Sex and pornography are not the enemies, but we are in a fight.
A quick timeline, for those of you who might be new here.
1996: A youth pastor I trust sexually violates me. Also my first introduction to online pornography, which later becomes a compulsive behavior. (Compulsive sexual behaviors are not classified by the DSM as addictions – at best, they’re hypersexual disorders, which still doesn’t define what I would consider pornography addiction to be. Anyway, carry on.)
2001: A friend opens up to me about her pornography habits, masturbation, and lust. Her choosing to “go first” gave me permission to share with her the shame I carried. Over the course of a couple years, we take a holistic approach to recovery.
2006: I write an article on how girls can be addicted to pornography for Relevant.
2007: I speak for the very first time to a youth group and on a radio station in Dallas on how porn’s not just a guy’s problem.
2008: God finds my fear of public speaking humorous as more and more speaking requests come in. I’m now visiting churches, colleges, and conferences with this story while working full time at a church.
2009: My first book comes out and my speaking schedule is enough to keep the bills paid. I’m now a full-time self-employed author and speaker. This continues for the next five years.
2013: After speaking at youth camps over the summer, I write a letter to parents about what they don’t know about their kids and sex based on the experience. By the end of the week, 1.5 million people read the darn thing. I am asked to speak even more about pornography and freedom.
2014: I’ve had six speaking engagements on this topic and five of them I’ve been sick for. I’ve gone to the ER three times the week before these talks. That’s how sick I was. One I was so sick for I had to cancel and reschedule it. The first time, I chalked it up to bad luck. But now…in 83% of my speaking engagements only on this topic I’ve been tempted to cancel because of illness or injury? I am starting to feel like there’s a target on my back. (It should be noted that I rarely get sick. The last time I got really sick was in 2010.)
I don’t write this blog post from a state of fear (okay, maybe a little bit…!) But instead, it has only clarified to me the need for discussions to happen. I spoke at a high school night at a church in town last night. I was handed about 10 index cards with questions from the students after I was done speaking and one girl was insightful enough to say, “Why are these conversations about lust generally directed toward guys when women struggle with it just as much?”
Good, honest question. I responded with “Yes, girls are frequently left out of this conversation, but most churches don’t even touch this with their guys.” More churches are, and I’m thrilled. But most churches are not.
Here is my challenge to you, my manifesto, the hill I will die on, and also what I instructed the girls to do last night.
Make a ruckus. Make your leaders talk about this.
We are in a fight. We frequently point blame to the media and to pornography and to sex as the enemy. These things, especially sex, are NOT the enemy. Sex is a beautiful thing that we’ve been given to express love to our spouse. The media and pornography are simply tools the enemy uses to break us down, to addict us, to cause us to carry shame instead of strength and hopelessness instead of hope.
Our enemy is Satan. Plain and simple.
The reason I think we are in the heat of the fight is because I know I’m feeling the heat. And if I’m just one person out of many who are sharing this message that freedom and hope are both possible and necessary, I know there are others who are fighting to speak up, too.
Here’s what you can do:
- Pray. Pray always. Pray for your family, your church leaders, and the people who are called and committed to sharing the message of God’s grace and hope to those broken by addictive behaviors and our children who are slammed with images and easy access.
- Know what your family’s doing. Have conversations that are uncomfortable. Set limits and boundaries on the internet and even how your child will respond to pressure when you’re not there. Have you made a plan with him or her when someone else brings over their phone at school that has an inappropriate image on it? Have that talk.
- Fight. Statistics tell me over half the people reading this are in a battle of their own. Please get help. Tell someone. Tell just one person. Do whatever is necessary, even if it’s extreme, to fight for freedom.
- Love your enemies. We can’t get angry at the media or the pornography industry. We also need to pray for the people trapped in there. Statistically, a lot of them don’t want to be there. Pray the love of God is so bright that darkness doesn’t exist anymore.
- Talk to your church leaders. Whoever is in charge of what is talked about at your church, ask them about this. Heck, relentlessly ask them about addressing this topic with adults, with students, and from a parenting point of view. Engage your church in a prayerful revival expectant on God to deliver those who are trapped and to use others who aren’t to heal. WE NEED EACH OTHER.
- Learn. I’ve created two resources pages for you with books I’ve read or trust enough to recommend. First, 20 Resources for Parents (you need to scroll down just a little) and I’m working on a new resource page with some nerdy brain books I love as well as some other books on pornography and women and talking to kids. You can get to that page here.
Please join me in this fight. This is one where denomination doesn’t matter, socioeconomics don’t matter, your age doesn’t matter. We need to link arms as the body of Christ and fight the enemy from stealing so many precious and good things from us.
We got this. And God’s got us.
Comments
20 responses to “Sex and Pornography Are Not the Enemies”
Great stuff, Anne, and sorry it has been such a fight and it really does sound like you’ve been targeted on this one so great job on inviting us to have your back in prayer and might be worth putting together a group of people you know and trust or even extending the invite to your social networks for a prayer team who you can send your schedule to and they back you up in prayer.
Such an important topic and so destructive – wrote about my own story [and a few of my friends shared theirs] over here: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/taboo-topics-pornography-and-masturbation-intro – and just needs to be brought into the light as much as possible.
He is bigGER
Strength in Him
love brett fish
Great ideas and link. Thanks as always Brettb
Ugh, brett……you think I could edit comments from my phone. Nope.
Well said and much needed Anne. A hill worth dying for. If only it had been talked about years ago when I was growing up.
Thank you. At least now we can start changing things!
Anne:
When I pastored a church my sickest days were always Sunday. My worst fights with my wife were always Sunday morning. The days I woke up most depressed were always Sunday morning.
Hmm. Maybe scripture is right about us being in a spiritual battle. Those sitting in the safety of the back lines don’t feel the heat of battle. But those out doing battle on the front lines sure do.
So some observations that has helped me.
First, if you were not out waging war against Satan he would have no reason to attack you. So it means you must be making a difference.
Second, I am guessing you already do this but take very seriously putting on the spiritual armor everyday however you interpret that.
And third, as was suggested before have a group praying God’s protection on you.
We truly do not fight against flesh and blood but against spiritual enemies.
I will be praying for you too.
God’s blessings on you in your ministry.
You are the fourth person today to remind me I need a team of people praying…I’m taking the hint!
Thank you my sister for sharing. Praying for you.
Thank you!
[…] When we talk about sex and pornography, how do we keep getting it so darn wrong? Anne Jackson has had the opportunities to speak all over the place about these issues, and offers some clarification on why these things are not our enemy. […]
Great post Anne! Know that Melody and I are praying for you as you battle on the front lines with this issue. We couldn’t agree more about the need for the church to begin to talk openly and honestly about sex and sexuality.
We have some upcoming initiatives that I’d love to talk to you about that are addressing many of the same issues. We are all about collaboration…especially on an issue as important as this one. I will email you separately.
Your Brother in the Battle!
Traylor
I’ll be on your prayer team. The enemy wants us to look at this as an impossible fight and give up but we have to trust God and suit up!
Thank you for your willingness to be so transparent. When I find myself coaching or sharing with someone going through a difficult situation of any nature, I encourage them to do what I have dubbed as “facing the wind”. It is instinctively human to want to take flight, run and hide from anything that brings discomfort, but some of the worst and aggressive types of toxins grow in the dark. We were designed and created as sexual creatures. Acknowledging and choosing to discipline yourself has a lot more tread and is far more comfortabke than denial.
Anne, thank you for the stand you are taking on biblical sexuality! I’m sorry for all that you’ve endured from men who didn’t respect you :( but thankful for the healing that God has given you. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy. :(
Just one question that sits in the back of my mind–you mentioned how one girl asked:
“Why are these conversations about lust generally directed toward guys when women struggle with it just as much?”
There seems to be a lot of discrepancy about just what percentage of girls/women actually struggle with lust and pornography–especially among women themselves (older and younger generations included).
I don’t ask to be divisive, but rather because I believe the church needs to understand how men and women differ in their temptation to (and struggles with) lust and pornography. Until that is honestly addressed and determined, there’s going to be a lot of resident misunderstanding and wrong assumptions made.
Greg, though I don’t think it would be problematic to pursue a final verdict on the question, I disagree with your conclusion. I don’t think we need to determine whether (or to what degree) lust affects males and females differently in order to free ourselves from bad assumptions & communicate more effectively. All that is needed is a simple presupposition, namely, that members of both genders struggle with lust in ways that can create shame if allowed to fester in secret. This will prevent one from inadvertently making any person feel unnecessarily weird or odd by using potentially harmful, gender specific language.
David, just one question: how can you address something–let alone minister to–something you don’t understand? That is what’s happening in our churches and culture.
What you deem as “harmful, gender-specific language” is actually the root of the problem–making the assumption that the majority of men and women struggle in the same way(s). They don’t, and the church needs not only to acknowledge this, but identify the ways in which women themselves differ on this amongst themselves; yet another area of concern.
Good stuff, Anne Marie. Keep up the good work.
This is excellent, Anne. Much needed in the churches. Thank you.
Hey Anne!
As I was reading this most excellent (yet again) piece the following book came to mind:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Godly-People-Ungodly-Things-ebook/dp/B003WEA50G/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1437750321&sr=8-3&keywords=when+good+people+do+bad+things
I read it a few years ago & it put the battle we are a part of into perspective for me as we watch not only our youth, but leaders with stellar walks crashing & burning after many years of faithful service. I think you’d find it interesting as well & a strategic help in the battle we are engaged in…
Blessings & prayers over you & yours.
MEd
Why are we surprised when “stellar” leaders fall? The church is full of people wearing masks; sad, but true.
…and we wonder why persecution of the church is so rife and happening at alarming rates…