i don’t talk about it much, but depression is something i’ve fought with most of my adult life. it usually comes and goes in seasons, and like a lot of people, it typically gets worse around the holidays.
two years ago, it got pretty nasty and i blogged about it a little bit. but last year, i really can’t say that it even affected me.
this year, it’s back to rearing its ugly head. it’s been about six weeks now and that dark cloud hasn’t left yet.
i’ve decided this time around, it’s time to try chemical help again. last time i was on medication, it didn’t help so much (in fact, it just made it worse), but a pastor and friend i deeply respect has recommended trying something new. he’s battled it for over thirty years, while leading a very large church. he has a ton of insight. he even wrote a book about it.
all this to say a few things: if you suffer from depression, i’m sorry. i know how it envelops your soul, your life, your joy, and turns you into someone you don’t want to be. if you’re married to or friends with someone who has depression, thank you for supporting them. it’s not a fun place to be either and i’m sure a lot of the time, you feel helpless and you don’t understand it. and that’s okay. and if you’re reading this, you know what? i could sure use your prayers and i bet a few of you could use mine.
again, depression isn’t something i like talking about much because, well, it’s pretty depressing. i don’t like being depressing. i like being the girl who has everything all figured out and her life’s all put together perfectly.
(let me let you in on a little secret – that’s SO far from the truth!!!)
on the other hand, depression is something many of us face one way or another, and i just wanted to say you’re not alone.
and i’m pretty sure that i’m not either.
===
Comments
53 responses to “depression and other happy things”
Hang in there. Count on my prayers. Thanks for the honesty. There are a lot of people out here that need to know that depression hits even the heroes.
Thank you. Although the depression I struggle with is no longer the “I am worthless, I want to kill myself” it still exists as an underlying feeling that, like you said, rears its ugly head periodically. Having faith doesn’t make it disappear but it does make it different…different enough to step up and admit it, deal with it, talk about it, share with others and know that it “just is”. Thanks for sharing this…and right back to you that you’re not alone.
Anne, I will definitely pray for you. I’ve been there myself and know something about how you’re feeling.
I think you’re doing one of the best things you can?something that helped me?and that’s be open to actually recognize it and talk about it. It seems like being able to stare it in the face and acknowledge it exists goes a long way towards recovering more quickly. Maybe that’s because when we’re honest with ourselves and others the amount of prayer and support and loves goes up exponentially.
Thanks for allowing your readers and total strangers the privilege to pray for and love you.
Started a new med regimen this Fall and doing a lot better myself. Hoping for your success too.
I’ll pray for you too. I’ve battled this raging war a few times especially after I had a miscarriage last year. I hope you find relief in one way or another.
XO!!
You’re definitely not alone. Ever read John Piper’s book “When I Don’t Desire God. How to Fight For Joy”? It’s helped me a lot during my dark times. Praying for you.
I got smacked down hard with my moods last fall/winter and felt so unlike myself, and went to the docs – and one of the first things we did was a blood test… Turns out my depression was totally related to my thyroid, but if my thyroid levels are off, my mood is the first to feel it (currently, I would bet a limb that my levels are too low, as all I want to do today is cry)…. It’s hard when the way you feel really doesn’t mesh with the way you WANT to feel.
i agree that the depression i struggle with is not debilitating like it was when i was younger, in fact if i open up the dsm-3 i no longer qualify for the dx. depression for me is a pervasive unhappiness admist knowing that i am loved and have most everything i could ever need or want. maybe that sets me up to feel guilty about not being happy when i “should” be…but instead i am often overwhelmed with having so much and find it difficult to just be in the moment and enjoy.
thanx anne…praying that peace and joy prevail thoughout the holidays.
Anne you described it so perfectly. Tomorrow will be our 41st wedding Anniversary and my precious, darling husband has battled depression “sticking its ugly head up” all these years and me being the cheerleading type at the first part of our marriage would tell him jokes, get a funny movie and even made funny faces, wanting desperately to help him. Finally, our daughte (bless her precious heart) actually went through depression and said “Mom, just sit by him and love him and you can’t fix it.” True words for sure. But, Anne, my heart goes out to you so deeply to let you know I pray it passes quickly without too much meds, etc. My hubby tried antidepressants, but they didn’t work. I would say giving him more and more love and not being pushy around him helps immensely!!!! And letting him vent. That helps – althought it grieves me deeply when he doesn’t think he’s successful in ANY-thing. And listen folks, it’s not self-pity; it’s genuine chemical depression. I’ve often prayed more Pastors would help each other because I know he has a degree in guidance and counseling, so he listens to problems endlessly, but then then who listens to him! I always make him a home-made “love” card about the time I think he might encounter a super down day and that does help!!!! Thanks for letting me share. The singer Kathy Troccoli has written a book “A Love, That Won’t Walk Away” and it has some great writings she wrote on the “dark nights of the soul.” Hugs, Carol
I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’ve dealt with this and still do every now and again.
I was very reluctant to take meds and still am not sure that I ever want to again, but I just thought I’d share something that a doctor once told me that was really helpful at the time. He said that dealing with depression/anxiety is like someone is asking you to do a difficult math problem while at the same time kicking you in the shin. You can’t can’t concentrate on solving the problem until you get them to stop kicking you in the shin. The medication is what stops the kicking.
There’s no right or wrong or easy answer. Everyone’s different. I just thought I’d share that.
My depression has been sneaking back up on me and finally hit me pretty hard last night. It would just be easier to stay in bed, but I know that really doesn’t help. I have a call into the doctor.
thanks for your continued transparency and reminder about how joy and i can be praying for you. :) lotsa KY love to ya…
nope, you’re not alone. i love you.
I sympathize, Anne, as I have been there. I am a soft place to fall, with ears to listen, not judge; a shoulder to cry on, not a solver of your problems, and a prayer warrior to pray over you and with you, if desired. So give me a call anytime, come sit on my porch in the woods and enjoy nature while you get a respite from life as it is now, and take whatever time you need to work through this. I’m with you in thought and prayer and am only a phone call away.
Blessings and love,
Lisa
Will keep you in my prayers.
Hi. I just saw your side bar thing that said you love snail mail. Dang, I knew we were meant to be friends. I was also thinking today about that time I almost threw up on you. Yeah…those two things practically sealed the deal for me. I am certainly praying for you. It is Monday. I have no choice. Ha ha. Whatever.
i think you need to come back to l.a. and we’ll sip tea in a euphoric cottage in north hollywood until the sun goes down. i hear depression has no room in places like these.
Thanks for sharing. My Wife shares this struggle. I had a hard time at first as I am far from being depressed and that makes it really tough on a spouse at times.
I have learned how to help and how to hurt through this walk with her. It has been a journey of ups and downs as I don’t try to “fix” her, but love and pray (which I need to do so more often) with and for her.
I pray nothing but HIS blessings on you and the others who share in this struggle and journey. I pray HIS healing touch on you and others in Jesus Name!
BLESSINGS!
I had a bout with depression a few years back (random occurrence). It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced.
You can count on my prayers!
Praying for you. Thanks for being true to the season.
I think most people in ministry deal with brokenness at some level.
I have depressive bouts every 6-9 months, for a few days usually. I’ve learned to take care of myself and ride them out. They always pass!
Prayed for you just now!
Praying for you and others who battle this in the same way.
Not sure if this is even appropriate but I’d be curious what depression looks like to you. I mean, what are some of the ways it rears its ugly head in your life?
Maybe for some of us who don’t really battle it, that might help us better understand it and know how to help others who do.
Prayers sent!
Depression is real. If you don’t acknowledge and deal with it, it will hinder you in ways you never thought imaginable. To make a long story short… I experienced depression while my husband was in Iraq. I did not know what I was was going through. I only knew that I was tired, had no desire to do anything and that it took every inch of my being to get out of the bed or take care of my children (I had 3 at the time: 6 mo, 3 & 12). It wasn’t until my neighbor and best friend confronted me (at different times). I strugged with doing anything about it, cause I didn’t think it was real and unsure of (maybe even afraid of) taking meds. I finally went to my doc and after some ‘persuading’, she finnally gave me something. You don’t realize how bad it is until you start becoming normal again. I thank God for those that were bold enough to talk about it to me. Because they not only got me through (by checking in with me daily, making sure I showered, did stuff around the house, etc), but they made me feel “normal”, in a sense. Meaning, I wasn’t the ONLY PERSON in the the world that had or was dealing with it. Thank you for being real.
Hi,
I just wanted to say that I went through and read a lot of your posts on depression a few months ago and I found them really helpful and I was so pleased you’d written about your battle.
I pray you find good medication that works quickly for you. I’ve been battling depression since my car accident a bit (brain injuries effect your dopamine levels) and it’s been so helpful to read of other people’s experiences and realise the reason why I’m feeling so crappy sometimes! I’m not going on medication at this stage as I mostly seem to be winning the battle but because of people like you sharing I will do it if I need to (for some reason I really thought it would be weak or something to do it…. I don’t really know why as I totally support other people doing it if they have to).
Hello, Flower Dust Girl:
I too suffer from depression. I have no idea what triggers a session.
I try to pray, pray, pray, when I have an attack.
I try to not let depression keep me from doing things because I am depressed.
I try to resist the inclination to stay at home and avoid people and public places. I used to go out no matter how I felt, even if it was to just buy a cup of coffee.
I have no idea what will help you, but I will pray for you.
You are not alone.
It will get better.
Peace be with you.
Marq
Just prayed for you… that God would encourage you today… that He would lift you up. Praying for a divine exchange in your life today – despair for joy.
I have been there. It is a dark place. I will remember you in prayer.
I get very intense social anxiety, something only my husband is really aware of. There have been a few occasions I have completely wigged myself out of going to a party or something. It’s not so much ‘firsts’ as it is ‘firsts where I don’t know what my role is’. For some reason that uncertainty freaks me out.
I come from a family of chronic depressives, and I’ve found that I have to have a few things to keep my head in a good place–mainly lots of time to myself to reboot and some kind of spiritual structure. That’s what works for me, so far anyway. I have considered medicating before, but avoid it because of the addiction issues in my family.
Best of luck, Anne. Your openness about the situation is appreciated.
Yes is sucks, I’ve battled it for 30 years and have anxiety up the wazoo it make’s it very hard to live life sometimes and makes you think stupid things, I have learned to realize when it is coming on (for the most part) but am actually in a huge funk right now so I thought about blogging about it today as well, I think sometimes it may be the helplessness of life that brings it on, what I mean is that there are so so many factors of life we can not control and even trusting in God becomes hard we can’t control our worlds or even sometimes control what happens in them, though we try. So at times I let life control me because I feel like no matter how hard I’ve tried, it just doesn’t change things and sometimes I get mad at God because I don’t understand why it happens like this.
a girl about 30 feet away from you is praying for you right now. (really, I’m not a great judge of distance, so maybe 20 or 50 feet!)
I deal with depression/anxiety too. And did especially after each of my pregnancies. Everything can be GREAT, but anxiety strikes and it’s hard to even fold the laundry without reminding myself to b r e a t h e. It really does suck… and no matter how hard I try I can’t “will” myself out of it when it pops up. It would be nice if it was that easy! I take Lexapro and it works great for me. For whatever reason it’s hard for the Christian world to grasp antidepressants. But I feel like God has provided it like many other medicines we don’t question these days. I hope God provides the right fit for you. :) And yes, you are definitely not alone.
I’m bi-polar which comes with depression. I’ve felt so bad I even attempted suicide once. I also experience the really fun mania!
My blog might be crazy enough to make you laugh and be uplifting, I just came off a two month manic episode.
Now I’m back to “normal” (whatever that is!) and on medication to keep my moods stabilized.
That sounds like crazy talk to me, how can a mood be stabilized? Life happens and our emotions take over, right?
Wrong! We can control our emotions by controlling out thoughts!
I’m reading a book called, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, it is helping me. At first I thought, this might be too new age….but I can agree with it and it doesn’t contradict my beliefs. Instead of “the universe” bringing good into my life I believe it is Jesus! The book basically teaches how to pray or ask for something, believe you have already received it and then think, act, and feel accordingly. By doing so you are living on a higher level, a happy level, if you will. And when you are happy good things will come to you. For me, it’s even more relevant because I feel like being a Christian I am supposed to be happy all the time, filled with the joy of the Lord.
But I’m not and I struggle. This book is helping me get to where I want to be so I wanted to mention it.
Regarding depression, my mom suffered from it for years when we were kids. I think it is each persons responsibility to make themselves happy. MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I know!
I think the mind is very powerful and with training I believe you can overcome those dark clouds with positive affirmations.
I hope my opinion brightens someones day :-)
Just keep singing, “the sun will come out tomorrow, so you gotta hang on till tomorrow” Listen to the whole Annie soundtrack if you want to really start singing and dancing!
And no matter what anyone feels, no one is ever alone and suicide isn’t the answer.
Know little about it- but it destroys lives at times. it’s too close to home for someone i love should be enjoying life at its fullest right now
i do know that I HATE IT –
i will pray for each of you by name
I have a family member dealing with it. We’re trying to figure out the best way to help. It’s tough.
Hello Anne,
I’ve followed your blog and twitter updates only a short time, but I enjoy your posts very much! I will be praying for you…
May God Bless You
It hit me hard in August of this year, some of it was probably because of circumstances but i did try some meds. I’ve been doing very well now for about 2 months. It has certainly helped me understand others who suffer from depression better.
I will continue to pray for you, please know there are many of us that love and appreciate you very much. You are awesome!
I’m sorry you are going through this. I have had depression in the past and it is horrible. Praying for you…
I love that you can write and be honest. Its a great trait that shows that you can grasp your weakness and in-spite of the difficulty use your heart to give people a glimpse of hope and confidence.
if you get a chance check out my latest blog post on worldchangers at aheartlikedavid.blogspot.com
Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts and stories.
My wife and I both suffer from depression. I hate it. I wasn’t always like this.
You are on my prayer list.
Thanks for sharing it.
Anne, my husband and daughter both take medication for depression and probably will the rest of their lives. It is hard to see them suffer although I thank God for the meds that seem to help them so much. I too have struggled with feeling hopeless although mine is more situational in nature and meds never really helped me. I just tend to get upset about specific stuff and get really down over it – the price of a sensitive soul perhaps. I don’t know.
You are in my prayers, friend. Remember that exhaustion can really affect those who suffer from depression. You have had a busy, busy fall. You might need to rest and recover from these big events to regain your equilibrium. I’m sorry if I sound like a mom, but it’s something I’ve really noticed with my family. Sleep is a must.
Praying for peace, for joy, for solace for your soul.
Hey Anne…you have my prayers as well. My wife struggled with postpartum depression, but didn’t know it until much, much later. I am amazed that we made it through that spell intact, actually. I also struggle with depression, and I know that it is a struggle sometimes to get going, or even do what you normally do. So I will pray that this season will be over soon. I will second all the other comments. Talking about it really is the best way to overcome. The more people that “know” about it, the more people who can pray for you and walk you through it. My wife has a hard time most days when I am down, because she doesn’t understand, or she thinks she did something. But the more I communicate with her, the better able she is to walk beside me and pick me up. God bless!
As a doctor and a Jesus-freak and a recovered serotonin-depleted person, I say Praise God for Zoloft (or your favorite SSRI)!! It took me YEARS to finally get over my pride in not taking medicine. (I’m NOT saying that is your issue at all!!) I always thought that all I needed was God/Jesus (he’s all-powerful right?) and a better attitude (or more personal prayer or something . . . ), but really He was trying to teach me humility – telling others about my “stuff” and taking that little pill every day. (Again, not saying this necessarily applies to you – just my story.) Will pray for wisdom for you as you find your path to feeling better. (But better get started soon, it takes 6 weeks for the medicine to start working!!) :)
i can totally relate. try to keep your eyes more on Him and less on your issues. thanks so much for sharing…praying for you, friend. don’t worry, you will rise above this.
Thank you for sharing…I truly believe in speaking out ones infimaties…I think it somehow loosens the enemy’s grip on us when we speak out what we struggle with. I too struggle with depression. I am in the mist of my season. God’s word for me in my present season has been “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” I speak it over and over out loud till it sinks in. God Bless!
small church pastor in phoenix with my own battle of dysthymia. Gary has been a model in living and he’s preaching at my church on Nov. 30. thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your courage to blog about this. I’ve only recently begun seeking help with my depression. It’s strange, I feel like I’m the only “guy” that deals with this. My girlfriend has been a great support. But as far as friends, or even church community, I’m seen as an outcast. My area is full of “Christians” who are progressive thinkers and doers. In the midst of forward progression, there are people who are hurting inside, like myself. Where are the Christians during this time? Who will show grace to someone who loves Christ but his/her soul bleeds for everyone to see? I have yet to meet these people in Maryland. I feel like Paul should write a Romans 15 letter to the Christians in my area.
Thank you for being brave to write about this. Wow, another Christian who suffers from depression. I have been diagnosed for ten years, on medication for most of that and when I tried to go off the meds, within about two years, it reared its ugly head with avengence (sp). I will be on meds for the rest of my life without question. And I’m perfectly okay with that. And if other people aren’t okay with that, then they don’t understand and that’s okay – they’re lucky that they don’t have to understand. I view my meds as nothing different than insulin. We in the church don’t tell our diabetic parishiners (wow, I really can’t spell today) to not take insulin, or that they have diabetes because they have a small faith.
Prayer and reading scripture aloud are wonderful things to do. But in the midst of an attack the only thing a person can do sometimes is to ride the wave, keeping in mind that it will eventually ebb.
I just had an anxiety attack that lasted almost a month. It was horrible. It was intense and I don’t think my heart rate was normal once throughout the entire attack. I’ll be going to the doctor when I return home (been TDY) because it verged on paranoia. It was scary. It was completely debilitating. It was exhausting. I’m still recovering from it.
BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE ME A LESSER CHRISTIAN. (The emphasis is meant for me, because I still struggle with this – with the truth).
I’ve learned that even those who have depression/anxiety should not be giving advice to others with the same disorder. Even well meaning advice is usually not applicable because it seems to be such a personal thing. We each have to learn our own ways of getting through it. But prayer? Prayer is always welcome. And I will be praying for you. And thanking God that you wrote about this.
In the meantime, good luck and blessings to you and hopes that you find your answer quickly.
Thanks for sharing. The words “treatment resistant” were recently added to my diagnosis, which is unspeakably overwhelming.
Sometimes (ok, most of the time) depression makes no sense, but then again neither does peace.
The waiting is the hardest, not being in control, wanted to be better but having to accept that for right now, things are a mess.
I pray that you find a medicine that helps, and that you find yourself surrounded by love and support and people that are ready to walk with you through the mess rather than trying to “fix” you.
Being “the girl who has everything all figured out” is overrated. . .
“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God’s grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, ‘A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.”
— Brennan Manning
Anne:
I just wanted to say that I will pray for you. I am taking Zoloft – have been off of it and then on it again. Doc says probably is best to stay on it. Started in 1993 – my father died 6 months after my son was born – could be a combination of those, but I was in a very dark time in my life.
I would appreciate your prayers for my husband. He has suffered with depression for most of his life. Most recently was diagnosed as bipolar disorder II – he has not been able to work (off for almost a year). They are trying to determine the best meds for him – not too much success. Insomnia, irritability, sad and feelings of despair. He has pretty much turned from God and yet I am confident that God has not turned from him.
I understand completely how depression is viewed by others. So many have told me I should give him an ultimatum regarding work, etc.
God has given me His peace but sometimes I let my own emotions take over. Don’t mean to go on and on. Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing your story.
Paula
My heart has been swinging back and forth into the scary zone of my depression and anxiety. It doesn’t make sense, and it really just is not fair. My life completely changed when I went to a counselor who centered her practice around our Lord and gave me ways to step out of my depression/anxiety and not let it control me. I never thought it could be possible, but I have gone a year with only suffering about five major draw backs. I am so proud to say that we live for a God as strong and as loving and as perfect as ours, and I just want you to know that you are most certainly not alone…we feel your pain…we feel your loneliness…and we want you to feel our prayers this day.
PS – I hid in the “girl who has everything figured out” closet for a very long time and figured once I let the shackles of depression loose, I should stop hiding. It’s served me well so far…
Good luck, my friend.
i am there, too.
thanks for the reminder that it’s not alone. and there’s no shame in being a woman in ministry who struggles with depression.