So now it’s time to act on this. Bringing things to the light. My friend’s question about women and porn addiction really hit me. I mean, here is this really intelligent guy who has experienced a lot in his life and he’s never heard of a woman struggling with a pornography addiction. I know from experience that it’s because women don’t like talking about it. So here goes.
When I was a junior in high school, I overheard a conversation about some guys looking at naked pictures on the internet (keep in mind the internet was only a couple years old at this point.) Being raised in a sheltered, conservative home as a preacher’s kid, I don’t even think I knew what a real, live penis looked like… so my curiosity got the best of me. And that was the first time I saw internet pornography.
I didn’t start out as an addiction. I mean, it never does, right? I moved out the next year when I was 17 and had my own space with my own computer. All of the years of not knowing how things were done or what really happened when someone had sex got the best of me and I began exploring. It was a cycle that continued for the next three years…looking at stuff, feeling guilty, repenting as much as I could, and then getting caught up in it all again.
Why couldn’t I stop?
Of course I never told anyone about it. I mean, I was a woman. A girl. Was I gay? Bisexual? A pervert??? There were pictures of both guys and girls….Why did I enjoy this so much and hate myself so much for doing it?
One of my biggest fears became, “What if someone finds out?” So, I bought a new computer, trashed my old one and said, “No more porn. Not on this machine!” and mainly out of the fear someone would find out.
That’s when I realized it was more than just looking at pictures. Because when I abstained from it, I still felt like I needed to. Like I had to. That showed me I was addicted to it.
By some miracle though, I didn’t look again. My fear of being caught was finally greater than my desire to look at porn. That was five years ago, give or take.
The temptation still rears up. I hear voices trying to justify it…saying something like, “Well, I’m just going to look because I can’t believe the stuff that they put on the internet these days.” Like I have to prove to myself it’s as bad as it says it’s going to be. And my gosh, all the dating ads with scantily clad women with breasts hanging out of stringy lingerie (if you have a MySpace account, you know exactly what I mean.) I’m completely straight, don’t get me wrong, but there is something about a woman’s body that is beautiful and mysterious and even forbidden, and that toys with our psyche and I believe tempts us to look.
I’m happy to report that only by the grace of God, talking about it with other females who have been brave enough to share their struggle with me, I’ve never clicked through since the purchase that computer five years ago. Yes, inappropriate thoughts have crossed my mind when I see ads or sometimes even photography or art that is nude. That is never going to go away. It’s a matter of stopping that thinking as soon as I can. Do I always succeed at that? No. But I try. I really do try.
Why do women struggle with this? I think partially it is seeing something…visually, but at least for me, it fed a huge emotional need I had. I was able to put myself in the role of what I was seeing and it made me feel beautiful (by the world’s standard)…to have a perfect body, to be sexy, to be desired and wanted. Living vicariously through someone outwardly flawless. I could escape my own flawed physical appearance and be transformed in my mind to this perfect woman. I think that’s why I did it.
So..I know this has been a really scary thing to write about. Honestly, I’m still debating whether I should post this or not. But I don’t think I have a choice. This is a real problem and if we keep hiding it – like I did for so long – we will always be a slave to it.
II know not everyone is going to feel comfortable sharing publicly, but if you can, please do. I think it will help…no, I know it will help shine light and truth on this.
Comments
5 responses to “Truth & Sex”
Here are all the comments moved over from my Xanga.
Here is a wonderful analogy of how our brain seeks the light…. A physiological phenomenon occurs when – with eyes closed, one experiences “darkness” and then applies “pressure” to the closed eye lids. The retinal cells (the back of our eyes) are so responsive that even pressure triggers them. Try it. The brain interprets the neural firing as LIGHT. (And vision is so important that during the fetal development part of the brain moves to the eye and the eye neural connectors connect directly to the brain). We are wired to seek the LIGHT in darkness.
We are created and wired to seek Truth – which is the Light. We can close parts of our soul to God’s light, but eventually the Light pressures, exposes, reveals – the cavities of darkness. And those cavities are something different for each person – possibly more characteristic of a personality “weakness” where darkness takes hold. But it doesn’t end there.
The Light also provides warmth, vision, hope…. When there is darkness, one the cone shaped neural cells cannot pick up definition or color or detail…. the rod shaped cells can pick up only enough to survive… When Light returns the brain is flooded with vision of God’s Creation and color, movement… contrasts. A young seed in the ground is warmed by the sun and grows into something ALIVE. Or a fire will burn the old, producing heat and light in the process and produce a rich ash from which something new will emerge. That is HOPE.
Although we are wired this way…. and instructed to seek the Light – and our Sanctification process should lead us that way – solitude in the process can be dangerous. Our mind can and does trick us, reserving certain rooms for darkness. This is where Community becomes integral in the entire process of “pressure” or illuminating the light.
Bravo to you and Chris for overcoming in solitude. That is a difficult thing to do – as is bringing your transparency to light HERE. Community and accountability is attentively and intentionally living in relationship – illuminating the alive and dark places of one another’s lives constantly – as if our own lives depended on it. Because they do.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 12:45 PM by SallySchilling
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I wish I could give more than 2 props to you for this post. This is so real and so honest and it is just an incredible post. You are a hero.
The post of Kyle’s and then your post really remind me how we need to talk about these things openly in the church, and be graceful and humble when we share, as well as when we listen. I just have so much respect for both of you, being this open. I wish I had that much courage.
Women struggle with sexual temptation more than most men think. I know so many women (myself included) who have struggled with different forms of it at one time or another in their lives and feel ashamed to admit it, both because of the guilt and because we’ve always (or I’ve always) been told that it’s supposed to be something women don’t struggle with–that somehow “our” sexual sins are romance novels and romantic movies.
Thank you so much for posting this, for being honest.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 1:18 PM by the_silent_word
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Anne- Thank you for sharing. It is good for the female side of this to come to light, because porn/lust is seen so often as the man’s dirty little secret. It is time to act, and I’m thinking about the redemption. Mainly, that redemeption is being set free, but at a price! God redeemed us with the sacrifice, the payment, of Jesus. That’s a heavy toll, but with the redemption of anything, there must be a price. I think much of it is people like yourself laying things out… sacrificing your pride, in order for others to learn.
My story is also one of continual struggle. It’s not just myspace where those ads show up. Yahoo! mail, Hotmail inbox, and so many more. I must also say that much of my story is probably not fit for this forum, but I am always open to speaking with guys in more private settings. So, in addition to Chris, feel free to email me through my xanga.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 1:34 PM by thereeser
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Sally – that is such a smart analogy. Thank you for sharing that. I wish we could say we did this in solititude, and to some extent maybe we did a little, but we definetely had support around us as we walked through this (and still do.)
Becca – Thanks for the many eprop thoughts :) And thank you for sharing part of your story. As more light is shed on this, the more the dark leaves – every little ray helps.
Kyle – Thank you for helping inspire this. And for opening yourself and your life to others who would like to talk. Mucho respect, bro.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 1:49 PM by flowerdust
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Anne, I think as with so many areas of our life, sin is a substitute for the real “thing.” Satan takes a legitimate and good desire, for sexual intimacy & pleasure, and then uses it to “pervert,” in the real sense of that word, those desires so that we try and meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. You are right there is something about openess and honesty to keep us right on this. I know a friend who struggles in this area so he has given his wife password control over his computers so that she can check his internet history etc at any time. I also believe the most important way to resist sexual sin is through God given sexual pleasure and fufilment in marriage. You and Chris need to make sure that you make that side of your marriage the very best it can be so that there is no need to look at substitutes because the real thing is meeting your needs in that area. Its Chris’ job to make you feel sexy and desired and yours to make him look to only you for his excitement in that area. (and that sentence could be the opposite way round to.) This can be done, Ann and I are enjoying the best physical side of our marriage after 19 years together because we are working hard at making sure it is. ( I am so glad that she doesn’t read these blogs or I would get crucified for writing that, when you two meet you don’t need to mention that ok) I would highly recommend two books by a Jewish Rabbi called Shumley Boteach, they are “Kosher Sex” & “The Jewish Guide to Adultery” these are the funniest and most insightful books on the Biblical view of sex I have read. I make all the folk I am going to marry, read them. Not sure if you can get them here.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 2:09 PM by JamesPetticrew
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Anne this is such an important post. Not too long ago, I counseled a beautiful young girl who was just emerging from a gay relationship. Being an young adult, single and not wanting to sleep around, she explored the internet. After becoming addicted (or at least a regular) to porn on the internet she became convinced she was gay, left her church and took up the lifestyle. No one knew. How that messed her life up is immeasurable. So sad. Bravo on the Courage Anne that it took to post that. Made God be glorified through it.
Great illustration Sally, loved it.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 3:02 PM by awarriorprincess
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Well…I am one of the “other females who have been brave enough to share their struggle” with Anne.
As a young girl (age 11 to about 16)… I too struggled with a porn addiction. But through repentance and sharing the struggle with those close to me it became so much easier to live with it. I had people accountable for me in my life.
Although it is constant battle me and as Anne mentioned – those darn banner ads – I have been “porn free” for nearly 5 years.
Girls…. It is SO easy to get caught up in it and all of sudden be trapped – I know. Don’t try to hide it or approach it has a phase. Share your struggle. It is important for girls to admit that is a problem for them.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 5:01 PM by crystalrenaud
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Thank you Anne for feeling brave enough to post this personal post. I’m confident that others will be encouraged to work through their struggles and seek the freedom you have enjoyed.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 5:47 PM by breathe_fire
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Wow, Anne…just wanted to say thanks for being so completely honest in such a public way. That took guts. I pray that this post touches someone (many someones perhaps) and brings the issue to light more so than before.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 6:13 PM by yourheadispunk
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I came across your post… and I just had to let you know that I am very thankful to you for posting this! It took a lot of courage… but I know God used this post to let some girls know… well that they aren’t alone in this.
Posted 11/12/2005 at 8:53 PM by boxcolorRedhead
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I Shared you post with some who don’t blog. You two have no idea the magnitude of your example. You are definitely black belt Warrior Princesses. Way to ride straight into the battle with your sword swinging and rescue many of your sisters from this same battle! THAT is what we are here to Do and Be for each other. Many will will freed. Being honest is the first step in defeating the enemy but we can’t stop there; we have to resolve to defeat it! EVERY ONE of us is a lighthouse in some kind of storm, way to shine your light to those who’ve lost their way in this one!
Posted 11/13/2005 at 7:08 AM by awarriorprincess
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Wow, anne, i’m so proud of you for doing this. I’m not sure what that means coming from a 17 year old, but i’m definately proud.
tracy
Posted 11/13/2005 at 8:37 AM by randomtoto –
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eProps and real props to you for having the courage to post this.
Posted 11/13/2005 at 12:37 PM by faithful_quest –
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wow. thanks for sharing this. women are naturally such good communicators. it’s sad that we don’t talk enough about the stuff that really needs to be said… this was amazing…
Posted 11/13/2005 at 2:10 PM by Sheplaysamartin
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Yeah, thanks Anne. Although this area has not been a struggle for me, mental images and daydreaming has. We had this discussion around the house that for many women, “chick flicks” are a form of pornography- they can set unreal standards for relationships, sex and men and warp how we interact with others, much like what visual porn can do.
Posted 11/13/2005 at 9:02 PM by stinkowoman –
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you amaze me
ok?
Posted 11/13/2005 at 10:15 PM by itshard2see –
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Thanks for being so honest and real anne. It is an amazing post!!
Posted 11/14/2005 at 2:31 AM by PalomaRace
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Anne –
What can be said that has not already however I tell you in our weaknesses we are made strong. You, my dear sister, have been made so much more than even strong – you have been made exceptional.
I was reminded last night , through a missionary at our church who lost her son to cancer in April, that when “we are crushed, and heat is applied our fragrance to the throne becomes so much more beautiful and pleasing”. You have made a fragrant offering to our King in your honesty and truthfulness. I pray for you and your husband as you continue to work through your various weaknesses but I am sure wonderful,beautiful, kingdom-impacting things lie ahead for both of you.
Thank you for you post and your intelligent communication of so difficult a topic.
Aaron Matthews
Posted 11/14/2005 at 7:20 AM by Mattchews
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Thanks, Anne. I have often been struck by how even well-intentioned and thoughtful sermons, talks, support groups, etc. (at least within the Christian church) are delivered with the clear message that this is something men struggle with. Well, of course it is. But, I know full well that women struggle with it, too. Whether it is an addiction or something less as we look to an unhealthy place to find a way to fulfill unmet desires and needs within us, it is a problem. And feeling like we can’t talk about it because of spoken or unspoken messages suggesting that any woman that struggles with this is rare and must have something seriously wrong with her is just getting old.
I am glad that you work with youth, because they will need someone like you to talk to as they travel through a world where pain and longing runs rampant and porn is as close as the click of a mouse.
Posted 11/14/2005 at 1:18 PM by notsostrange –
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Thanks for being so honest, real, and brave Anne.
Posted 11/14/2005 at 4:29 PM by Megflower
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I concur with all the other comments….and like others, what more can I possibly add? I appreciate your honesty and authenticy and just plain raw openness. How in the world are we to help people if we don’t know what is really happening with people…if we don’t share our own struggles, trials, and victories how can we possibly give others hope? Though I have never encountered any pornography as an adult, I do remember seeing a couple pornographic movies on cable at a sleepover in 5th grade. We all knew it was wrong, we turned the volume real low to keep it hidden, but we all were clearly and totally captivated by what was on screen. Even in 5th grade it stirred something inside of wanting to see more, I still remember the movie to this day…the images are a powerful and enticing lure. Thankfully, I just did not have opportunities to explore the impulses to see more, but, I can totally understand what draws men AND women, both, alike, to pornography. If anything, our society and culture makes it almost harder for a woman to share her struggles because it is assumed men are the ones who struggle with sexual issues. The more we can recognize and admit the struggles BOTH sexes have with pornography and other sexual temptation, the more we can truly help people approach the throne of grace and forgiveness and healing….
Posted 11/14/2005 at 5:05 PM by ddworak
Thanks for your honesty.
Seriously, can you be any more real? Thank you for that.
Anne,
It was a blessing to get to know you, what was it, about 6 years ago. And I only wish I has known you were going through this struggle back then. Thank you for being open enough to share about your life. It helps everyone to know that we aren’t in this alone. Sin snags everyone, like barbed wire. It grabs us as we are jumping over that fence into a field of anticipated bliss. And it always leaves a little hole in our pants and maybe even a little gash in our leg.
I hope you in your husband are enjoying life. If you are ever in DC, please look me up!
Matthew
Thank you for being honest, real and providing light.