i had lunch with a very good friend today and over the biggest chicken taco salad (ever, really), we discussed different aspects of our history with various churches and the search for community.
during our talk, we compared some notes: we both have been in “forced” small groups, we both have had trust broken in extremely close relationships (who hasn’t?), but mainly we both wondered whether it was our own hang ups that stop us from getting in really authentic relationships, or if it was the way most churches today have small groups or fellowships structured, or perhaps a combination of the two?
on the drive back, we went a little farther with the thoughts of true, raw relationships. we wondered if each one of us is part of a tribe. you know when you have that very rare connection with someone; it’s like you’ve known them for years. sometimes they live near you geographically, and sometimes they don’t. our train of questioning even went down to wondering if we should search for our tribe – like a lost soldier separated from his battalion, he tries desperately to locate them. he is a part of something – something beyond himself – intertwined with others…others he MUST rely on, who rely on him…for life.
i realize the “christian walk” isn’t all about finding happiness and an easy road to easy relationships. that isn’t the focus here, but, i do believe personally, i am finally realizing that i do need a tribe…and somewhere out there, a tribe is needing me.
i guess i’m just not sure what that looks like.
Comments
34 responses to “searching for my tribe”
I think the whole “small group” structure is going away. It is now as old as Sunday School was when I was a little lad. It is dated and I have NEVER seen it work well. I am in a large church and am a pastor and DREAD going into a small group and being “forced” to have authentic times. They are truly not authentic. They are forced times of confession. Or you will seem weak. I am sorry. But it takes me more than a year or two to build up any sort of relationship where one will truly give a limb for me. Just because I join a “small group” and “share” does not make me somehow more authentic.
I whole heartedly agree with the tribe concept. I have 5 sould in my life that are no farther than a phone call or video chat away. These 5 souls are my true “small group” and it caqn’t be faked.
Obviously the local church needs to strengthen community. And “small groups” are a noble attempt. I just believe it is nothing more than that. An attempt.
So it’s time to try a new one.
Lisping Conference Speaker
Anne,
It sounds like your close friend that you had this conversation with is your tribe. I think we get to hung up looking for our tribe in our church. My family and I are currently on a journey that is teach us that our church is not an organization, but instead is made up of all the relationships we have in our lives. For example, one of my closest friends is a coworker of mine that attends another church. Yet we have deep spiritual and personal conversations and we pray for one another. He is in my tribe.
I have been in small groups for over 10 years. Some good, some not so good. We have gained many many friends over that period of time. These friendships have been an incredibly important part of our families lives.
A group of people just left my house an hour ago that where complete strangers 4 months ago, but we are growing to care about one another. We range in age from 19 to 50 something. We talked about everything from the farting preacher on YouTube to very personal struggles. Nothing forced, nothing asked for. We just shared a meal, opened up with prayer and it happened.
These once strangers are becoming my tribe.
thanks anne, it’s a fascinating story, which for me reflects something of the way i am reading the bible at the mo – as a story of the trinity on a search for their “tribe,” the people who will bear their image, be their people, join their story – and in doing so these people find something, a glorious tension between being found, loved, called, known individually and the finding themselves part of this diverse people grp, searched out from every tribe. tongue and nation… And then they get co-missioned to join the search for more of the tribe, to experience the joy of unity and other centred living but also the joy of being unique and bringing something that adds a depth and richness that the tribe did not have before…
I think we are all lucky enough in life to meet those people who become our tribe. Lifelong friends, who like the Anonymous Pastor says, are always “no further than one phone call away” – no matter the physical distance between you.
Don’t we all have those friends that we go weeks, months, sometimes years without speaking to them, but when you get together its like you have never been apart? In my life, I consider those people my tribe.
To some extent small groups are forced. It’s the churches way to force members into relationships. Otherwise it becomes easy to show up for service, consume and leave without ever engaging anyone.
It still amazes me that other people have some of the same questions that I do, and I usually feel a kindredness along those lines. Maybe that’s a tribal feeling? I remember going to an Off The Map conference years ago and wondering why none of these people were closer to my bible-belt church where we could meet and chat and have coffee and solve the problems of life.
One of my favorite things about your blog is the ecclectic mix of ideas (and hence the people that think them) which show up and are still “Christian” thought.
I have never been a member of a home-based legit smallgroup. The experience Ryan describes above is one I actually crave and long for. The frustration Rick accounts, living in the bible belt is one I know too well. The statement from the lisping conference speaker makes me wonder if not having been in a small group is such a big problem. I love it!
Being an East Tennessean Southern Baptist who grew up a United Methodist, I often feel amiss in “the buckle of the bible belt” where I have grown up and still live. I’ve deeply desired a small group but I think its that idea of continual community and real, life living that I want so badly.
Does that mean I have not found my tribe?
Not really. One member of “my tribe” is an 75 year old retired marine, another is my 27 year old best friend and middle school gifted teacher, a third is a 30 something forestry ranger, another is a wandering Dad in his late thirties who use to be my worship pastor. There are many others as well. They are beautifully diversified people. And yet, in their differences and similiarities alike, they encourage and strengthen me.
I agree with the underlying idea – we’ve got to get to finding each other and start helping each other. Life is too short not to make strong connections with the people around you. We can’t be worried with labels or stigmas or stereotypes. I look forward to finding others in my tribe.
Oh, and Mrs. Jackson, though we’ve never officially met – I’d like think you very well may be a member of my tribe too. :)
Funny that you write about this now… we sort of had this talk at cell group last week.
My perception is that our church wants the groups to become (more or less) our “inner circle” – the folks we really, really trust. I’m not sure that is a realistic goal.
I have tons of acquaintances. I have dozens of friends. I have about, oh, 10 or 15 close friends. As far as the people I really, really trust… well… there’s my wife, my dad, and maybe one or two other guys.
And, as much as this probably sounds like I’m being “guarded”, I am not looking to add to that list. I’m an introvert, and have a limited amount of energy that I can spend on that level of relationship – so I conserve it.
I guess that is about as authentic as I get in cell group – telling people “No, I will not air out all my laundry in front of you, because I do not trust you yet.” That can’t be forced…
i think it is a struggle to find those we are willing to invest in and be vulnerable with, and i think some do it very flippantly and some too conservatively.
some of the most social people i know have the most difficult time finding that closeness to a friend because of their social nature (everybody is their best friend), and then someone like me who is very guarded can develop lifelong firendships with four or five men that just endure.
i think these cell groups are needed for certain accountability and study but there has to be a core in your life at a relationship level that is not hinged to where we worship.
I facilitate a “young professionals” small group for my church. Rather than lump us together by common interest, shared experience or similar values, we are thrown together because of our common age.
I won’t deny that despite my misgivings and frustrations (never good for a leader to have), I have grown closer to several people in that group. However, I wouldn’t consider them my “tribe.”
I think that our churches have a pretty low view of community. The model has traditionally been one of 3-5 hours a week of worship and learning and perhaps 1-2 hours a week of small group confessional time.
Community comes not from just time, but from experience, vision and passion. Perhaps our tribes wouldn’t be so difficult to find if we were working together with members of our community to make a profound impact on the world around us?
Oh my. You hit my biggest inclination to be jealous or envious: I observe great friendships of others and crave having close friends that I can count on for the nitty-gritty of life stuff. When I see this in ministry groups, in particular, my wistfulness mounts higher. I read your post and hot tears were streaming. I find I am still raw from the back-turn of some that I had trusted. There are so many that would undoubtedly call themselves friends of mine, but the search for the ones that reciprocate and deeply honor that title of ‘friend’ are rare indeed. Why is that? We all want it. Why is integrity and effort in Christian friendship so often elusive? It would seem that we would be fighting harder for something we yearn so much for.
So….it looks like I might be repeating a few other opinions because I am impatient and cannot read all the comments.
I was discussing with our Worship Leader at my church how I feel like the Men’s Group I’ve been a part of this year just doesn’t gel with me (rather, I do not gel with them). We have some common denominators; however, outside of our wives all being in a Bible study and being parents, we just don’t have that much in common. Since one of my good friends up and moved to middle America, I really haven’t found a tribe member. It would be nice.
Anywho…looks like once again, you’ve piqued the interest of many strong opinions.
I too look for a tribe…my tribe, but often times I wonder if that isn’t my problem…wanting the tribe I want and He may have me in the midst of the one I am supposed to be in and I’m not happy with it…..
Interesting how we try so hard to recreate what never really worked in the first place. Definition of insanity??
Look around your city… see where God is at work… roll up your sleeves and join in. Community is found amidst the work that Jesus is doing. Let’s quit trying to confine community to a living room, a bible study book and a bunch of people that would rather be somewhere else.
I love reading everyone’s thoughts. We do small groups at my church and I am so thankful for them. As the church has grown, it’s difficult to meet people and the small groups are the way to go. As far as searching/needing a tribe to belong to, it’s what we were created for. We were created to be relational people. I have lots of friends but I have a small, close-knit group of people that I’d consider my “tribe”. I love them dearly and half of them were gone for two weeks and I felt that a part of me was in China with them.
Anyways, hope you find your tribe Anne.
i feel like you have just written what i’ve been trying to communicate for so many years.
you have a tribe. they’ve been responding to your posts, having coffee with you in random cities, serving next to you and reading your articles in Relevant magazine. but they’re also in lands you have never heard of, aching for the same community and movement that burns in your heart. they exist. you just have to believe that they’re having this very conversation in their villages that you’re having right now.
Anne,
I can totally relate to the “forced” group. For some reason, being told to go to a small group makes the community feel forced rather than natural.
My wife and I struggled for many years finding our tribe. In our late thirties, for some reason, we seem to be a part of several very different and equally meaningful tribes.
Hope you find yours…
wow, we have had this same conversation a few times this year…i definitely wonder if the way we “start” smallgroups in churches these days is really the best way? forcing friendships and community just doesn’t seem to work…we’ve been in 2 small groups so far, and both of them just seem very akward… there’s gotta be a better way to establish community in churches than just sticking random strangers in houses together. in the end, does it sorta cheapen relationships instead of strengthening them?
I really liked what Krysta said and I agree that a person’s tribe does not HAVE to look like a “church small group.” Its who we give our hearts to and vice versa. Its the people we draw near and who draw us near.
What I personlly struggle with what I am reading in these comments is the repeated feeling of being “forced” into a small group. It makes me sad that anyone would feel forced to do anything. I work as an admin for the Small Groups pastor at my church. My JOB is to help people get into groups because the leadership at my church feels that small groups are the best way for relationships to form and for needs to be met…
I think a lot of this is because Pastors can’t do it all. As churches grow in numbers, its ridiculous to think that it should all fall on the pastoral staff’s shoulders. They can’t meet every demand. They try, but they aren’t Jesus.
As members for the body of Christ, we are all meant to be “pastors” and thus being in a small group is an opportunity for us to encourage, shepherd, challenge and just be there for each other. I understand that you can’t force relationships. Some people just don’t click. Some people don’t dig groups. Some people are natural leaders, some would rather just arrive. People NEED others and they need to feel they aren’t alone. They need friends. Small groups should be just one option for people as they get more involved in a church.
I have been in a small group for the past ten years or so. The darkest period of my life began the one year I wasn’t in small group. Coincidence? There is something to be said about community. I think we all need to remember we have choices. If you feel forced, step back and say no. Be honest. People will respect that far more than if you come and wish you weren’t. On the other hand, sometimes we do need to be forced, because otherwise we may never get the support from others we really do need. Its an interesting thing.
I am going off… I should re-read what I am writing! I love my job. I don’t think small groups are an ancient model. I studied Small Group Communication in college (it was my major in fact), and small groups are all over. And they didn’t begin the church. (ok, I dont know that for a fact, but I am guessing here) Book clubs, cycling groups, hiking groups, bible studies, small groups… people getting together doing and learning more about what they love.
I love hearing the stories at work (church) of people who find the community they’ve longed for, the support they needed through a crisis… or as in the case of the group I lead… When I hear someone tell me how much they look forward to and long for the time we have together as a group of young women who laugh together and pray for each other. Sometimes we need people to just ask, “how are you? how was your week” and wow, and really care.
sorry, that was really long. i didn’t realize it until it posted. :)
Anne… thank you for catalyzing an interesting conversation. I have three disjointed thoughts to contribute.
– Your ‘tribe’ idea resonates with me as well. My husband and I have definitely connected with a ‘tribe’ of people who are not structurally within our church, but definitely live out some of the mission of The Church through relationships. As a couple, we find these ‘tribal’ interactions to be the ones that inspire us to live out our faith differently.
– a quote from a friend about people within our church: “We all think that everyone else is having these fabulous, close friendships, and really, no one is.” When she said this to me, I was simultaneously relieved and saddened to realize it’s true.
– my ‘tribe’ of people don’t all know each other. And, to be honest, they don’t all know most parts of me. It’s sort of like I have divisions within my tribe that represent the various parts of my life or personality. And each of these people really are the kind with whom I have that immediate kindred spirit thing … but it is rare to find one who really ‘gets’ all the facets of life that I’m interested in sharing. Maybe even while I think I’m yearning for someone who can relate to the whole picture, I’m actually holding back some things that I don’t think will be received well. Which then says something about my true understanding of friendship.
I am a card carrying member of the Cherokee tribe. Really, though it takes forever it seems to get this small group thing right. I have found that-
1) you need to start checking them out and find one, but who wants to tour small groups?
People go to big churches in a lot of cases so there is no pressure to come back -it’s hard to do that in small groups. Often time we settle for whatever is available, convienent and has something for the kids to do if we have families.
2) Growing small groups by splitting up and reproducing is hard and most are not willing to do it.
Once you find a tribe who wants to break up the great relationships and venture out. Not most people. It goes against the grain. We did it and after several years wish we hadn’t (maybe that is selfish way of thinking). In addition, established groups usually do not easily welcome new people to the group for whatever reasons.
There has got to be a better way and we have these huge professional church staffs that are supposed to be “whatever your church motto is”. The pro’s should be figuring it out. The buisness world were most of us live has to.
I don’t know the solution but if churches take on the responsibility to grow big than they need to figure out a way of taking care of the people and getting them connected in a tribe werever that may be. And yes, people that go to the church need to do a bit of exploring.
First to commenter Paul-I want to read that book! What’s the title?
Next, Anne- You always put out great reading material to think on, to stretch, or that communicates what I was thinking, but couldn’t put into words.
I agree that small groups don’t work. I have seen many men look like they are going through childbirth pains as women in those groups are woven together. Btw- to help my husband pursue finding his tribe, I have coordinated monthly poker nights with other men. Men will rarely find it in a small group. It’ll come in building a fence together, peeing outside together, over a beer and a deck of cards. I think the same goes for women, minus the peeing outside together :-)
You can’t force tribes. But you must find yours, life is richer with it. I have written recently about a couple of my tribe members.
one- is a single, heading for the mission field, outdoors, adventurer.
one- a 50yr old mother, wife, mentor, adopted mother to me.
one- married, with a cat, who knows the art of doing nothing is something, and who also stretches my thinking on God and the church.
one- married, with 3 kids, homeschooling, taxi’n, worship leading mom.
(I have yet to write about the last 2).
My experience is that these tribe members look nothing and everything like me. They were God picked for me. And, my tribe members do not belong to each other.
denise – YES! you nailed it.
Confession and accountibility within my little circle of men that I trust typically happens at the sports bar, while watching the game, and sounds like:
Me – “So…?”
Buddy – “You’re blowing it. Knock it off. Quit being a moron.”
Me – “Yep. I hear ya.”
Buddy – “Are you going to eat that last wing?”
In fact, I’m lucky if he asks about the last wing. Snooze/lose.
But we get these little talks done and completely understand each other in about 17 words, max. Home group just SUCKS the energy right out of me – it’s so social, and I am so not.
Me again, recognizing that I have that book that Paul is reading- Bible. I just haven’t read it with tribal eyes.
Tony, yeah for 17 words max! We women need to stop trying to fit you men into what works for us.
The only time I really had a tribe… it started with one girl in my dorm who kept on being my friend. I don’t know why she did. At first I thought she was an annoying little fairy with a squeaky little pixie voice. But, she kept on sitting next to me in the caf and offering me rides to church. Somewhere along the line, I got a clue – she was my friend.
I’m so glad she kept after me.
I am dense. I need someone to pretty much say “HEY. I LIKE YOU. COME HANG OUT WITH ME.” My friend kept after a number of other people at Belmont, too. After two years, when our tribe had evolved into a solid circle of girls and guys, it felt so natural and secure that I wondered if I had ever really had friends before.
Anyway, I tell that story just to say, SOMEone must be the initiator of opportunities to create a tribe. It doesn’t have to be a church staffer or lay leader, but there’s always someone in a tribe who’s going to emerge as the one who usually brings up the idea of getting together.
So, churches starting small group ministries have the right idea; it’s just that community doesn’t always happen there. That’s okay. Community is such a fluid thing, that even if a person doesn’t click with the first small group they’re assigned to, it can lead them to where they do find community. And, as mentioned before, that place could be in a wide range of places, from church rooms to sports bars to poolside to playground… side.
Paradoxically, accepting that this community is fluid, and not getting tied in knots over people that come and go, actually encourages commitment to a community.
I sometimes wonder about how we go about connecting-especially as adults, even more as Church going Christians. As a kid growing up in the neighborhood I remember making choices, some conscious others unconscious about who I wanted to spend time with and who I didn’t.
I wonder if our means and methods promote “forced” community that really undercuts what we hope to happen as a result of connecting-true sharing of lives, being honest about struggles, sins etc. I’ve been in many groups defined not by me but by the system I lived in at the time-most never worked.
Joseph Myers writes this in The Search to Belong-a book that I both hate and love.
“So often our small group models encourage forced belonging. We surmise that putting people into groups will alleviate the emptiness so prevalent in our fast-paced culture.”
The group I’m in now is the best one I’ve ever been in, I didn’t sign up for it or find it at an event-it found me. I found guys I like, we clicked, our families clicked and we decided to start a group.
I found my tribe-they found me, life is good. It took me 3 years, been here for 5. Sometimes I think in the past I settled to early, lost heart and gave up that I would ever feel really at home experiencing the kind of community I longed for.
I’ve come back and read this several times, wondering how I really feel. I agree that forced small groups often fail, but some of my best friends are people I have been forced to be with, i.e. college roommates, co workers, ect. My husband and I laughingly refer to ourselves as small group floozies. We’ve been around. I have to say that even though we’ve met some wonderful people who would be there for us in a flash if we needed them, we’ve never felt tribal. Recently we started getting to get together with another couple just to have someone to pray with. Why don’t we do this in more casual social situations? Beats me. I guess my tribe is my immediate family, but i long for more.
The church I go to is great in the sense that it understands this desire that people have to feel like they are connected. On top of the church setting every Sunday, they try to encourage people to get involved in the smaller “house” groups located across campus, and from there to get involved in small groups.
Now, I didn’t read all of the comments, but I go to a church where small groups actually work and work well. Maybe it’s just the age group that I am in, where we sit in big lecture halls all day long and just long to be heard and known by people in a safe environment, but my life and “Christian walk” has been radically changed by the community I’ve experienced through the small and large groups that my church offers. Not only do the small groups encourage Christian growth, but they are meant to be a safe place to bring people who aren’t Christians so they can ask questions in a safe environment and experience Christ’s love for them in a very real situation.
Now, my church has also grown significantly in the past few years, but the number of people in small groups hasn’t grown. I don’t know why that is, and I wish people could experience the small groups. The studies show that depression is huge on college campuses, and I’ve seen it first hand that people desire real connections with people. I really like college ministry…it’s pretty sweet.
Wow – I have been away for the most part from my blog & had no idea what kind of amazing discussion this post has threaded. You guys are amazing…simply, amazing, for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences on here. Thank you so much. It’s truly incredible!
Funny that you say “Tribe”…that is what I feel apart of out here in the middle of S.A., and funny how I feel so A-L-O-N-E! We are apart of something so great big, and these people just swooped, picked us up and made us their own, and at the same time, we are so not like “them” at all. We miss home, and it makes me feel sad that I didn’t invest in my own tribe when I was there…so much time wasted, you know?
I only just read this. It’s interesting in light of a conversation I had this evening.
The last ‘small group’ I belonged to crunched and burned, sure it started beautifully (ridiculously so) but couldn’t sustain. Time yeilded history and relational strain and I know I often lost sight of the point of going through the mess and frustration of the former.
Where I am now, is a smaller and what yet feels quite a temporary group, we get together and we chat about God/God stuff, that’s it – there is no other agenda, it feels really right. I don’t know if this is my permenant ‘tribe’ and I don’t really mind. Others are in a position where it’s really necessary to have a non political arena. We don’t all go to the same church, I don’t even know two of them all that well – but there’s something there that really works because of this common thing.
But that’s it. We go there and we talk ‘God’. I was lamenting that sometimes church doesn’t feel like that, and it really should.
me too, all of it. The lady I used to sit next to at work always said,” I need to find my people”. my tribe. hmmmm. I know what you mean, but I can’t describe it. I’m relationally challenged, but am making a try at it. Cruised by a small group a couple of times, actually went once…not a bad experience..just not where I belong. Cruised by a different one, working up when I go in. Such weirdness, this finding a group business. It isn’t hard to go to, but it is hard to go to and not have all the walls up. or on the opposite side, going in with your heart on your sleeve. blllllaaaaaaah. If anybody sees a group of artsy, but not too artsy, christians that try to be real and find the balance of accepting people where they are but challenging them to be closer to God, that can handle coming over when the house is messier than you want to believe you can get it etc…tell them to hold up a sign. a large one. :-)
I was just introduced to the idea of a “tribe” on labor day weekend at Mosaic’s “Terra Nova” artisans retreat. Our leader essentially said we (as artists within the community of Mosaic) are each other’s “tribe.” To me, that word conjured up feelings of acceptance, protection, and mission. I held onto it. Maybe we can have tribes within tribes? Or tribes that overlap? Like I said, the idea is new to me; I’m still wrapping my brain around it.
I’ve lived in the same house for nearly 32 years, in the same town, surrounded by the same people who never leave the town. I think that there are some people in my town who’ve not left NJ. Yet I constantly find myself wondering where my people are, the true friends that it seems that everyone in the world has but me.
Maybe our tribe isn’t about geographic proximity but rather about a community of people who genuinely understand one another…I wish I had a definitive answer :)