Before heading out on this cycling trip, one thing I was curious about was how “God would show up” and I was really excited to “find Him” in different ways.
Anyway, I thought I had it figured out, this “God showing up” thing. In my fantasy I was leaning head-down into the wind, pathways of sweat cutting across my face and rolling off into the road behind me. I heard the vibration of my bike moving across hot asphalt as blades of grass and insects buzzed next to my feet. My chest moved in and out as my lungs expanded and emptied with each breath. I felt the movement of God in me. I felt alive.
We’re now on our fourth week of this trip and my God-fantasy is just that. A fantasy. There have been no magic burning bushes or epiphanies had on the open roads. In fact, it’s maybe been the opposite.
And as expected, the unexpected has happened.
Physically, the heat and climbing escalated my almost-fixed-but-evidently-not-quite heart problem. That knocks me out from riding every mile on certain days with big climbs or 100 degree plus weather.
Didn’t see that coming.
On top of that, the day before two really great rides in Texas, a component of my bike broke to an extent I couldn’t effectively ride. I had planned to do my first century ride into Anson, TX (which is close to where I went to high school) but because I couldn’t get my bike fixed before that day, I ended up driving the van.
In keeping a healthy perspective, my unplanned time in the van isn’t really a big deal. Before my heart surgery, simply walking to the van would have been tough. So riding 30 miles, 50 miles, 80 miles…any miles, really…is beyond anything I could have hoped for a year ago.
But my perspective isn’t always healthy.
I’ve been fighting with my “ideal” self – the athlete I was before my heart problems. I know my muscles are strong and can handle these long miles. Except for the literal pain in the butt from sitting on a six-inch seat for seven hours, nothing really hurts.
If only my heart worked right, this wouldn’t be such a struggle for me.
If only…
The unexpected has thrown my spiritual fantasy out the door as well. And once again, it has to do with my heart.
What I expected is something emotional. Cathartic. Exciting. Clear. Maybe even miraculous in an obvious way. I’m supposed to be writing another book and planning my future as an author and speaker. I wait each day, hoping for a revelation on what I’m supposed to do when I get back in August and each night go to bed as empty handed as I woke up.
If only…
What I am realizing is the extent I let my expectations control me. My heart – both physically and spiritually – had formed expectations for this trip. Expectations that aren’t being met. I’ve spent so much of my spiritual life coasting from a mountain top to a valley and back up again, so I only expect to see God at the top or at the bottom on a roller coaster.
What happens when there is no roller coaster?
What happens when the land of my spirit is flat?
How do I find Him?
And when I don’t “feel” Him…where do I turn?
Quite honestly, I find myself turning the other way.
(Evidently I am not gifted with patience.)
“What? You’re not here? Okay. Fine. I’m gonna try running over there to find you.”
I’m left breathless and exhausted at the end.
My heart…It’s not perfect.
It beats too fast sometimes.
It gets anxious.
It doesn’t like to wait.
It likes to experience the highs and lows, but never the middle.
The middle is too quiet. Too tame.
And as such, too threatening to my comfort.
In the same way I can’t control how my physical heart functions, I can’t control how God shows Himself, or how I see him.
What happens when God isn’t a feeling? When He isn’t a high or an adrenaline rush or a moment of clarity when I expect Him to be?
God simply is, and I need to simply be.
I need to realize that in that holy moment of simply being, it’s not about my expectations.
It’s about His.
Resting.
Existing.
Living.
Being.
Right here. Right now.
In this moment.
With this heart beat.
And this one.
And that’s all He wants (and expects) of me.
—-
Comments
41 responses to “When God Isn’t…”
Thank you.
Unmet expectations is a dangerous place to keep putting ourselves. That is what this girl is seeing.
“Being” is quite the difficult task these days.
I am glad you are riding.
Drink deep, savor, savor, savor.
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..DC DreamCenter SI Student Internship in NO New Orleans =-.
wow
.-= Jen~Beautiful Mess´s last blog ..We temporarily interrupt this program =-.
Great post!!!!
You read my mind and then you write this stuff down. Good answer for an unasked question.
I LOVE this post. I really appreciate your honesty about God and life in general. I struggle a lot with this issue that you are talking about, especially with “spiritual expectations”. Thank you so much for this post!
Wow. Anne. Thank you. I seriously wanna be like you when I grow up, able to be so transparent and real.
.-= Faye´s last blog ..UNcomfortable =-.
I’m sure you already know this, but what you’re describing here is what the saints call the dark night of the soul. Specifically, St. John of the Cross talks about the way God removes himself from our senses — those spiritual highs and lows — toward the aim that we will come to know and love him for who he is and not what we experience.
It sucks.
But somehow, it is good.
I’m in such a similar place these days, and it has surprised me, too. And been uncomfortable. And I’ve run the other way many times, myself.
Your post encouraged me, then. Thank you.
.-= Christianne´s last blog ..At the Root of Nonviolence Is Hope =-.
this is up there as one my favorite things you’ve ever written. love you!
.-= Crystal Renaud´s last blog ..Silence =-.
This was very beautiful! Thank you for sharing so honestly and so rawly.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!! :)
The hardest part of having faith is having faith without any sign that God has heard, is hearing, and will respond. Our growing close to him is the basic assumption that He IS, and always will be.
I loved this an can relate so much. It seems He is meeting you, just not how you fantasized.
.-= Prudence´s last blog ..To Heal Their Broken Hearts =-.
Wow. I can definitely relate to this right now in my life so thanks for sharing. I am at such a transition point- deciding to leave parts of my old life behind and allow the Lord to bring some healing to some really broken places. I wish for some burning bush or some writing on the wall most days. But it’s yet to come. I try to cherish the small things like the sunset or a sweet word from a friend. But sometimes days and days drag on where I wonder if the Lord sees me at all. There is something in me that knows he does and loves me even when I can’t feel it. I’m not giving up hope, not yet. Glad to know I’m not alone.
And of course, he’s going to tell you what to do with your life when this ride is all over. But, knowing his ways, only when this ride is all over, and not before. In the meantime it’s just you and him and your friends and the bike and the road and serving the poor.
.-= Mark Jaffrey´s last blog ..Beautiful bougainvillea at MCC =-.
Thank you for writing this, Anne… I am in a long and difficult season of life where God is not doing what I expected of Him. I trying to accept, and even embrace that, but it’s hard. Your words have, yet again, really spoken to my heart. Thank you…
Blessings as you sort this out in your own life and on your own journey. May faith find both of us at the end of the road.
.-= mandythompson´s last blog ..Make Me Laugh Monday =-.
not really sure how you can make a spiritual desert sound beautiful. that’s talent!
.-= mandie´s last blog ..We love your heartbut =-.
Great post Anne.
I heard long ago and continue to have to be reminded to put it in practice: “knowing God’s will for your life is the continual search for His will.” It is often not a fun search and it seems that there is often nothing to be found. But God does prove faithful over and over again…I just wish He would do it NOW!
Praying for you and the team often.
.-= Michael H Smith´s last blog ..Disagreeing with your boss may help you both =-.
I relate so much it hurts reading this. We are adopting, shopping publishers right now, started a church, have 3 kids already. And feel God’s calling in all of that.
Life is over the top lately yet most days are not adrenaline filled and when you have had so much of it- it is hard to know how to relate to God without it. Without it lately I have felt apathetic and doubting.
Girl I am feeling you- ride on!
.-= Jennie´s last blog ..When Obedience Costs Something =-.
Yeah, I know that “almost fixed but not quite heart problem” thing pretty well.
Ride Well.
:)
Tremendous writing! If you author another book and call it “The Ride” or….”The Heart” or…”Simply Being” the whole world would want it! Anne it’s such a high spot and so true! You know your real attitude and actions as you talk from the heart and I cannot thank you enough!
.-= Carol´s last blog ..HAPPINESS CONTD =-.
I once heard a wise woman say…”Expectations are pre-meditated resentment.”
I love this!!
.-= AymieJoi´s last blog ..The God I need =-.
Consistency and steadfastness are some of the most admirable Christian virtues, but they don’t have the same appeal as giftings and talents. Still, I believe they are more useful and probably more Christ-like. I’ve often heard this phrase in my head: “He is with you ON the journey, not waiting around the next corner or over the next hill.”
.-= Felicity´s last blog ..An Invitation to STORY =-.
Wow, Anne. This hits me right where I need to be hit right now. In my case it’s not my physical heart (yet), but it is probably my endocrine system afflicted by stress & burnout.
Nothing enlightening to add yet Sorry. I appear to be a “flatlander” right now, too.
I had a pastor lecture me (more than once) on the danger of relying on my feelings when deciding if I’m “hearing” from God. This is basically what he said (but your prose is much more beautiful than his was :) ). It also goes so nicely with my post today:
.-= AymieJoi´s last blog ..The God I need =-.
Man, how many “if only” statements do I dwell on in my life….reminds me of Mary and Martha to Jesus when Lazarus died.
Good, good post.
.-= Josh´s last blog ..For A Limited Time Only =-.
“What I am realizing is the extent I let my expectations control me.”
I’ve caught myself more and more downplaying things just so they’ll seem better. For example, I’ll go into Toy Story 3 thinking it’s going to be lame… so when I see it, it’ll exceed my expectations.
That does actually work, but sometimes it’s still not the right attitude. It’s still allowing my expectations to control me.
I hadn’t thought of it like that until I read that. Thank you.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
.-= bondChristian´s last blog ..What I-8217m learning from questions- Monkey Town- and questions about Monkey Town =-.
Unfortunately this is really close to where I am right now. I hate it. I am tired of waiting and being patient. I feel like a little kid who is trying to pull this huge God behind me so he can come show something amazing. It seems like God is kind of laughing at me from heaven waiting for me to stop trying to pull him ahead and just relax. If it helps I can see where you are coming from.
.-= Kamrie´s last blog ..Accepting the Unacceptable =-.
How much happier would we be if we didn’t let our expectations determine our happiness? It’s so hard to live life with no expectations and just take things as they come because we see what has happened in the past in similar situations and because we are told that certain actions bring certain results.
I think this is especially true when it comes to being generous and helping others.
http://wp.me/pGZIl-iN
.-= Tymn´s last blog ..In Case You Missed It… A Top 10 Of Sorts =-.
Anne, it sounds like you are growing, and learning, just in a way you haven’t experienced before and don’t know much about. When you are at a place you can reflect take a look at the work by Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich on the stages of faith. Most of what the church leads us to only goes to stage 3, but I think you are on the journey inward (stage 4), maybe even hitting the wall. Maybe you have been hitting the wall for a while now and that is why there haven’t been tears. Praying that the Lord does what he desires to do in your life, whether in silence, in absence, or in his still small voice that you have to seek. The book will come when it is time. Right now, keep working on that heart!
.-= Sherie´s last blog ..Life Sculpting Faith Book Review- Picking Dandelions by Sarah Cunningham =-.
Thanks for this post and your transparency Anne. I’m right there with you these days. I’m training to run a marathon in November. I had some back problems in May that “benched” me for several weeks. This past Friday was my final day of physical therapy. The same day my doctor discovered a heart problem that I have to have checked further – and so I’m “benched” again. It’s so frustrating. I’m trying to remember that the point is raising awareness and money for the water crisis in Africa. My running a marathon is just a means to that end. I can still accomplish that goal – just in a different way than I had planned.
It’s tough to be out. I hate sitting at home while the rest of my team is out running. The question I can’t shake is Why would God not let me run? I know thats probably a bit immature and whiny…
Anyway, thank you for the reminder that sometimes just being is the best I can offer and that’s ok.
.-= Chrystal´s last blog ..10k =-.
ah anne i relate. and you’re just ‘in it’ right now. a story is being written rest in it.
Thank you. I liked that.
.-= Sharkbait´s last blog ..Why I like Twitter =-.
Oh, man, what a rich post this is. I can taste the disappointment in the “normalcy” of it all when the dream was for the dramatic.
I can so relate. Our family of five just moved to Thailand to run an orphanage for girls. We left wanting to “change the world,” fight the sex trafficking problem, rescue orphans. We have been here three months and have found out that there’s no changing the world gonna happen from this family. Things have been so painfully gritty and mundane and just . . . hard. There is no applause from people that know us. No community. Very little noticeable glory. And we still do not doubt Jesus was the one who led us here, but, man, he didn’t clue us in to how hard it was really going to be.
In the midst of the Western-detox we are enduring right now, though, I am learning the lessons of blooming in the dark and obedience at the laundry line.
Just like you, I guess. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
.-= Laura@Life Overseas´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Here’s a Fish to Eat Your Foot =-.
Eloquently written, Anne. Excellent.
Perhaps we don’t ALL have those times, but I do. Times when, like Elijah, I stand on the mountain and say “Lord, I’ve worked hard for you. Why is nothing happening?
Then there’s a tornado (like the day after your wedding)? “Lord, NOW you’ll move!” He doesn’t. Then an earthquake. “God, that HAS to be you. Or at least Michael Hyatt.” But it isn’t. Then a fire. But the firemen beat the Lord there. Again, nothing.
Then “the sound of a gentle whisper.” (Wording from the Living Bible.) Perhaps the whisper of little kids in India. In Uganda. In Haiti. In ghettos in the United States. In our own neighborhoods. Other gentle whispers. In them God appears. In them we hear HIS instructions. We obey. And things happen.
God bless you and protect you on the rest of this trip!
Yes! Yes! Yes! It took me so long to figure out that when I get in a funk and begin wondering if I am really “safe” in God’s arms–it is usually because He didn’t accommodate some unwarranted expectation of mine. Thank you for reminding me to stay on the lookout for this particular brand of ridiculousness.
.-= Crystal´s last blog ..Composite Woman- That Proverbs 31 Lady Has Nothin’ On Her =-.
Thank you for giving a voice to the very battle of my own soul! Comforting to know that I’m not alone in the struggle between expectations and reality!
Wow, you captured so wonderfully what I’ve been going through and what’s in my heart. Thank you :)
.-= Liz´s last blog ..My simple joys =-.
Sometimes all I can do is turn my head in God’s direction. I’m glad he understands and holds on to me in those times. Looking back over my life, a lot of times the most meaningful things that planted the seeds for real growth to happen seemed common place or just plain hard at the time. Edith Schaffer, in her book Suffering said that God often times goes back and adds the fireworks later.
.-= Linda B.´s last blog ..Welcome To A Place To Dialogue =-.
i relate to this all too well… i’ve said that my heart condition is the greatest metaphor of my life. and i continue to de-layer reasons why.
hello anne
thank you so much for this post
especially the part “what if God isn’t a feeling?”
that’s something for me to share at youth camp this december
this post has reminded me so much about God
thank you so so much
love
sabriena