People who know me well would call me a little bit compulsive.
I take that as a compliment.
I know everybody has their quirks, and one of mine just happens to be finishing things. I love making lists. I love marking things off lists. I’ll even put something on a list that I’ve completed just so I can mark it off. I can’t stand for the shower curtain to be open, the front door to be unlocked, or things to be crooked.
Things must be finished.
There is a Point A.
There is a Point B.
When life gets stuck between the two, I go a little bit crazy.
Most of you probably read my first blog post about Haiti. You read my Point A.
You read some of the in between.
But even though I’ve been home for two weeks, I haven’t landed at Point B.
I haven’t been able to sign off on the bottom of my trip and file it away in my “Life Experience” folder.
It unfinished, and it’s driving me crazy.
There are so many emotions to sort through, and some of them aren’t pretty.? There are emotions I don’t want to write about publicly on a blog because I don’t want to seem like a jackass…or vulnerable.
…Like the anger I’m feeling toward the lack of relief happening on the ground.
…The pride (fueled by frustration) I feel when I talk to someone who’s already moved on and forgotten about it since they wrote a check a month ago.
…I fight back tears wondering how my friend Jean is, with his newborn baby and family of nine. Did they find adequate shelter before it rained? Are they safe?
…I feel guilty knowing how much my cat’s food costs and how that could feed a family for a week in Haiti.
…I feel confused because I wonder how the Haitians can have so much strength, hope and determination when they have been ignored for so long, and are still being ignored by most. Why do I get pissed just because my prescription medicine isn’t ready when they said it would be?
I’ve done everything I can to complete my “process.” I’ve gone for long drives with good music. I’ve taken naps (I promise — sleep helps me process!). I’ve exercised. I’ve stared out my window in my living room at the big trees in my backyard. I’ve prayed. I’ve read. I’ve talked to friends. I’ve talked to strangers.
And yet I remain stuck, somewhere between my heart and my head and Haiti.
This experience, for me, is unfinished.
That is the only conclusion I can make after two weeks of trying to figure it all out. As I spoke to my friend today about this predicament, I can’t help but wonder if it’s supposed to be unfinished.
Maybe Haiti isn’t an experience I can file away like I have other trips. Maybe the stories don’t just become stories I share about in a book or on a stage or on a blog, but they are stories that actually shift my DNA. Maybe God’s slowly rewiring me, bringing me in alignment with his heart for the poor.
Which by all means, I thought I had already figured out. People pay me to talk about God’s heart for the poor. That qualifies me as an expert, right?
(Just goes to show…)
I leave you with no grandiose words of enlightenment.
No resolution.
Only this verse, that I was reminded of today by a sign at an old Presbyterian church by my house.
“Return to me with all your heart…” (Joel 2:12)
I’m not sure what the next step looks like — to return to God with all my heart. I didn’t know I had gone off track, and you know what? Maybe I haven’t. Maybe it’s the “all your heart” part that I need to keep in mind.
There’s something about connecting to the forgotten, the oppressed, and the overlooked that connects us to the very heart of God. Jesus talks about it in Matthew 25.
May we not forget Haiti and in that, not stray far from our Father’s heart. May we be generous with the money we send, but realize our hands and feet are needed on the ground as well. May we not become fatigued and apathetic because the need is so great, fully knowing we serve a God who is more than capable to do so much through us.
And may we return to God with every part of our hearts…not just the easy pieces we can understand or logically process. May we let the tension and the uncomfortable sense of being overwhelmed take us over, so that we can see redemption in it’s purest light. May we realize we are all poor and we are all in need of rescue.
—
PS: (EDIT: This trip has been postponed…I’ll still be going back. Just not next week.)
An interesting twist to this story has emerged. As I was in the middle of writing this post, I was asked to return to Haiti next week for a few days. (More on that next week.)
At first, I said yes, hoping that it would provide the resolution I need.
Instead, I’m going fully knowing that the story will likely become even more unraveled, and less complete, and hopefully that will guide me – and all my heart – more closely to the heart of God.
As unfinished as it may remain, I’m going to try to be okay with that.
Comments
45 responses to “Unfinishedness”
Well said. Love that you’re not obsessed with resolution (it’s the human condition, I think — the desire to control). Let’s touch base this week, if you can.
Well stated here…it’s called “being wrecked for the ordinary”. It sounds like the wrecking process has just started.I like the part about your DNA being realigned. That’s EXACTLY what is happening and you will never be the same.I don’t think this was an experience to “file away”. What purpose would be served by that? I just think of the Sara Groves song,I Saw What I Saw…
“Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I’m afraid of
And what I know of love”
.-= ironmike?s last blog ..rewarming leftovers… =-.
LOVE the Sara Groves song. LOVE it.
.-= Elora´s last blog ..the inner you =-.
This is beautiful.
Haiti touched me deeply through images and various connections to people serving there. I continue to pray for the nation and the people. I hope to be able to go in person sometime in the future as well.
Praying for you as well as you walk through the journey of remaining unfinished – it’s not an easy one to walk. May God give grace and peace and strength as you journey.
.-= Lisa?s last blog ..Daily 5 – Day 202 =-.
Thank you Ann for sharing your heart and your experiences. My husband & I, and a few friends have been feeling burdened for Haiti, not just to give money but to also go and do something. It has been your posts and experience with Adventures in Missions that ultimately led us to sign up with them for a trip this summer. We will be praying for you as you return there and following your posts closely. Thank you for being so open with what God is teaching and showing you!
.-= Karen Barnes?s last blog ..Serving Refugees ? Post #2 ? A Baby Shower =-.
Like Mike, I love the part about your DNA shifting and you being rewired. As an INFJ you feel and experience life deeply, and I am sure resolution is important, but traversing life with the Lord doesn’t always bring that resolution. It breaks open our hearts, transforms our spirit, and conforms us to his character.
I am thinking of Scott Underwood’s song Take My Life
Take my heart and form it,
Take my mind transform it,
Take my will conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord
I think it is a beautiful that you can’t compartmentalize and wrap this all up. That shows the deep impact and how the unraveling is making you into something new. Thanks for letting us see the change.
~Sherie
.-= Sherie?s last blog ..Bible: metaphor or real =-.
I’m sure you’ve read about this woman, Katie, and her ministry in Uganda. If not, have a look. She took a very radical step of faith when she couldn’t shake her sense of personal responsibility for another land.
http://amazima.org/blog.html
.-= Felicity?s last blog ..Why Teach? =-.
I agree with you, Felicity — Katie’s example of radical faith and being a Disciple is an example to all of us. It changed her life, and it’s changing the lives of those around her, it’s changing the lives of those who are reading about it.
Reminds me of the quote “Once stretched, a man’s mind never returns to it’s original dimensions.” The same can really be said about our walk with the Lord… once we experience living for Him, we can simply never return to our original condition. We will be irrevocably changed.
As a fellow infj and “finisher,” I totally hear and understand you.
I’ve struggled a lot with the unfinished places. I have many of them.
I’ve also discovered that it’s often those places which notice the light the most. Their own darkness makes it possible.
Redemption comes in many forms. Especially in our incompleteness.
You, Anne, will never feel “finished”, I don’t think…b/c ur heart is so wired like God’s heart for those oppressed…that’s just one of the things I (and others) love so much about you…thank-u for loving with a raw love.
Love u,
Lisa
.-= Lisa Syler?s last blog ..Review of Nelson’s Complete Book of Bible Maps and Charts =-.
Anne, I pray that your heart remains “unfinished” until you draw your last breath on earth…
wow… Profoundness, Mr. Dwight. Ouch, there is a lot of truth to your statement.
.-= Reese?s last blog ..B.N.H=4 =-.
First off, blessings to you on your next trip. Praying for peace and rest, and resolve for the people.
When you see with your own eyes the joy that people have in spite of their circumstances, you can’t leave it alone. I know I can’t. I think, for me, it’s because a lot of times my joy is very conditional. After seeing the images and watching your dancing video with the people there, I asked my wife if she ever prays for suffering, because we don’t have what those people (who had nothing) have. And I want it. I need it.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a clearer picture of the glory of God like I’ve seen with Haiti. Sure, it’s messy and bloody. But so was the cross.
I fully believe that our darkest hours can be some of God’s finest moments. You can’t tell me when you see people dancing and worshiping Jesus after having no help/aid that it’s hard to believe in that thought.
As always, thanks for sharing, Anne.
.-= Josh?s last blog ..Gaining Wisdom: Lent (part four) =-.
I know the feeling. I’m compelled to finish things that I start, so much so that it is a bit compulsive. If start looking for something, I can’t stop until I find it. If I ever start cleaning, I can’t stop until everything is clean (which is probably why I procrastinate so long before actually diving into that one…:) )
Anyway, I’m glad to hear you will be making your trip and I’ll definitely keep you and your journey in my prayers.
.-= Kiesha Highly Favored´s last blog ..Single and Highly Favored =-.
i too had a bit of unfinishedness;) i had a year long commitment to serve as a missionary in Paris a few years back and i had to return home. so i did. i then proceeded to raise enough money to return for 6 more months in order to finish my unfinishedness. then i was able to leave feeling a sense of completion. the ministries i had started now how leaders to take over and the friendships i had nurtured now had trust that distance wouldn’t severe the ties. thank you for sharing the honest process of reentry… especially when the experience seems “unfinished”.
.-= JuliaKate´s last blog ..Fiction: Friend or Foe =-.
Anne,
It sounds like God is growing your passion as a missionary. I have met many missionaries who feel the same way and so they couldn’t leave…they felt led by God to stay and share the journey of the people and sharing the Lord’s Love and strength at the same time.
It is so hard to feel a sense of complete about something that is still in full swing. Have you considered that God may be calling you to missionary life in Haiti? Its just a thought. I will be in prayer for you in your journey..
God bless you!!
.-= Mary Joy @ Life Interrupted´s last blog ..Someone once told me its easier to raise boys than it is to raise girls… =-.
You are right where you should be, unfinished. It is good for us when we experience what we have only heard about, when we can feel in our heart and soul what was previously in our mind. Life is hard whether you have or have not but it is certainly more comfortable and less full of terror when you can have the basics. Thank you for using the gift of communication God has given you to help me at least feel in a small part the grief and suffering of Haiti. I need it. We need it.
.-= Cyndi Anderson´s last blog ..The Rich Young Ruler =-.
it is no small (or easy) thing to embrace the unfinishedness. or to return to the “source” of it all.
i love the glimpses of your heart’s journey that i’ve been able to see.
thank you for letting it all hang out… in all its unfinished messiness.
.-= alece?s last blog ..maybe this is my new normal =-.
Alece- just clicked over (briefly) to your blog and am excited about reading. For now, back to work.
.-= Josh´s last blog ..Changes Soon =-.
Thank you for putting words to the thoughts and feelings that I wrestle with after each, similar, life-changing experience I’ve been blessed to have.
Anne, I understand – to some extent – what you are feeling. At the very least I can empathize with you. I’m stuck as well after my time in India and I leave for Rwanda in two short weeks. I’m terrified I’ll come home and be unable to function at all.
I think for myself that I am waiting on a word from God about what is next because I cannot comprehend that I have gone to India, fallen in love with the people, felt a deep work of God in my life and come home and that is that. There has to be more. I just don’t know what it is.
I’d actually love to talk sometime. Perhaps your questions might help me and my questions might help you.
.-= Jan Owen?s last blog ..Meet the Women of India =-.
Personally, I hope you don’t get it “figured out.” Right now it’s fresh and raw and rumbling through your mind constantly. Next month? Next year?
I also get frustrated at how quickly people – myself included – so quickly forget that there are people out there who desperately need help. We’re so wrapped up in our lives, we don’t have time to think or care about their deaths.
It especially grieves me when I do the same. I’m on a fast during Lent to remember the people of Darfur (remember them?) and I’m doing the 40 Days of Water. While I will raise a little bit of money, my big prayer is that God would change my heart and make me more compassionate for today, tomorrow and a lifetime.
When you think about it, unfinished business is what we’re all about. God created the world, then rested. He said, “It is very good,” but He didn’t say, “It is finished.” While I live in this work in progress and live as a work in progress, my confidence is that God will never “figure me out” and “file me away” to get on to the next project.
Yeah, well said. Unfinishedness is one of my favorite things, actually. It keeps us moving. Covering you in prayer, Anne.
.-= Matt?s last blog ..Inheritance =-.
The earthquake in Haiti has changed me to the point that I have lost all interest in trying to find more clients for my little business, and announced on my blog that I would henceforth be writing about Haiti. I don’t know if I’ll go there, but I never say “never.” I will, however, do everything in my power to help keep people’s focus on the great needs in Haiti, lest we forget.
Thank you (and many of the commenters) for expressing the same kinds of thoughts I have.
God bless you all …
.-= Toni?s last blog ..Blogger?s Block, Change of Focus, Haiti =-.
Not many of us get the opportunity to go and serve and then go back and serve in the same foreign country again. It seems like there is some unfinished business.
For me it is easier to throw money at it and feel complete and happy I helped. But in all reality (and in the fact that it seems none of the money is making its way into haiti) I am just trying to buy off my guilt.
I think that is the biggest thing for me…where is my heart at in service.
I hear that in your post and that has left me to ask myself that question.
Excited you are going back. I’m planning on going back because I know Haiti is not to be forgotten. Because I am still getting emails from my new Haitian friends about the ones who are dying in the tent cities due to the floods from the rainy season. I’m going because the media may be finished with Haiti, but God is not.
Maybe I’ll see you out there.
Thanks for leaving this unfinished. Haiti will never lend itself to being a ‘quick’ project, and i think God has a profound purpose in that.
I hear a similar ‘being rewired’ story from all I’ve spoken to who’ve been in Haiti. Reading @flowerdust Unfinishedness http://bit.ly/dgJ9O8
Picasso, Jackson Pollack, Mondrian all wrote like you in the middle of a work of art.
Maybe this is your work of art.
Onwards to point B,
B
.-= Bianca Juarez?s last blog ..servant and slave of all… =-.
love this reply, Bianca. Thanks.
.-= Reese´s last blog ..B.N.H=4 =-.
Anne,
Thank you for writing this. I just returned from Haiti on Monday and can’t get it out of my head. I knew while I was still there that this was not unfinished for me and couldn’t be for some time. I am planning to return by the end of the month and spend 4-6 weeks there. Words cannot adequately describe the flood of emotion that Haiti has brought to my heart. Like you, I cannot sign off on this experience in my life. There is so much to do and an urgency that I believe that God has put on this situation. I hope things work out for your return, I will be praying for you.
I think the hardest part of helping others is realizing the work is never finished. There is always someone else who needs a home, a friend, a meal, an education, a hug, a kind word. A life of service to others doesn’t have a “finish” button, no matter how much we may want one. Through the process of it all God changes our heart, opens our eyes, and challenges us to continue.
.-= Kristine McGuire?s last blog ..Let?s Have a Party! =-.
Can so relate….God is growing me.
“I?ll even put something on a list that I?ve completed just so I can mark it off.” <– I so do that. So fulfilling.
God has been teaching me more, pressing on my heart more to be uncomfortable. It is a hard thing to do, not necessarily the being uncomfortable because I actually want to be that, but rather the getting there. Breaking the mold that has been my life for the last nearly 35 years. I don't want to forget things like Haiti, or the hopelessness that lurks in the slums of India.
.-= Prudence?s last blog ..A Wee Bit of Ahhhh =-.
may you never be finished…. but may it cause you to draw close to the Father and rest in Him… see Him in your memories of haiti and the new faces you will see. while human aid may not be there the Father has always been there. He was waiting for you to come and see what He wanted to show you and be changed forever.
Commenting from my phone so pls forgive…and, as I even said that, I rolled my eyes at myself & how much I have.
Anyway, I went on a mission trip to north Africa last October. I hated coming home but was determined to translate the heart God has given me for Muslims into something awesome here
on our own turf. To this day it hasn’t “panned out” the way I’d hoped. Maybe He wants me to be patient (for the first time in 31 years) or maybe He just wants to continue to show me that my heart was severely changed–b/c it was. I, too, prefer action & resolution. But how great that He is drawing us closer to Him & we are desiring it with all of our hearts…and very wise of you to make the time to listen & realize that.
“…but, they are stories that actually shift my DNA.”
Girl, I am still praying for you; your heart, and your mission-for strength.discernment.wisdom.confidence.and PEACE.
to quote Bianca..
“Onward [and upward] to point B.”
xo
Reese
.-= Reese?s last blog ..B.N.H=4 =-.
It’s called being a World Christian Ann. You cannot go out to reach others and not come home unaffected. God is expanding your heart and helping you to see beyond our N. American consumerism. Embrace it.
.-= Rick Apperson´s last blog ..5 Questions with Aaron Sands =-.
Thanks for this great post and for sharing so honestly. Months ago, I was inspired when you wrote about ‘not stopping the story’—thanks for continuing to encourage us to run the race prepared for us, as we obey and follow hard after the Lord.
Thank you for writing this. I went to Haiti last summer and came home to similar unresolvedness. I’m still there – but it’s nice to know I am not alone.
.-= stefanie´s last blog ..alone =-.
Anne – you MUST go to Youtube and see “little sister haiti” by Providence Ministries.
“When you go to Haiti your heart is broken, and you don’t come back with all of the pieces.”
I get the unfinishedness. It’s been ten years since I’ve seen the red dirt of Jolli Gilbert, and it still haunts me. Praying for you, sister.
.-= Elora´s last blog ..the inner you =-.
I’m glad you’re not finished. So you can write posts like this and remind the rest of us to not allow ourselves to be finished with Haiti either, be it with prayers or financial support or encouraging others to do the same. I’m glad you’re going back.
.-= Danica´s last blog ..Shake the Dust =-.
Wow. excellent post. i feel the exact same way after returning from haiti 2 weeks ago. I havent landed. i havent had time to process like ive needed too..and to be honest, i dont even know where to start. And this urgency to get back there and help those who are now searching for dry land. Gosh, there’s an ache i cant fix. Dangit…
.-= Angie´s last blog ..missing haiti =-.
Anne, God bless you and keep you in His hand.
I was intrigued to read your decision to go back to Haiti, but for unusual reasons (for me). For the three days right before that, I’d felt an unusual “compulsion” to pray for you, and to take some time doing it. Never felt it like that for you before. Then came your announcement. Then it made sense – that God had been dealing with you about whether or not to return. And I was glad I’d prayed.
Speaking 100 times a year? Plus Haiti. Wow! But that may also make sense of what Yvonne says SHE’S feeling she should encourage you to do. It’s that you’re getting to, or are already at, the place where you just won’t be able to do everything, however much you’d love to.
God’s been preparing us for that too. In our case He’s been dealing with us to always pray first. Then take time to listen for his “still, small voice.” Then decide WHAT we will or won’t do. And to not decide until He DOES say “yes” or “no.”
Sometimes he says “yes” to what we love. Other times we have to ask “Why THAT, Lord?” Or, more often, “Why NOT that, Lord?” And sometimes we find His answers hard to accept.
We have to remind ourselves He does it because He knows best. He knows where we’ll be most productive, and how He wants each of us to fit in. And because He sees so much that we don’t. And perhaps just because He IS Lord.
Wherever you are, please know that the four of us will be praying for you.
I too have felt an immense call from God for the people of Haiti. God started putting Haiti on my heart a couple days before the terrible earthquake – and it hasn’t left since. We are meeting at church this evening to discern the needs and activate our teams in the coming months.
Never before have I felt God’s hand guiding my every thought than with the people of Haiti.
I can only hope I come home “unfinished” as well. I am working hard on listening for God and going when he tells me to, not when it is comfortable or convenient for me.
I will continue to pray for you! Thanks for having a heart that breaks for the hurting people in our world.