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i can’t cook. plain and simple.

last christmas, i decided i would try and impress my family with my amazing culinary skills. i purchased a boxed cake, a christmas tree shaped aluminum cake pan, some frosting, and some sparkly sprinkles. surely i could succeed at something that only required 2 eggs and a little bit of water.

have you ever seen a cake explode and implode at the same time?

i’m not sure how it happened, but it did. my rachael ray facade rapidly disappeared. my family would have to live without a beautiful christmas tree cake.

so this weekend i was thinking about the cake, and why i even felt a need to present myself as a gifted cake-maker. i wanted to be something i am clearly not in order to be perceived as something i wanted to be. and as we are slowly preparing for the move, i’ve noticed out of all my new-state, new-job moves, our upcoming move to OKC is producing a few more butterflies in my stomach than any other time i’ve moved (which has been a LOT.)

maybe it’s because i am still desperately searching for my tribe. the feelings since writing that have only intensified. maybe it’s because i’m terrified of letting people get to know the real me. i love getting to know other people, but i tremble at the thought of someone really getting to know me. i fear rejection. i fear failure.

aesop said,

?It is easy to be brave from a safe distance.”

most of you are far, far away. so i can share these thoughts with you and shut off my computer.

but things are going to be changing soon. it’s a little weird knowing how many of you OKC people read this blog. so i am going to throw a challenge out at you.

don’t let me hide. because i will try.

and please don’t ask me to bake a cake for you either…

from ananova.com

A Bosnian couple are getting divorced after finding out they had been secretly chatting each other up online under fake names.

Sana Klaric, 27, and husband Adnan, 32, from Zenica, poured out their hearts to each other over their marriage troubles, and both felt they had found their real soul mate.

The couple met on an online chat forum while he was at work and she in an internet cafe, and started chatting under the names Sweetie and Prince of Joy.

They eventually decided to meet up – but there was no happy ending when they realised what had happened.

Now they are both filing for divorce – with each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

Sana said: “I thought I had found the love of my life. The way this Prince of Joy spoke to me, the things he wrote, the tenderness in every expression was something I had never had in my marriage.

“It was amazing, we seemed to be stuck in the same kind of miserable marriages – and how right that turned out to be.

“We arranged to meet outside a shop and both of us would be carrying a single rose so we would know the other.

“When I saw my husband there with the rose and it dawned on me what had happened I was shattered. I felt so betrayed. I was so angry.”

Adnan said: “I was so happy to have found a woman who finally understood me. Then it turned out that I hadn’t found anyone new at all.

“To be honest I still find it hard to believe that the person, Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things to me on the internet, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years.”

That really sucks.

i was twenty four years old. a girl. and was getting offered the title of “director” in the southern baptist church i worked at. i would be one of the few women with that title, and by far the youngest. my salary would also increase, as would my oversight of several key teams: communications & media.

internally, i was facing a dilemma. my current position was a support staff role in student ministry. i loved working with my team – we had the most unique chemistry i’ve ever experienced. my direct supervisor was the student pastor, and it was like i could read his mind. i was truly his right hand person. the ministry had developed such momentum and i had formed some very special relationships with some of the high school girls over the couple of years i had been involved.

but…director?
but…more money?
but…more influence?

i’d have my own office. my own budgets. my own credit card.

being a list-maker, i wrote down the pros and cons of each position. reading over them now, i can see how my true intent of wanting to be the youngest female staff person in leadership tainted my decision making.

i took the director position.

and it was the worst decision i have ever made in my entire life.

three years later, i can see how much i stepped off the path of how god made me so i could pursue a sweet sounding title on a business card and a status which i thought proved my worth.

sure, i can be a leader. i can take charge. i can delegate and direct. but he has specifically designed me to be in a supporting role, and it’s in that supporting role where god uses my gifts, talents, and passions the best.

for his name.
not mine.

jud writes,

“You may have no say over the organizational chart in the business you work for, but you do have the ability to serve others each day. Every person wants to be known and loved. What would happen if you stopped to talk to three people each day and asked them about their lives? Do you know the dreams of your co-workers and friends? Do you know their frustrations? Do you know their strengths? Have you thought about how you could help them win?

These kinds of questions cripple the High and Mighty Assassin. They lead to the release of sharing power and influence instead of the hording of it. They move people from following us positionally to following us relationally. This is servant leadership at its best.”

regardless of my title, i have to ask myself “what’s my position?” am i serving god and others in the best possible way now? or do i feel like a leadership role before i can lead?

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(if you’ve enjoyed this series, you must get the book “deadly viper character assassins.” seriously. now.)