Anne Marie Miller

Blog

  • Pleasure to Meet You!

    A few times a month, I get the opportunity to go somewhere and share something I’m learning. Here are a few places I’ll be, and if you’re around any of them, I hope we can have the pleasure of meeting.

    March 20-21, 2010
    St. Mark’s Church
    Burlington, NC & Mebane, NC
    Saturday & Sunday Services
    Saturday 6pm
    Sunday 9am & 11 am
    (*Mebane Campus via Satellite – Sunday 10:30am – I will only be at the campus digitally!)

    —

    March 22, 2010 – WORLD WATER DAY!
    Blood:Water Mission Water Walk with Jars of Clay
    6 pm – 7 pm
    Symphony Center Plaza/4th Ave
    (*Not a speaking engagement, but I’ll be here! Come on out!)
    Don’t live in Nashville? Have your own Water Walk!

    —

    April 21-23, 2010
    Catalyst West Coast
    Mariners Church
    Irvine, CA
    Lab on 4/21
    Hosting Catalyst Backstage (Online!) 4/22 & 4/23

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    So…what say you? Will we meet?

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  • I Thought It Was Love, But I May Have Been Wrong

    I thought it was love, but I may have been wrong.

    It started out like any romance.

    Hopeful.

    Idyllic.

    A thrill of newness.

    Feeling like I had something to prove.

    —

    I’ve been working out on a fairly consistent basis since November 17th. In addition to my indoor cycling workouts during a very cold, very damp, very grey winter, when I’m not traveling, I’ve been training twice a week at Franklin’s own Chadwick’s Fitness.

    To provide some context, when I was in school (anytime between elementary school and graduation), I was extremely athletic. I could out-sprint just about anyone, guy or girl. In junior high and high school I played basketball ALL the time — in school, in summer leagues, in church leagues, in my driveway.

    Sometimes, my friend Julie and I would go up to a local college and flirt with play ball with some of the college guys. I exaggerate not when I say they were actually impressed by how good we were. Julie reads my blog. She can vouch for that.

    I loved to run in high school. It was a great way to rid myself of anger and frustration. My favorite route was about a mile. I’d take off from behind our house and sprint as fast as I could seven blocks to the closest elementary school and turn around and sprint back. It was a fierce kind of run, but tremendously cathartic.

    After I graduated, I still would run when time would allow.

    —

    Seven years ago I started having heart problems. I would try and exercise, but try as I would, I couldn’t get past half a mile without my chest exploding in pain. I didn’t really want to die, so…I stopped.

    For those who are new here, after six years of trying to get my heart condition diagnosed, I finally found a spectacular doctor in Nashville at St. Thomas Heart who found the problem and a month later, fixed it. I had a condition called AV Nodal Reentrant Superventricular Tachycardia (or SVT for short). For you who are click-averse, that means my heart had two more electrical pathways than a normal heart (you have two, I had four) and during times of exertion (or after too much caffeine even) my heart rate would escalate from a normal resting rhythm (60-100 bpm, mine is typically 80-85) to 220 or 240 bpm.

    Your body doesn’t get oxygen distributed properly when your heart beats like that.

    Anyway, I had surgery to fix it, it was successful, and I began exercising on my own. However, I lacked the same love for running that I had formed in my earlier years. I joined a gym, and found a trainer who pushes me to no end. I’ve been riding my bike to train for Ride:Well, and just trying to make up for six lost years of lost cardio.

    —

    I have a lot of friends who are exercise junkies. People who do things like triathlons and marathons for fun. I even met a guy a few weeks ago who did this ultramarathon thing. He and a friend ran 26-28 miles a day for three days, took one day off, and then would repeat it until they made their way from Mexico to Canada or something.

    REPEATING: THEY DO THIS FOR FUN.

    When I began exercising, I thought surely I would fall back in love with it. I remember how, when I was in high school, my feet would hit the pavement so hard when I was upset and how good I felt with the air moving through my lungs with each deep breath.

    I thought that love would come back.

    But it hasn’t.

    It’s not that I dislike exercise. I know it’s good for me. I know that even though I still haven’t lost much weight (two pounds in five months!) I am stronger and leaner than I ever have been. I know my heart and lungs are healthier. I know that there isn’t much I couldn’t accomplish physically.

    And all those things are great.

    But I still don’t love it.

    —

    I believe this may be one of those defining moments in life where I look at a situation and say, “Yeah, this isn’t the most emotionally wonderful thing in the world for me, but it’s what I need to do.”

    This may be a place where true discipline falls into play. I know every Tuesday and Thursday that I’m in town, I’m in the gym for at least an hour, about to throw up and gasping for air, and Brandon doesn’t let me stop. When I’m home during the week, I’m getting out and running up the hill by my house, or taking my bike out and not stopping when it’s “just enough” but truly pushing through that extra bit because it’s what I need to do.

    There are so many areas in my life outside of physical fitness that this story could plug and play.

    My relational life? Absolutely. I’d rather be a recluse, so to reach out and place myself in social situations is difficult for me sometimes.

    Emotionally? We’ll save that for another blog post, but let’s just say it’s hard to ask for help when you face the same demons over and over again.

    Spiritually? Paul eloquently describes that struggle in Romans 7.

    —

    I know one thing’s for certain – all of us have our broken pieces. The things we really want to do, and we really want to love, but we just can’t seem to get there. I’m not sure what yours might be, but I want you to know you’re not alone in it.

    It’s a fight. A big, fat, hairy fight. And it will be ’til the end.

    But that’s where relationships come in. And things like trust, and encouragement.

    Brandon, my trainer, has heard my fair share of complaining. He has witnessed my stubbornness and has seen me lower the weights on a machine so it’s easier on me.

    And he’s not one to let me get away with it. He adds the weight back on and keeps telling me to push.

    “I said 12? I meant 15! Three more! Why? Because I know you can.”

    The thing is…he’s always right.

    Is your motivation gone?

    You just can’t find that place inside yourself to continue on?

    Push through it.

    Why?

    Because I know you can.

    I know we can.

  • Instead Of…

    Since returning from Haiti, I’ve been oddly more introspective than normal.

    Which is, again, odd, because I’m typically pretty darn introspective.

    I’ve been analyzing the temptations and opportunities that cross my way, both subtle and bold.

    Topics I could write about…or not.

    Relationships I could develop…or not.

    Ways I could respond to people…or not.

    Things I could dwell on in my mind…or not.

    Two immediate “temptations” (if you call them that) I face regularly are to be sensational and to be trendy.

    Why?

    Sensational and trendy usually brings in attention and response.

    Attention and response makes me feel important and valued (yes, we just talked about this…)

    Sensational and trendy makes me appear “relevant” and “edgy.”

    It makes me popular.

    But sensationalism and trendiness also is an inch deep and lasts for a split second.

    It typically has no legit, long-lasting worth.

    So I’ve decided to make a list of characteristics I want to strive for – just for me – in how I want to live out this life I have.

    Sacred instead of sensational.

    Timeless instead of trendy.

    Prophetic instead of popular.

    Generous instead of entitled.

    Meek instead of aggressive.

    Quiet instead of attention-seeking.

    Humbly prayerful instead of demanding.

    Patient instead of prideful.

    Inviting instead of isolating.

    Understanding instead of judgmental.

    This list is in no way complete; rather…it’s just a sketch of traits I need to develop and cultivate in my life. These are areas where I am weak and tempted and need strength and support.

    What are some of your “instead of” statements?

  • What’s Missing from Today’s Books?

    On Saturday, Michael Hyatt, my friend and CEO of Thomas Nelson (who is printing Permission to Speak Freely) tweeted the ECPA’s 50 Bestsellers List for March 2010.

    I noticed a few interesting things in the list:

    • Even though this list is for March 2010 faith-based bestsellers, only 21 of the 50 had been published in the last twelve months.
    • The average price point for the books published in the last twelve months was considerably higher ($19.64) than the older books on the list ($15.39).

    This made me think two things:

    • Some books will live long. These books typically have strong writing, meet a universal “felt need,” or the author has a loyal following (a celebrity, a pastor of a large church, etc.). These books will continue to spread in both breadth (how many people read them) and depth (more people developing loyalty to that author).
    • The recession is not to blame for declining book sales. Large groups of people are willing to pay more money for good content.

    It also made me ask the question, “Why aren’t there more recently published books on the list? What does the market want that current authors and publishers aren’t providing?”

    I did a survey on my blog last summer, and a majority of you read fifty books or more a year, so it’s safe to say you are “the market.”

    Would you indulge me a bit and share what content in books adds value?

    What disappoints you?

    What determines if you purchase a book – Word of mouth? Previous work? Random chance?

    Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts. They will help shape me as an author and I can assure you there are people in the publishing industry who eagerly await your response too.

  • You Knew What You Had to Do

    The Journey

    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do,     and began
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice –
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    “Mend my life!”
    each voice cried.
    But you didn’t stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations –
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice,
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do –
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

    *(Mary Oliver – Dream Work)

  • A Candid Interview on Addiction, Confession & Transparency

    A few weeks ago, I was invited to be the guest on the Samson Society podcast with Nate Larkin & David Mullen.

    We talked about everything from cycling across the country, to life as a former preacher’s kid, to women and porn addiction (as well as drug and alcohol abuse), confession, and living a transparent life.

    Most interviews I’ve done in the past don’t dig this deep – an uncomfortable deep – but Nate and David did a fabulous job asking questions and responding with truth and grace.

    You can stream or download the interview here.

  • I’d Rather Have Fewer Readers

    I have been working on writing this post for a few days now, and somehow (probably due to late-night blogging) it accidentally was published yesterday. I took it down about an hour after it went up, because it wasn’t ready yet…but a surprising number of people responded in that short time frame.

    I decided to re-post it after editing it a little bit more. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused!

    —–

    Some people have termed FlowerDust.net an ?uber? blog.

    I don?t exactly know what that means.

    If it means it?s been around for five years, and has a good number of visitors, then yes, I suppose you can call it that.

    Over the last two years, it?s been interesting to see how my blog traffic has changed with the seasons.

    If I ask questions about sexuality, or talk about controversial church issues, my stats light up.

    If I talk about what the Bible says about taking care of the poor, or share stories from trips I?ve taken (Haiti, India, Uganda ? soon to be Moldova and Russia), my stats tank.

    Here?s an example of pre-Haiti trip stats and post-Haiti trip stats.

    At first, this made me really sad.

    And then the sadness turned into a weird kind of angryness. (Angriness? Angry-ness? Is that even a word?)

    Anyway, I don’t really ever get angry.

    So that was strange for me.

    With the assumption this blog has also been categorized as a “church” blog (whatever that means) why do the posts that should be resonating with us the deepest get a third of the traffic?

    Angry feelings.

    More angry feelings.

    Deep breath.

    Deep breath.

    Then I realized something.

    I would much rather have a small group of people who really, really cared than a large group of people who just showed up to just show up.

    I don?t want to be a ?church? blog, in the sense that we talk about the stupid stuff that nobody agrees on. That?s not what this blog is designed to be.

    I want to be a ?church? blog in the sense that we?re a community that cares for those overlooked.

    You know?like?how the church is supposed to be.

    If that means my stats suck and the ?uber? blogstar label gets removed, so be it.

    I?d choose a hundred readers with big hearts and the action to back it up any day of the week over a million readers who change the channel when it gets uncomfortable to watch.

  • Book Alert: Picking Dandelions

    Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies and Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love became runaway best sellers in the emerging category of memoirs.? Readers were drawn like magnets to Lamott’s faith journey, set amongst her left-wing family in California and they were equally smitten with Gilbert’s personal growth as she explored Italy, India and Indonesia.

    Meet Sarah Cunningham.

    Sarah is the author of Picking Dandelions: A Search for Eden Among Life’s Weeds (Zondervan 2010).

    On one hand, Sarah is quite different than Lamott and Gilbert. She grew up in the cornfields of Michigan. Her parents were Southern Baptists. They voted Republican. She’s been married to one man, a college sweetheart, for seven years.

    In spite of those differences, there are some things in Lamott and Gilbert that you’ll find in Sarah too.

    Honesty.
    Humor.
    Quirkiness.
    Guts to explore and laugh at life’s dysfunctions.

    Sarah Cunningham’s new memoir, Picking Dandelions: A Search for Eden Among Life’s Weeds, uses some of the same approach to delve into the quirkiness and humor on the other side of the religious and political spectrum.

    Take how Sarah journaled her prideful thoughts for a week straight…something she reports backfired because people don’t make 4,000 page journals. Or the heart to heart talk she has with God in which she cites Drew Barrymore’s career while praying (as if God is impressed by an occasional pop culture reference, she says). Or her story that ends with this line: “Jesus wouldn’t charge people to pee.”

    In the end, Sarah’s loose collection of stories accomplishes something insightful too. A subtle theme hangs in the background suggesting that humans, especially those on a quest for God, cannot afford the luxury of unchanged living.

    It’s sort of refreshing that Sarah, raised in the right wing, can weave elements of faith into a spiritual memoir too because it suggests that there are valid, messy spiritual discoveries for all of us, no matter what corner of the earth or political landscape we grow up on.

    Intrigued? Learn more about Picking Dandelions: A Search for Eden Among Life’s Weeds.

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    What’s a memoir that’s impacted you?

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    Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a ?sponsored post.? The company or identity who sponsored it compensated me via a cash payment, gift, or something else of value to write it. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission?s 16 CFR, Part 255: ?Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.?

  • Unfinishedness

    People who know me well would call me a little bit compulsive.

    I take that as a compliment.

    I know everybody has their quirks, and one of mine just happens to be finishing things. I love making lists. I love marking things off lists. I’ll even put something on a list that I’ve completed just so I can mark it off. I can’t stand for the shower curtain to be open, the front door to be unlocked, or things to be crooked.

    Things must be finished.

    There is a Point A.

    There is a Point B.

    When life gets stuck between the two, I go a little bit crazy.

    Most of you probably read my first blog post about Haiti. You read my Point A.

    You read some of the in between.

    But even though I’ve been home for two weeks, I haven’t landed at Point B.

    I haven’t been able to sign off on the bottom of my trip and file it away in my “Life Experience” folder.

    It unfinished, and it’s driving me crazy.

    There are so many emotions to sort through, and some of them aren’t pretty.? There are emotions I don’t want to write about publicly on a blog because I don’t want to seem like a jackass…or vulnerable.

    …Like the anger I’m feeling toward the lack of relief happening on the ground.

    …The pride (fueled by frustration) I feel when I talk to someone who’s already moved on and forgotten about it since they wrote a check a month ago.

    …I fight back tears wondering how my friend Jean is, with his newborn baby and family of nine. Did they find adequate shelter before it rained? Are they safe?

    …I feel guilty knowing how much my cat’s food costs and how that could feed a family for a week in Haiti.

    …I feel confused because I wonder how the Haitians can have so much strength, hope and determination when they have been ignored for so long, and are still being ignored by most. Why do I get pissed just because my prescription medicine isn’t ready when they said it would be?

    I’ve done everything I can to complete my “process.” I’ve gone for long drives with good music. I’ve taken naps (I promise — sleep helps me process!). I’ve exercised. I’ve stared out my window in my living room at the big trees in my backyard. I’ve prayed. I’ve read. I’ve talked to friends. I’ve talked to strangers.

    And yet I remain stuck, somewhere between my heart and my head and Haiti.

    This experience, for me, is unfinished.

    That is the only conclusion I can make after two weeks of trying to figure it all out. As I spoke to my friend today about this predicament, I can’t help but wonder if it’s supposed to be unfinished.

    Maybe Haiti isn’t an experience I can file away like I have other trips. Maybe the stories don’t just become stories I share about in a book or on a stage or on a blog, but they are stories that actually shift my DNA. Maybe God’s slowly rewiring me, bringing me in alignment with his heart for the poor.

    Which by all means, I thought I had already figured out. People pay me to talk about God’s heart for the poor. That qualifies me as an expert, right?

    (Just goes to show…)

    I leave you with no grandiose words of enlightenment.

    No resolution.

    Only this verse, that I was reminded of today by a sign at an old Presbyterian church by my house.

    “Return to me with all your heart…” (Joel 2:12)

    I’m not sure what the next step looks like — to return to God with all my heart. I didn’t know I had gone off track, and you know what? Maybe I haven’t. Maybe it’s the “all your heart” part that I need to keep in mind.

    There’s something about connecting to the forgotten, the oppressed, and the overlooked that connects us to the very heart of God. Jesus talks about it in Matthew 25.

    May we not forget Haiti and in that, not stray far from our Father’s heart. May we be generous with the money we send, but realize our hands and feet are needed on the ground as well. May we not become fatigued and apathetic because the need is so great, fully knowing we serve a God who is more than capable to do so much through us.

    And may we return to God with every part of our hearts…not just the easy pieces we can understand or logically process. May we let the tension and the uncomfortable sense of being overwhelmed take us over, so that we can see redemption in it’s purest light. May we realize we are all poor and we are all in need of rescue.

    —

    PS: (EDIT: This trip has been postponed…I’ll still be going back. Just not next week.)

    An interesting twist to this story has emerged. As I was in the middle of writing this post, I was asked to return to Haiti next week for a few days. (More on that next week.)

    At first, I said yes, hoping that it would provide the resolution I need.

    Instead, I’m going fully knowing that the story will likely become even more unraveled, and less complete, and hopefully that will guide me – and all my heart – more closely to the heart of God.

    As unfinished as it may remain, I’m going to try to be okay with that.