Anne Marie Miller

Author: Anne Marie Miller

  • Discerning or Deceived?

    People have often mentioned to me that I am gifted in the area of discernment. I can often see or feel things that are intangible ? sense moods, emotion and can easily distinguish between true and false in situations?in conversations, environments, and attitudes. When someone is feeling ?off? or upset, it usually comes across clearly to me, and sometimes without even knowing I can guess why out of seemingly nowhere. It?s a little creepy sometimes, but in a good way.

    Also being very ?feely? (I?m an INFP) I tend to base a lot of decisions off of how I feel about something rather than logic or common sense. Sometimes it works out great. And other times?well, not so much. Something I constantly ask myself is, ?Is this just a feeling or is it the truth??

    Today has been an ultra-sensitive day for some reason. I feel as if I?m swimming in a sea of the unseen ? everybody?s thoughts and feelings. There is one area in my life right now where I am feeling extremely insecure based on the way certain people act towards me or respond towards me. I?m feeling inadequate in my talents and gifting. Some things that are happening around me are making my discernment ?red? flag go up.

    But is it just a feeling? Or is it the truth? Am I being discerning?or am I being deceived? How far can I trust my inclinations?

    So?I pray for wisdom. I guess that?s all I can do.

  • NEW YEARS WEEKEND!

    Ok, there has been some buzz about a New Years’ Weekend get together in St. Louis…

    LET’S DO IT!!!

    It’s pretty central to people in the Midwest & Ohio Valley (between 4-6 hours)…so, who’s in? I am thinking for me & Chris, we will drive down and get there late Friday night – meet up with everyone on Saturday and hang out, ring in the New Year together and depart back to our humble abodes Sunday after sleeping in. I’ll look for a hotel and post details about that…

    Until then, ARE YOU IN??? (Anyone & everyone is invited no matter where you live! Southwest has some really cheap flights to St. Louis from just about anywhere!)

    Update: Looks like downtown/union station is a great place to stay (I was IMing normal looking people from there) – close to great food and nightlife. Hampton Inn looks okay?? There is a piano bar with tables for new years – $100/table…with a few of us it could prove to be reasonable…) Whatever!!! We can just find something when we get there….Thoughts?

    Here is a Holiday Inn – http://www.ichotelsgroup.com/h/d/hi/1/en/hd/stlcc?irs=y
    Thoughts?

  • More Good News

    I had a follow up appointment with my neurologist today about all the diagnostic things they’ve been putting my body through for my headaches. They confirmed with KUMed, where I had my angiogram, that I have no vascular malformation (blood vessel problems) or masses (brain tumors). All great news that the bad stuff has been ruled out. After talking about my headache patterns, they think that I have hormonally triggered migraines since most of the time, I am fine except once a month for a few days. And that would make sense because the time I had them for several weeks, I had just come off extensive estrogen therapy, so my hormones were all over the place trying to level out. Now that I’ve been off of it for almost three months, I only get headaches when my estrogen naturally drops. They gave me some interruptive medicine to take should I get a migraine. So, yay! Thanks for all your prayers!

    They also got the results of my sleep study – I woke up (brain waves interrupted) 238 times in 7 hours. No wonder I feel tired all the time! They’re trying to get me to do another one (which I don’t really want to do) soon. Now that I’ve taken proactive measures to reduce my stress, I’ve been sleeping okay most of the time.

    Another “Yay God” (as we call them on staff) is as of now, we have about 25% already raised and/or commited by people for our Scotland trip! We haven’t even sent out support letters yet – this is just from talking to people or people donating online! We are so incredibly thankful as God begins to pave this path for us! I have been in contact with a few people there through YWAM and Every Nation (other missions organizations) and hope we can all bond together to really make an impact for Christ!

    Sorry, there’s not much else to say. I can’t really think of anything to post about except daily life! Have a great Wednesday!

  • Moving on – Megachurches & Christmas Sunday

    We got to go home early today due to the snow. I’d guess a good 5″ so far and it took me 15 minutes to drive Chris’ rear-wheel drive car up the hill we live on and another 10 to turn left. Dang rear-wheel drive cars! Anyway…

    Now that I’ve been home a while, I’ve been reading the almost consistent disdain blogged about by the religious masses on megachurches closing the doors on Christmas Sunday. The church I work for is doing that as well. I’ve read several quotes from the brainiest theologians saying how we’re bowing down to the secular culture and not wanting to inconvenience those who aren’t believers.

    I’m sorry, is it just me, or is this not that big of a deal? Would I rather give the community an opportunity to celebrate the birth of Jesus and experience the love of Christ when it’s convenient for them, or ask them to go out of their way to check out something they’re not even sure exists? I do think that as believers, we should sacrifice our needs in order to reach people, but I don’t and wouldn’t force those expecatations on others to sacrifice their Christmas time with family. I am feeling that we are worshipping a specific day instead of celebrating the incarnation of God.

    What irritates me about this whole ordeal is the “us-against-them” mentality and sucker punching that is happening! I’m not all for everything megachurches do, but I do try to respect and celebrate that they are doing something for the kingdom of God. It might not be the way I would do something, but who the heck cares when people’s lives are being changed? Why can’t they just peacefully say, “We are glad these churches are offering nontraditional times and means of reaching people for Christ even though we are offering services in a more traditional manner?” Why do they have to be so dramatic about the whole ordeal?

    Have services on Christmas or don’t have services on Christmas. Whatever is going to reach your community – Just do it and don’t whine about the way other leaders have decided. Let – it – go!

    So how am I to respond? I’ve decided that I really don’t care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, so I just cheer them on!

    And I’m going to keep that celebration going because I know how it’s going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done. I can hardly wait to continue on my course.

    ~Paul, 1st Century missionary


    (BTW, this isn’t a post on whether or not you agree/disagree with the churches offering other service times other than Christmas day, although please feel free to share your opinion. What do you think about how, as the body of Christ, we’re handling this?)

  • A few updates while you’re waiting

    I’ve added my flickr photo account as a link to the right for your viewing enjoyment…a mixture of my photography, pictures of me and Chris, of friends and places…so, enjoy!

    Coming eventually – “Is anything sacred?”

    And with that, I leave you with this question…

    Are people seeking the sacred?

  • Truth & Sex

    So now it’s time to act on this. Bringing things to the light. My friend’s question about women and porn addiction really hit me. I mean, here is this really intelligent guy who has experienced a lot in his life and he’s never heard of a woman struggling with a pornography addiction. I know from experience that it’s because women don’t like talking about it. So here goes.

    When I was a junior in high school, I overheard a conversation about some guys looking at naked pictures on the internet (keep in mind the internet was only a couple years old at this point.) Being raised in a sheltered, conservative home as a preacher’s kid, I don’t even think I knew what a real, live penis looked like… so my curiosity got the best of me. And that was the first time I saw internet pornography.

    I didn’t start out as an addiction. I mean, it never does, right? I moved out the next year when I was 17 and had my own space with my own computer. All of the years of not knowing how things were done or what really happened when someone had sex got the best of me and I began exploring. It was a cycle that continued for the next three years…looking at stuff, feeling guilty, repenting as much as I could, and then getting caught up in it all again.

    Why couldn’t I stop?

    Of course I never told anyone about it. I mean, I was a woman. A girl. Was I gay? Bisexual? A pervert??? There were pictures of both guys and girls….Why did I enjoy this so much and hate myself so much for doing it?

    One of my biggest fears became, “What if someone finds out?” So, I bought a new computer, trashed my old one and said, “No more porn. Not on this machine!” and mainly out of the fear someone would find out.

    That’s when I realized it was more than just looking at pictures. Because when I abstained from it, I still felt like I needed to. Like I had to. That showed me I was addicted to it.

    By some miracle though, I didn’t look again. My fear of being caught was finally greater than my desire to look at porn. That was five years ago, give or take.

    The temptation still rears up. I hear voices trying to justify it…saying something like, “Well, I’m just going to look because I can’t believe the stuff that they put on the internet these days.” Like I have to prove to myself it’s as bad as it says it’s going to be. And my gosh, all the dating ads with scantily clad women with breasts hanging out of stringy lingerie (if you have a MySpace account, you know exactly what I mean.) I’m completely straight, don’t get me wrong, but there is something about a woman’s body that is beautiful and mysterious and even forbidden, and that toys with our psyche and I believe tempts us to look.

    I’m happy to report that only by the grace of God, talking about it with other females who have been brave enough to share their struggle with me, I’ve never clicked through since the purchase that computer five years ago. Yes, inappropriate thoughts have crossed my mind when I see ads or sometimes even photography or art that is nude. That is never going to go away. It’s a matter of stopping that thinking as soon as I can. Do I always succeed at that? No. But I try. I really do try.

    Why do women struggle with this? I think partially it is seeing something…visually, but at least for me, it fed a huge emotional need I had. I was able to put myself in the role of what I was seeing and it made me feel beautiful (by the world’s standard)…to have a perfect body, to be sexy, to be desired and wanted. Living vicariously through someone outwardly flawless. I could escape my own flawed physical appearance and be transformed in my mind to this perfect woman. I think that’s why I did it.

    So..I know this has been a really scary thing to write about. Honestly, I’m still debating whether I should post this or not. But I don’t think I have a choice. This is a real problem and if we keep hiding it – like I did for so long – we will always be a slave to it.

    II know not everyone is going to feel comfortable sharing publicly, but if you can, please do. I think it will help…no, I know it will help shine light and truth on this.

  • Money, Money, Money!

    Money, money, money

    A few months ago (June 29th) my spirit was struggling some with how local churches spend money. Today I read (and re-read, and re-read) Alex’s post on “A Reversal of Kingdom Capital” and over the last week, some of my emails with James have also discussed the struggle between supporting valid needs of local churches and using money in more practical ways by helping people meet their everyday needs financially.

    For me, personally, some of the struggle comes with the fact that I am employed full time at a church. I feel so fortunate to have a steady and generous (not exuberant) salary, health insurance, dental, vision, retirement, paid time off, conference time and money, and even a small amount for growth (books, magazines, etc.). Also, our church makes our financial reports very public and we have several people in the church, as well as outside accountants keeping a watchful eye on spending. So, my struggle isn’t in the integrity of how our church handles money specifically.

    However, Alex’s post, for some reason, really struck a chord with me that sort of resonates back to an earlier post from last week where Kyle and I talked about how sometimes, the church culture seems to almost segregate by denominations and by something as simple as a building…”What church do you go to?”

    Now, let me tie these two together – Although I know local churches are often doing incredible jobs at reaching their neighborhoods and the world, I am personally questioning if it would be wrong (I can’t think of a better word) for one to give financally to other areas instead of giving to his or her local place of worship.

    I mean, it’s not just about my church – it’s about The Church… Right?

    Before you comment, I know the easy answer would be giving to both – a place of worship and above and beyond that, give to the poor or help meet other’s financial needs – Trust me, I’ve heard that one my whole entire Sunday School life…

    And I don’t want an easy answer.

  • Getting Away

    So I got away last night. I drove up to the plaza and walked around despite the rain and the cold. That’s what hoodies are for, anyway. I stopped in Barnes and Noble where I found an interesting sign for one of their featured book tables. It read, “Understanding Our World.”

    I laugh at the sign. If only it were that easy. Pick up a few books at B&N and be elightened into the innerworkings of the world.

    I meandered over to the world history shelves. The History of South Africa….of Spain…of Rome. Hitler’s book, “Mein Kampf” I love WWII history for some reason. Anne Frank was my hero growing up.

    After a while, I went back to walking. Across the street from me was this lady playing an oboe. It’s been a while since I’ve seen an oboe. She pulled some really great warmth from it. I darted across the street. I knew I didn’t have any money (I didn’t even leave the house with my purse.) But I had to talk to her.

    I pulled up in front of her chair and just started out telling her how beautiful her music was. I wasn’t lying. Or exaggerating. It really, truly was. How I was walking across the street by Sharper Image and heard her. How it warmed me up on a chilly night. I apologized that I didn’t have any money, but asked her if she played out on the street frequently.

    With her wind-battered, chapped lips…cracking her skin as she smiled, she said that she played out there almost every night. Especially this week, because it’s race week at the speedway. She told me how she was having “one of those weeks” where it seemed like nothing was going right for her. I told her I knew a little bit how she felt. She said she’d be out there this weekend again. I hope I can find her. It won’t be hard if she’s playing the way she was playing late last night.

  • Taming my passion – or not?

    So this week is the big employee evaluation week here at Westside. I know every working soul in this country and thousands others must bear through this process every year at about the same time. Answering questions about your strengths, weaknesses, how you can improve?your supervisor?s strengths, weaknesses, and how the company can help you work the best you can.

    This year, I decided not to hold anything back on it. I expressed my dreams, passions and hopes (I printed out 4 pages to attach to it since I couldn?t get it to fit on the five or six lines they offer). I gave it to one of our pastors who I don?t report to but trust his wisdom significantly for him to look over before I turn it in to my supervisor, asking him if it was too much and if I need to tame it down a little bit.

    Of course, I don?t want to tame it down at all!!! But at the same time, I think of Nehemiah in the Bible, when he wants to rebuild the wall-he was crazy passionate about it, but had wisdom in the timing of how he talked to the King about it. He prayed a lot and planned a lot so the down time wasn’t wasted.

    I don’t want to tame my passion or quench it in anyway and honestly, I don’t think I can. But I want to be wise in how it’s expressed to those who aren’t passionate about the same things.

    Just some thoughts.