i’m not shy, but i hate confrontation. i can be extremely blunt (dare i say tacky?) with those i am close to, but to complete strangers, i admit – i allow myself to get walked on a little bit.
two of my last four trips to starbucks to work on writing-type-things, i have encountered unexpected company. both times, these gentlemen came and took a seat next to me. both times my iPod earbuds were firmly planted in my ears and my eyes focused on my screen. yet both times these men began a conversation.
assuming these strangers only had honorable and friendly intention (one was married, one old enough to be my father), i usually unplug one of my ears and engage in small talk. i hint at the fact i need to get back to work, but that only seems to provoke a more indepth conversation regarding whatever it is i am writing about.
tonight i had to use the emergency escape call, quickly IMing an online friend to come to my rescue. i just want to get my work done. yet i don’t want to be a jerk to random people. i should take time to listen, to learn…right?
drawing that line for me is hard. how do you do it?
Comments
33 responses to “do not disturb”
Friends and family can also allow this to happen. I think because you’re on a laptop people assume it’s for fun and really don’t realize how much effort and thought goes into writing. Then again God uses those conversations at times and we could gain much by listening – now how do we determine which is which?
in a recent blog (or maybe i just read it recently) you said something about wanting to ficus on people…but i’m not sure that means to the exclusion of the things God has called you to already.
however, there must be something about you that says “this woman can be trusted, she has something that makes her different than the others in this place, she has something i desperately need.” granted, what you have is jesus…..and that’s not a bad thing for other to see…even at starbucks! (this makes me want to get another pumpkin spice frap…but i’ve decided no more than one a day!)
so..how to get work done without being a jerk??? i have no idea…maybe you could quickly bow your head and in the manner of hannah pray with only your lips moving……they might decide like eli that you are nuts and leave you alone!? or….you could put a sign up on your table that says you are in the middle of a project and will be available at some later time that day…i doubt many would stick around for several hours…..or…..you could enjoy the moment for the moment and allow God to speak in those situations, even when other things are pressing.
if you find the answer….let us know…we have the same question.
Let’s see:
1. Wear a shirt that says, “Don’t talk to me I’m Brainstorming.”
2. Bring your imaginary friend “Bob” with you to Starbucks and talk to him occassionally.
3. Follow Lory’s suggestion.
4. Set your Bible, open, on the table next to you. If someone still comes to talk to you, they’re probably looking for some of the answers you’re writing about.
That’s all I got. (Nice grammar. I know. Sorry.)
I have struggled with this issue myself, and I also hate confrontation. Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries, helped me a great deal in this area.
I find that using the principle of a “Correction Sandwich” from Blanchard’s One Minute Manager book works in this type of situation. The correction sandwich is the technique of giving the correction between two statements of affirmation or praise.
Similarly, when someone is interrupting something that is very important, I respond with something like, “Hey, it’s great to talk to you. Thanks for stopping by. I’m going to have to take care of this commitment right now, but I hope that we can talk again soon.” And then I tell them “bye,” turn my attention away from them, or walk out of the room before they have an opportunity to respond at length.
Sure, sometimes it doesn’t work right away, but more often than not I find that I can pull away from such people quickly without offending them. In my experience, being kind yet firm tends to lead others to respect you and your time. And I have come to the conclusion that if others are being rude or insensitive to my needs or circumstances, it can be an act of love to bring their lack of discretion to their attention.
By the way, you are not neglecting your calling in drawing such boundaries. If your primary call is to write, then you must have the time to do that consistently. Even Jesus hid from the crowds (people with legitimate needs, I might add) in order to get alone with the Father and focus on His primary priorities.
Sounds like a means of preventing Mad Church Disease, doesn’t it? :-)
umm. Hello. Master of the Obvious here. you want privacy at starbuck’s? that maybe might be the first problem? it’s a social place. it would be a different scenario if you were at the library in a study cube; but starbuck’s is such a conversational place – that’s a primary goal of the establishment (other than selling stuff – way over priced stuff).
maybe your expectations should be a touch different when you are there and/or you could find another place to get in the zone. am i oversimplifying this a bit? (BTW – i get in the zone at starbuck’s like no other place)
i also believe that yes, you should take the time to listen. make the most of every opportunity…take the time to see who God brings across your path. learn their stories.
Agreed, John.
Starbucks is the last place I would try to get work done. I may not be a writer but when I draw, I took a cue from illustrator Adam Kubert where he would get inspiration from just sitting at White Castle with a 12pack and looking at all of the people passing by.
I can only assume that many brains with a decent amount of creativity in the room would help you along. I can only assume.
That said, the earbuds are a dead giveaway “I don’t want be bothered”. Laptop sans earbuds are all about “Hey, I don’t mind chatting it up with you.”
Also, the insistence of that old gent makes me think he was flirting with you. Yes I know you are married. Some guys don’t care.
I consider coffee shops, pubs, bars and the like are the places where I would go in order to reach out to people and chat it up. It is all about seeing who God brings across your path.
WWJD?
I’m with John and Jim on this one. Starbucks started out as a third place where people could relate to each other. But let’s face it, we as Americans are horrible at that, so it ends up being a place where we go to work or grab a coffee and leave. So it’s understandable you’d want to get work done there (I study there every once in a while, too and have NEVER been bothered. I guess I don’t look friendly enough :) ).
I just wish more random conversations happened at starbucks. Different post, I guess…
Okay Men, Starbucks is a pick up place.
BUT… I suppose Anne wears a wedding ring? right?
I suppose the dead give away, earplugs/laptop? right?
Men just don’t always get it?
Okay I think Anne can go anywhere. Anne, use you Tx manners and quickly tell them you have deadlines.
Have you ever tried Panera for a get away?? great place here in SD to get coffee and a warm roll and laptop privacy.
I find looking like I’m in a really bad mood can help (unless of course someone takes it upon themselves to try and fix you)
It’s actually not as bad over here in England as we would avoid sitting at a table with someone we don’t know at all costs by and large!
Anne, again and again you are amazingly incredible. You have no flaws when it comes to relationship living. That might sound extreme but God has given you, I think, a gift of caring regarding others. (I Cor. 12)
O – oneness
T – talk
H – help
E – excellency
R – respect
S – strength
The YOU has to come out, whether it be at Starbucks, Church, Blogging, Best Buy, wherever! I’m always ready to be super charged when I read your posts. Indeed, such a challenger for all of us who deal with OTHERS.
@Heidi…
“Men just don’t always get it?”
I’d take it one step farther to say, “some PEOPLE just don’t get it.”
Look at your watch, don’t pay attention, take steps back, announce your departure, give every verbal and non-verbal “I gotta go” sign you can think of…and some people still won’t get it.
Sometimes I wonder if they DO get it but just don’t care. In this neck of the woods we call them “owners” cuz they straight up OWN you!!
I’m with the men – Starbucks (or any public social establishment) prob isn’t the best place to get work done.
GO MEN!
kidding… ;-)
To the defense of the third place –
It seems like whenever I go to a Starbucks in the suburbs (where the two “experiences” occurred)…that is really where it happens.
When I drive into Dallas, it has never once happened (and my ratio of Starbucks visits are probably 10:1, City at 10.)…
So…maybe because I’m in the city, people assume I am working (as city people do)…or when I’m in the suburbs, people think I’m relaxing (riiiight). The music is lower (when I don’t have my iPod) and people leave you alone!
It’s just that 40 mile round trip that has been discouraging me from city Starbucks…but…I have gotten so much work done there, as compared to my “local” location.
Come to London, no one ever talks to you or would dare intrude on your personal space :)
ok it’s 4,000 miles but heh think how productive you’d be :)
wow, that’s a good post. yeah i agree – just go to london.
i was playing golf with a stranger recently, and he was getting on my nerves. he joined our group and he was just holding us up. he was from las vegas, he talked a lot, and he was very old school in his golf attire. it was all from the 80’s. his golf shoes had flaps that cover the laces.
but then i realized he might be jesus, coming back to give us a hard time. i think he was jesus because when he swung both of his feet left the ground. that’s pretty difficult if you’re playing golf.
i’m convinced that whenever i get annoyed by a stranger it’s someone important that needs my attention. and often ‘time is of the essence’ for me, and i miss my chance to connect with someone new.
Why not stay at home and write? Public places are, well, public so being around people that want to talk to other people is part of the deal in “public”.
this has happened to me before at barnes & noble. i’m sitting there, reading a book with my ipod buds in. this guy was sitting at the table in front of me and “happened” to notice when i finished the chapter i was reading so he could start talking to me randomly. it was really awkward, but without hurting his feelings i just said i needed to get back to my book and he finally left me alone.
just pretend that your ipod is so loud that you can’t hear anything…:) ok, that’s mean. if it’s clearly a guy trying to “pick you up” and not just someone being friendly, i would get out of it. but if it’s a way to meet someone new or a cool way to tell them about the book you’re writing, i say go for it and talk to them!
For coffee, Starbucks.
To write, the library.
Is there a smaller, anti-Starbucks coffee shop near you? I find those places to be more conducive to writing than the Establishment. I love Starbucks – when I’m not conducting meetings at Chipotle, they’re usually conducted there – but I can’t write there. I guess I’m just too intriguing to be left alone.
I couldn’t write from home because we live in a one bedroom apartment and my husband’s a worship leader and was rehearsing for tonight…aka guitar+big amp+lots of noise.
Starbucks has always brought out an energy in my writing and creativity, so much in fact that the thousands and thousands of words known as Mad Church Disease have exclusively been written there, 100%.
There is a smaller shop in Rockwall (10 minutes) but they play country music all the time. I go there to get stuff to go, but even with the iPod in, the country music prevails…plus Rockwall is small and you always run into people you know.
I’ll just have to suck it up in gas mileage and continue my trips into Dallas. My favorite Starbucks there has a seminary student barista who is able to answer any of my reference questions when I write anyway :)
I’ll buy fourteen copies of your book to cover a little bit of the expense. How does that sound?
Anne, borrowed from David Letterman:
10) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them to call you “Admiral.”
9) Crack open your briefcase or purse; peek inside and say, “Got enough air in there?”
8) Stare at your unwanted guest, grinning, and declare, “I’m wearing new socks!”
7) Invite everyone to polka!
6) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and mutter, “Shut up! All of you, just shut up!”
5) Bet other customers you can fit a quarter up your nose.
4) Listen to the Starbucks walls with a stethoscope.
3) Put in plain sight, on the table right beside your laptop, a cooler marked “Human Head.”
2) With eyes darting back and forth, mutter, “They’ll never take me alive.”
1) Take a bite out of a sandwich and say, “Wanna see wha in mah mouf?”
Wear sunglasses that don’t allow eye contact. Sunglasses, a hat and your i-pod earphones should do the trick. :-)
Interesting question, for sure. I don’t ever get bothered when I’m at Starbucks…neither do many of my friends…which basically tells me a few things.
#1. We’re guys
#2. We’re ugly
#3. We look totally unapproachable
Maybe it’s a good thing that people are approaching you, Anne…after all, one of these days you’re going to have more people than you know what to do with, after your book sells millions of copies and all…
YES! The Library! That really is perfect if you cant do it @ home.
Anne, maybe mix it up. Go to the Country music coffee shop, no ear buds, just you, getting saturated in the music of the salt of th earth, Country is cool!!
I’ve tried the country place….it drove me crazy trying to work!
I like Tim Irwin’s ideas…….
I would love to hear what you come up with because when I’m trying to chart tunes out at home…..I can go into my garage with my iPod and a pad to write out the charts…….and still…someone will come up to me.
heidi, she did say one was married and one was old enough to be her father….but then again, she didn’t say what they said to her.
Usually if you talk about something comepletely geeky, people will leave you alone….that works for me….it comes natural.
1. drop out of the fat ragamuffins and put on another fifty pounds
2. bring breathing apparatus
3. get pregnant
4. eat a ton of garlic
5. get a tattoo on your face
6. dress as a bag lady
7. shave your head
8. dress as a nun
9. work from a handicap table… in a wheelchair
or get used to guys talking to you. you’re under thirty, brainy, and cute. deal with it :)
I don’t know–After saying hi and very quick small talk, I always go for the “Don’t think I’m being rude, I would love to chat with you today, but I have work I need to get done” straightforward, honest approach. If that doesn’t work—scream really loud for them to leave you alone–then see how far people stay away! ;)
i loved reading all the comment dialogue on this one.
i struggle with this very same thing – sometimes just with other staff members trying to spend more time talking to me than i wish they would. i still haven’t come up with a solution that i feel 100% confident in… but i enjoyed all these recommendations!
Did you ever read my post about being farted on at a Caribou Coffee shop once?
feel free: http://joniruhs.wordpress.com/2007/01/23/caribou-vs-starbucks/
I just scowl. That seems to work.
Or, sit in a corner, avoid eye contact, and keep rubbing my temples like I have a bad headache.
Just put up a little sign on the table that says “Consultant available. $50 an hour starting when you sit down here or speak.”. (grin)