First let me begin by saying, wow, you guys. The flu is a terrible, terrible thing.
I thought I caught the flu the day after New Years. I was sick a few days, then I was okay for a couple.
Then sick a few more days, and fine for the next four.
Last Sunday night, my body hurt so terribly and I felt just so awful, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I set up a doctor’s appointment. I was running a low fever and my flu test was negative. My doctor said I had pneumonia. My chest rattled when I breathed and I couldn’t stop coughing. Antibiotics, make-me-loopy cough syrup, good to go.
I woke up Tuesday afternoon and could not stop shaking. Not shivering. Shaking. I took my temperature. 101. 30 minutes later, I felt even worse. I took my temperature again. 103.3. I was on Advil and my temperature was still 103.3? A phone call later, I was on my way to the ER where I learned I didn’t have pneumonia, but I did have the flu.
I don’t remember much of last week, but I think I’m on the mend.
I’ve never had the flu before (and I will be getting flu shots from now on) so I had no idea something could make me stay still the way it did. I didn’t touch my computer all week. All I could do was think.
Thinking for a week is not necessarily a good thing for me. I tend to get wrapped up in layers of self-doubt, self-pity, and even some bitterness and jealousy. Even if I try to refocus my thoughts on what’s good, my tendency to reflect in everything I’ve done wrong or that I’m not doing as well as I’d like takes over.
I was tired enough because of the flu, and with my mental defenses destroyed, I found myself in a big puddle of giving up.
I wanted to give up.
No, I want to give up.
I still do.
One thing you don’t want to do while sweating through all of your clothing because of a fever is go online. If you do, and if you’re like me, you’ll end up feeling like everyone has their life put together. They hustle and you don’t want to even get up to get a Powerade, much less do any work. They post about the great people they wine and dine with, and you forget to find gratitude for the friends who rushed to the hospital to pray with you, who brought you meals and medicine.
You feel so overwhelmed and you feel so small all at the same time.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but I tend to have so much to do…I try and prove myself or reinvent myself or tell myself that if I do this or that maybe-just-maybe I’ll feel like I’ve made a difference, that I’m worth something to someone, that I’m contributing whatever it is that God gave me to contribute to this world. I preach a message that tells people about the beauty of simply being, about rest and about health, yet if I think about my to-do list, I feel sick to my stomach. I feel small and overwhelmed and because I’m not as popular as this person or because some other person who has an important title doesn’t email me back, that somehow I’m a failure.
THAT IS JUST NOT TRUE.
Maybe you’re like me (I can empathize). You work so hard to write, to share, to be a mom or a dad or a wife or a husband or a good friend and your heart burns with such fury to do just one thing that makes a difference. All the while every message you take in from the outside world, from the voices you respect (and maybe the ones people tell you that you should respect) tells you it’s not enough. If it was enough, you’d have that viral blog post, that book deal, or just one single comment or message about that super-important thing you shared with the world. You feel small and overwhelmed.
This – by all industry standards – is not a good blog post to write. I have no answers for you. No three-steps to finding peace in chaos or security where you feel frail.
This is just me saying (to the both of us):
YOU are NOT alone in this.
The chaos you feel is a lie from Satan that wants to draw you away from your identity in Christ.
It is not your job to save the world.
It is not your job to even save one single person.
It is your job to delight and worship your creator.
To walk the path he set for you, even if it’s not glamorous, or exciting, or what you expected.
Rejoice in Him.
Cry out to Him.
Strangely, as we become more desperate for God, that sense of desperateness leads us to great peace.
Comments
26 responses to “For When You Feel Overwhelmed and For When You Feel Small”
Thank you so much for writing this and even more for posting it. This is exactly what I was talking about with my husband last night and exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you, Anne.
Thanks Emme!
Anne-
My wife preached on Sunday (from Acts 1-4) and she made this observation: That those who gather together to go out to do God’s purposes, will typically care for those in need. But those who gather only to care for one another’s needs, usually do not wind up going out to do God’s purposes. Interesting irony, I think….
So what’s my point? That in a similar manner, while “blogging world” may say to NOT be vulnerable, I think the irony is that those who share their vulnerabilities typically have the greater impact in others’ lives.
I’m not sure which Catalyst speaker said it once, but that when we see the “stars” at conferences, all we see is the presentation. We don’t see the life behind it, the flubs, the poor decisions; we only see the well crafted message. Personally, I think greater credibility comes from those who, like King David, show their weaknesses and the struggle to overcome.
Press on! and gesundheit! (Hope you’re feeling better)
John Waldo-I also think that carries over to the “heroes” we read of in the Bible….sometimes we think that just because we can race through the accounts of their lives in a short period of time, they didn’t have a long process of “becoming” who they ultimately were. And, not only that, it was largely a result of much time spent walking with a God who was faithful in spite of their faithlessness that created even the possibility of their becoming who they were, not anything that they manufactured in & of themselves….Blessings upon you Anne as you walk with the One whose image you were destined to bear & in whom we “live & move & have our very being!” I see Him in you/your journey via your words…
Thank you both for your wonderful comments!
YES. Anne, this is your gift to us: “YOU are NOT alone in this.” I thought of you yesterday as I was so so sick of reading Bible verses all over the internet and just burned out of all this Christianese. It was so good to know people (you) have written books on this. This taboo subject of feeling worn out and silenced and too broken. Those lies from the enemy are so strong it’s hard to know they are lies sometimes. Thank you for speaking Truth and relating and being so genuine. Just knowing we’re not alone helps so much.
Thank you! I can be guilty of putting verses up too. :) But I try to keep a good balance!
This resonates too much my heart. I know what you mean by looking at your schedule and just feel exhausted. I’m in ministry with the youth of my church, I play in the worship team, I meet almost everyday for counseling and encouraging teenagers, and I feel that I can’t really stop! My church is small, broken, and in a transition with no pastor. I really feel that I can’t leave them alone! There is so much pain, so much need to be heard… I don’t know, I’m not planning to play heroe but at the same time it’s hard to just don’t bother…
Anyway, sorry for that rant and thank you very much for your words, specially those at the end:
“It is not your job to save the world.
It is not your job to even save one single person.
It is your job to delight and worship your creator.”
Big hug from Chile!
Hola! Thank you for what you do and how you serve. I’m grateful!
i had my flu shot and got sick b/f xmas. i didn’t have a fever but have been dragging since. last week, my dr. told me that the flu shot probably kept me from a fever and definitely pneumonia but i probably DID have a mild flu. on top of it, turned out my thyroid was out of whack!
not a good way to start the new year…all those great plans to finish getting settled from a recent move! get my life in order? lost some weight?
forget it! this past week i’m been emphasizing how much Jesus loves me/us. how we don’t have to earn His love! and taking it easy on my body so it can heal. i write it for others, but it’s really for myself!
i see it is the same for you:) for my IRL friends, I’ve always told them, “as a pastor’s wife, I can tell you that all those people you look at who seem to have it together and all perfect? It isn’t true! Anyone can get dressed up to look nice on Sunday. The more they feel they need to look that way, the harder they work at it.” think about it!
Hope you are feeling better – ugh! Good stuff!
i don’t want 3 Steps to Anything. I can listen Mr. Smiley-all-the-time if I wanted that (which I don’t so i don’t…at all). i want real. I want to read someone like me who struggles with life. Who finds life stinks sometimes. Keep it real Anne. That is all I ask.
Thanks as always, Bill! :)
‘It is not your job to save the world.’
Yes, yes. We are not the Holy Spirit. The pressure’s off …
Amen!
This post was exactly what I needed to read. I too have the flu which has put me down for the last five days with only a few signs it may be finally releasing it’s iron grip. And I too have not been able with a cloudy scrambled brain to even think about writing. So while drifting in and out of sleep I wonder why I am even trying. What difference am I making? Why not just leave it to those who are so much more gifted like Anne Miller? And here you are today saying the same things. Amazing.
Not sure where it all leads but I’m not ready to give up the dream just yet.
Maybe I’m just feeling a little better too.
By the way take care of yourself because you do make a difference in so many lives.
Thank you Doug. Sounds like we had the same last few days! Today was a day of pushing through…I think it did me some good. Now if this cough would go away!
ah Anne, so great, love your honesty and your you’ness… thankx for sharing – i am sure and incredible amount of people relate and really needed to hear this today…
wrote a very simple but very much different post today to try and remind people of a simple truth that we so easily forget or gloss over – hope it encourages you: http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2014/01/28/god-loves-you-part-i
keep on
love brett fish
‘Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.’ [Dr Seuss]
Great stuff, Brett. Love how God speaks to you!
Hey Anne
I could write a super long story about how encouraging and inspirational this blog was… and it was but i just wanted to say – THANKS!!!!! :)
Thank you. Every word of encouragement helps me fight off those “I wanna quit” voices. Grateful!
Thanks for this, Anne. Like you, I learned some valuable lessons when I was sick one time. Our presence and work is a privilege, you know? I’m grateful for the reminder you’ve given.
So true!
Praying that you’ll feel better steadily. But hope this bit of feedback will also encourage you a little. A short while ago – before Christmas? Thanksgiving? – you and Tim volunteered to pray for anyone who asked for it. (Bet you got swamped.) We sent you two requests, both deliberately a bit vague. So what’s happened? On the first request, we’ve seen one continual chain of miracles. Things I never thought could or would happen! Things I never thought I’d see. Things I’d have laughed at you if you suggested they might happen.
On the second, a more steady chain, not so much of miracles, but of important steps forward(“milestones”?) happening, making us think strongly that that request, too, is getting close to being fulfilled.
Your prayers have worked for us. And I’m sure we weren’t alone. And maybe someone downstairs didn’t like it and is hitting back at you. Whatever. But our family does pray for you two every evening, and it sounds like maybe we should ramp that up a bit. God be with you =- flu or not – and bless you.
Glad you’re feeling better. I was hospitalized with the flu (the “Swine in ’09” as we called it), back when college campuses were covered in it. It was pretty scary, to be honest. I never tested positive for the flu, but when you faint in a doctor’s office with flu-like symptoms, alarm bells go off. My 104.7 temp probably should have sent me to an ER, but being a single guy at the time, I figured I could ‘handle it’. Glad you’re feeling better. In that moment of being hospitalized, I had an epiphany about my life and whom I loved and it had a huge impact on the next couple years of my life. God was there guiding me in turns and I felt very grateful. Thanks for sharing your story.
Gee! That’s terrible!!!