Anne Marie Miller

Category: Woman Things

Fighting for Our Men: A Challenge to Any Woman for Any Man

Imagine five women: two married (one with kids), and three single gals. All around thirty, give or take. We’re at the Opryland Hotel, piled on a hotel bed and various spots on the floor, one with legs draped over the side of an ivory recliner. It’s close to midnight. And we’re talking..about guys, of course.

Recently, it’s been encouraging. Instead of hearing the “There are no REAL men to date. Just boys. Boys without jobs. Boys who play too much Call of Duty. Boys with too many other girls who are friends. Boys who live at home. Boys who don’t open doors,” we had a totally different conversation.

“Do you think that sometimes guys feel like they can’t be men because we’re always telling them that they’re boys?” asked my friend sitting next to me on the bed.

Yes, yes, a million times yes.

It is easy to look around and see a world where men are tethered to their jobs, their phones, their parents…whatever gives them a sense of security and identity. Please don’t misread: women are as equally tethered to the things we find our value in. Somehow, we’ve found away, in spite of our competitive and comparative nature, to still champion one another – or at least help each other know we aren’t alone. From my very limited conversations with men, my husband included (who bleeds the desire to connect and grow with other men), it doesn’t happen so easily for them.

Generally speaking, women wired to nurture. Men are wired to protect. And because so many of us have experienced a man letting us down in our life (a father, a pastor, a priest, a spouse…), we have stepped into the role of protector so that we may feel nurtured. Safe. Free from being let down again.

If you’ve ever taken a sociology or human behaviors class, you know that once a group of people or culture changes a behavior, in time, that change has a profound effect on future human behavior. Just take a look at gender roles and how they shift with each passing decade. When the women of a culture tell men (by showing them) we don’t need them, it’s completely natural for the men to adapt to not being needed.

Instead of thinking the men of whatever generation are not men, maybe we can change our beliefs about them. By changing the way we think, I believe it will have a profound effect on how we act toward them – directly and indirectly.

I know in many situations, I’ve not always believed the best about my husband, Tim…even when one of the (many!) reasons he was able to break into my heart and steal it is because of his strong leadership and desire to protect and care for me.

We were one month into our marriage and finalizing details for our move to Nashville. We drove from Iowa to Tennessee and stayed with friends as we looked at renting and buying and where we should live. The cost of living in Nashville is about three times as much as it is in the Quad Cities area, so the sticker shock was a lot to take in.

I really (really, really) wanted to live in one area close to my friends and the community I’m used to living in. We had a little bit of debt to pay off, but we had the money to make the move happen without it stretching us too far financially. I thought it was a done deal until Tim proposed the idea of waiting three more months so that the debt could be paid and we could head into it without the guillotine of interest rates hanging over our heads.

In the living room of our friends’ home, with them present, I started crying/getting angry/being stubborn/wanting my way/and was pretty much on the border of a temper tantrum.

“Why don’t you want me to move back and live with my friends?!”

In one (loving) sentence, he shut my selfishness and my assumptions on his motivation down.

“The reason I want to wait three months is so I can give you this; so we can do this together, easier, and so you can have what your heart desires most.”

I see the power of my words, my passive responses to him, and the false beliefs I project on him and how they tear away at his innate desires to care for me and love me. When I show a lack of respect for him or my unwillingness to believe he has my best interest at heart fires away at him with 45-caliber force, I’m telling him I’m strong enough on my own. I can protect myself.

These things that hurt men, whether we’re married to them or not.

My friend that asked if sometimes men act like boys because of the way culture tells them to wrapped up our estrogen-filled talk time with a generous and love-filled thought:

“Whoever my future husband is, I pray he has women around him who are showing him he’s strong, he’s capable, and who are praying for him and encouraging him along the way, no matter where he is in his journey.”

May we all take on that countenance with the men in our lives: our fathers, our brothers, our husbands, our friends. May our thoughts, words and actions only build them up so they have one less voice telling them they’ll never be man enough.

October 30, 2013
It’s Okay to Start Small

For a season of my childhood, we received food from the government. Black and white label five-pound containers of peanut butter. And cheese. I’m sure we got more, but the snapshots of those two items are clear in my mind. At times, we had our own garden and a local farmer would be kind enough to wrap up in butcher paper whatever animal he slaughtered and we’d freeze pounds and pounds of it. Every Tuesday I had a piano lesson and it was a celebration. We had to drive in to town anyway, so after my piano lesson waited a What-A-Burger kid’s meal and Dunkin’ Donuts donut holes for the next morning.

Overall, my parents did a reasonably fine job of creating healthy children. We were rarely sick, we were extremely active (what else is there to do in west Texas but ride your bike hours on end chasing imaginary drug dealers?) I played basketball until I blew out my knee and when I’d get angry, I’d run a one-mile stretch between our house and an elementary school. I was never overweight…until I moved out on my own.

In my early twenties, I added a good thirty to forty pounds to my 5’6″ frame. Some people say I carried it well and they couldn’t notice. I look at the few pictures I have from that time and reply that I carried most of that weight in my face. If you read my old blog in those days, it was a weekly weigh-in…and over the course of nine-months, I lost it.

But then I got diagnosed with a heart condition that prevented me from getting my heart rate over 120, and exercise was out of the picture. I was slim, but I wasn’t in shape.

Long story short, someone dared me to find a new doctor and get my heart “fixed” – even though I was told it couldn’t be. If it was fixed, I’d have to ride a bike across the country with the Ride:Well Tour. Well, my unfixable heart was fixed and between 2009-2010, I logged close to 5,000 miles on a bicycle.

I worked out all the time…until…boom. The heart condition returned.

Two years went by and I’d try to exercise, to force myself to push beyond my 240+ bpm heart rate (don’t ever try that). I returned to my doctor and had another surgery on my heart in July 2012. As far as we know, it’s still fixed. Hopefully it will stay that way.

I set a goal at the beginning of the year to run 300 miles in 2013. I believe I’m at 60. I did really well in the beginning (don’t we all?) and then didn’t regularly exercise for, like, I don’t know. Six months?

My weight is creeping back up into what I consider to be my “danger zone” and I find myself demotivated instead of motivated to do something about it.

Something about be a perfectionist…

My friend Dawn is amazing. She lost over 130 pounds in a year by exercising and eating right. Size 22 to size 2. Just like that. No magic pills, no fad diets. Just hard work and self-control. Our society lacks those so much, People Magazine picked up the story because it’s so inspiring.

My texts to Dawn lately:

I feel like crap.

Why do I want to sleep all the time?

I can’t stop eating cookies.

And the big one last week…I think I’m medicating my anxiety with food.

Dawn always graciously replies to make little changes. Tim and I have. We started juicing (again for me – the first time for him). Tim is gluten-intolerant, so I’ve cut out gluten as well (and I feel amazing!) We don’t buy very much processed food…almost everything we eat is fresh (and when we can, organic and local). This week, we’re taking out all meat but healthy fish.

I tried to go for a run last week and was disappointed that after a mile of intervals, I was done. I used to be able to run four miles just six months ago!

“What do I do? What can I commit?” I texted Dawn in frustration.

Her reply:

Go easy on yourself…even if it’s simply a goal of moving everyday. You don’t need to be hardcore! Commit to taking, at least, a three-mile walk five days/week…at least you’re moving…and your body can learn to crave it.

It’s hard when I see her flipping tractor tires to accept that, but I know she’s right.

As a maximizer…as a perfectionist…as an all-or-nothing…I have to admit…

It’s okay to start small.

No, really. It’s okay.

Following Dawn’s advice and some extra encouragement from my husband, I only hit snooze once and I put on my new Reeboks with the hot pink laces and some good music and went for a 2.5 mile walk. I even ran a few times. And when I couldn’t run anymore, I stopped and continued walking.

I got home, Tim made some kale/carrot/apple juice, I made some healthy scrambled eggs (and coffee…), and I feel good.

I still feel frustrated that I’m not flipping tractor tires yet, but if I can commit to even just getting moving five times a week…which I can do even when I travel…it’s progress.

Maybe it’s not healthy eating or exercise for you. Maybe it’s a ministry goal or something you want to do in your marriage or with your kids. Maybe it’s signing up for online dating or asking your friends to set you up. Maybe it’s reaching out to start a Bible study or a girls’ night. Maybe it’s reading your Bible every day.

The time you spend in whatever you’re doing will add up over time.

Skipping a day here and there doesn’t seem like a big deal until six months have passed and you realize you haven’t knocked off one mile (but you’ve slept in an extra cumulative 72 hours during those six months…shudder).

It’s okay to start small.

Will you start with me?

October 1, 2013
The “Change Me” Prayer

I’ve always heard about it – in church, in counseling, in conversations I’ve eavesdropped on in coffee shops.

You never try to change people in your relationships. You can only change you.

Oh, how changing yourself is hard.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, a book I should have finished reading the moment it came off the printing press. And whether you’re married or single, read it. Another good book? Fully Alive by Dr. Larry Crabb. Talk about two wonderful books on relationships and gender. Anyway, I digress. (But really, pick them up.)

The ending reinforced the truth of loving someone (in the case of Love & Respect, loving one’s spouse) out of obedience to God first and foremost. Nothing new, but always a good reminder. But deep inside my spirit, an inspiration to actually change something emerged…

Change me.

Whenever I feel that first notion of being offended, irritated, or the need to be right…“Lord, change me.”

Whenever I feel like I want to choose the worst instead of the best…“Lord, change me.”

Whenever I feel like I want to worry and not trust…“Lord, change me.”

Will this one small prayer in many moments over many days change me? How? And I’m not putting permanent parameters on it, but let’s just say for a year, I’ve made an intentional commitment of praying this prayer and weekly journaling how my heart is changing.

Because certainly God will change it, right?

Lord, change me…

Married or not, would anyone like to join me in committing to this for the next year?

September 24, 2013
Feeling Stuck? Two Things to Help You Give it All (or Give it Something)
I was fairly certain I would never date again, let alone be married again.

When you find yourself wrapped up in a crisis of an unexpected divorce that takes you from being with one person for almost a decade to being alone and it happens so fast you’re a balloon that has been slowly punctured with a needle so you don’t pop, but instead the air and life leak out of you until you’re limp, well, it kind of messes with you.

Once the initial shock wore off, when sleeping alone became normal and I stopped making dumb choices that only reinforced loneliness as a curse instead of accepting it as a gift, I realized I was quite happy being single.

I lived in west Michigan a mile from the lake and spent the summer on the beach or visiting friends or in Africa, and when I returned, I got an email from a Christian dating site asking me to visit and check out the new matches they had for me. Surely I’d find someone. Surely it was God’s plan. God’s timing.

I laughed.

I laughed but I clicked.

And I saw a picture of a guy on a mission trip who loves telling stories about what God’s doing in the world, and loves serving the local church and the big church. And I sent him a message and blamed the jet lag for falling into the dating site’s trap.

But a little over a year ago, he asked me on a date, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend, and the he asked me to marry him [< video], and six months later, we got married.

The girl who was fine without a guy, who was happy being single and hopping on planes whenever she wanted to wherever she wanted, was secretly afraid to be hurt again with a pain so dark she was certain she could not survive.

But she said yes to the first date, she said yes to being his girlfriend, she said yes to his proposal and she said yes to being his wife.

Tim and me in the Philippines this June, doing a video update on our mission work there.

People sometimes look surprised when they realize Tim and I have only known each other for a little over a year and we’ve been married for half that time. And marriage is not some thing to enter into lightly. We both come from marriages that broke like glass and did not reflect Christ like a mirror and we know that’s what a marriage should do. When Tim approached me even before that first date, it was with the sole intent on getting to know each other so that we could commit our relationship to serving God.

Even with our weaknesses and in the places we need to grow, and with the things we have to learn and the new things we get to experience, I continue coming back to two things that I think not only apply to marriage, but apply to everything we face in life where we feel like the resistance is too much to push through.
1. It’s about being holy: It’s not about us. It is now about how I feel, or how Tim feels. It is about my decisions and asking myself if those decisions bring glory to God or don’t. There are many other things like dates and flowers and friends and dinners and holding hands on a walk, but this covenant is about how we reflect Christ to each other and to the world. And when you’re in the throes of it, in the mundane and the dirty dishes and the taking for granted and the heat of raised voices, sometimes it is so difficult to remember that. It’s is wonderful and is not easy. Marriage is hard and I tell my engaged friend this; but it is the hard things that make us holy. The same holds true for anything. It’s not about you. It’s about being holy.
2. It’s about taking a chance: I know there are people who are on the verge of commitment but fear (sometimes a just fear) keeps them from pursuing or being pursued. I think I was one of them. The old saying of “you’re never ready” generally applies to marriage, to having kids (I imagine), or to taking that big leap – whether it’s marriage or a new job or something else. It has been said a million times by a million people but the things we fear the most are usually the things we’re meant to do. In regard to relationships, one friend comes to mind. Tim and I met him over pancakes on a rainy day and he told us how he thinks he likes a girl, and he loves her kids, but was he ready to not just become a husband but a father? Tim said some things about just making a decision, whatever that next step was, anything to not stay in limbo. And our friend listened. He committed to her, proposed a couple months later and they’re getting married next summer.I think of friends who have quit jobs or taken a shot at their dreams, who have done “crazy” things like give up health insurance and took a million part time jobs so they could do that one thing that makes them come alive.
Everyone says it’s terrifying. Everyone says it’s worth it.

What is that thing for you? That desire that won’t go away, that longing that is glued to you like your shadow? And what is that thing that’s keeping you from diving into it, giving it all (or at least, giving it something)?
September 11, 2013
Stray Eyebrows, Grey Hair, And Gravity’s Effect on My Spiritual Life

Tim and I just moved back to Nashville last week, and our bathroom mirror is a lot bigger than it was in our apartment in Illinois. The lighting is also better, well, let’s just say it’s brighter, and evidently this has had an effect on my mental well-being in the subsequent days after moving into our new place.

I wake up.

I walk to the bathroom and turn on the light.

And I stare.

I stare for an uncomfortably long time at the big mirror with the brighter lights and I realize things aren’t what they used to be.

I understand. I’m only 33. Beauty is not a number, nor is it even really what can be reflected in a mirror. But let’s take a moment and say this isn’t about beauty.

It’s about gravity and yes, those two hairs my friend Kat saw when she cut my hair really are grey, and why is there an eyebrow hair growing half an inch away from my eyebrow? When did that tooth shift over, and where did these valleys of lines under my eyes come from? And even though I pretty much have weighed the same over the last five years, why are certain things larger and certain things smaller and is that lotion really working?

It’s not that I’m freaked out necessarily, but if anything, these slight modifications in my appearance which seems to have happened quite literally overnight reinforce the fact that I am 33.

As we were unpacking boxes, I stumbled across an old Bible study I did when I was 21. It asked what limitations, if any, I felt were placed on me. “My age,” I wrote, knowing people just didn’t take 21 year olds seriously. And now I look back 12 years at my 21-year-old perfectly toned memory and I wish I could tell her just how much she could actually do and how much to savor every moment of being 21 (anti-gravity superpowers included).

33 is not old, but it is different and being married to a 33 year old and doing things like “meeting with an attorney to discuss business taxes” and “getting my cholesterol checked” and “taking a lot of vitamins in the morning” are making me realize that yes, I am older. And I’ve been to enough Women of Faith events and heard Anita Renfroe enough times to have a biological road map created in my mind on where I can expect more things on my body to move to. When I was in my twenties I used to find her comments on growing older funny but now that I’m in my thirties I find them ~~slightly~~ terrifying.

And I’m getting off track again (it’s just that it really seemed to happen overnight so I’m still in a little bit of shock this morning) but it also helps me recognize no matter how many years I have left, if it’s 33 more or 66 more, I don’t want to look in a mirror and ever feel regret.

It’s okay if I feel fear, feel surprise, feel shock, feel horror, feel humor, yes. All of those things I accept (with only a little bit of bargaining with God).

But regret? Lord, help me. No. Please help me and my slowly declining estrogen make each day count for something beautiful and lovely for You.

September 6, 2013
The 34,000 Divorces

Dear reader,

I don’t know who you are. But you found this blog because you Googled something that asked something about how to find help because you’re going through a divorce. Or you’re looking for ways to help a friend (sister, brother, parent, co-worker) who’s going through a divorce. All I know is that in the last thirty months or so, there are 34,000 of you that have found your way to this website because you did a web search using the word “divorce” and a divorce is one of the most broken, painful things one can experience.

Each day when I log in to my blog, I don’t bother looking at how people got here anymore; it’s always the same. It looks like this.

You see, a few years ago when I wrote at another blog, things like “Anne Jackson author” or “Anne Jackson speaking schedule” or “Anne Jackson books” would bring people to my website. I never once thought anything having to do with divorce would lead you here.

But in 2010, I faced my own crisis. A divorce. It was never supposed to happen to me. If you click around enough on this website, you’ll see a journey of grief and healing. Of pain and hope.

There may be a little advice. But I’m afraid I have little to offer you.

Divorce is hell; it’s a million fires and a black hole and anguish and fear. It’s empty and all you know is it’s not the way it was supposed to be.

I’m sorry that you’re there. I’m sorry someone you love is there. Divorce leaves you broken and in my own I realized that broken was the only place where I gave God room to come in.

I guess if you’re here and looking for an answer or a glimmer of light or a breath of air as you search the internet for some way to possibly hurt less, that would be it.

Be broken, give God room to come in.

And I’m sorry. I’m so terribly sorry.

Much love,

Anne

June 10, 2013
How One Guy Won My Heart – Our Proposal Story

[Note: The engagement took place at The Establishment Theatre where Tim is in an improv group with ComedySportz!]

When my husband Tim asked me to marry him (which started a slew of Instagram photos of the event), a few of you asked us to tell our story.

Well, Tim’s a) incredibly thoughtful; b) incredibly creative and c) a professional videographer. So once he set his plan in motion – which took two months of sneakiness – he knew every moment would be documented. Sure it’s nice to show off to the family & friends, but our real hope in this is that others see Christ’s love in us. That is only where our love for each other can begin.

One of the things I love most about Tim is his intentional pursuit of me, as a woman. A passionate, Godly man who pursued? It was a rare trait. So women, take heart! They do exist! As you watch (or read) our story (it’s in the description part of the video), it will give you context to how he proposed the way he did. All of the crazy elements of the proposal had significance to our story!

Here’s the video below, but for the full description, you might want to click over and watch it on its YouTube page. We hope you are encouraged by it, inspired by it, and that most of all, you will see how a redemptive God can take two broken people who love Him and join them together for His work.

May 30, 2013