i can’t cook. plain and simple.
last christmas, i decided i would try and impress my family with my amazing culinary skills. i purchased a boxed cake, a christmas tree shaped aluminum cake pan, some frosting, and some sparkly sprinkles. surely i could succeed at something that only required 2 eggs and a little bit of water.
have you ever seen a cake explode and implode at the same time?
i’m not sure how it happened, but it did. my rachael ray facade rapidly disappeared. my family would have to live without a beautiful christmas tree cake.
so this weekend i was thinking about the cake, and why i even felt a need to present myself as a gifted cake-maker. i wanted to be something i am clearly not in order to be perceived as something i wanted to be. and as we are slowly preparing for the move, i’ve noticed out of all my new-state, new-job moves, our upcoming move to OKC is producing a few more butterflies in my stomach than any other time i’ve moved (which has been a LOT.)
maybe it’s because i am still desperately searching for my tribe. the feelings since writing that have only intensified. maybe it’s because i’m terrified of letting people get to know the real me. i love getting to know other people, but i tremble at the thought of someone really getting to know me. i fear rejection. i fear failure.
aesop said,
?It is easy to be brave from a safe distance.”
most of you are far, far away. so i can share these thoughts with you and shut off my computer.
but things are going to be changing soon. it’s a little weird knowing how many of you OKC people read this blog. so i am going to throw a challenge out at you.
don’t let me hide. because i will try.
and please don’t ask me to bake a cake for you either…
Comments
29 responses to “what i’m learning from a christmas tree cake”
just to ease your mind – every new LC staffer has to make a video presentation to introduce themselves to the other 20,000,000,000,000 staffers
so, you can’t hide working for bobby
btw – since there are so many staffers it may actually be a good idea to start this!? wanna be numero uno?
Can’t wait to have you as a part of the Life Church team. Keep trying on the cakes. We have lots of food around here and will want to try one someday! ;)
tony – i know the words “hiding” and “bobby” can’t be used in the same sentence… :) i am actually totally fine with video…cameras don’t intimidate me much as they are really good at not asking questions! :)
wendy – it is good to know i will continue to not starve…working at a church always has the food benefit!!
i can’t have cake
There is no hiding with the 20,000,000,000,000 staff members we have. It’s not that you won’t try, you just won’t succeed with that many people.
Trust me, I’m an introvert, but people around here just keep talking and trying to get to know me!
Change your cake baking to housekeeping and it’s me. I’m a crappy housekeeper. Most days I don’t make my bed. I get behind on laundry. I just don’t usually have a really neat house. Unless people are coming over. Then I make myself crazy cleaning house so that everyone will think I’m one of those people whose house is always perfect.
I have one daughter in college, my youngest is in high school and our house is kind of a hangout for her friends. Teenagers can be messy and I love them and every last bit of every mess they make. They feel safe and comfortable here because they know if they spill something or break a glass I’m not going to freak out.
So why do I still feel like I have to pretend my house is always perfect?
You may not be able to bake a cake, but you can make some good dog biscuits!!!!!
“i wanted to be something i am clearly not in order to be perceived as something i wanted to be.”
Thank you for showing us the way Anne.
We’ll have you over for dinner when you get here and I’ll make dessert. But it won’t be cake or cookies–I stink at both of those.
Can’t wait for you to be here. And I’ve been meaning to mention, and not gloating at all, but I have now realized my hunch was right! Timing wrong, but hunch…right!
maybe that’s part of it (as i’m going through this exact journey with you).
instead of fearing that others will ask us to bake a cake for them … we come to a point where we can say with confidence, “i don’t bake. and i especially don’t bake cakes.”
it’s not rude, you’re just setting boundaries. it also says that you know who you are and what you’re capable of … which isn’t EVERYTHING. we have to stop trying to be everything and do everything. i don’t know about you, but it’s wearing me out.
i’d rather have my own unique message. something that God created just for me that i could own and walk boldly in. maybe there will be a day when people won’t ask us to do anything other than that one thing we were made to do.
i suppose they would never no though if we keep meddling in things that aren’t representative of who we really are. ugh. (btw, this was way more of a comment for myself, not for you).
i love you all. :)
Um, Anne, just in case you didn’t know…Rachel Ray can’t bake either. I always forget that, but she hates to be tied down to set measurements, and when she bakes it is a flop! She loves to just throw in a “pinch” of this or that, or “once around the pan” of EVOO.
Just a little encouragement that you are not alone!! :-)
Well I know its a struggle of mine as well. I seem to always want to be know as something I am not. Whether, its the guys who knows the bible better than anyone, the computer programmer, the cook, the reader, the whatever…. It took you baking a cake, and it took me 28 days away from home. For myself, it came down to not knowing nor being comfortable with who I am (More of the not knowing). Since getting back home, it’s been a goal of mine to sit with and get to know who I am. Thanks for this honest post and reflection.
I’ve tasted your cooking before. I got out of the hospital in only two days.
Not!
The tribe that you are joining will provide plenty of opportunities for you to fail, to not play it safe, to be open and to just “Do You!” Welcome!
Isn’t that the truth! (not the cooking part, I’ve never experience your cooking, the other part) I struggle with letting those around me know what is going on inside. I hide behind so many faces, fearing like you rejection and misunderstnading. I don’t even write truthfully and transparently most of the time. Fear. I am plagued by it daily. I hope that God will give me the strength to be honest and transparent!! It’s coming. :)
That is the whole point about sharing all of yourself with others.
I can cook but I cannot bake. I have a friend who can’t cook but can bake.
By ourselves, we lack in so much. With God, we lack in nothing. With others, our combined strengths make up for whatever perceived weakness we have.
We never have to go through life alone. Is it a wonder why God wants us to connect and love one another?
I identify with your struggle. I think these things are amplified somewhat for church staff. It seems as though we have to appear somewhat elevated amongst the people that we serve. Some of that is natural and some of that is our own doing. But I find it really hard to have authentic, uninhibited relationships with people from our church. Primarily because it feels different: “I get paid to do church and you don’t”. Now I would say that I do feel a part of a “tribe” and I think alot that has to do with the fact that I have “worked” my way from a volunteer to a paid staffer. Not sure though…am I making this all up or does anyone else struggle with this?
it’s the whole “know and be known” thing… i also enjoy the “know” part, and greatly struggle with the “be known” aspect. be encouraged because this post tells me you’re a step closer on this journey.
(i am in harrismith, south africa — which is halfway between johannesburg and durban. i’m about 3 hours from each of those cities. will you be coming this way sometime?)
So you know…I have been in and out of this tribe of yours that you keep talking about and I think that you and I both hide at times. But I like that we are finding one another again and just to let you know…you are one fabulous lady to know. Did you catch that? Lady…ha ha. We are ladies now. That is so funny. Old. Anyways, I just think that there is more to this whole surrender thing then we first thought. You know? Part of the path, and I am honored to be praying with you as we walk together. I have always enjoyed your friendship and our talks…I am so thankful for you Mrs. Jackson.
Anne:
We’re coming upon our 40th wedding anniversary (so fabulous!) and I consider myself a super chef in the lasagne and spaghetti meals. Baking cakes……hmmm…but I must share this….we have two awesome kids (they’re 36 and 33 now) my cakes “exploded and imploded.” While I was expecting them, I could not make cakes. Pretty weird, hu?
Back to the tummy butterflies in going to Ok. It sounds like from the comments from the Passionate Staffers, they ALL desire, encourage, and delight the best/no judgment in each other; loyalty, protection, assurance, prayer, exhortation sharing, mutual worship. Awesome! Sounds like there’s kind of partnership in that family of God; ministry, soul, friendship, linking arms together, fighting the battle side-by-side and shoulder-to-shoulder.
…..Christ is seen through their love,
…..the seed of friendshp is sown and watered, and
…..a soul is touched with the goodness of God (I Sam. 23:15 Jonathan and David story) I have been so touched by your blogs …they are like a miror to reveal us, a banquet table to feed us, and a rudder to steer us. Thank you soooo much for all your noble thoughts.
I coud and would burn cup cakes! But I have gotten better over the past couple years. It really just takes practice.
Part of my daughters homeschooling is cooking. She has to measure and everthing, and she actually does a pretty good job baking and cooking.
Baking isn’t my gift but I do it out of necessity, the world needs cake, even imploded ones.
Rock on!
It’s not you that will be doing the hiding. What I have found most impressive about you isn’t location specific. I hope you maintain your ability to be brave in the face of your own personal demons, without needing a hard shell, no matter your circumstances. As for me, I’m afraid I’ll remain a fan of Aesop’s fables. This is my last comment here. It’s time to reinvent myself again. May your God bless you and yours in all you do.
Don’t worry, Anne. We won’t let you hide.
Anne- that anxious, butterfly feeling is not fun! I feel that often. We will welcome you and Chris with open arms. Take your time and before you know it, you will be “settled in” and ready to tell us all about your deep, dark secrets…..muahahahaha (in a deep, dark, scary voice:)
Maybe your cake didn’t turn out right because you were channel “Rachel Ray”. She’s a self-admitted flop at baking. “I only cook” :)
We are all here for you Anne. I think it took me a good 3 or 4 months to really hit my stride and be myself. And I still like to hide out sometimes! :) It will be ok.
Anne – relax, you’re coming to the heart of the country! I’m an actual Oklahoma girl and we’re really nice and some of us can cook. I’m living away for right now, but I’ll visit when I’m in town. I’ve been hanging out very close to your new church home for the last month, but I go back to Illinois after Thanksgiving. Bob Robbins is my pastor. Small world – welcome to Oklahoma. Hollar if I can help you with anything.
Kim
are you hiding…? hope not …..