grace is not my middle name, and i mean that both literally and figuratively.
literally, i trip over myself or run into something at least five times a day. this makes for unsightly bruising and honestly, the occassional swear word may or may not slip out, depending on the severity of the blow. our coffee table is made of stone and has sharp iron edges. it does not feel good on the side of a bony knee.
figuratively, giving grace out is something very difficult for me. i have the worst tail-gating, excuse-me, did-you-just-cut-me-off driving temper. i’m still in that “everything is black and white” mindset and although there are just a few things that really get under my skin, when one of those things is provoked, my heart turns a wicked shade of puke green and tightens up into a mean little offended ball, pumping all the blood to my brain, where thoughts [of jealousy, pride, anger] stew and boil much like the second witch describes in shakespeare’s macbeth:
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
pretty, isn’t it?
i have been extended grace in so many ways by so many people. in my earlier blogging years, when i was even more idealistic and black and white than i am now, i made some extremely “passioniate” comments on other peoples’ blogs. fortunately, most of these people still talk to me; some even going beyond that and dare i say – befriending me?
marie is my middle name. i researched the origin of it and evidently the closest theory they can find for the meaning is “sea of bitterness” which actually seems more fitting to my current struggle. however, i also just researched the meaning of my first name, anne, which happens to be a french version of hannah, which means “grace.”
doh. it looks like i need to resolve my dual personalities…
Comments
18 responses to “grace is not my middle name”
My middle name is Marie too…so was my great grandma, grandmas and mom’s. I was so hoping for a boy to break the cycle! ;) My name means Divine Bitterness! haha!
I can totally relate to the road-rage. When I get into my cushy driver’s seat, place my foot on the little pedal that makes my car go fast, and clutch the steering wheel – I’m in complete control of my driving destiny. If anyone dares disrupt my destiny – the beast begins to roar (kind of like the wolfman during a full moon). The remedy, like you said, is behaving like “grace” would. Unfortunately, the Tootsie Roll Pop hard candy of “issues” in me have not been dissolved back enough to reveal the sweet, soft, grace-filled center (especially in scenarios like you’ve described). How many licks, Lord?
Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and caldron bubble! (Also from Macbeth)
My middle name is “Weldon” which I always tell people is pronounced “well done”.
I flat-out admire people that are black and white with unwavering convictions. Seriously, I do. I don’t feel that I am black and white enough…
I for one feel that we have been befriended over the feeds, and the IRL meeting was cool too!
Keep being black and white. Oh…and listen to Snow Patrol in the car. It sure helps my road rage (and believe me, mine is epic…)
i’m drawn to your dueling personalities :) it’s confirmation that i’m not alone!
I guess the one thing that I am black and white about is that not everything is black and white.
The older I get, the more I experience it.
With that said, I agree some things are very clearly black or white, just not all things for all people for all times.
That sounds like legalism, and we all know “legalism rules”.
I have often heard it said that young (wo)men love justice, and old (wo)men love mercy. I am an old man and Grace is like fine wine, it gets better as it ages.
Anne- 12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (Like Me) by John Fischer was very helpful to me in dealing with my own pride and sense of spiritual entitlement that I had developed.
My middle name is Marie too! My parents named me after Lisa Marie Presley, haha. I am going through the same struggle that you describe here. My own hostility has surprised me recently, and as it happens sometimes, my lack of grace for other people is what makes me realize my own need for it. Divine irony…
Though I definitely identify with the figurative grace, I more often am struck with the lack of literal grace. I used to be a dancer (NOT of the exotic type) and back then I was very graceful…seems it is not anything like riding a bike…if you don’t use it, you lose it. I have bludgeoned to death the same knee twice in the past month.
Apparently, my parents were into the nature thing…my name means “meadowland” and “one who lives near a brook”…go figure.
Ahhh, grace.
I once heard someone recently say that we have a great doctrine of grace, we just suck at living it out.
I lived in San Jose, CA for 2 years. Grace was the LAST thing on my mind as I merged onto the freeway. I can think of some other things that were on my mind…
“I wonder if I could hit that car without my insurance company finding out about it…”
“That &!#@$@#$ idiot”
“How bad do I love my job? Because I swear if that happens again, I’m gonna make the front page of the paper.”
The whole “do to others” thing just doesn’t seem fair sometimes.
Great post, Anne, as always.
Since the meaning of Thomas is “twin,” I feel that I am worthy of a split personality. With me, however, it is not the anger thing. (Except for drivers who cut to the front of a long line of construction traffic. Ugh!)
My duplicity is more in the area of Other-centeredness vs. Selfishness. I can pendulum between those two states like nobody’s business. At times I can completely sacrifice for another. At other times I want what I want and look out anybody who stands in my way.
What is that? Ah well, such is the bi-polar journey of a middle aged ex-pastor. Shhh. Don’t tell anybody.
We named our second child Hannah. Now, in the Bible (1 Samuel chapter 1), Hannah couldn’t have children, and because of her persistent prayers, the Lord granted her requests and she conceived Samuel. It took a long time. It took us about eighteen months of waiting before our Hannah came along, which to us was an eternity, and so we named her after Samuel’s mother.
Our Hannah’s middle name is Grace, so she is really called Grace Grace, or in other words, she has a double portion of Grace. Hannah in the Bible received a double portion because of her husband’s love for her, and God has poured out a double portion of grace on us through our Hannah because through her birth, she literally saved Felicity’s life.
My middle name is Marie too, and I mean that literally.
Hi Anne,
I’ve recently changed my first name from “Michelle” (who is like God?) to “Hope”. I believed I was called to give Hope so my name reflects what I freely received. My middle name is Grace, but alas – graceful I am not. Road rage is somewhat under control but let’s just say there are no “fish” or Christian related bumper stickers on my car!
Funny… my daughter’s name is Marie Grace, but I named her that specifically because of the meanings.
Well……
I wish my middle name was Marie, my middle name is Sue, I was named after My mom’s middle name. But that’s not the clincher Everyone……. My grandma named her poodle
Heidi Sue Poo. I had to live with that for my whole life,
Here comes my Heidi Sue and Heidi Poo. Gag me!!!!
Oh yea.. road rage… does have a deductible with major Insurances companies. But it’s job security for me, especially in California.
My daughter’s name is Eve-Marie Grace. So that’s fun.
The boy’s and girl’s name Marie \m(a)-rie\ is of French origin. Variant of Mary (Latin) “star of the sea”. Earliest English form of the name which was revived in the 19th century. Scientist Marie Curie; Queen Marie Antoinette of Scots; singer Marie Osmond.
Since my middle name and both my daughters’ middle names are Marie, let’s go with star of the sea! I don’t want to have anything to do with being bitter, lol!
“Grace” is something we all probably need to bask in more before trying to practice our own version of it. Keep that in mind if you go back to my blog here http://gottabuzz.typepad.com/coffee/2007/07/crikey—got-ta.html where I tagged you with something inane and trivial but potentially “graceful”. Just a thought.
I’m not so good at extending grace either, to myself or others. I tend to have high expectations for folks and end up disappointed a lot of the time. Keeping high expectations and extending grace – a fine balancing act.
Also, Rick C., I had never heard that young-justice, old-grace thing. It certainly makes sense in my head.