Leadership Summit 2

Quick post on the Leadership Summit: Asking myself two questions…

1) What is it that stirs a holy discontent in me?
2) What do I have to give back to God?

On #1, in each of us something stirrs our hearts and souls – a holy discontent. When something just isn’t right and it begins to drive us to some sort of impassioned craziness if we don’t do something about it. Many times we try and shut it off or run from it, but we should be feeding it. If it breaks our hearts, it must be breaking God’s as well – so he’ll look all across the earth to find us and choose us to be his tool to bring healing to whatever that discontent is in. Biblical reference – Moses seeing his people being beaten, then fighting each other. (Exodus 2) – God calling him to lead them out (Exodus 3)

At lunch, our pastor asked the people at our table, about 5 of us, what our holy discontent is. For once I knew exactly my answer (that never happens.)

Honestly at first I hesitated saying it. I don’t know why. I thought if I gave some canned answer I would “typically” give about equipping artists or engaging them in community (which I do feel strongly about)…I could just medicate it…one more time.

But I couldn’t. I had to say it. And I am so glad I did.

Mine is seeing broken and struggling churches, seeing those churches not getting help they need, and instead being beaten by the progressive and overextended church culture pressures that surround them. I see and weep for the effect that it has on church pastors and leaders and their families…knowing also the impact this has on the community around it – the people who are searching…..

I love my job. I love doing communications stuff. But that doesn’t keep me up at night. That doesn’t brew around in my head at 3am. THIS DOES.

I realized how much of this is tied to my past. In my comment at lunch, I said that this stirring was a new thing, within the last month – but as I reflect, it has been there for about 10 years. I saw members of my dad’s church (when I was 15 years old) attacking him and another one of our pastors. It burned a hole so deep inside and so quickly – I flipped open my bible (which being 15, I didn’t read it much) and instantly found Ephesians 4:3 – “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” I stood up in front of the church (keeping in mind I am extremely introverted in groups of more than a handful) and read the verse. I said something to the effect of, “I can’t believe that you guys call yourselves a church when you ignore a clear desire of God that’s in the Bible” and I walked out – having to pass by everyone as I went down the aisle and out the heavy wooden door. I climbed on the fire escape in the back of the building and wrote a letter to God that I still have today – pouring out my questions and asking for understanding of why we are so flawed – why so unjust to those who we are tied together with – bound and yoked to – as the body of Christ.

I never went back to that church. The next week, my dad and the other pastor resigned. Every time I would try to go to church, as soon as I saw the way they treated the leaders, or the way the leaders would lie or misuse trust, I would run. I couldn’t stand the way that my heart was breaking. After having my heart broken one last time by a youth pastor I looked up to so much – I said forget it, and didn’t go back for almost 6 years.

Now this pain – this, “Dark Night of the Soul” as James put it once and Hybels reiterated today – I know what it is.

I have no idea what to do about it.

I want to help these pastors, these churches – but who am I? A 25 year old girl with too many emotions, weaknesses, frailties…trying to understand and enter the world of a 45 year old man? (generally speaking….)

I have no idea what to do.

I just know I must.