If you’ve been around these parts for any amount of time, you know I’ve wrestled with seasons of anxiety, depression, and even a time where a shrink thought I was bi-polar II (I wasn’t). One of the crazy (ha!) things about mental health is it’s really difficult to diagnose and if you’re serious about getting healthy (Note: Not fixed, not medicated, but healthy), you agree to subject yourself to a myriad of paths to find that health. Paths like:
- A commitment to be healthy physically – heal thyself. All the stuff you hear about eating well and exercising truly plays a large role in your mental health. Will it cure you? Maybe. Maybe not.
- A commitment to be healthy spiritually – this is so when those uneducated folk say you just need to pray more, you can, with confidence and tact, tell them to shut up. But seriously, spend time with God. He wants to be with you in these seasons.
- Medication – sometimes with horrible side effects. It is a roulette. I’ve been on medication that made me hallucinate and have paranoid thoughts before. Meds that made me have MORE panic attacks. Meds that made me gain weight. Meds that made me have brain zaps. Meds that numbed me out where I couldn’t laugh or feel anything. I’ve also had meds that work wonderfully. When you find those medications, you praise Jesus like there’s manna raining down from heaven above..
I had my first panic attack at the age of 14 and a roller coaster of neuro-transmitting madness in my 20s. Things mostly balanced out in my 30s until the last few years when I thought a brief spell of sadness and apathy would resolve like it normally did.
But it didn’t.
We moved to Lubbock a little over a month ago and within the first couple of weeks, the depression only intensified. Thoughts of harming myself crept in and wouldn’t go away. I made an appointment with a doctor and after a really good conversation (tip: doctors who listen are seriously the best), I started on 10 tiny milligrams of prozac – an SSRI that helps treat depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts.
My previous experience with SSRIs have been terrible. Literally. Terrible. So I was nervous to start, but I knew I couldn’t not. I had to jump back into that game of medication roulette.
This time, I decided I would get nerdy about it. If I went back to the doctor in a month and he asked how I was doing, I would probably think of how I felt overall in the last few days.
I wanted to see if prozac was really working for me, and if so, how well. I needed quantitative data.
So I charted. I pulled out my spreadsheet and I got to work.
I took six positive mental health characteristics (like energy and optimism) and four unhealthy characteristics (like apathy and anxiety) and rated them on a scale from 0 to 10 (0 being “not experiencing”; 10 being “fully experiencing”) and I went to town. Each night I would simply note what number I felt best represented how that day went with 10 of those characteristics.
Three weeks in, I have some cool looking charts that are providing me (and my doctor) with some good information.
You can click on it to see it full-size.
The top chart represents those healthy characteristics and the bottom chart represents the unhealthy ones. The hope is to see the top chart slowly climbing up while the bottom chart is steadily kerplunking down.
A few interesting observations which I wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for a visual aid:
- About every 7th day I have a rough day. You can see the top chart spike down and the bottom chart punch up.
- While most of the healthy qualities are increasing and the unhealthy are decreasing, my anxiety is still pretty consistent, with it really going through the roof during certain times of the months when my hormones are crazy.
I’ve had people contact me before about their mental health, asking if it was a sin (no), if medication helps (usually), and how do we know if it’s working (here you go). Being aware (but not overly aware) of where we are weak and where we are strong and how we are changing by making healthful choices can truly provide huge relief where you’re struggling and where it seems hopeless.
You’re not alone, you never are, and you’re not “less than” if you feel your life is caught up in a whirlwind of seemingly uncontrollable anxiety, sadness, fear, loss, pain, or confusion. Speak about it. Speak openly about it. Ask for help. People want to help. Ask for prayer. People want to pray. Just know – even though you feel alone and those voices in your head are confirming it – you are not.
You are loved because you are His and because you are His, we all belong to each other.
Much love,
Anne Marie
Comments
25 responses to “Depression, Prozac, And Where I Come Out As a Nerdy Girl”
I have used a free app called MoodTracker to help me keep tabs on how severe my depression was. I was in the midst of what I suspected was a significant dip in my mood, and I thought it would be helpful to actually be able to see a graph so I could pass that info on to my therapist. I’ve gotten out of the habit of checking in (something I only tend to remember when things are NOT GOING WELL), but I think it would probably be even more helpful if I tracked faithfully through good seasons, too.
Brenda, is this the MoodTracker site (http://www.moodtracker.com), or T2 Mood Tracker, or something else? A Google search finds way too many possibilities. Also, are you talking iPhone or Android?
It’s the T2 Moodtracker from the Apple App Store. Hope that helps!
Awesome sauce! Thanks. As someone who has virtual feet on both sides of the mobile wars, I can also include that T2 Moodtracker does have an Android version as well.
I’ll check that out! Thanks!
I love it when you get nerdy. (lol!)
You’ve hit upon an awesome idea, at least for those who can quantify such things. I’m almost too nerdy, in that I’d need some sort of detailed measurement scale that would be consistent for the tracking period, and … well, you get the idea.
One thing that people need to recognize and admit is that, sometimes, our bodies are out of our own control. Women still doing the “monthlies” should be fully aware of that (and so should their men). Diabetics are painfully aware of that, and so are cancer patients. Yet only a few actually throw the “s-word” at those people. Those of us with depression, panic & anxiety disorders, stress disorders, those of us with brain issues, emotional abuse damage, and other oft-times physical issues (as we’re now discovering) get the old “don’t say that in church” feeling. (Gee, sounds like a book I once read. :) )
Since I just saw “Beating Burnout” in the sidebar, I should note that burnout of the type we’ve both faced is probably also embedded into this mix. (So that’s two book references now.) I could say that we need an Interlude in which we can lean on each other, but that’s a bit overboard on book references, and sometimes it’s not enough.
Sometimes the damage requires additional measures, as you say.
Love you, girl (in a way that Tim doesn’t need to feel jealous, so he can put that axe down).
Axe is down. :) Haha. Thanks for the great thoughts, Joe!
I had a period of about 18 years where I absolutely lost my joy. Medication was a lifesaver. Prozac started on my path to healing and Wellbutrin led me to a time where I could find my joy (back to Jesus, no less) again. Medication is a wonderful thing. And if you’d take it for high blood pressure or diabetes, then you should take it for depression, anxiety, or whatever you need to take it for.
Amen! Wellbutrin made me a crazy person! :) It is working wonders on Tim though!
Hence the term “practice” when it comes to doctors. We don’t know enough about biochemistry to know when one drug that heals some will hurt others, and vice versa.
I know you know West Texas in and of itself can be super depressing. Especially in the brown-sky Dirt Season. I’d leave open flexible weekends occasionally for a spontaneous getaway to somewhere beautiful, whether it’s the mountains or lake or wherever. Lubbock’s nicer than most “cities” out there but don’t feel bad when you really. need. to. get. out. :)
Haha…so many West TX haters in here! JK. I truly do love it out here. As I said in another comment – it is home and innocence for me. But Tim needs green and texture other than dust storms. :)
thanks for the geekiness of your post. at my age, i don’t think of doing something as smart as making a spreadsheet for charting those characteristics. (i’m not a spreadsheet kind of person.) but it would be immeasurable help to your dr. in treating you for sure. you might need some “as needed” meds for those spiky times for anxiety…not so you will be numb…just so you can function better. great idea! i need to do that to have a better idea re my own depression and side effects of my meds.
so often i have much more of a subjective handle on my depression and side effects when being more objective about both would be more helpful in the treatment and the awareness of the problem. thanks anne marie. great idea!
also, just wanted to add, i’m not sure about you, but i find the first 1-2 years after moving tend to be very rocky for me in a variety of ways. year one is difficult b/c i have not idea where to find things and am generally disoriented about everything! year 2 is when i feel more oriented but am getting more settled in with the deeper friendships. often the earlier ones (as a pastor’s wife) tended to fall away and i was finding the people who would b/c the real friends. in retirement, it isn’t as much that way b/c people aren’t becoming my friends b/c of something they perceive they have to gain by the friendship. i know you probably aren’t in that same situation, but that was how i discovered things worked for me. i’m now in year two of our move in retirements…still trying to find my groove really. will be praying for you in the move. i can’t even imagine living in west TX:( i do hear the sunsets are stunning! (i’m a gardener.) ok, i’ll stop rambling.
You bring up a good point. Any type of major life-change can knock you off your feet. Marriage, divorce, and even church changing (which can happen without you leaving it) can mess with your support system.
The sunsets are stunning! I truly love West Texas – it is home, it is innocence for me. :) My husband will need those breaks more than I do!
I was just reading along, enjoying your charts and data (fueling my inner-sociologist), until I got to the last 2 paragraphs, and my heart simultaneously stopped and pounded inside me. Oh how my heart and mind needed (needs – always) this.
“You are loved because you are His…” — if only this could be my most prominent thought always.
Your vulnerability to us as readers is inspiring and fueling. Thank you!
Thanks for the encouragement! I’m a sociology major so…you can see where I get this from! :) And yes, that last line…it is what I need to have running through my head as well…
The Holy Spirit gave this to me this evening as I’ve been fighting a nasty panic attack (related in part to memories of the uncaring swarm of kids who tried to heist me for candy when I had just pulled into the garage to grab something for my wife, who was in the hospital discovering her liver cancer … Not a good time to poince on an introvert, people!).
Panic and anxiety attacks, for those of us with the physicsl disorder, are as controllable as muscle cramps. To those who don’t have them, try to think “positive” or read Scripture the next time you have a nasty cramp or muscle spasm, record the results, then consider that panic, anxiety, and depression for some of us are just as [un]controllable. Shall we add a Thou Shalt Not Spazz?
I have struggled with depression since my early 20s (probably earlier). I am now 56, & after countless meds & drs, I am still trying to find something that really works for me. I have only felt halfway there with the meds that did work for me. However, after a while even they didn’t work enough. Right now I am again trying a new med after weaning off Cymbalta for over 2 mths (that was a nightmare). I have found no one truly understands unless they have experienced it. Prayers for you & all going through this.
Thank you for sharing this Anne Marie! Just read it tonight, and tonight was just the time I needed to read it. I love that . . .
I’m glad for the ideas about charting and/or using an app. I suspect you didn’t lose interest in it on the better days becasue you were tracking both pos and neg thoughts/emotions. I’m glad this was constructive for you and I’ll pass on the idea to my wife. Still, I know how frustrated and hopeless people feel who suffer with these issues. You want a cure, not a management method. Being content with management is a huge part of my wife’s life and a huge motivator of her hope in Jesus that—in the next life—she will be whole.
“You want a cure, not a management method.”
Well said, Lon!
Indeed, well said. There were days when I flat out forgot, but would remember the next morning. I think the nerd in me outweighed the depression, or, at least it gave me a sense of control. You’re right. It is frustrating and some days feel intolerable, but one day…until then, I am thankful for the mercies I experience as a result of my brokenness.
I was on a SSRI for 15 years which controlled my anxiety and depression well until…it just quit working. Now I’m working with a Psychiatrist to find different meds that will work again. It’s been scary…your post has been such a help in my not feeling alone and hopeless. Thank you for your transparency.
You are NOT alone!