There’s this thing happening on social media where you compare pictures of the present to pictures from ten years ago. So much of the revival of this site has been focused on my #MeToo #ChurchToo #SBCToo story. If you’re someone who’s been around these parts for the last decade, you know there have been significant changes in my life during that time. I thought we’d play a little game of catch up. Please feel free to comment if you are still around (or if you’re new and want to say hi.) I’d love to see some familiar names and faces from the past and know what you’re up to.
A Brief History
I remember starting back on Xanga in 2003-2005, and then invented FlowerDust.net (now owned by a Canadian marijuana company, which totally makes me laugh). Next, because I was tired of being called “That Flowerdust Girl” instead of Anne Jackson at conferences, I dropped the moniker for something much more serious, so those pastors would take a 28-year-old girl who wrote church leadership books more seriously. AnneJacksonWrites.com was born and now someone squatted it in Singapore.
After my divorce in 2010, I declared social media bankruptcy and deleted all my accounts and then after my remarriage in 2013, I switched my site name (again!) to annemariemiller.com, re-started social media in 2018 when the news about my sexual abuse and the arrest of the pastor who did it…now, here we are. I’m kind of on social media and not sure really what to do, so there is not one iota of strategy to any of this.
On Life, School, and Career
Tim and I got married on the eastern shores of Oahu in March 2013. We went from freelancing and owning our own business in Nashville to working at a church in Lubbock (and somehow ended up on a reality show house hunting). After only a few months in a very toxic leadership environment, Tim resigned and we moved back to Iowa, where he’s from. We got pregnant (quite miraculously) in 2015 and Charlotte was born the summer of 2016. Wanting to move close to my family for school and for Charlotte, we moved to the DFW area in summer 2017. Tim has a sweet job doing video at a great company here in DFW and I’m in nursing school while working as needed with at-risk pregnant women (along with some other OB and occasionally internal medicine) at a local hospital. I love, love, love it.
I should have my RN when I’m 40 and my BSN shortly after. Then, it’s off to the races for my APRN and DNP. It’s my hope (at this point) to go into advance practice forensic nursing or pediatric and adolescent psychiatry so that I can help sexual abuse survivors and their families in a very tangible way. Charlotte is currently acing preschool with an A in coloring and painting, a B in potty training and a C in PE. She does not have her daddy’s athletic ability. She’s currently named with the prestigious awards of “Most Likely to Be a Stand Up Comedian” and “Best Bear Crawl.”
On Writing
In 2014, I signed a two book deal (for my fourth and fifth published books) with Baker books. My book 5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About Their Kids and Sex came out in 2016 and I realized I didn’t have anything else to say to the world. I bought back my contract (still paying that off.) and when I stopped writing, people stopped asking me to speak. If asked, I still do a couple of events a year. It’s fun and I do miss it.
I’m currently working on self-publishing a book called Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sex Abuse Survivors. It will be FREE (except for the paperback, which I will only charge the very minimum that Amazon requires me to charge for printing and shipping using their on-demand service). To pay for the minimal costs of writing that (editing, design, web hosting), I have a Patreon account that is currently receiving $77/month in donations and I’m grateful for every dollar that’s helping us pay for the cost of doing business. I hope to finish it and release it by Spring 2019.
On Faith
The last few years have been hard faith-wise. In 2014 and 2015 when we sold our business and Tim went to pastor in Lubbock, not only were we totally blindsided by the aforementioned toxic leadership in the church we left (on a side note, there were many people who attended that church that we consider dear to us), but we also went through at least two miscarriages, one being extremely traumatic.
From the trauma of the church, to the miscarriages, another church experience back in Iowa, moving because of all these church situations…my faith started to get exhausted. I won’t speak for my husband’s, but it’s safe to say he’s probably at a similar place.
I prayed for strength, for hope, for light, and for a little relief. Nothing. I chose to speak out about my abuse and report him to law enforcement. That only caused my trauma to resurface and I ended up needing to go into inpatient treatment again.
While at the inpatient facility working on the trauma from my abuse, I was hit in the left jaw by a bat when someone swung at a water balloon and accidentally lost control of it. My jaw broke in four places and I had to stay in the trauma unit of Skyline Hospital in Nashville (where I was in treatment) for three days, and in the hospital a week. I lost one tooth immediately and will probably end up losing two more. My jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks, I’ve had 3 or 4 surgeries and have to get 2 more, maybe 3 (bone grafts and implants). I experienced the greatest amount of physical pain I have ever experienced and because of that, developed a fantastic (sarcastically said) physical dependence on opioids because of the high doses I needed for pain control during the two months of surgeries and the relatively long term use. So now, I’m doing a taper and withdrawal plan for that.
I have braces now which also wire in a fake tooth (my front left tooth). I’ll have to get implants and veneers when the braces come off in two years. The entire ordeal cost almost $500,000 when everything is included and our out-of-pocket is in the tens of thousands of dollars and no, the facility did not offer to cover any of those expenses and yes, I’m seeking some legal remediation in that area but in the off chance that works, it’s years away. Right before I reported my abuse, before inpatient treatment, and before getting hit in the face with a bat, we bought a house.
The timing was…horrible.
So, in short: trauma on trauma on trauma on trauma on trauma on top of watching money fly out the window faster than the speed of a bat flying at your face.
To say God is silent is almost an understatement. Some people say it’s spiritual warfare, others say I was “protected” because I’m not dead. I just know that I don’t know and I really don’t even care at this point. People refer me to Christian books or speakers or podcasts and even though I’m nodding my head and am grateful for their thoughts, because of my time in that industry, I am cynical, I don’t trust people in it, and people who I used to “work” with (speak with, endorse their books, travel with, write with) have mostly been absent during this traumatic time. So, no thank you. Hard pass.
I pray only out of superstition, to be quite honest. I don’t know how “God” operates anymore so I definitely don’t want to NOT pray for my family’s protection just in case there is some spiritual safety net that’s catching any “attacks” coming our way.
People say, “the devil just wants you to shut up” or “he wants you to live in fear.” Well, guess what? I’m not Abraham. I’m sorry, but if it comes between fulfilling some calling in my life outside of my family and the safety of my family, you better believe I’m going to choose my family every time. And when you (I) am operating under the question of God’s very existence and presence and interference in our daily life, the foundations of the Christian belief system don’t apply to the way I even process spirituality right now. If I don’t believe with uncertainty that God has a plan or that he operates as I’ve been taught in my protestant upbringing, in my middle-class American thinking, points about “warfare” or “all things working for good” aren’t in the spectrum of what I’m thinking. And if all of this sounds selfish, you’re right, it does. And right now, I’m okay with that.
If God is God in the way I thought I knew him, I suppose he’s okay with the space I need to figure it out, and life will continue. And if God is God in the way I thought I knew him, he’ll show up, and life will continue. And if he isn’t okay with it and/or he doesn’t show up, then life will continue.
On The Future
It’s pretty simple. The justice system will take care of my abuse and I fully trust the Tarrant County DA’s office with that. I may or may not have to testify in a public trial and in front of the man who abused me.
I’ll go to school and go to work and write this book and release it with no expectations other than to hope all of it helps some people along the way.
Tim and I will continue to love each other, to love our daughter, and to be responsible adults who care about people and the world and we’ll do our best to raise our daughter to do the same.
Maybe we will be surprised by God or maybe we already were.
Time will tell.
And maybe over time, I’ll tell you
(if it’s even worth telling, of course).
For what it’s worth, here’s me in January 2009 and me now.
Comments
6 responses to “On Life, School, Career, Writing, Faith and the Future (AKA I’m not Abraham and if God is God and Time Will Tell).”
Anne, thanks for the updates, i have been following you for a long time and i fully support you and your family. I can understand much of what you wrote and your thoughts on God. I get it. I hope others can as well.
I always thought you were awesome and still very much do! If there is anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Peace and Love,
Phil
I don’t want to presume that you might remember me from those days 10 or so years ago, but I have followed your journey as you’ve shared bits and pieces (and more in the older days) and I hope you would consider me at least a familiar face of sorts.
Thank you for sharing all this. Faith can be such a lifesaver and yet such a hell. There is nothing that you share here that downgrades my opinion of you. Far too many Christians have been taught – and continue to teach, themselves – that “having faith” is the same as the act of “denying the truth and acting like God is awesome when your life is actually hell on wheels.” And that’s just not truth.
I do disagree with you about one thing. Maybe the time isn’t now, and it may be a long time away, but, yeah, I read what you write, so it’s obvious that you DO still have something to say to the world, or at least to a lot of people who admit that faith often requires effort and Christians often hurt each other. A lot.
Family always comes first. WAY in front of “church”, though virtually every pastor in America would poop their pants if I said that from a pulpit. God never competes with family. I can’t say that loud enough. Jesus talked about forsaking father and mother and “preachers” have been using that to rob poor people and tear apart families ever since. From what I see in the Bible, the best pictures of God and the church are pictures of family – husband, wife, kids, mothers, etc.
Be strong. Thanks again.
Dear Anne,
My name is Bill Ahlstrom. You don’t know me but you probably are familiar with my dad, Pete Ahlstrom, because he regularly follows your blog and often leaves comments.
We started following your blog shortly before you went to Moldova to learn about sex trafficking and have continued following your blog since. No one in my family knew anything about sex trafficking until you went to Moldova. Needless to say, you opened our eyes and our understanding about the subject.
But that’s not why I’m leaving this comment today.
In January of 2017, I had just been laid off from my job of 5 years and was about to start looking for work when I suddenly had a reoccurring health issue. Except this time, the health issue persisted, resulting in me being in and out of our local emergency room 6 times between January and February.
All of the emergency room doctors prescribed this that and then more of this or that trying to fix the problem, but they couldn’t figure out what the root cause was.
By March of 2017, I had been three months without work, couldn’t qualify for unemployment benefits because my health wasn’t good enough, and was having to live on the savings that I had saved up over the previous three years. Oddly enough, 3 years before I lost my job, I had the strong feeling that I needed to save as much money as I could.
My parents – my dad in particular – told me “have faith”. I said, “really??? Have faith? That’s all you can do is spew a Christian catchphrase?”
I was weak because of my health issues, watching money flow out of my bank account rapidly, and wasn’t strong enough to even look for work. I need solutions, not faith. He said, I’m sure God is going to use this somehow.
After 5 months of this, my doctor finally cleared me to look for work, with the root cause still being undetermined. Three weeks later, a job position suddenly opened up at the company where my sister works – a job that fit me perfectly. That job eventually ended and three weeks later, a different job dropped into my lap unexpectedly.
But here I am, again, about to be unemployed in a week and a half because my boss is moving away. Both of my vehicles have had a slew of mechanical problems that I’ve had to fix, I’m looking at thousands of dollars in medical bills, and once again, things look grim.
I’m not going through the exact same things that you are, but I can tell you to try and hold steady. My dad can tell you that losing your job, then losing your house to foreclosure, and not being able to find a job and having to live out of a pop-up tent trailer with a family of four tests your faith. Trying to live on $337 a month tests your faith. Although we learned a lot about how other people sometimes have to live like that and have no choice.
But do yourself a favor: think back a few years, or as far back as you need to, to the little miracles that had to happen in order for things in your life to turn out a certain way, like the birth of your beautiful daughter. Think about all the little answers to prayer that you’ve had over the last several years. And remind yourself of those things on a regular basis. I have to do that myself because it’s too easy to forget what God has already done for us when things look bad.
Sincerely,
Bill
My dear sweet Anne,
I see you. I hear you. I love you. And you have every reason and right to feel the way you do. These are your feelings to feel. To process. Trauma after trauma after trauma…from where I am sitting, having known you as long as i have, my perception is that a lesser person would have given up a long, long time ago.
I have been praying for you and your family for years. I know you know this. Trying to honor your need for space and privacy. I get it completely. Now, though, i want you to know that i have always been here, as your friend and one of your biggest fans, cheering you on from the sidelines!
I was molested at 2 months old; a detail of my life I have recently learned, along with being molested by several other people between the ages of 7 and 10. I did not tell. For many reasons.
In the early hours of Father’s Day 2018, I was raped by a lifelong friend. whom I trusted, had a history with and knew my recovery story. I am not going to get into the details because it cannot be undone. I did not report it to the police…mainly because I was in denial. However, I am seeing major repercussions of his actions coming around to harm his livelihood, reputation and him having to face consequences of those actions.
I share this with you only to say that even when I feel like God is far. Like he does not hear me cry out. I have had to be still/let go/listen to hear him. In his timing. And it did not mean that he was not working things out on my behalf.
I love you friend! I am not and would not suppose that I should ever advise you on these matters, as they are entirely personal and intimate to you and your experience. I can and would only share my own experiences.
Please know that I am still here. I am still one of your biggest fans. I will continue to cheer you on from the front and sidelines. If you ever need a non-judgmental, loving, sisters ear, I am here!
931.797.9365 c.
Anne, thanks for the updates, i have been following you for a long time and i fully support you and your family. I can understand much of what you wrote and your thoughts on God. I get it. I hope others can as well.
I always thought you were awesome and still very much do! If there is anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Peace and Love,
Phil
I’ve been reading your blog since it was Flowerdust.net. Thank you for the update and your amazing honesty. I’m so sorry for all the traumas and spiritual abuse heaped on you.