when my friend was on a mission trip in his high school years, the group of guys he was with had the luxury of a communal shower. i believe most high school boys would find this an awkward situation, trying to keep their insecurities hidden by staring very intently at the tile wall in front of them.
the rule of the communal shower was “eyes, straight ahead.” during the course of one of his showers, he heard a noise – a thud. looking down toward his feet, he noticed a bar of soap slide on the floor, right behind his legs. within seconds, a hand – only from the wrist up – grabbed the escaped bar. as quickly as the soap had appeared, it had disappeared.
it doesn’t take a genius to figure out whoever this alleged soap-dropping-person was had to come into pretty close contact with my friend’s then sudsy derriere. now, he was faced with a life-altering decision.
does he turn around and identify this brave (yet clumsy) person? or does he choose the safe route, eyes unmoving from the innocent tile wall?
he chose the wall.
yesterday while in kansas, i had a woman come up to me and introduce herself. she attends my old church and has been reading my blog. she was awesome and she thanked me for being transparent through this avenue of blogging.
i have to admit, this computer screen in some ways is like the wall at which my friend chose to stare. i am honored that you drop by in some way or another and read these mostly muddled thoughts i toss out into cyberland. but truth be told, it’s a LOT easier typing these things than it is physically talking about them with someone.
i got to spend some time today sharing about my struggles with stress and anxiety – things i have easily blogged about before (feel free to read through the “depression” category)…however, looking someone in the eye and saying, “yeah, this is where i really get hit” didn’t come out quite as elegant, witty, or as anonymous.
honestly, i think i was surprised about how uncomfortable it was talking about these issues in person with a small group of friends as compared to writing it for however many random strangers to read. and as therapeutic as blogging these things has been, and as much as other people have shared the “me too” connection through those posts, there is definitely a huge difference in the amount of difficulty sharing such messy things to real, live-in-front-of-you people as opposed to typing them out for the whole world to see.
all of this rambling to state the obvious: i don’t think blogging or an online community can take the place of real life interaction and sharing. can it compliment it? absolutely. i will talk until i’m blue in the face about the amazing things that can take place online.
but looking someone in the eye after they’ve been up and in your ugly parts is a completely different – and now i realize very essential – dimension.
Comments
17 responses to “who dropped the soap?”
You are so right!!! I would give up my right arm or my left leg to really look someone squarely in the eye and admit that I am hurting or feeling alone,or God forbid a christian leader like me get depressed? I’d rather have my laptop for my security or even a .99 cent spiral notebook. I JUST DON’T WANT TO SEE EYES BACK AT ME, especially the ones that nod their and say Oh I have been so there….
Back to the spiral for me!!!
I can’t agree with you more. Blogging definetly helps me get some things off my chest but it doesnt replace personal friendship. I can be as honest and authentic as I want to when looking at a computer screen, but when facing someones eyes, and possible judgement that is a differnt story.
And I think I may know what you are referring to when you state “anonymous”.
I agree.
I’ve been blogging for about eight years now in some capacity, and it’s always served as a way for me to say the things I had trouble saying face to face with people…
…or honestly even sometimes to myself in a mirror.
I, personally, am not uncomfortable with talking face-to-face about much. What I have savored about blogging, though, is that people who have vastly different perspectives than me feel they can comment, sometimes anonymously. I am fairly safe to presume they would not share their view in person. I like that diversity of perspective, even though it can be hard to swallow at times.
Separate from blogging (but similar in comfort zone) is the perceived safety of the computer screen to share prayer requests, via email. We offer this option, as a prayer team at our church. People that we know well and people that we are mere acquaintances to, share their prayer requests far more freely, honestly and abundantly by confidential email, than in person.
right on….i’ve had several moments where i’m about to send someone from my church to my blog and i have this split-second pause where i think….”is there anything on there that i don’t feel comfortable sharing with someone who looks up to me as a leader in our church?”
in this way, i’ve found blogging to be a good accountability tool (if i can choose to allow it to be). it helps me ask myself regularly “why am i hesitant to go to this level of transparency with real people?”
good post. although i have to admit, i could’ve gone all day today without the communal shower visuals!
That is incredibly true! Once again, I love how you put it so perfectly, completely relatable. Thanks for sharing this!
I only blog about things that I would say in person, and in public. So, I guess I am not as transparent or at least my transparency is what people will get if they sit and have a coffee with me or come up to me at church. I like your transparency. My life is a bit more guarded at times.
i, too, only blog what i would say in public because i have people reading it that i know, especially family. i even have to remind myself of that as i’m composing my posts.
but i understand what you’re saying. i’ve had other blogs in the past that i kept secret. i’d write what i wouldn’t be able to say outloud. but i got tired of not being able to write for others to read. i was tired of feeling so isolated.
i’m enjoying my public blog much more. maybe i can’t write everything i’m thinking, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
I don’t know. I guess because I am a “total jerk” to people and say what I think, this is a different problem for me. I am usually the same on my blog. Not that I don’t think that we all need to be a little bit more sensitive…but really, I hate when people are fake and that includes me. This has made it super difficult to relate to people and I think that somewhere in that Bible of mine it talks about being wise and keeping your tongue tame. Why is it that I am so impatient to say what is on my mind? I always rush to tell people how I am feeling about this or that or me or them…so it makes a lot of people uncomfortable and me a lonely person indeed.
I think Honesty and Vulnerability are elements that often get pushed into the background in church. Whether you’re a leader or just a member of the congregation, it’s not easy to say out loud: ‘I’m holding a grudge.’ or ‘I don’t believe God is good.’ or ‘I was molested as a child.’
But only in friendships/relationships/bible studies where I felt the freedom to say these things out loud – to name my ‘ugly parts’ – have I experienced what I believe to be ‘Church,’ as it was intended to be.
Anne, I can only speak for myself as having weighed the circumstances and truly been a part of “hurting people” in the churches my husband has Pastored for over 30 years. In March I started blogging. Mine is merely for church growth. Your blog is what motivates me to keep from having burn-out and is so essential to know what the cool young adults are thinking…so essential! Stuffing feelings inside is not healthy. I teach a W.O.W. (Women of Worth) class. I know the ladies felt the level of intelligence giving their opinion on my blog. But in the class there is a lot of empathy (& sympathy) going on and the emotional support given is what I feel is needed. Some people blow off “emotional” (teary-eyed vs. happy feelings)……not me! I embrace the fact that our Lord was sympathetic. He had compassion for the sick and mercy for the sinful. “he was moved with compassion” Matt. 9:36. He was “touched with the feeling of our infirmities (Heb. 4:15) He wept when He came to the grace of His friend, Lazarus (John 11:35.) We, too, should “bear one another’s burden’s.” There is, to me, NO place in Christianity for cold, calculating atttudes. The road to recovery begins by voicing how one feels- New directions in life! Thank you for your honesty, warmth, and love shown to those of us in the pastorate! Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!
Thanks Anne, i agree with you. Whilst blogging is very therapeutic it has not been as healing for me as struggling to share myself with other people and experiencing love, acceptance and affirmation – as well as prayer and support.
I also find blogging helpful a lot of time to catch the thoughts and feelings in my head which then allows me to at least kinda know what i want to say with folks about how i am honestly doing – altho you’re right, eloquence is v low down the list when you’re doing it in person!
It has much to do with how God wired us, I believe. Someone might not be comfortable writing their feelings, opinions, etc but would rather talk to the tiled wall until the grout talks back! However, I am one of those for whom the keys toll and am much more open in written form, including IM, blogs, emails, etc. Nevertheless, I don’t think we should hide behind our external or internal thought processes, but instead learn to do what’s out to the norm–be it talking with friends or writing to them. Like you said, it’s an essential dimension of true relationship.
My husband recently asked me if my dad read my blog. I suddenly got very nauseous.
Well, first I identify with the dropping of the soap. I hated those days. I would get up at like 5:30 AM just so I didn’t have to shower with other people.
Second, the meeting people in real life thing goes both ways. Working at a college campus, I often meet people who found Wayland through my blog. It is always so awkward because you feel like you are meeting a celebrity.
Blogs can be a double edged sword. Although I love being transparent, it can back fire at any moment.
amen. absolutely. blog to blog does not replace person to person heart to heart.
Anne, ouch. I have had a terrible tendency to hide behind the internet since I discovered it, even though I can be a pretty social person. However, one of the best things I did several months after I began writing and joined several online communities was to join my local writers guild. I found I had missed the human interaction and didn’t even realize it. God meant us for real live body-visible fellowship!