Anne Marie Miller

Category: Leadership

Three Things to Help Control Freaks Let Go
Control has control on me.

It’s my thorn, my biggest enemy, my closest friend.

I’ve been out of control a few times in my life…
- The many times we moved when I was growing up
- When a youth pastor sexually abused me
- When a tornado hit my house
- When a car I was driving had a bad tire and sent me spinning down a 150 foot embankment
- When a person who said he’d love me forever changed his mind
But really, aren’t we out of control all the time?

Tim and I are in Sioux Falls. Our flight leaves in three hours. We get back to Nashville (assuming there are no delays, which again, is out of our control) at 9:30 tonight.

The girl watching our new little puppy called and texted while we were at lunch. The puppy got sick – take her to the vet sick and I am a self-proclaimed puppychondriac. I want to get home. Now. But I can’t. It’s out of my control..And it’s making me anxious.

Canines aside, earlier this morning, I spoke at a university and gave students an opportunity to sponsor a child through Compassion. Will they? Will one? Will 20? If nobody does, did I just let a bunch of kids down who need help? If 20 students do, will I wonder why it wasn’t 40? Or 100? It’s out of my control…and it’s making me anxious.

And it just snowballs…what happens if I don’t sell another book? What if nobody wants Mad Church Disease when it comes out in February next year? Or when Lean on Me publishes in October, what if it flops? What if I never get asked to speak again, or what if we can’t have children or adopt or…or…or…

(Take a breath, take a breath.)

I realize I’m not the only control freak out there.

And I think there may be two types of us: Internal and external.

Internal control freaks allow the “what ifs” to avalanche inside our spirits and distract us from the present, from the hope and faith we have.

External control freaks project the anxiety on to others. If I was an external control freak, I’d be at the airport forcing the airline to put me on the next plane to Nashville and throwing a fit about it (yes, so I can go home to a puppy; I get it). I would have manipulated those students with Western guilt and twisted and turned my words so they would sponsor children.

How do we release the anxiety we have when our illusion of control is broken?

This is what I’m choosing to do today.
- Talk about it: Thankfully, Tim is on this trip with me so he’s sitting right next to me while I type this and reminding me that God loves me, he loves me, and with both situations, I’ve done the best I can do. I talked to the vet and our puppy is getting checked out. I did my best presenting Compassion, and we know that some children’s lives will be forever changed because they got sponsored.
- Reflect and Repeat: I am a super fan of the one-sentence prayers that are said over and over again. For when I’m anxious, it’s “He keeps in perfect peace whose mind stays on Him” (my rendition of Isaiah 26:3) The rest of the verse says “Because he trusts him.” I trust God. Period. He has never failed.
- What’s Possible Now? My friend Gail has a saying when something doesn’t go as planned: “What does this make possible?” So, what does being in snowy South Dakota make possible while experiencing my anxiety and facing my control issues? I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. So, I can write about them. I can share what I’m learning with you. I can ask for your prayers. You can ask for mine.
Any life interruption is rarely a pleasant thing. Especially when it involves things we deeply care about (children in need and my little puppy – clearly I care about them in different ways; Hey, I’m just being honest with you!)

Control freaks of the world, let’s all take a breath. Share your concern. Pray. Do what you can. God cares about you and what’s important to you. Let’s loosen our collective grips and be present, now, fully and with trusting hearts.

(Update: As I was typing this blog post, our dog sitter called and said our puppy was sick and was given some antibiotics, but it was nothing serious enough to put her in the hospital…you know, just in case you wanted to know :)).
December 3, 2013
Vote on my New Book Cover!

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Well, it’s not really my new book cover (that’s over here!) but early in 2014, I’ll be re-releasing a revised and expanded edition of my first book, Mad Church Disease: Healing from Ministry Burnout. It will release on its fifth birthday (happy birthday, book!) and it’s insane to think each and every week, I hear from pastors or church leaders and volunteers who are still giving this book out and sharing what it has meant to them. I’m was asked to keynote the Shelby Conference on this topic next June!

Since this book was listed out of print by the publisher and all the rights were reverted back to me, I’m so glad I get to add some content, update some more, and provide not only a book, but study guides, custom health plans, and more.

We are working on the final pieces of it, including the cover. I had a design contest at 99Designs and have narrowed it down to eight finalists. Your vote and comments will help so much. Please hop over to the voting page, cast your vote, and make sure you sign up for the email list that will notify you when Mad Church Disease is available to purchase again. (Hint, if you sign up for the list, you’re gonna get some crazy pre-sell offers and freebies exclusive only to that list!)

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November 23, 2013
The Biggest Scandal in Church History

Lately there’s been some recent scandals that have surfaced in the evangelical world. I won’t link to them, but it’s the stuff you hear about on a fairly regular basis: affairs, assumed affairs, embezzlement, frivolous spending, abuse. My Twitter feed has been bloated with links and articles on how men and women have fallen from their pulpits into sin and devastation.

This morning I read a blog post a friend of mine linked to and cringed – not because of the scandal-du-jour, but because of the assumptions and accusations made by a person who is far outside of the situation.

Recently, a public figure in the Christian world confessed to an emotional-type affair, saying (or implying) the woman he was inappropriately involved with and he did not engage in sexual acts. People have torn into his confession and resignation letter, projecting the assumptions that somehow they were sexually involved, that the man’s wife has no other choice but to endure and is probably ostracized from their community because it is one that is highly patriarchal. That this man will take some time off, but because of his authority and apparent brain-washing, will be back in power again soon. Assumptions are made about the other woman forever wearing a scarlet letter (some assumptions were made she was a virgin and unmarried, neither of which were mentioned in the statement).

I take two issues with this:

1) So many assumptions are being made in this situation and others like it. Outside of what is stated in this man’s resignation letter, we know nothing. As Christians, we are called to believe the best and to hope for the best in our brothers and sisters. I understand the temptation to dig, to find the “truth,” to stare at the car wreck, but we cannot do this. It only destroys the beauty of our own hearts as well as tarnishes another at the time when they’re most vulnerable.

2) Although one, some, any of these “scandals” may be true to its worst assumption, we cannot let ourselves ruin a gift we don’t even have the right to have: grace. Grace is the biggest scandal in church history. It is something none of us deserve; something we’re given when we’re hiding in our sin and we meet our Saviour at the well. He offers us life, love, and hope: not condemnation. What will help someone who’s fallen “Go and sin no more?” Our gossip? Our assumptions? Our self-righteousness? Or our love, our encouragement, and our prayers?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. – Paul

November 7, 2013
Can We Love Others Without Loving Ourselves?

The following is a revised excerpt from my first book, Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic. I’m in the process of updating the book and expanding it with study guides, team workbooks, coaching, and custom plans to stay healthy (emotionally, relationally, physically and spiritually). I’ll be self-publishing it in the next few months. If you’d like to be notified when it’s available for pre-order (and get some freebies), you can sign up here.

When a Code Blue is issued in a hospital, any available medical personnel run to the room of the person who’s coding. It’s a matter of life and death. Milliseconds count. Politics, personal beliefs, hang-ups, grudges, and pride are put aside as the life of a fellow human lies in their hands.

It’s an emergency.

Since the beginning of time, mankind has been facing a life-and-death emergency. We are separated from our Creator. All he wants is for us to be reconciled to him. He sent his own flesh and blood down to earth to restore us. And we?re to help guide others to that restoration.

The greatest commandments are what? To love God and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. I can’t (and don’t) question our love for God. The passion and intensity with which we go about our lives are small indicators of our love. But we are guilty of not loving ourselves.

The statistics on burnout and stress, – not only in America, but specifically in the church – don’t lie. And even if they did, I’m sure you could conclude from your own experience that, quite frankly, we’re pretty terrible at loving ourselves. I know I am.

Here’s my question to you. If we can’t love ourselves fully, can we love others wholly?

We can care for others and can want the best for them, but to love them in the godliest ways is impossible until we can obey this great commandment.

We are in the midst of a crisis that needs our full devotion of mind, body, and spirit.

In Mark 12:30, Jesus declares, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

Notice Jesus doesn’t say “love others with all your strength”; he says to “love the Lord your God.”

By loving God, we’re faithful to his commandments. When we’re obedient, God carries out his work through us. I once heard a pastor say the Holy Spirit will always accomplish his work in us, but why do we make him work so hard to do so?

Satan is out to annihilate hope and light, both in our world and in us, the body of Christ. He’s well aware of the crisis of the human race, and he will do anything and everything in his power to obliterate our efforts.

As the church, we need to take a good, hard look around and ask ourselves if we are ready to fight; to fight for our own love relationship with God through Christ, and for the world around us as well.

November 6, 2013
Why Finding a Church is Hard, Hard, Hard (Even for a Church Girl)

The only way I’d be more of a church girl is if my mom birthed me while she was teaching Sunday school. That didn’t happen, but it could have, I think. Most of my afternoons growing up were spent playing “school” in the churches where my dad preached, stealing left over communion grape juice, and getting my fill of the local gossip by reading the notes the high schoolers threw away after services.

When my dad left the ministry when I was sixteen, slowly church was no longer an obligation; it was a choice. And for five years, the choice to attend was not one I frequently made. At 21, a friend invited me to hers and after resisting time and time again, I caved. I felt a specific call on my life not to just be the church-going Christian I always was, but to pastor, to commit my life to ministry. At the age of 23, I started full time vocational church work. Going to church was now part of my job (and it wasn’t necessarily a bad part of it!)

Burnout and time, production meetings and countdown clocks, entitled members and abusive supervisors began to overcast the joy I found in ministry with a grey cloud of skepticism and bitterness. This cloud came and went; not every church I worked at was terrible. At 29 years old, I was ordained and sent out by that church to pursue God’s call on my life to pastor by writing and speaking.

So much life happened in the last four and a half years. I’ve spoken at nearly 100 churches that are not my own and I have loved each and every one of them. When Tim and I got married and lived in the Davenport area, it was surprisingly easy to engage with a small church plant. Tim knew the pastor for almost a decade. It was in the mall…by the Sears. There was no countdown clock and they gave so much money away and every week there was a prayer meeting. Other churches and ministries could use the space. People wandered in for counseling or to use a prayer room. Oh, and the coffee house next to it was a part of the umbrella ministry and you know coffee is just as important to me as doctrine.

I kid.

A little.

It was not perfect but it was home for us for those nine months we lived in the Quad Cities. Now we are in Tennessee, complete with baggage from working at churches (and honestly, a tinge of resentfulness that creeps in from time to time), and with two different backgrounds (I consider myself a Baptipresbopalian who favors long liturgy and singing prayers and an altar for weekly eucharist; Tim is a non-denominational somewhat reformed guy who is spirit-led and hates the countdown clock as much as I do). Thankfully, we both desire a church that holds the Bible as its teaching, is crazy-intentional about prayerfulness and discipleship, that doesn’t want to be the biggest, baddest church but solely seeks to be the church God is calling them to be. We appreciate diversity, financial responsibility (holy cow, are we learning so many churches are millions of dollars in debt!), serving the local community, and being known.

Clearly, I realize that sounds like a “What Makes a Church Perfect in Our Book” list but it’s truly not. We’ve been praying for months to find this church, and wow, is it tough.

We live in a world of messaging, analyzing “What does this say?” to anything we hear – church related or not. When I get handed a bulletin printed on fancy paper and as the countdown video flashes sweet images and scriptures on LED screens and I see the church is $6 million in debt, what does that say? When I google “Small church, Franklin, TN” and the top result is a church that says “Come check out our new building!”, what does that say? When a church hands me a program on simple green paper printed from a copy machine and under debt, it says “zero,” what does that say? When a church website says, “We don’t get in your face and won’t impose on your life,” what does that say? When a church lets the homeless sleep in the church, and when a homeless man died on the steps of another church just miles away, what does that say?

As an introvert, this process is particularly difficult. I see the appeal of the large churches and am drawn to that, knowing I can sneak in and out and hide and nobody has to talk to me. That’s a temptation, but one I must fight. We went to a small, 60 person church yesterday and I literally wished I brought my anxiety medicine because I knew they knew we were new and would talk to us. Tim, who’s a bit more extroverted than I am, loved that people came up and said hi and were very warm and welcoming. I hid behind him like a toddler and darted out as soon as I could.

If it’s hard for me, a girl with a very active and intimate relationship with Jesus, who is an ordained minister, a girl who speaks at churches half of the Sundays out of the year, who grew up in the church and worked in churches for almost a decade to feel anxious visiting churches, how much more do those who are far from God or far from the church feel? How does a church welcome those who are extroverted and those who are shy? I appreciate the honesty of the churches who print their finances each week, but if a non-skeptic like me sees a big debt and has concerns, what would a skeptic think?

If you’re in this boat with us, trying to find a church home – not a perfect church – but one who shares important doctrinal values and a methodology consistent with the way God has wired you, you are not alone. Tim and I pray for us, and we also pray for you as you walk this journey. There is nothing Satan would rather do than to disconnect us from other believers, discourage us, and disappoint us so that we slowly walk away from serving and loving and being encouraged and taught and teaching. Stay on the course with us. And we will continue praying (and ask for your prayers, too.)

November 4, 2013
Slaying My Gods of Blogging of Ego

Maybe it’s just vocabulary, and maybe I’ve always been “a blogger” (I did have my own AOL member page when I was sixteen, and purchased my first domain where I journaled in 1998). I officially resigned from blogging in 2010 (but kept a website for essays and poetry). Then, when I needed to work on healing the wounds from my divorce, I went dark everywhere – no Facebook, Twitter, website. All the words I wrote were in journals and scraps of paper in my car when the right word or a picture would capture me. I started writing online again this year, but not with any consistency or purpose.

This weekend, I went to the blogging conference Allume. Not because I wanted to learn about blogging, but because I had the chance to represent one of my favorite organizations, Blood:Water Mission, and in the process, catch up with a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a long, long time. The speakers were phenomenal and didn’t talk much about blogging; instead, they carved out the space around our blogs in which we find the reason and meaning: worship. Writing as a form of art and gratefulness (and therapy)…not how many stats, shares, or likes.

I was reminded over and over again that is why I started blogging.

Not because I had a book deal, or wanted one.

Not because I wanted to build a platform or find people to affirm me or debate me.

Because I love to write about what God has done and is doing in my life.

Have any of the opportunities that emerged from writing online helped me find my purpose in life or quench the red fires that burn inside my soul?

No.

And at times, I gave blogging too much weight, allowing it to define me or brand me or market me. I’ve let those numbers determine how good I feel about myself or why I do what I do.

Blogging was the god I prayed to: What should I write? What do I say to please you?

Instead, it should have been the overflow of my prayers to the One True God: Open my eyes, show me truth. May my words only voice edification, wonder, mystery, love, hope, healing, joy.

“Remember what it was like in the old days?” an old blogging friend asked. “When we wrote about the things that gave us pain and joy. When we were raw because nobody else was, and nobody else cared?”

I do remember those days and how being raw is a norm and I am so proud of and grateful for those who speak from vulnerable places and illuminate into dark corners. I ask myself why…why now? Why speak when everyone else speaks and it feels like nobody will hear?

Because it doesn’t matter who will hear. It only matters that I listen. That I obey. And that I write.

So, here is to another new season. A season where it is not “Anne Marie Miller” (or “Anne Jackson” or “FlowerDust” or whatever moniker you may have known me by at some point in the last ten years).

This is a season to write, to create, and to process here…regardless. To trust that God will move His mighty hand in whatever way He likes, as He always has, and He always will.

October 28, 2013
LINK: The Best Message I’ve Heard on Pornography

Last spring, I had the chance to hear Dr. Russell Moore speak at a college chapel and appreciated his to-the-point gracious intensity. Recently he preached at SWBTS (where both my parents attended in the 70s) and his message on pornography had a palpable effect on me.

I quoted him this week as I spoke in Michigan and pointed students here for the link to his full message, but it is so powerful I just want everyone to listen and let the weight of his words focus you on the costly and abundant grace available for us all.

This link is a summary of his talk. Don’t just read it. Listen or watch the link included in the report.

God’s peace,
Anne Marie

September 17, 2013
What Should Christians Do About Syria?

I am not a student of politics. I look at issues, I vote, I read the news. On occasion, I’ll show up to a city council meeting if it’s something I really care about (like how the homeless are treated or where bike lanes need to be), but really, that’s about it.

Living in a country that has been at war or intervening somewhere for most of my life seems…normal; I don’t know any different. Watching videos of people being affected by chemical warfare is horrific. I have a friend that works in a high level of government, so high, I don’t really know what this person actually does. I just know there are many overnight meetings at the Capitol that he or she participates in. When I ask if Hollywood portrays an over-the-top dismal version of what actually happens in DC, this person doesn’t answer. That makes me think things are complicated beyond anything you or I could ever imagine.

So, Syria.

A boy is treated after sustaining injuries in Aleppo, Syria. (TIME/Nicole Tung)

It’s been top on news pages and on news casts for weeks now. I’ve probably followed it as much as an average person follows it – mostly because I feel the need to be engaged and educated but I also feel helpless. I think a lot of us do.

What can we do in our daily routines to actually influence anything? What should we believe? Who should we believe? What is a “Christian” response? What is a “Christian” response, anyway?

I’ve been thinking on this, hearing debates from friends and reading forwarded emails with animated gifs of American flags and yellow ribbons. And I truly believe this is what we are to do.

We are to pray.

I imagine if Jesus was asked what He thought about Syria, or if we should intervene or stay out, much like he did with the yes or no questions He was asked, he wouldn’t answer yes or no. He would share a story, a parable, and point us back to a principle of the Kingdom.

Jesus teaches us to pray Your Kingdom come, Your will be done…

Paul instructs to pray for our leaders, and with thanksgiving make our requests known…

What should Christians do about Syria? We should pray.

It seems almost like it’s too small a response. Like it is the pat answer someone would give when they don’t know what to say. That humble words said over food or from our safe pillows in our safe homes in our quiet evenings would not be enough.

But I believe it’s in these quiet and gentle moments of intercession that a much larger war is being fought and we are showing up and our words may be humble but they are bold and they are mighty because of the Spirit who intercedes for us.

It is prayer.

It is how we can fight.

It is how we should respond.

And this is how we should encourage others to participate as well. It is more powerful than a diatribe on Facebook or our emails with pictures of eagles.

Pray. Encourage others to pray. Seek humility. Fast from something. And pray even more.

September 16, 2013
Feeling Stuck? Two Things to Help You Give it All (or Give it Something)
I was fairly certain I would never date again, let alone be married again.

When you find yourself wrapped up in a crisis of an unexpected divorce that takes you from being with one person for almost a decade to being alone and it happens so fast you’re a balloon that has been slowly punctured with a needle so you don’t pop, but instead the air and life leak out of you until you’re limp, well, it kind of messes with you.

Once the initial shock wore off, when sleeping alone became normal and I stopped making dumb choices that only reinforced loneliness as a curse instead of accepting it as a gift, I realized I was quite happy being single.

I lived in west Michigan a mile from the lake and spent the summer on the beach or visiting friends or in Africa, and when I returned, I got an email from a Christian dating site asking me to visit and check out the new matches they had for me. Surely I’d find someone. Surely it was God’s plan. God’s timing.

I laughed.

I laughed but I clicked.

And I saw a picture of a guy on a mission trip who loves telling stories about what God’s doing in the world, and loves serving the local church and the big church. And I sent him a message and blamed the jet lag for falling into the dating site’s trap.

But a little over a year ago, he asked me on a date, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend, and the he asked me to marry him [< video], and six months later, we got married.

The girl who was fine without a guy, who was happy being single and hopping on planes whenever she wanted to wherever she wanted, was secretly afraid to be hurt again with a pain so dark she was certain she could not survive.

But she said yes to the first date, she said yes to being his girlfriend, she said yes to his proposal and she said yes to being his wife.

Tim and me in the Philippines this June, doing a video update on our mission work there.

People sometimes look surprised when they realize Tim and I have only known each other for a little over a year and we’ve been married for half that time. And marriage is not some thing to enter into lightly. We both come from marriages that broke like glass and did not reflect Christ like a mirror and we know that’s what a marriage should do. When Tim approached me even before that first date, it was with the sole intent on getting to know each other so that we could commit our relationship to serving God.

Even with our weaknesses and in the places we need to grow, and with the things we have to learn and the new things we get to experience, I continue coming back to two things that I think not only apply to marriage, but apply to everything we face in life where we feel like the resistance is too much to push through.
1. It’s about being holy: It’s not about us. It is now about how I feel, or how Tim feels. It is about my decisions and asking myself if those decisions bring glory to God or don’t. There are many other things like dates and flowers and friends and dinners and holding hands on a walk, but this covenant is about how we reflect Christ to each other and to the world. And when you’re in the throes of it, in the mundane and the dirty dishes and the taking for granted and the heat of raised voices, sometimes it is so difficult to remember that. It’s is wonderful and is not easy. Marriage is hard and I tell my engaged friend this; but it is the hard things that make us holy. The same holds true for anything. It’s not about you. It’s about being holy.
2. It’s about taking a chance: I know there are people who are on the verge of commitment but fear (sometimes a just fear) keeps them from pursuing or being pursued. I think I was one of them. The old saying of “you’re never ready” generally applies to marriage, to having kids (I imagine), or to taking that big leap – whether it’s marriage or a new job or something else. It has been said a million times by a million people but the things we fear the most are usually the things we’re meant to do. In regard to relationships, one friend comes to mind. Tim and I met him over pancakes on a rainy day and he told us how he thinks he likes a girl, and he loves her kids, but was he ready to not just become a husband but a father? Tim said some things about just making a decision, whatever that next step was, anything to not stay in limbo. And our friend listened. He committed to her, proposed a couple months later and they’re getting married next summer.I think of friends who have quit jobs or taken a shot at their dreams, who have done “crazy” things like give up health insurance and took a million part time jobs so they could do that one thing that makes them come alive.
Everyone says it’s terrifying. Everyone says it’s worth it.

What is that thing for you? That desire that won’t go away, that longing that is glued to you like your shadow? And what is that thing that’s keeping you from diving into it, giving it all (or at least, giving it something)?
September 11, 2013