There is a story that begins with a monk in Croatia and ends with me, in Nashville, wearing a prayer bracelet he made. A woman who I’ve never met purchased a handful from this monk and gave a some to a female graduate student living in Salem, Oregon. I visited Salem on my book tour last fall, where this lovely girl interviewed me about my trip to India and sex trafficking before the event began. We shared stories and quite possibly, a kindred spirit. She had no idea that soon, the world that had been falling apart inside and around me would collapse into one of my darkest times.
Three days after the event in Salem, I was laying in a bed in Gig Harbor, Washington, after finishing the tour the evening before. A friend of mine sent me a text message which woke me up, as it was 8:30 am in his time zone and 5:30 am in mine. He asked how I was doing, knowing it had been a rough season. I debated in my sleep-filled mind what to say. Do I tell him exactly what I’m thinking? Do I tell him what I’ve done?
At 5:30 am, I count it a blessing I couldn’t think clearly enough to lie. I told him the truth.
Sensing the urgency of my words, he and a small group of people worked together to get me the help I needed. I was going to be able to go away to a center in a desert for thirty days of intensive counseling and healing.
As I packed my bags for Arizona, I was checking my email one last time. One downloaded from the graduate student I met in Salem. She asked if she could pray for me, feeling led to reach out. Only my closest friends knew I’d be leaving, but not counting her email a coincidence, I decided to tell her as well. I gave her the address to the place I’d be staying in case she wanted to write, as I wouldn’t have internet access there.
If what the Scriptures say is true about our spirits groaning, that is the only faith I could find, and that wasn’t even intentional. God seemed absent, and I didn’t have the energy – and quite honestly the desire – to seek him out. Once I was in my routine in the desert, when people would ask about my faith I simply said, “I’m searching,” and moved on.
I was empty.
A package came in the mail a week or so after I arrived, and in it, this bracelet from Croatia, with the story of how she received it and why she was sending it. I figured since I was “searching,” surely wearing this bracelet as a reminder wouldn’t hurt. Through therapy sessions, solitude and long, long walks, I fingered the black knots and the silver cross, not really praying anything. The simplest prayer one prays with these bracelets is what is known as “The Jesus Prayer” and states, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” At my best, sometimes all I could muster was “mercy.”
There was a girl I got to know at this facility who was also searching, also praying. She needed to go to a treatment center more specific to her needs, but because of some family issues wasn’t able to afford it. I looked at my bracelet and looked at her as we walked down a hall together.
“Look. I just got this prayer bracelet in the mail and I don’t know what to think. But I guess since we’re both trying to find our faith, maybe it would be good for me to pray for you to get into that treatment center. So whenever I do pray, I’ll be praying for you.”
I’ll admit. In a way it was a test. I followed through with my promise to her and prayed. And as it turned out, she was able to go.
I left Arizona a week before the thirty days was over. I was ready. I had found what I needed to find and was able to begin on a steady and consistent path of healing. The bracelet, however, hasn’t left my arm until this weekend. After six months of life, even something as sacred as a Croatian prayer bracelet begins to get a little funky smelling. I zipped it into a delicates pouch and put it in with my laundry.
When it was time for the clothes to go into the dryer, I took out the bracelet and rolled it back on my arm. Now with much more stable footing in my faith, I thought back to the many times I’ve prayed using this bracelet: many times The Jesus Prayer, but for others as well. As I touched each damp knot on my arm, I was flooded with the stories this bracelet has heard. Waves of gratitude washed over me as I realize that I am truly in a new season; the prayers of the past washed away in soapy water, most having been answered – sometimes immediately and sometimes slowly and inefficiently (as I’ve noticed is more the pace for things that require faith). Regardless of when, they were answered with a strong sovereignty I cannot explain in words.
I realize the bracelet I wear holds no magical powers in and of itself. It is made of cloth and metal, and as I mentioned before, even can start smelling foul. However, the many hands that have held it…from its creation in a a far away land to its purchase to its travel to its passing down, and finally to its destination in my own presence while I doubted in a purple, quiet desert so beautifully paints the connectedness of our lives to the world around us.
I’m sure the monk in Croatia had no idea as he sewed the black knots that eventually a girl in Nashville’s fingers would progress from knot to knot and would, sometimes with sweaty, nervous fingers, pray over the very threads he bound. And just as the threads in this bracelet hold it together, the threads in each of our stories bind us together as humans, never knowing how one story will lead to the next.
Comments
43 responses to “From Knot to Knot”
Absolutely beautiful, Anne. Your writing often brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for your honesty. xoxo
I simply want to respond xoxo back to you :)
“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.” -Job 23:10
Very moving story, Anne. Thanks for sharing.
What you shared was deeply moving and very appreciated. Thank you.
Thanks for being around since the beginning :)
Lovely verse. thank you.
Beautiful
Thank you, Amber.
So powerful and moving, Anne. The strongest servants, aware of their weakness come out of the desert.
Praying for you and loving you,
Sheila
Love you too girl. Hope to make it down & see you soon.
Thanks for sharing this.
The part that hit me the most was at the end. About how our lives are intertwined together. It reminded me about all the bracelets I have made and the people that might be wearing them now. It’s also a reminder of something so simple an act as making something and sending it off not realizing how much of an impact it will make on someone’s life.
It’s a reminder to me about all the people in my life and the bonds I’ve created with them.
I gave a bracelet to a girl in Africa and one in India and I have one. It’s amazing what little things we do can connect us in so many ways.
beautiful. <3
Thanks, Lis.
we don’t know each
only on twitter.
i’m amazed every time you offer honesty.
i think it’s the only real link we have anymore to the truth god has for us.
you section on mercy was beautiful. it reminded me of a u2 song that just melts over you with a melody or ice cold water on a day like yesterday. it just feels right and necessary.
thanks for your words
i really want to get to know you face to face.
Where do you live? Thank you so much for the kind words.
i live back and forth between so. virginia (liberty university mainly) and various parts of central and so. ea. pennsylvania.
Yes.
Thank you!
beautiful in countless ways
Thanks, lovely. Hope you are well.
Yep. It’s a radically beautiful prayer from a series of books called The Philokalia. Written by monks from the 5th century, these books will rock your soul. So when you’re ready, jump in.
Thanks for the info! I love books written in that era.
1 Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun:
I saw the tears of the oppressed—
and they have no comforter;
power was on the side of their oppressors—
and they have no comforter.
2 And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.
3 But better than both
is the one who has never been born,
who has not seen the evil
that is done under the sun.
4 And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
5 Fools fold their hands
and ruin themselves.
6 Better one handful with tranquillity
than two handfuls with toil
and chasing after the wind.
7 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:
8 There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
“and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
I still “owe” you a major hug, Anne. Know that you’re getting one now in my heart.
Duh! Sorry, that was Ephesians 4 I quoted above. The last bit was what I originally intended, but the first part was necessary, too. ♡
Thanks, Joe!
Double-DUH! That’s ECCLESIASTES chapter 4!
Shutting up now.
Beautiful words, Anne.
Your story of healing in the desert reminded me of “Way of The Heart” by Henri Nouwen. Have you read that book?
The Jesus Prayer is one of my absolute, all-time favorites. So simple. So profound. Some monks and nuns spend their whole lives praying it. Prayers for your continued healing and strength.
Anne, so beautiful. your story and journey and prayers… and the answers to them.
thank you for your courage in sharing your pain.
Anne,
Thank you for this post! You have inspired me to participate in my own personal retreat. Though, I am only able to participate in a 2-3 day retreat, I am hoping to find somewhere where I can also participate in counselling sessions and personal study. On a side note, do you ever travel up to Toronto, Ontario? You are on my top 10 list of people to have coffee with!
Lovely, my friend, just like you.
And you!
Dear Anne ~
I offer you this Gleam of Hope from Oswald Chambers –
http://creeksideministries.blogspot.com/2009/11/gleam-of-hope.html
May God bless you in abundant ways that you can’t even begin to imagine for your willingness to be authentic and real. And may He restore all that the locusts have eaten {Joel 2:25-29}.
Thank you so much
What a wonderful story, Anne. I love it.
Two books that I’ve found really helpful on the subject:
The Jesus Prayer: The Ancient Desert Prayer that Tunes the Heart to God by Frederica Mathewes-Green ( http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Prayer-Ancient-Desert-Tunes/dp/1557256594/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1309963413&sr=8-8 )
A little booklet called “The Prayer Rope” published by Saint Nektarios Greek Orthodox Monastery in NY. ( http://www.stanthonysmonastery.org/ccp7/index.php?app=ecom&ns=prodshow&ref=3PRAYERROPE )
Thanks for the book suggestions, darling :)
Thank you for sharing. Your authentic words and gracious courage to share will and has changed lives. Thank you… truly.
Thank you, Desirae
“He is my glory, and the lifter of my head.” (Psa 3:3) May be continue to be yours.
A while ago, when I was going through an especially tough time, I noticed that everyone at work told me “keep your chin up.” And that at church everyone told me “keep your eyes up.”
I discovered that when I kept my eyes up, my chin went right along with them.
May God continue blessing and walking with you.
Hey Girl
Thanks for sharing. I actually collapsed on the floor yesterday overwhelmed by a lot of stuff going on in my life and I too know what it is to depend on the “groaning” because you cant even express or have the energy to express what it is you need. I really think I should do intensive counseling etc. Can you send me a link to where you went to on my email directly?
I am so proud of you for being so open to everything that is happening and the whole sovereignty concept that I still seem to be having an issue with.
Now I have a question and please excuse my ignorance, but when you said “some prayers were answered inneficiently” does that mean that the prayer did not get answered how you wanted it or what does it mean?
One more question (on a lighter note) – how do I change the picture of me that shows up when I comment? It is 5 yrs old and about 30 lbs heavier ouch!
you are awesome anne! Keep trusting. Keep hoping. Keep seeking. Much love to you!