(*On a quick note, I changed hosts for my blog recently and if you encounter any problems, like this post not appearing after you click over from RSS or email, or a comment doesn’t show up right away, I’m so sorry. These issues should be resolved today. Thanks for your patience!)
At the end of 2009, I purchased a small journal from Target. This little notebook serves the purpose of collecting random ideas that hit me at random times. It fits neatly in my purse so it goes with me everywhere. Assuming I actually have a pen in my purse (and not only eyeliner or lipstick to write with, which has happened on more than one occasion), it’s a nifty little tool to have.
I was waiting for an appointment last week, and began thinking of topics to blog about and I kept writing the word “envy.”
Envy is an odd duck.
Since having a book (and now almost two books) release, I have had a few people mention they were envious of my life. And by “my life,” they confessed they were envious of what they perceived about “my life” because of my blog, or my books. A few days ago, a wonderful author named Rachel vulnerably shared about how she resented me (it’s a very lovely and honest post).
When these conversations pop up, even as seldom as they do, they confuse me.
Why? Because my life is well – just life. It’s nothing to be jealous of and find it interesting while people are wishing they may “be me” in some ways…
…I’m wishing I was someone else.
Don’t get me wrong: I feel incredibly lucky that during this season I can write books for a modest living and travel a bit to share a little hope here and there. I have also eaten enough humble pie to know this has little to do with me, if anything at all. As much as writing and speaking is not a “normal job” it’s still work. It’s still frustrating. There are things I hate about my work sometimes. It’s easy to get lonely and lazy. Questions of “am I good enough?” or “am I as good as…” or even “am I better than…” cycle in my mind day in and day out.
And truth be told, envy plays a large part in that cycle.
I see other bloggers and authors and speakers who seem to float from one puffy white cloud of God’s blessed goodness to another, whose marriages are picture perfect and friendships are solid and complete. They never seem to fight loneliness, or writers block, or carbs, or bad hair days. They don’t say “um” forty-seven times in a thirty minute talk and their words flow seamlessly from one noun to one verb. They are never “too passionate” and write thoughtfully instead of from a place of raw, immature emotion. They’re wise. Stable. And go to great parties or dinners and tweet about it and it seems like everyone else is there but, well, me. They’ll get credit for something and I won’t. They’ll get more money than I’ll get. Someone will review or endorse their book that won’t return my emails.
And I get envious. (Obviously. And very whiny, too).
It’s scary to admit that perhaps I’ve even allowed myself to become so envious that my heart is becoming bitter. I’ve forgotten to celebrate the good things others do and to mourn (and not silently rejoice) their falls.
(Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this little mental happy dance when someone perfect makes a mistake…)
Envy eats away at my heart, slowly, and quietly, and daily.
And is it tragically ironic that I hate it when people perceive me in certain ways, and yet I do the exact same thing and place those exact same perceptions on others?
Comparison. Perception. Assumption. Envy.
This life thing can be messy and ugly sometimes.
I’m so glad there’s grace. Aren’t you?
Comments
67 responses to “Envy Eats Away My Heart”
darn – and i wanted to be you!
we are people and we feel things that are good and bad. remember, a wise person can still feel but it’s how that feeling manifests itself that is important.
i will share this with you. my son, who always comes up with these sarcastic sayings and is quite competitive about grades, his music, etc. says “always base your success on the failure of others”. i crack up every time he says it. but, that’s what he sees in the nashtown music biz every day, including the christian crowd – and it disgusts him
Does he ever play live? We would love to see him. The fruit of Tony.
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Envy Eats Away My Heart =-.
he does some studio work and plays live some with whoever calls him, only has a part time band that plays at private functions right now. mainly he goes to school(or at least he better be – grades say yes – i love him)
he wants to be an entertainment lawyer /manager- and provide justice to those poor musicians and writers that get ripped off by the big labels – did i say i love him?
“This life thing can be messy and ugly sometimes.” What stands out in this sentence is SOMETIMES. Reminds me that it passes…Yes, it will probably come back, but each time it does, maybe, just maybe, we will be better at handling it….And I am so glad there is grace.
Good thoughts….
Thanks for sharing this. Envy is an easy trap to fall into. I find that I envy less when I intentionally rejoice and congratulate others on their successes. But envy is like a fly that is always buzzing around, trying to land and lay eggs and spread its disease.
um….Eew. I mean, true. So true. But ew.
.-= Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary?s last blog ..Me and my bitches; An object lesson in Worship =-.
When I see those people who seem to “float from cloud to cloud”. It’s easy to make a quick judgement, get envious, and move on. However, when I choose to look a little closer and try and learn from them, I realize they just work harder than I do.
.-= @chriswhill?s last blog ..Christmas Rock Night 2009 =-.
that’s true sometimes! :)
Thanks for putting this on the table. As I sit here in my mid-50s, it’s easy for me to look at all the women who are decades younger than me and wonder, “what if …?” What if I had started coaching/counseling/facilitating/writing decades ago? Would I be well-known? Influential? In demand?
The problem is that when I go down that trail, it’s all about my EGO. Feeding it. Stroking it. Instead of looking at what God is doing in my life in THIS SEASON and being filled with gratitude.
But the bottom line is that what I do bring to the table now is because of all those years of life experience. The wisdom and insight that’s come with raising a family. Working my way through the maze of church leadership maze. Lots of interesting relationships. Plenty of pain and sorrow, joy and wonder.
I like being where I am in this season. Thanks for helping me be grateful.
.-= Linda Stoll?s last blog .."Hostages to Bric-a-Brac" =-.
You encourage me with your comments….and I really appreciate you doing that! Use your wisdom…we need it!!!!
Thanks for your honesty. I do the same thing. Ok, but with a much smaller cool factor, cause I’m not a speaker or writer or any of that junk. So instead I’m envious of people who can afford to buy jeans other than at Old Navy and get to do it more than once a freakin year. And I’m envious of all the girls who are wearing boots right now cause I think they’re really cute and finally there’s a popular style that would cover my cankles but I live in the stupid tropics where boots are kind of ridiculous. Oh, and I envy the girls that don’t have cankles… Sorry, I could go on. But I won’t because it makes me bitter.
And it’s SO STUPID because I wake up every morning living someone else’s DREAM!!! A missionary. In Costa Rica.
Sometimes, I think it’s less about envy and more about gratefulness. I’d like to replace the envy in my life with feelings of thanksgiving and gratitude. So, thanks for the inspiration, today.
.-= Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary?s last blog ..Me and my bitches; An object lesson in Worship =-.
I have the boots. And even though it is cold, I still look ridiculous. So envy is here too. :)
Thanks SO much! This is dead on and I’m glad that I’m not the “only” one (why do we think that) that has that ENVY bug and even get a little butterfly happy when others fail (ouch).
Thanks again for being authentic…….and BOY am I deleriously glad that theres grace!
Deliriously glad – I love that!
Thanks for writing this. I just had a conversation with my wife last night about a large amount of envy and bitterness I’ve been feeling at church recently. And coupled with this stupid desire I have to be recognized for things that I’m doing.
I very much identify.
Let us know when you figure out how to get past it. I’ll try to do the same ;)
.-= Danny Bixby?s last blog ..Why Do We Love To Watch People Fail? =-.
That need to be recognized – AHG – that kills me the worst.
Oh thank God for grace. There are a lot of things I’d love to do. I’d love to write and get paid for it… because I know my body will fall apart eventually from working in labor & delivery. But my whining gets me no where… and humble pie eventually tastes sweet after the sour wears off… and God is good… and as much as I’d like to think otherwise, He uses me in the life I’m in right now.
Great post. Glad I’m not the only one.
.-= Taking Heart?s last blog ..An opportunity to shine for haiti =-.
He IS using us…no matter what we are doing….if we are faithful. I was reminded of this last night when my friend spoke at church. Such a good reminder.
Amazing how much envy can control someone. I do the same thing. I get jealous quick and easy. Extremely glad grace is around!
.-= Brett Barner?s last blog ..What I Learned While On the Farm =-.
Quick and easy – so true! It’s like something that floods your heart!
The flip-side of envy is acceptance: of myself, of others, of “life on life’s terms” (a recovery phrase, not my own). Ego and control hope they can make us dissatisfied with ourselves and our stations in life long enough for us to long for something we don’t have. That’s when we’re like a fish on a hook – holding on for dear life to the bait even as it drags us to our peril. Here’s hoping we all let go and get back to swimming in our own stream.
envy (of people i perceive to be more “influential,” of happily married folks, of people who get to create stuff full-time, of people who are more recognized as and/or paid to be worship leaders, of people with more established and/or more respected careers, etc.) is one of my most frequent confessions. it’s a little weird, even hard to imagine, people who might see me the way i see the people i envy. hmm… anyway, i definitely see how envy cripples my heart. may God continue to bring freedom to His sons and daughters. thank God for grace…
i’m envious of those who began 2010 without fear or sadness. i envy skinny girls & married girls & girls with talents i don’t have. wastes a lot of energy. :)
Anne, thanks so much for your truly gracious response to my post about resenting you. I’ve been surprised by how much reflection and healing has come out of this experience. There’s something profoundly comforting and challenging about knowing that even the people of whom I am jealous struggle with envy too.
Like I said in the post, “It seems the Anne Jacksons in our lives are not really ‘out there,’ but rather ‘in here’?in our hearts and in our heads, when we look to other people to define us and to temporal standards to measure our success. How sad that we continue to believe in VIPs, when we all share unlimited access to the Source of all joy, peace, and life.”
.-= Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..We already failed Haiti =-.
I am a master at the comparison game. Sometimes I think about what part of different people I’d take to build the perfect me – her hair, his wit, her blog, her WOO, his skill at praying aloud… I could go on and on.
Yes, thankful for Grace.
.-= Lindsey Nobles?s last blog ..I Wish I Could Say? =-.
For the record, you have awesome hair. :)
Being a former pastor, I feel hurt when a see a pastor fall. But sometimes, when a biggie goes down, I secretly gloat. I gloat that I never banged the secretary. I gloat that my kids arent’t drug addicts. I gloat that I never cheated people out of their retirement.
Then that still small voices echoes in my head. “Why do you judge another man’s servant?”
Its always enough to bring back enough humility to pray for them, and their families. Even the big boys have their issues. I have known a couple, and saw one of them fall. It wasn’t pretty. It was devastating to their families and to their followers. (that’s for another post)
Just rest. Rest in the knowledge that God picks your friends for you. And the connections you have are just what you need.
“banged a secretary”….
BAHAHAHahahahah!!! Thank you Deemus for that little piece of awesome!! And the rest of your words here are pretty great, too. :)
.-= Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary?s last blog ..There are Other Things I would Rather do. =-.
I tend to do what you do when I see people who have just gone down. I’ve found that everytime I have a thought like “Man, I am so glad I’m not that bad off” or “At least I never did THAT!”, something always happens and I end up in that persons shoes with a reality check.
I’m learning to stop those thoughts before they come…well, I’m trying.
.-= Lauren?s last blog ..Untitled No.3 =-.
Oh you hit the nail on the head! We often envy the life we perceive others to have, but we don’t see the whole truth! I’m sure even on a blog as honest as yours, there are many things you never share and the same is true for anyone. We often only see the surface.
I always have to remind myself that God has planned my life for me and I am NOT on the same “schedule” as everyone else. Would I like to be married and starting a family and have my name on the NY Times bestseller list? Of course! But just because my other friends have accomplished things I’d like to have accomplished, doesn’t mean their “schedule” works for me.
So it’s not just me? Thanks for this.
I have an old friend whom I hardly speak to anymore – just because our lives have gone in different directions – on FB. I finally had to hide her updates on my home page ’cause I’d get sucked in and quickly find myself completely green.
.-= Lex?s last blog ..Time to React =-.
I had to do this with some people I follow on Twitter.
I do this all the time. Especially in the fact that all I have right now that I am contributing to is my blog and project. That is it, no job, so they have become my job. Unfortunately, I play the envy game with everything. Frustrated by numbers, response, and lack of opportunities I start to get envious of others and what they have and the opportunities they get.
Ultimately I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me. I put a lot of validation in what I am doing and who knows what I am doing. I do not live in the happiness of Christ, I live in the happiness of opportunity.
Anne, from the outside I wish I was you (well, actually the male version of you) but when we start to really look at it, there are so many things that you have gone through to be where you are today and I realize that I cannot be you nor want to be you because God has used your story to help others and can use my story to help others.
both your post and Rachels have brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions.
Thanks for being open about all of this.
“I do not live in the happiness of Christ, I live in the happiness of opportunity.” – So true. I completely identify.
.-= Brett Barner?s last blog ..What I Learned While On the Farm =-.
Hello self-examination. How are you doing this morning?
This is a hard issue to escape. Our culture permeates envy! As soon as you buy the cool new phone, it’s already becoming obsolete. Get a new car? As soon as you leave the lot, it’s value majorly drops. I remember when the internet first became huge. AOL was the bomb. My friend had it. I wanted it. When high speed came along, I needed it! Now I find myself desiring wireless. It’s so tough to fight this in a culture that breeds it.
The church isn’t all that different. I secretly loathe going to events with many youth pastors around. It always turns into a peeing conest of who has the most kids, the best facility, or best resources. One of the first questions is “So…how many kids do you have in your group?” or “How many did you bring?” I find myself hiding more than mingling because it gets tiresome.
I think this is a great reminder to not only be content, but to encourage one another. Being content keeps envy down on your level, but I think to encourage helps spread that contentment a bit.
Thanks for the thoughts Anne. Now it’s time to detox!
You are not the only one for sure! I try not to compare and be thankful for the things I do have.
I will say that envy probably runs deep in bloggers more, because our lives seem so public online. Its like all bloggers started from the same starting line, but some get better deals or traffic. Its all so dumb. :)
.-= AmandaEspi?s last blog ..2010 Word of the Year: Compassion =-.
Amanda – Yeah, I’ve noticed that a lot of my jealousies spring up online. I think it’s because the Web gives us metrics for “sizing up” our (self-inflicted) competition. We compare numbers – twitter followers, comments, technoradi ratings, whatever.
But it’s a silly thing to do because some folks simply have more time to cultivate an online presence…and some folks are even paid to do it! So I try to tell myself that bloggers who have more traffic than me must be doing something that I can learn from rather than resent. But it’s tough!
.-= Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..We already failed Haiti =-.
i just wrote down notes on the subject of envy from the book Seven Deadly Sins by Jeff Cook. you should check that out thanks anne!
.-= Matthew Ryan Wood?s last blog ..Sloth and those who hunger for a life made right- Jeff Cook =-.
I think this is a great post, and I appreciate your honesty. Envy is one of the biggest things I struggle with as a Christian. It is huge for me. I often compare myself to other women, thinking I want to be prettier, happier, skinnier, better, more like they are and less like I am. And I am very envious of women I think have great marriages because I am not married, and I so want to get married. And I must admit, I, too, do a mental happy dance when someone perfect makes a mistake.
I think with all this social media now that it is easy for people to hide the broken, lonely, less-than-perfect parts of their lives. And I am not so sure that is a good thing. Because then the rest of us who do examine ourselves and see the broken parts might think there is something wrong–when really we are all flawed in some way.
You are so right….
ok. i read rachel’s post, too, and here I go at showing my ‘anne jackson’: even the graceful comment you made at her post is something that I get so envious of so often- the words I feel when reading things that touch me rarely surface for me to tell the author how much life they speak into me, how much loneliness evaporates when I read the words that set me free. I love writing, and fail most times at communicating what i feel, but at the same time, am so grateful for those who are talented at speaking what my heart needs to hear to know that I’m not alone in this life, that we’re all the same- dust and sinners. Thanks, Anne, for being so authentic and true. You seriously don’t know what it does for the mandie’s out there.
I save my happy dances for when the Chargers cause a turnover (mistake on the other team’s part)
Being in the early stage of my women’s ministry, I often find myself envious of other women who are further along with their ministry… they have their book already published, have speaking engagements lined up, etc…
Then I’m reminded of something Joyce Meyer says, “Don’t want to be someone else unless you’re willing to go through what they went through to get where they are today!”
The first time I heard Joyce say that was in 2005. I made up my mind then and there that I wanted to have what she has and that I was definitely willing to do what she did to get there!
Five years have gone by, my book is still not published and I’m not speaking anywhere; but I’m reminded of how Joyce’s ministry was put on the sidelines for 7 years as God was growing her up.
Today I’m content to be on the sidelines with my blog. God continues to grow me up. He’s put my in touch with incredible blogs like Anne Jackson, Michael Hyatt and Copyblogger, all the while helping me build content for the future.
God Bless You Anne! I adore you and never fail to learn something from you!
Thank you so much. This blog has been years in the making, really. I had my first “website” where I “journaled” in 1996 :) So…what is that…14 years ago? :) Timing is everything, nay, God’s timing is everything!
I would rather not go what she went through: molested by her father, horrible destructive marriage. It took years for God to get to her and heal her.
Every person’s story is different. We all have our “things” that God redeems us from. I used to have the same attitude. I wanted to be just like ______. Then I learned that God has them there, after they went through their trials. Now, I don’t envy folks as much. I just want God to bring healing in my life, and hope that it brings hope to those who stand where I stood.
wanted to be just like ______. Then I learned that God has them there, after they went through their trials. Now, I don?t envy folks as much
deemus is on a roll here! – amen to that brother, amen
Anne, this post is at least as ballsy as the post you mentioned. :) Hey, it’s the same with me…well, not the legions of people wishing they were me…the other way around. It’s funny how our perceptions of what must be another person’s life are so lofty, that of course we’d want to be them!
.-= Matt @ The Church of No People?s last blog ..Doubt Month: Breaking Up is Hard to Do =-.
I admire you, Anne. I’ve said that before, here and to you personally. You are a young woman with a heart for God who isn’t afraid to be ballsy and call out against injustice and dig in to help where you can.
Even though you’re wildly popular and a published author two times over, you’re one of the most humble people I have ever met. I almost wept hearing you share your heart before you spoke at Dirt. THAT is one of the things that makes you so admirable.
However, I don’t want to be you. It’s taken a long time and a lot of stuff to get me to this place and age 49. I’ve earned where I am and I’m pretty darned content with it. I’d love to have all the readers and commenters on my blog that you have on yours and I’d love to sell as many books as you have, but I’m me and I’ll just be me and let you be you and I’ll cheer you on every chance I get.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..?Looking for Goliath? kicked my butt =-.
What I’m struggling with is seeing other people doing something I know I could do (or at least I think I know I could do…..follow?) but they get the opportunities and I don’t. And then those opps lead to others which lead to others and I wonder how I can be part of solutions when I don’t have the connections to get in the conversations.
Or I’ll read a blog with a zillion hits and think, I write better than that, but no one’s reading. (Not your blog my friend. :)
That’s on a good day. On bad days it’s just plain ugly envy and discontentedness. Glad to remember I’m not alone.
.-= Jen?s last blog ..connect 4 =-.
Kinda off topic – but for fellow bloggers, one thing that can help drive up your traffic is submitting guest posts to other sites. This brings people who already like your writing to your site. It’s a little extra work, but I’ve noticed that it makes a difference in my stats.
.-= Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..We already failed Haiti =-.
I do this all the time! When I first got into student ministry I would always envy the other youth pastors that had hundreds of students and high tech worship services. One night at our local pizza buffet (which is now closed) I was helping a student with a bible study they were going to lead. As we were going through some books a guy approached us and asked us what we were doing. When I told him he said “wow I wish I was a youth pastor! I’m just a little Sunday school sub.” After that conversation I saw things a little different.
Man I need a life. I see a blogging addiction forming… :)
I’ve been wrestling with envy all day today. More to the point, with what envy really is. I love challenges..well…as long as I can win them.
Here’s my lil pickle. My wife and I are at a major crossroads in our lives. We’re just getting out of a nasty ministry experience. In fact, the whole year just hurt. It started off with a miscarriage and ended with me resigning from my position. For the first time in my life, I wish I could hit a reset button. I’ve only pictured it before…but now I want to smack the heck out of that thing like I’m playing Press Your Luck. The only majory positive thing we could find so far for this past year and a half was that it paid some bills off. (Don’t get me wrong…I saw some amazing students grow in faith.)
But now we’re facing this big ole blackness of a future. I miss having a home, friends, and being a part of a local group of Christians that are truly passionate about Him. I also want to be a dad. Would this be envy? I’m wanting what I don’t have and I see others that have it. Where does hope lose it’s purity and become envy?
I’m just curious on any thoughts you all may have.
That whole “perceived” and “perception” thing is a killer. People see the wrapper and not always what’s inside the box. They want what they THINK the wrapper represents. I do it too. I’m sure we all do. Far too often I form an image of how awesome someone’s life must be or what they must be like because they write prophetic words then I meet them, get to know them and find out their just as screwy as me… just in different ways. :)
Funny how ENVY works too. From my experience working with authors and professional speakers especially… envy seems to elevate with success. It’s almost as if there becomes a constant pressure or maybe a self induced pressure to outperform the past results, do better, reach more, etc. People start comparing results as measured by sales or engagements compared to others they deem equal or more successful. Like a cannibalizing trait. The more we get, the more we want and the more we watch the “other guy.”
God’s lap is big enough for all of us. Why should I be envious of anyone–I am my Papa Father’s daughter and He loves me and I love Him. How I relate to other people and what I write are just the overflow of my life with Him. I concentrate on my Papa Father’s love–not on plans or ministries–and envy cannot stand in the presence of His love. Focus on God, love Him with everything you have, and ask for knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. God’s love is absolute–perfect, complete, and real.
.-= patriciazell?s last blog ..#26 UNDERSTANDING CHRIST: OUTCOMES OF THE CROSS =-.
wow friend. so convicting. thanks for sharing! this is definitely an area i struggle with. it’s a shame we, as a church struggle with it too, and more sad that we struggle in secret. oh, what freedom we would see if we were honest. maybe we would find joy. peace. redemption. enocuraging and building community.
envy. my first thought…nah, I don’t struggle with that much. Then I read…I heard in your words thoughts that have crossed my mind and I didn’t want to take notice of them. Thanks for naming them for me. Now I can fight back with contentment and embrace the Grace.
In the words of Harold Coffin, “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.” Indeed, and things are rarely as we believe.
Great post.
.-= Gayle?s last blog ..Adam, Where Art Thou? You Might Be Surprised. =-.
Yes.
Thanks for your words. I pastor a small church and I have just about given up on conferences where I have to hear one more minister talk about how his church went from 4 to 4000 members. Talk about envy. and frustration. and failure.
Envy isn’t even a fun word to say. Last night I wrote the following on my blog for a study I am doing. We were talking about the Israelites in 1 Sam wanting a human king and not God as king so they could be like the other countries…”Keeping up with the Jones’ BC style.” That is just envy in a covetous way.
“What do we want most right now so we can be like other people? The people I want to be like are the ones who display a sense of peace just by being around them. The ones you just soak up God’s love from. Never seem frazzled or overwhelmed by the heaviest of burdens. Have such a strong faith/assurance in God that you are sure the strongest storm, the fiercest battle will not phase them one iota. That is what I most want right now to be like other people.”
But in reality – what we tend to envy in others is a surface and beneath – wow. We wouldn’t want that for the world. But our silly human eyes fail to see the underneath part.
.-= Chris K?s last blog ..Rest =-.
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