You may find yourself without hope today.
A little over a year ago, I found myself in the darkest time of my life. My marriage had ended. There were days I couldn’t leave my house. Days I hurt myself. Days I didn’t eat. Or sleep. Or care. I wanted to die. I saw no purpose in life.
The only thing I (barely) had strength to do was ask. I needed help, and I knew it. Because of the generosity and insight of my friends, I was able to receive intensive counseling at an inpatient facility in the southwest. Walking in, I thought it was my last chance. Nothing had pulled me out of the blackness that consumed me and the poisonous lies that poured death into my every thought. It seemed like nothing could save me. No person. No bible verse. No career achievements. No amount of money. No church. Nothing.
The time I spent in the mountains with lots of solitude, therapy, reflection, and prayer changed my life. It didn’t change it right away. But over the course of minutes, days, months…it changed me.
About a month ago, I was driving home and I started crying on I-65 north, one of the main interstates in Nashville. In the last two years, I’ve cried more tears than I ever did in my thirty-some-odd years combined.
These tears were different.
They were tears of joy.
Pure, crazy, maniacal, absurd, unexplainable tears of joy.
Hope ran over me like a semi truck. People were hope. Scripture was hope. My own potential was hope. Truth was hope. Church was hope. Love was hope. Strangers. Family. Food. Stars. Hiking. Cycling. Sun. Christmas trees. Cold air. Warm breezes. Colors. Embraces. Smiles. Coffee. Music. Friends. Laughter. Babies. Candles. Wine. Books.
An infinite explosion of subtleties and miracles filled me with hope.
Does grief still exist? Yes. Regret? Yes. Sadness? Yes. Confusion? Yes. Fear? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Hope walks around these broken places in my heart and gently touches each one, reminding me of their purpose.
There is hope for all of us. It may be far, far away from you right now. Please take comfort in knowing it is there. And when the time is right and it drowns you in every rich drop, your life will completely change. From someone who has been to the valley of death and has returned with an abundance of undeserved life, there is hope.
With love,
Anne
(I won’t be writing online much. Indefinitely. Maybe one day I’ll use this medium again, but for now until as long as I can imagine, my next right step is to continue taking time away. I’ve started school full time. I’m writing. I’m living!)
Comments
59 responses to “Hope (A Farewell Post)”
God bless you, Anne!
As much as I loved your contribution to my life in a dark time, I know this is right for you right now. Who knows what doors God will open in future, but get out there and live! :-)
Oh, lord, Anne, how I needed to hear this. I’m going through something very similar in my own life for different reasons … Empty Nest, health issues, feeling like my life is OVER even though as far as I know I’ve got another 40 years or so on this planet. I’m on that “poison words of death” channel and I have to fight hard to get my eyes up on Jesus for long enough to stay here for my family. I need to hear that there’s hope and that I may actually get through this someday. Your post is a ray of sunlight in my otherwise pretty black world right now.
Thank you.
Stacy,
How I SO identifed with your post… All of it! “Empty Nest, health issues, feeling like my life is OVER even though as far as I know I’ve got another 40 years or so on this planet.” Seriously! I’ve raised EIGHT/ 8 kids (3 adopted from the orphanages of Asia) and still feel like a total NOTHING!! I, TOO, wanna “hear that there’s hope” and that I too, can STAY for my children and grandchildren. I’ve often thought that if we’d link arms and walk together… we’d be SO much stronger, and the “poison words” would have very little chance to grab us and keep us THERE…down and out!! Wanna try to do that??? Link arms to grab the sunlight” in the VERY “black world”??? It’s gonna take a VILLAGE to keep us going! I’m IN!
Let me know what you’re thinking!
Love and hugs and mega~blessings,
Marsha Lynn
Many blessings Anne.
Glory!
Anne, thank you again for your honest and open sharing with us. Please know that you are loved and appreciated. I empathise with some of the feelings you have been through – I hit that all-time low about four years ago… and I also received some great help from you, via the ‘Mad Cow Disease’.
May you be truly held in the Great Arms of Love, and may you steadily perceive it more and more.
You have been, and will be again, a blessing to the Body of Christ.
Bless you loads. :)
Beautiful. <3 Thanks for sharing.
Fare you well, Anne. I can’t thank you enough for the impact your writing, and example, have had on my own writing–and my life.
Many blessings.
Disappearing from the world of blogging is (luckily) not the same thing as disappearing from the world altogether. Ya’ gotta’ do what’cha’ gotta’ do. You know I wish you well, but I think you are already DOING well. I am excited about your return to school. Hopefully you will find yourself being hammered into fascinating shapes upon the Smith’s anvil there as you fill your mind with new things. :) Live, and drink deeply of the cup of life! :)
Anne,
I have followed your journey for as long as I can remember. I have stepped away from blogging, twitter, etc, and came back, and left again, and came back. It’s been this continuous search for a purpose, for a meaning, for worth. It was in my last hiatus that I realized that I was searching outwardly to ‘things’, instead of inwardly, to my heart, to the holy spirit. It was in that moment, that I experienced a revelation in my heart that immediately impacted and changed my life.
Just like you, I have days where I doubt, hate, despise, etc, but those are times that are now spread much thinner through my life, and instead my days are filled with hope, love and inspiration. I continue to fight for my life, for living.
I will be praying for your journey, and hoping that it brings to you a fruitfulness that will honor Him, and bring continuous hope/love to you.
Your story is great, and it will always matter. I look forward to the future of you writing, and being able to travel in those writings with you, learning from you, and being inspired by your mistakes, your moments of redemption, and stories of hope.
Be blessed!
Prayers Abound!
Kyle
Anne, Glad to hear you are healing. God’s going to continue to use you to touch others and i’m looking forward to hearing how that happens in the time ahead. I’m always grateful for you.
Peace, Phil
I want to thank you for the honesty you have poured out to the rest of us. I know God allowed me to find out about you at a needed time in my life and I thank Him for the gems He has spoken to me through you.
I wish you continued joy, hope, and a blessed future as you walk out His purpose for your life!
Your hope shines through this post, Anne. Best wishes to you in the next year. My fingers are crossed that we’ll run in to each other at Dose sometime.
Anne,
Thank you for your honesty. We will miss you from this medium but are excited for you and what is next. May God continue to bring healing, peace and joy to your life.
God’s abundant blessings and love to you as you walk into this new season of life. At 53 I’ve had many different seasons in my life, each so different from each other. All of them with the different pain and joy involved have continued to shape my life. I know that will be true for you too. I’m so thankful that you were able to find real help. I know that amazing things will be a part of your future as well. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
We will miss you Anne, but we have eternity future to catch up with your story. For now, I’m thankful you can once again enjoy the journey.
i continue to miss your presence on the interwebs, but i am glad to know you’re walking in growing hope.
drop a wee note now and then to continue letting us know you are alive and well. blessings blessings blessings.
Thank you Anne for this amazing post and for your courage to know when to step away and focus on the things that are most important to you!
I had discovered your writings late, but I feel blessed to have done so. Thank you once again, and may the next steps of your journey be blessed!
You are missed, sweet girl. Prayers for you, and your future. You are so strong. So strong. xo
A couple of years ago you spoke at Life Church in Arkansas, The Dirt Conference. I have attempted to write you several times after that conference to tell you that I had many revelations at that conference. I ended up just deleting it and never sending them on. You said that if you always say yes to everything then you don’t leave room for the holy spirit to surprise you each day and you also mentioned that a friend had asked you if the job you had was getting in the way of your communion with God. Those 2 statements I walked away with from that conference and they still resonate thru my spirit today. I always said yes to everything. Funny thing was when I really started to say “no” and do what God was asking me to do instead of people pleasing… LOL. People did not like that very much. I was the queen of odd jobs but finally realized what God was calling me to do. I made some huge changes in my life after that conference… I followed bits and pieces of you on your blog. Today I read this and it encourages me yet again. I have always loved working with my hands to create… Art, Painting, stage sets for our church, banquet decor, home decor… Did not really see how it was benefiting the kingdom of God until I realized ladies were using my small group as a place of refuge and for many it was the only place they ever felt the love of God. Last year my husband and I took a step of faith and opened our store, a place for women to create and also share their passion and love for God. We all paper craft AKA scrapbook but it is so much more than that. We fellowship, encourage, pray and just find peace and joy in the gifts and talents God has given us. Somewhere along the way my husband decided to do something else. ( still don’t know what he is doing really) I will be walking thru a divorce and also closing my business. I have Hope that I can still keep it alive but I am discouraged by the fact that I am feeling so dead inside. I am creative. I am driven by faith. I know the word of God and I know that He is there. But it “looks” like everything is so hopeless. I too will rise above and cry and laugh at this one day. Just be encouraged that your words encouraged someone else… both a couple of years ago and today. Thank you!
Anne, this is beautiful. We’ve never met, but i’m sad to see you “go”, as your words have been a source of encouragement and inspiration in my life– yet i can understand the need to step back so you can continue to heal. i’m in a similar place in my own recovery process, and i have to commend you for the courage it must’ve taken to do this. You’ll be in my prayers. Thank you for the opportunity you’ve given us to be a part of your story… may you enjoy where your journey next leads.
Thanks, Anne, for all the ways you brought hope, and grace, and light to others! God has great things in store for you! Have a good time in school! i will look forward to eventually hearing a marvelous report of wonderful things from you! The Lord bless thee and keep thee. The Lord make his face to shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee; The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee and give thee peace.
just what i needed to hear after a discouraging day :)
So wonderful to read this post – both because of the hope you’ve found and for the quiet reminder it is to me right now. It’s much needed.
Thank you for this post, Anne, and good luck. I needed that dose of hope today…it’s amazing that God truly knows what we need when we need it. I’ll miss reading your words, but I’m thankful for your honesty.
This is great, SO where I’m at right now.
This is the 1st post I’ve read of your blog (came across it through a link from a friend on Facebook). It’s a very moving expression of the hope you are feeling after your long dark period. May God continue to bless you with hope in the next phase of your life.
I will miss reading your posts online, but your choice sounds like the right one.
What you said about hope reminded me of a drawing/painting that a friend of mine did. The link is to her Etsy shop, though I’m not trying to sell it. It’s just one of the few places I know it’s posted and easily shareable.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/87989764/hope-grows-8×10?ref=pr_shop
The sentiment in the art has pulled me back from depression quite often.
I hope that Christ becomes more vibrant than ever in your life in this next part of your journey.
hey anne…i am sorry to hear about the things you have been going through. i am praying for the healing to continue in your life. i will miss your writings. i hope to hear from you soon. take care!
Anne,
I sincerely wish you well. Though my circumstances are a little different from your own, I know all too well those feelings about which you wrote. I was so excited to hear that you’re going back to school. I did the same. In a few days, I start my last semester. These two years back in school have changed my perspective and my life. It gave me confidence and brought some wonderful people into my life. And now, I’m ready to face the world in a way I couldn’t before. I have discovered a fearlessness I never knew existed. I have renewed faith, hope and love. I finally feel whole, and I cannot begin to describe in words how that feels. And I also know God now in a way I never knew him before. It feels…incredible! I know you will find that, and I can’t wait for you to share that story with us one day. Thanks for sharing your life and story with all of us. Take care. Best of wishes!
Hope
Wow. I’m copying and saving your description of joy and hope. I understand it, so well, yet you crafted it most clearly. May you continue to prosper in healing and peace.
You are lovely. Be Blessed.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that. I’m going through something similar. You are an awesome writer and a passionate follower of Christ. Go with God and discover what’s next. It’s gonna be awesome.
I so much appreciate your life and you being open. I too have a marriage that ended this past year and I have had many ups and downs trying to make it make since. You will be in my prayers and I can’t wait to hear what God has in store for you.
Much love to you, Anne!
Thank you for inspiring us with your honesty, insight, and passion.
Grace and peace to you as you start your next set of adventures.
Anne:
Thank you for such an affirming post. Glad you are healing and moving forward. You will be missed. But you are walking where you feel led and that is most important. I look forward to hearing from you again someday somewhere.
Blessings on you.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as hope… so glad you are feeling it inside, outside and all around you.
Peace!
I wish you well and glad you are finding your way through your losses. Life is tough. God does bring us through. Take care…God bless! :D
[…] has been freeing to so many of us, is stepping away from blogging for the indefinite future. Her farewell post was touching and […]
Live.
And thanks for how you’ve blessed me.
You’ve been on my mind this weekend. I’m happy to read these words and to know you have found hope and joy and that you are living! You have touched my life (and judging by these comments, many others too) with your courage and honesty over the past few years. Love and prayers to you.
PS – If you ever find yourself in Chattanooga, know that you have a friend here. I’d love to grab a coffee…or an ice cream.
[…] writer Anne Jackson talks about the one year anniversary of her divorce. Check it out. And, pray for people struggling in their marriage. We all need prayer. We all need hope. This […]
Anne- so enkoy your last sentence. You have helped so many to feel *alive* over time by your sharing and caring!!! Love being alive and seeing hope everywhere!!! I see once again from this post wby Rachel once said in a post she wanted to be Anne Jackson :) Best to you everyday!!!
Anne, I wish you all the best in whatever you pursue! I must say I will miss your posts very much. I really identify with your writing, and your books have helped me so very much, especially Mad Church Disease. I hope some day your journey will bring you back to this blog, as you definitely have a gift with the written word.
Praying for you along your journey!!!
Jennifer
Anne,
I think I first learned of you through my good friend, Susan Isaacs. I read your books and now I found your blog–just as you are saying good-bye. Your honesty resonates and I love your writing and I hope you’ll be back soon. Having started blogging recently about being a Christian who became a drunk, I appreciate writers
who are willing to get a little naked with me. Okay, that sounds SO wrong. Sorry. But really, I like you. Just wanted to say that.
Anne, may God bless you and keep you and comfort you forever!
Thanks for blessing us with your words and your time.
Dear Anne
Thank you for inspiring me and giving me hope.
Mad Church Disease (MCD) was a meaningful book that came to me at a critical time in my walk with God. I had served God for fifteen years at a church, and left burned out and feeling a little betrayed. Your book encouraged me. It understood me. It didn’t enable or coddle me. It encouraged me to forgive and set boundaries. It reminded me that the church for all of its faults is still a place where I can find God and where I can experience beauty. Having read and been blessed by MCD I now consider you friend, moreover, I continue to recommend this book to others.
I am glad to hear that you will continue to write. My prayer is that you would not neglect this gift.
God’s blessings to you in your journey. I look forward to your next book.
Be well Anne. You are loved.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I used to read your blog regularly but have not for at least a year – probably more. I was supposed to be married on January 7th and I called it off 2 days before Christmas. The reality of who I was marrying hit me hard across the face and I could not imagine walking down the aisle toward a lifetime of that man. But it was/is gut-wrenching, hope-sucking, faith-drowning to come to terms that the man I was going to marry was not, in fact, who he said he was in the early days of our relationship. And who he was in private was also very different than the public image he portrayed. Scary. Anyway, I came looking for some words of hope today and I found them. Thank you. And God bless.
Dear Anne;
I have very little hope right now, so thank you for this. I need to believe that life will get better, that I will get better. Perhaps your seed of hope will do something to my deep longing for death. Thank you, as always, for your honesty that offers this bit of hope. For real, thank you.
I will continue to pray for you. Your words have blessed me.
Thank you!
The real Anne comes out.
Can we be friends.
When I read this post, I thought, “I’ve finally found someone that feels the same way I do.” I am consumed by the same blackness and am haunted by the same poisonous lies. It’s been 4 years since my marriage ended and I still struggle with making my life worth living. Reading your post gave me hope that maybe eventually I too will find the hope that you’ve found.
Please know that your willingness to share what you have gone through has made me feel less alone in my struggle to find my way out of the blackness. I wish you the best of luck in school and in everything you do. You will be missed.
Andrea,
I so identify with your comments just above. I hurt for you and want to let you know that someone else is there for you. Marriage is such a mirage and the “success” of it is a total miracle that’s almost invisible. We need to hang on to each other and see if there’s a way that this can ALL make sense. Like in “WHERE did the LOVE go?” “WHY do I miss you so much?” and sooooo many more questions that must be answered!! Really, we’re NOT all “crazy-lookin’-for-LOVE-in-ALL-the-WRONG places” kinda people!! We’re REAL! We’re SPEciAL!! We’re LOVELY!! We’re WORTH it!!! WHEN will the WOrld see US for what we ARE????? I’m sooooooooooo ready! And so wanting to make THAT happen!! WlLL you join me and make a statement??
In HIS amazing / warm/ forever LOVE,
MarshaLynn
I love this post (the part about hope). Please let us know if you start blogging again!
I just ordered Permission to Speak Freely from amazon and I’m so excited to read it! I hope you are doing well with school and life.
Oh Anne. I wish I could sit with you and talk face to face. I’ve read all of your books and have found such a kindred spirit in you through your writings. Seems like we have very similar backgrounds and deal with a lot of the same stuff.
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