Anne Marie Miller

Category: Church

  • who dropped the soap?

    when my friend was on a mission trip in his high school years, the group of guys he was with had the luxury of a communal shower. i believe most high school boys would find this an awkward situation, trying to keep their insecurities hidden by staring very intently at the tile wall in front of them.

    the rule of the communal shower was “eyes, straight ahead.” during the course of one of his showers, he heard a noise – a thud. looking down toward his feet, he noticed a bar of soap slide on the floor, right behind his legs. within seconds, a hand – only from the wrist up – grabbed the escaped bar. as quickly as the soap had appeared, it had disappeared.

    it doesn’t take a genius to figure out whoever this alleged soap-dropping-person was had to come into pretty close contact with my friend’s then sudsy derriere. now, he was faced with a life-altering decision.

    does he turn around and identify this brave (yet clumsy) person? or does he choose the safe route, eyes unmoving from the innocent tile wall?

    he chose the wall.

    yesterday while in kansas, i had a woman come up to me and introduce herself. she attends my old church and has been reading my blog. she was awesome and she thanked me for being transparent through this avenue of blogging.

    i have to admit, this computer screen in some ways is like the wall at which my friend chose to stare. i am honored that you drop by in some way or another and read these mostly muddled thoughts i toss out into cyberland. but truth be told, it’s a LOT easier typing these things than it is physically talking about them with someone.

    i got to spend some time today sharing about my struggles with stress and anxiety – things i have easily blogged about before (feel free to read through the “depression” category)…however, looking someone in the eye and saying, “yeah, this is where i really get hit” didn’t come out quite as elegant, witty, or as anonymous.

    honestly, i think i was surprised about how uncomfortable it was talking about these issues in person with a small group of friends as compared to writing it for however many random strangers to read. and as therapeutic as blogging these things has been, and as much as other people have shared the “me too” connection through those posts, there is definitely a huge difference in the amount of difficulty sharing such messy things to real, live-in-front-of-you people as opposed to typing them out for the whole world to see.

    all of this rambling to state the obvious: i don’t think blogging or an online community can take the place of real life interaction and sharing. can it compliment it? absolutely. i will talk until i’m blue in the face about the amazing things that can take place online.

    but looking someone in the eye after they’ve been up and in your ugly parts is a completely different – and now i realize very essential – dimension.

  • chicken salad and the dark underbelly

    at lunch today, i was sitting alone at an awkwardly placed table inside an overland park, kansas panera. thinking the free wifi and yummy chicken salad (which is not so readily available in dallas) would be two wonderful lunch-time companions, i plugged in my dad’s laptop (i am laptopless at the moment) and got to email checking and book-writing things.

    in my inbox, i have about 58 stories of ministry hurt people have chosen to share with me. i feel so humbled and grateful they are willing to open up such painful wounds. and if you are one of those people, i beg your patience…responding has been more difficult than i ever imagined.

    after nibbling a while on my fruit, emailing a couple friends, and starting to chow down on the chicken salad, i felt particularly moved to read a specific email i had recently received. i read it once. twice. googled a few things. and read it a third time.

    by the third time through, i could barely manage to swallow the bite that was in my mouth. not only was my heart breaking for the person and the journey he had been on, my stomach was twisted in a big knot because of what had happened within the leadership of this particular staff.

    i have been a part of staff where a large moral failure has occured. twice. it is not pretty. however, i think we are often blinded to the fact that stuff like this happens all the time without going noticed. pastors who preach from the stage wisdom and purity are doing things i don’t feel comfortable writing about. and if you’ve been here a while, you know i’ll pretty much talk about anything.

    my sin is no more or less pretty than the next guy. there are dark recesses in my mind, and in my heart. but as a christian and in leadership at a church, i know these places are there and i do my darndest to not dwell on them, to talk about them with my close friends. i certainly don’t play in the muck and call it fun.

    more and more as i read these stories, i realize how many church leaders do think it’s all fun and games what they do behind closed doors. they become pastors because they want a power trip and abuse the freedom they have in their lives and in their churches. they bring other leaders down with them to those places.

    they aren’t the ones taking the mad church disease surveys (or if they are, they aren’t being honest), but it is their coworkers who see it what is happening, or experience it directly then either leave because of it or stay and don’t say anything because of the ramifications of accountability.

    there is a very dark underbelly to many churches – churches you know of and read about and probably even comment on the staff blogs – that are going through the motions while living in deep, real sin.

    i shouldn’t be surprised, but today i literally felt ill about this. it is unspeakably sad, and the truth always comes to the light, so i feel badly for the congregations who will one day discover things they could never imagine happening within their church walls.

    please pray for me as i continue to read these stories, especially the hard ones like this. please pray for the people who know things they wish they didn’t, and who are doing things they shouldn’t be doing.

    i realized today more than ever that whatever mad church disease turns ends up being, it cannot simply be a trendy book with good principles and advice. there is so much more going on, and i pray that we have the courage to bring about change to the war which is happening literally each and every day.

  • anything with peppermint is good

    especially books written by my friend eric bryant. i’ve known eric for the last few years – back in the xanga days of 2004 even – but have never met him in person.

    anyway, this summer he released a phenomenal book titled, “peppermint-filled pinatas: breaking through tolerance and embracing love“ which if you have ever stepped one foot in mosaic LA, where he serves as a navigator, you are immediately embraced by such a sense of acceptance and love. then you get to know more and more people there, and see what they’re doing in the community, and in mexico, and in the world and you know this isn’t just some attempt to write a book – eric is living this.

    fortunately, they are shipping eric all the way down to the lone star state on monday (as well as some other places) and i will be taking off as soon as i can from my little third-floor office to trek to fort worth to finally meet eric. check out the dates below and if he’s going to be near you (fort worth’s a couple hours away with traffic so no excuses! if i can drive a little, so can you), go meet him, support him, and bring him some chocolate chip cookies.

    i don’t even know if he likes them, but it’d be a nice gesture. and if he didn’t, you could always eat them instead.

    July 20 – Alburquerque, NM – City on a Hill Church – 7pm Discussion and Book Signing | http://CityOnAHillabq.org/

    July 22 – Houston, TX – Ecclesia Church, 10:30am and 5:30pm – www.EcclesiaHouston.org

    July 23 – Fort Worth, TX – Barnes & Noble Bookstore Discussion and Book Signing at 7pm (1612 S. University Dr. #401, Fort Worth, TX 76107)

    July 25 – Waco, TX – Mardel’s Bookstore Discussion & Signing at 4pm (4324 West Waco Drive, Waco, TX 76710 PH: 254-399-9237)

    July 26 – Austin, TX – Mosaic Austin, 7:30pm Discussion and Book Signing + Music from Rob Lowe of Balmorhea | http://www.MosaicAustin.org/

    July 28 – San Antonio, TX – Wayside Chapel, 6pm | http://WaysideChapel.org/

    July 29 – San Antonio, TX – Wayside Chapel, 9:15am and 11am | http://WaysideChapel.org/

    July 31 – Phoenix, AZ – North Phoenix Baptist Church (event details & registration here)

    August 2 – Cleveland, OH – Cuyahoga Valley Church, 7-8:30pm | www.CuyahogaValleyChurch.com | event sponsored by Church of the Hills

  • i like michael moore (part 2)

    i hope you don’t mind, but i am using some of the comments from the “i like michael moore” post to make some parallels on this one. it is not my intent to misuse these quoted words, but to discover how michael moore and the church are similar.

    Bobby says:

    I think the question for Michael Moore is the real, underlying motivation for his passion. What change is he trying to initiate? What is he trying to accomplish?

    Michael says:

    like many pharisees or unbelievers, he brings an element of truth to what he says but you have to get through the propaganda to hear it. we just need to be wise in what we let in and wise in not disregarding what we don?t like.

    good subject even though he distorts the truth for his causes.

    Tony says:

    I do have a tough time w/ the spin he puts on things. But, it?s politics, everyone spins – there?s no ?truth?.

    And Leslie says:

    dare I say that the American church has it?s own bit of propaganda and agenda in the public arena, too. But don?t take my word for it?I?m just a little jaded.

    Leslie pretty much asks my next question. Yes, Michael Moore is biased, he spins the truth, embellishes, exaggerates and takes things out of context.

    How often does the Church do the same thing? One of my favorite people wrote about Cheap Grace…I have seen my share of churhes preach that. And there are so many things that are easy for churches to sell but I think we all can agree the Bible is full of things that go against human nature, what comes naturally:

    In order to live, we must die?
    In order to be great, we must be least?
    The meek will inherit the earth?
    We must seek sorrow without despair?
    We must love our enemies?

    I am not being a killjoy. Through those things we learn joy. We find joy – A joy that is beyond our human nature. And I am not opposed to happy pastors and authors, but there are far too many of those pretty white teeth on our bookshelves. We are not fulfilling our purpose and calling by only telling one side of the story. In fact, I think as Michael Moore does a disservice to those who buy into his philosophies, we often do a disservice to everyone – Christ followers, or not – by not presenting all of the truth, or taking it out of context in order to meet everyone’s “felt needs.”

    Some notes I had earlier written on Colson’s book, Being the Body:

    Since when is the gospel of christ comfortable? Since when is confronting sin comfortable? Grace is all encompassing and forgiveness covers all sin, as well as the fact we serve and worship a loving God, but the truth is God cannot stand to look at us if it weren?t for the cross.

    Has the Church put a spin on these essential truths because we’re afraid we’ll scare people away?

  • i like michael moore (part 1)

    before the political comments start, let me go ahead and thwart them by saying i don’t necessarily agree with mikey’s views on a lot of things. i did see sicko, i did enjoy it, and actually do agree with most of which he conveys in that documentary.

    anyway, i am not here to argue healthcare. i am here to restate my title: i like michael moore.

    why do i like him?

    because he is passionate. he is persistent. and he is intolerant. he stands up for what he believes in and doesn’t let people with other opinions stop him from pursuing change. yes, he lacks tact and grace, but we all have our flaws.

    i think the church could learn from michael moore. too often, we sit back. we are passive. we give up. we tolerantly accept culture and in extreme cases, bow to it. we talk about the things we believe in, but we don’t act on it enough. oh, and often, we lack tact and grace. (i know i do).

    people with unwavering passion challenge my contentedness. they move me to action. they stir my spirit. people like michael moore make me realize that i have been inactive for far too long.

  • you’ve been prayed for

    if you’re reading this, you’ve been prayed for.

    granted, i don’t know everyone who reads this blog by name. those of you i do, i’ve prayed for you. those of you i don’t, i’ve prayed for you, too.

    every once in a while i have a really hard time sleeping so for the last hour or so, i really felt like i should lift you up in prayer.

    some of you i know are going through really tough times – health stuff, church staff stuff, upcoming mission trips, already on mission trips, family problems, depression problems, money problems, loneliness, work stress, transitions in life, your kids, your friends…those are just a few specific things that have been lifted up.

    insomnia’s not always a bad thing i guess. i hope you all have a splendid tuesday.

  • immeasurable

    Main Entry: Summer
    Part of Speech: Noun
    Definition: Season
    Synonyms: Watermelon. Cookouts. Camps. Fireworks. Plummeting Offerings. Low Attendance.
    Source: American Church Innovative? Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.0)

    Growing up a PK, I remember my dad “saving up” for the summer months, knowing we’d have 1/2 to 2/3 of our normal attendance, and even a smaller percentage of those people giving. Bills still had to be paid. He still had to be paid. We still had to eat.

    Fast forward to now. Four years in full time church-staff ministry. Like clockwork, attendance declines. Budgets are put on spending Red Alerts. And every year we try to develop a solution to break out of the logical and predictible facts of church life.

    Last night, I had some time to drive around one of my favorite parts of Dallas while waiting to pick up a friend from the airport. The houses, artistically designed, beautifully landscaped. My old Pontiac, sandwiched by two new Mercedes as we crawled down the narrow but heavily traveled Mockingbird Lane at 20 mph.

    I saw two ladies crossing the street, deeply involved in conversation. Did they go to church anywhere? Did they miss the music and the message on Sunday? Maybe they were the church, wearing work out clothes with messy hair. They were sharing life with each other, it was obvious.

    A million different scenarios played out in my mind as I watched them while I was stopped at a red light. They could be the church right now. But they aren’t ending up on any attendance record.

    I’m sure like many other churches out there, weekly – maybe monthly – those of you who are on staff get to hear the “numbers”…This year…Last year…What was the weather like? How come more people aren’t coming? Oh, holiday weekend. Or maybe everyone was on the lake.

    7:30 pm rolls around, and I pick up my friend from the airport. We head out and meet up with my friend Andrew. We go into a local tattoo parlor, where she gets her nose pierced. We hang out with a big tattoo artist named Dutch and laugh with him as he’s made another tattoo artist scream in pain (evidently on purpose) while getting some coloring done. Then we go across the street to a greasy-but-so-delicious sports bar for some late night fat intake. We talk about roommates, Kansas, New York, Texas, corn allergies.

    We were the church, but unless Snuffer’s takes a secret count for the different churches we attend, we didn’t end up on any attendance sheet.

    I realize this has become quite a lengthy post, and that I am constantly breaking my own blogging rules of brevity. But this time, I do it unapologetically so.

    As the events of last night blurred together when I feel asleep (far later than I should have) and as I reflect on them collectively now, I realize that although not a bad thing, measuring weekly church attendance isn’t really a fair representation of truth.

    You can measure how many people breeze in and out of your doors at specfic times on the weekend. You can count up the tear-off cards and find out how many of them are “first time visitors” to your church. And sure, maybe it will help you see if you are being “successful” numerically.

    But how can you really define that term “success?” When really what is more important than how many seats you have filled up on Sunday is what is going on OUTSIDE of your doors on a rainy Thursday night, much like last night.

    Where is your church then? Working late? Fighting? Loving? Serving? Being Christ to the World?

    Keeping track of your numbers on the weekend is a great tool for measuring. I guess I’m just not quite sure what we’re measuring.

  • a new chapter

    i was looking back through my old leadership summit notes from two years ago and came across something i had written about my “holy discontent.” it was shortly after day one of the leadership summit in august of 2005. reading this now, knowing that the last two years have been full of healing, learning, getting my butt kicked (deservedly so), tons and tons and tons of grace, second chances, and small but difficult attempts at obedience…it is really cool to see how god has taken something that has been on my heart for most of my life, reignited my passion for it, and is now allowing me the opportunity to move forward with it.

    feeling completely unworthy, yet inexplicably grateful.

    August 11, 2005

    Asking myself…

    What is it that stirs a holy discontent in me?

    In each of us something stirs our hearts and souls – a holy discontent. When something just isn’t right and it begins to drive us to some sort of impassioned craziness if we don’t do something about it. Many times we try and shut it off or run from it, but we should be feeding it. If it breaks our hearts, it must be breaking God’s as well – so he’ll look all across the earth to find us and choose us to be his tool to bring healing to whatever that discontent is in.

    Biblical reference – Moses seeing his people being beaten, then fighting each other. (Exodus 2) – God calling him to lead them out (Exodus 3)

    At lunch, our pastor asked the people at our table, about 5 of us, what our holy discontent is. For once I knew exactly my answer (that never happens.)

    Honestly at first I hesitated saying it. I don’t know why. I thought if I gave some canned answer I would “typically” give about equipping artists or engaging them in community (which I do feel strongly about)…I could just medicate it…one more time. But I couldn’t. I had to say it. And I am so glad I did.

    My Holy Discontent is seeing broken and struggling churches, seeing those churches not getting help they need, and instead being beaten by the progressive and overextended church culture pressures that surround them. I see and weep for the effect that it has on church pastors and leaders and their families…knowing also the impact this has on the community around it – the people who are searching…..

    I love my job. I love doing communications stuff. But that doesn’t keep me up at night. That doesn’t brew around in my head at 3am. THIS DOES.

    I realized how much of this is tied to my past. In my comment at lunch, I said that this stirring was a new thing, within the last month – but as I reflect, it has been there for years. At a meeting, I saw members of my dad’s church attacking him and another one of our pastors. It burned a hole so deep inside and so quickly…After leaving, I climbed on the fire escape in the back of the building and wrote a letter to God that I still have today – pouring out my questions and asking for understanding of why we are so flawed – why so unjust to those who we are tied together with – bound and yoked to – as the body of Christ.

    I never went back to that church. The next week, my dad and the other pastor resigned. Every time I would try to go to church, as soon as I saw the way they treated the leaders, or the way the leaders would lie or misuse trust, I would run.

    I couldn’t stand the way that my heart was breaking. After having my heart broken one last time by a youth pastor I looked up to so much – I said forget it, and didn’t go back to church for almost 6 years.

    Now this pain I’ve been feeling – this, “Dark Night of the Soul” as my friend James put it once, and Hybels reiterated today – I know what it is.

    I have no idea what to do about it.

    I want to help these pastors, these churches – but who am I? A 25 year old girl with too many emotions, weaknesses, frailties…trying to understand and enter the world of a 45 year old man?

    I have no idea what to do.

    I just know I must.

    The adventure began 18 years ago when I hid in a closet so I could spy on my dad’s deacon’s meetings. But tomorrow, we enter into a whole new chapter. Thank you for your prayers & your support. I can’t wait!

  • something very cool…

    some of my favorite people over at lifechurch.tv announced an amazing thing today!

    one of the greatest things i love about lifechurch.tv is their vision for the global church, not only the local church. they see far beyond the walls of their campuses and out into the borderless world wide web, already with things like their internet campus (which i’ve attended three out of the last five weeks) and their island in second life.

    well, their latest endeavour is called YouVersion.com. briefly…

    YouVersion is a revolutionary online Bible that enables community and collaboration like never before. Choose from various translations and read Scripture in a fresh, new way. Take personal study notes, and discover and contribute audio, video, text and images. With YouVersion, you will find communities of people exploring and interacting with God’s Word.

    You can read more about YouVersion on Bobby’s post today on the Swerve blog.

    usually, I am really cynical when churches try “new” stuff – because 9 times out of 10, it isn’t new- it’s just rebranded or redesigned. YouVersion is completely revolutionary and I can’t wait until the full site launches!