Category: Mental Health

I think it’s fair to say if you’ve been around here any amount of time, you’re familiar with my on-and-off again battle with depression. I had some bloodwork done a couple months ago and they found out I was severely Vitamin-D deficient.

Insert mega-high dose of 50,000UI/week of Vitamin D for the last month.

Insert a huge difference.

Now, it’s not a perfect fix, but it’s helped tremendously.

You know those weeks where it’s cloudy all the time, but every once in a while the clouds break for a while and the sun is out, but then it gets cloudy again?? Instead of being cloudy all the time…there are significant breaks.? Which is AWESOME.

There are enough breaks that I haven’t felt necessary to actually start my antidepressant.

Anyway, I know many of you have also shared your own stories of depression, so if you haven’t had your blood tested for Vitamin D levels…I recommend it highly.

it was interesting some of the emails i received about monday’s post on depression.? it made me realize a lot of people have some misunderstandings about what depression is and why some people battle it.

now, let me preface this by saying i am not a doctor or a psychologist (although i’ve been to more than my fair share of both) :-)? however, here are some common myths about depression i thought we’d remove so that everyone can have a better understanding.

why are you depressed?? i thought you loved your new job and it seems like stuff is going well for you.

you’re right.? i love my new job and things are going great.? for the first time, i’m not financially stressed out, the relationships i have are incredible and i have never felt more at home than i do in nashville.? all of my external circumstances are awesome!? too bad depression isn’t caused by any of them.? sure, environments can influence ups and downs, but a lingering bit of sadness or feelings of low self worth means it’s probably something more.

to further prove this point, last year at this time i was going through probably one of the toughest times in my life.? i had an awful, no good, very bad situation i was walking through over the course of late fall and early winter.? on top of that, i was also weaning off of anxiety medication (stressful!), writing a book (stressful!), and getting ready to move from dallas to oklahoma city (stressful!)

but you know what? i had absolutely no symptoms of depression at all.? nada.

don’t worry.? if you trust god more, he’ll bring you through.

thanks for the kind and faithful words. and i don’t doubt that.? but depression generally has little to do with someone’s relationship with god.?? if that were the case, every person without faith would be miserable and every person with faith would be happy all the time.?? can i afford to spend more time with god? absolutely. depression isn’t caused by a bad relationship with god or healed by a good one.? if anything, i have to lean even more into that relationship (and the relationships with my friends) to get the strength i need during the seasons of depression.

so, you wrote this book on burnout and you talk about being emotionally healthy.? your past struggles with this and your current struggle doesn’t really give the best example.? what gives you the right to write about this?

i won’t lie. that email hurt (and that is just a small snippet of it).? and the thoughts of my own human inadequacies haunt me all the time when i ask myself, “really, what authority do i have to speak into this topic? i’m struggling right there!” fortunately, i got another email after this one that said this.

Listen, your struggle doesn’t mean you are broken as a person, and it doesn’t make you less spiritual. ?The devil is going to lie to you and say you have no business writing about Mad Church Disease with this going on. ?Don’t give in to that lie! ?Your experience and even your struggles uniquely qualify you to speak authoritatively on this subject. ?God uses our weaknesses to demonstrate His strength in us. ?I believe our precious Lord wants to take what the enemy meant to destroy you and use it to bring glory to Jesus.

that answer was for both the person who wrote the first email, and the demons that walk around in my brain.? but i know that question is something probably a lot of us wrestle with: what qualifies us to do the work we do when we screw up all the time?

grace.

so there you have it.? depression has little to do with your environment, relationship with god, and capacity to be used in this world.? it has much to do with our bodies’ brokenness, chemical imbalances, and the hand we’re dealt.? we honestly have very little control over it.

what we do have control over is how we manage it if we have it, or how we treat others who are struggling.

both require a little patience, a little wisdom, and a lot of love.

i don’t talk about it much, but depression is something i’ve fought with most of my adult life. it usually comes and goes in seasons, and like a lot of people, it typically gets worse around the holidays.

two years ago, it got pretty nasty and i blogged about it a little bit. but last year, i really can’t say that it even affected me.

this year, it’s back to rearing its ugly head. it’s been about six weeks now and that dark cloud hasn’t left yet.

i’ve decided this time around, it’s time to try chemical help again. last time i was on medication, it didn’t help so much (in fact, it just made it worse), but a pastor and friend i deeply respect has recommended trying something new. he’s battled it for over thirty years, while leading a very large church. he has a ton of insight. he even wrote a book about it.

all this to say a few things: if you suffer from depression, i’m sorry. i know how it envelops your soul, your life, your joy, and turns you into someone you don’t want to be. if you’re married to or friends with someone who has depression, thank you for supporting them. it’s not a fun place to be either and i’m sure a lot of the time, you feel helpless and you don’t understand it. and that’s okay. and if you’re reading this, you know what? i could sure use your prayers and i bet a few of you could use mine.

again, depression isn’t something i like talking about much because, well, it’s pretty depressing. i don’t like being depressing. i like being the girl who has everything all figured out and her life’s all put together perfectly.

(let me let you in on a little secret – that’s SO far from the truth!!!)

on the other hand, depression is something many of us face one way or another, and i just wanted to say you’re not alone.

and i’m pretty sure that i’m not either.

===

(bonus points for whoever can tell me who sings the song with the title of this post as one of the lyrics – no googling!)

a couple of months ago, i wrote about my gradual weaning off my sleep/anxiety medication (it’s one pill – a really strong sedative). i was a little nervous. one, i didn’t know what kind of withdrawal symptoms i’d have and two, i didn’t know who the person on the other side of this journey would be.

i’m still not completely finished with the withdrawal, but by this time next week i will be. i am so very happy to report i’ve only had some minor symptoms (mainly headaches).

i think that probably the biggest surprise is the fact the non-medicated version of me is SO MUCH DORKIER than the medicated version. i say that with as much emphasis as possible.

anyway, just wanted to update you all. if you want to read a little bit more of the journey over the last year, you can here.

thanks for your prayers & support!!

if you are on medication for anything, don’t make up your own plan for getting off of them. talk to your doctor. work out a plan. don’t just stop. my doctor has been great at helping me through this, as well as talking to friends and a counselor. disclaimer over.

if you’ve been around a while, forgive my redundancy. i’ve been on a sleep/anxiety combo medicine since january and a “stress” medicine (did you know they made those?) as well. you can read about some my attempts at medication through some stressful transitions here.

a lot of people – christians in particular – have questions on whether or not medication for depression and/or anxiety is biblical. shouldn’t you just snap out of it? my personal experience with taking my doctor’s advice, and working with a therapist led me to decide that going on medication temporarily as i worked hard core through some issues in counseling would probably be best. and i think it was. if i felt healthy enough, i would be off the medication in a year.

so because of the kind of medicine i am on, i have to gradually wean off. over the next eight weeks (beginning last night) i will be cutting back by eighths on one medicine, and thirds on the other.

how do i feel about it? i am so looking forward to what’s on the other side. my emotions have never felt more stable, my sleep is back to normal, and i’m not stressing out a ton. it may not seem like the best month to start this withdrawal, with all of the stress of current events, but i really think i am in a good place. with the support of my friends, family, therapist, YOU GUYS and undoubtedly resting – really resting – in God’s promises of truth, justice, confession, and provision; i am not too worried about it.

my final week of medication is november 26. i’ll occasionally post updates of how i’m doing if i think about it, but i am really looking forward to taking this next step!

on a side note, this weekend in alabama went great. it was all a little bit of a blur to me but after speaking with several people after the message or getting emails from them over the last few days, i know God did a great work through everyone – the volunteers, the band, the teams that set up, dave, and even myself. i love seeing god move!

that’s about all from flowerdust land. i hope you all are having a great week!

there are a couple “categories” i haven’t addressed here in a while, and some of you have emailed or myspace-messaged me asking questions, so i thought i’d put it out for all to see….

1) fat ragamuffin. my goal weight was between 140-145 (i’m 5’6″…almost) and i have stayed in that range for the last two months. i’ve been putting on some size 8’s again, which i haven’t done in four years. it feels good. i just need to tone up, and stay away from my mom’s brownies tomorrow.

2) depression. last i wrote, i dropped the wellbutrin which turned me into crazy lady, and was on paxil one single day until i quit. i’m not on any anti-depressants, but i still have some bouts with anxiety which are usually helped by upping my sleeping medicine (it’s really an anti-seizure medicine (20mg), but used in really low doses for insomnia (1mg) and anxiety (4mg)). when i get a little edgier, i just take 1.5mg and it seems to help balance me out. i’ve been feeling pretty good lately.

i don’t plan on being on medicine forever, but until i can heal from some things in my past (which i see a therapist for), it is aiding me in becoming a little more centered. i’ve had a few breakthroughs in some areas and that has been INCREDIBLE. exercise (although i haven’t officially worked out in three weeks) has been another big help in this area, i’m sure of it.

so there are some updates on the not so pretty things. it’s easy to write about the good things or the questions, but hey, we’ve all got our warts.