The following is adapted from an email I wrote yesterday morning as I waited for my twice-a-year cardiologist appointment. I haven’t been to see my cardiologist since March 2010, so maybe I was under the impression “bi-annually” meant once-every-two-years. While I waited, with clumsy thumbs I typed this out on my phone and decided I’d post it up here, as I think my friend’s question is a good one for all of us to answer, especially as we wrestle with purpose and healing.
***
Last night, after organizing and budgeting, I was packing up my mess from the den, about to head into my room to go to sleep. The family I live with came home and it was almost as if [The Wife’s] maternal instinct was on high alert. She came directly up to where I was and asked how my day was. What ensued was not pretty…gobs of mucous flowed like a river. I was struggling. My pile of unexpected bills was growing and my income is nowhere near what it used to be. More than financially, I was wrecked over the fact I am not spending as much time as I think I need to writing — simply due to the amount of hours in a day, I can’t commit the hours like I was able to in my former life.
She was able to really help me see a lot of truth that had been buried in the dark corners of my heart, to bring some clarity to the present, and to shed some light and hope (although the difficult to swallow kind) on the future.
Then she said something that has been stuck in a loop in the synapses in my brain…
“Do you want relief? Or do you want to be healed?”
Of course in the moment, in the now, I want relief. I’m thankful much of the intense and acute grief of what happened last year has been recovered and that emotional pain has subsided a good bit. However, there is pain I recognize in the absence of my trusting God with everything, including the things you and I spoke of yesterday – my purpose and meaning in life.
I feel as if those things which were so secure and were running like clockwork were stripped from me and I had no control as everything was pulled into a vortex. I feel anger and envy in those places, directed at myself, at God, and sometimes toward others. There is grief in losing who I “thought” I was…which is exactly where God wants me to be – completely uncertain of myself apart from anything other than Him. I know he doesn’t intend it in a sadistic, punishing way, but in the refining way we always hear about and generally allow to fall on the trail of cliches we leave behind us like breadcrumbs – boring, plain, stale and easily forgotten.
It’s obvious the healing process is going to be painful, but in the end it will not only paint me more in the image of Christ, but through grace and his perfect mercy, perhaps color others whose lives with whom I may come into contact.
Looking back, I see a life that was selfish, ego-centric, and insecure.
Do I want that to be my legacy? Is that what I want to pour into others? Is that what I want to reflect?
Sure, I want relief from the “pain” and “injustice” I’ve walked in the last year (those words are in quotes as they are based from my perspective), but to be healed means to be first be broken, to be reset – like a bone.
When I had my heart surgery, they had to burn the broken spots. I should be praying for more of those broken spots to be burned, so my heart can be made whole. Whole doesn’t mean perfect or without evidence of pain.
Whole means whole.
Deep down, I do desire that – that wholeness, which many spiritual leaders say is brought in two ways: through prayer and through suffering. And maybe deep down, more than writing, more than advocating, more than being someone people can rely on…maybe that is my purpose. Maybe that is where my perspective needs to shift and I won’t feel so lost and off-base.
And maybe, just maybe, that is a purpose that belongs to us all.
Comments
74 responses to “Healing and Purpose”
Love this Anne. Love it. Balm to my soul today. God digs down deep, to the hushed and secret places, to finish the work. Ultimately to perfect it. To heal it. Matt just did a sermon at The Village on heaven and there was so much in it that just resonated about the finality of God’s healing to the earth and to us. Praying for you.
Thanks, Lore. I’ll have to check it out. Always appreciate Matt’s insight.
Anne – your transparency is beautiful. Keep leaning into the difficult places…those are the transforming ones.
Thank you, Justin.
Anne, your heart is so beautiful. I love the way you take things in and really ponder them. I see such a tender heart in you in this place, which I know God finds beautiful.
It hurts so much to be broken. It hurts to have places in our hearts burned away. In the moment, it’s the most painful and awful-feeling thing in the world. I’m thankful God has made you into the kind of person who, despite that pain and awfulness, will, in the end, say yes to what he is doing in you.
xoxo,
Christianne
Thanks, Christianne. He is good.
love to you today
Hope you’re well, Melissa.
Wow. Such resonating words. I had never thought of it as relief versus healing. The healing is so much more painful to traverse. The goal of whole and healed is tremendous. What He desires for us. What we have to be willing to dive into. The call to trust so deep it rattles in your bones. Walking right there with you.
Such true words. Thanks, Elizabeth.
This is the power of the gospel. Our story eight years ago was the death of one of our twin daughters. During that time, one of the clearest lessons to me was when I became aware of my identification as a particular kind of person – a worship leader, a speaker, a mother – instead of as God’s child. Everything else can be stripped away by forces outside and inside of our control. But nothing can separate us from the love of God. I hold onto that everyday, even when it sounds trite and religious in my ears. It isn’t. It is life giving and true.
Felicity, my heart grives with you and I can see you empathize with this kind of pain and healing. I’m sorry you had to endure what you did and can’t imagine what that was like.
From my perspective, you CAN imagine my pain because you have experienced loss and punch-you-in-the-gut disappointment, too, even if in a different context. It is good for me to remember that my pain is not unique – it is common to this human experience. That helps relieve some of my ego-centricity! : )
God sure is opening your eyes to a lot of things. I hope you obtain the wholeness you seek.
With God’s help…
One of the most powerful questions Jesus asked was, “Do you want to get well?” {John 5:6}. And I love that He continues to ask us that same question today.
Unfortunately for those of us who like to see everything happen right away, this healing doesn’t often appear miraculously. Seems like there’s often alot of pruning involved, which, truth be told, hurts like heck and you think you’ll never survive, never prosper, never have anything to offer anyone else ever again.
It’s out of the pruning that all the old, useless debris and junk gets taken out of our lives. Even stuff we thought was pretty profitable is cut off at the nubs. We gasp, we reel, we ache, we weep. And most of the substantial work is done in solitude and silence.
It takes awhile to recover from that pruning. And then He re-appears to prune more that isn’t going to be much good … and we groan, “when, God, when?”
But sooner or later, new life comes, blossoms, grows. It’s healthy, vibrant, and it bears fruit. There is finally something substantial to offer others. And it’s then that He takes us off the shelf where we have suffered, rested, mended, recovered. And uses us in ways we would never have dreamed.
There’s an authenticity, a wisdom, a peace, a depth, a presence that never would have been there without the shelftime.
Trust me, I’ve been there. Been there, done that. It will be worth the wait.
Your words of wisdom ring true. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Very deep and vulnerable! I’m in that place now maybe not through illness but in many other ways and finding it difficult to accept that fact that he is perfecting me! Thank you for sharing this. To encourage you I believe you are almost there, closer than most of us reading this now!
I wonder if God ever sees us on a linear path of wholeness…sometimes I think it is much more random than that! :) Thank you for your encouragement.
Courageous words. There is so much mystery in suffering, yet there is joy too, especially in those moments when we glimpse that wholeness. Just posted a short piece on things that are not ordinary for me now that I have cancer. http://www.marcialaycock.blogspot.com
Marcia,
I currently work with breast cancer (mainly, other cancers as well) patients in my new job. When I get home, I look forward to reading your story and I am so sorry for what you are experiencing, although I see so much hope and light in the patients I work with.
Anne,
Thank you for your sharing this. Though walking through a very different situation this year, I have been learning to grieve, learning to trust and re-evaluating what is “important” and who I am (needing to find that completely in HIM).
When I read your last e-mail update, I was wondering about your new job? One of the biggest parts of last years valley was walking alongside a dear friend in her battle and final days of breast cancer. Her story is here if sometime later you want to take a look at it. She had a testimony of faith until her final breath and actually the legacy lives on. Her site is http://www.jennsstory.wordpress.com
Thankful for your words and the words above by Linda.
May we all strive to ‘be painted to be more like Christ and perhaps color others whose lives with whom I may come into contact.’
Thanks for sharing…I will read her story. Thank you for walking alongside her. I work at prettyinpinkboutique.com…you can see a bit more of what we do there….Amen.
Anne,
Thanks for your transparency. I needed this reminder today. I have been experiencing that brokenness in my own life lately. It’s one of the most painful, excoriating times I have ever had. I’m now 1.2 years into this and I have started to discover that in this time and in this moment God is nurturing something incredible in my heart…purpose. Prior to this time I had an inkling of where I thought God was taking me, and now am starting to feel direction. That direction is leading to bigger and better things than I ever dreamed about previously.
If I can share any encouragement that I have found in the last year, its to keep walking, keep trusting, know that God is guiding and leading you. Yes, there are dark times ahead. That’s a given. Keep trusting in God and in those that he has placed in your life. You will come out stronger than you could have ever imagined.
The dark times don’t have to be bad…that is what I am (trying to) learn.
I appreciate your realness… it was like you were reading my mail… I keep thinking if I take this action or do this service that it will help me heal to grow closer and anything less means I slacking… but He has been speaking that is a relationship and He desires good and it beyond any action I may take. He will heal, I just have to let Him. Thank you again!
So much I fall into wanting to “earn” and be “rewarded” for “being good”…
You are a very courageous woman, and I thank you for your openness. I went through the same thing 6 years ago; every aspect of life got reset. Before that I often distracted myself with activity/entertainment/… when pain or difficulty landed in my life. Now, some pain and difficulty continues, but I’m not drawn to those distractions like I once was. I am more aware of Jesus presence now, and feel less alone than I did 5-6 years ago. For awhile now I’ve thought that if Jesus had to live the life He lived, in order to learn obedience, how much more someone like me. Yes it is one thing to wonder about that, and quite another to wholeheartedly embrace difficulty in your own life. Jesus please continue your work in all of us.
Anything courageous in me is not of me, but of Christ in me kicking my butt. I hope that’s okay to say. :)
Anne,
Coming off a year of emotional turmoil…not exactly like yours, but your post today was so close to the thoughts in my head it made me cry. Your “wholeness” perspective is one I’m trying hard to walk through…and so hard to change that perspective like you said.
Thanks for the encouragement to keep on keeping on, and I’ll be praying for you as well.
PS: Really glad you’re back.
I wouldn’t say I’m back…but for now, I’m here. :)
Keep walking indeed.
A long while ago I had knee surgery. The doctor prescribed medication for the pain and immediately put me on physical rehabilitation. Both were essential and necessary components of the recovery process. Based on what you’ve shared, I see it that the medication was relief and the rehabilitation was healing…great dichotomy. Thanks for sharing.
I am going through something similar with my back. I NEEDED a steroid shot and a shot of a painkiller when I couldn’t walk. Now I’m in therapy. So much truth to healing physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc…
Extremely good post! There are a lot of different words and phrases in your post that really stand out and speak for themselves. Thanks for sharing.
Gobs of mucous I’m sure being one… :)
ouch. my heart hurts with you.
how I know this healing place well. your words bring me back…
I hope in a good way…backward is sometimes a new path forward. Learning few things are a straight line.
Anne, I have never commented on your writing before. I’ve been a silent lurker and avid fan and admirer but today, you spoke deeply into my soul. It was as if your words spoke my heart. Those are my words Anne- My journey, my pain,spoken through this post. Kindred.
I pray this healing fully comes, sometimes walking through the lake of pain, confusion, doubt- questioning God Himself- it is excruciating. Somehow knowing I am not alone- it makes the journey that much more bearable.
Much love to you from a far away friend.
Hi there, thank you for commenting. Your comment is written brilliantly and beautifully. Thank you for your prayers and I am sorry you are walking through a difficult journey too. Prayers to you today.
Blessings to you Anne. Our prayers go with you each day.
Thanks, Terry.
Anne, I’ve been right here in this place you write of. How your words resonate with my own life. Just know that you are not alone and time DOES heal and the pain does lessen. Don’t be hard on yourself. Praying for you.
Thank you so much, Rachel.
Hi Anne,
Your experience has much in common with Naaman and his dipping in the Jordon River 7 times. I could write about much about how much I have in common with Naaman and Naaman’s situation and ultimately Naaman’s new life. (2 Kings 5)
Not sure if you ever have considered Portland, but Imago Dei needs a person like you. Not perfect, broken into pieces . . . yet good at the core. Able to touch the multitudes in need of your story.
I am sure the Annie Bethancourts would welcome you into that weird Portland culture. Note: Annie is not weird.
Your a good writer. Your a good communicator. Somehow enjoy this season of lack of clarity and structure. It will one day become one of your best friends.
Hey Jim,
I recently had Hot Lips pizza with Annie in Portland while I was visiting a few weeks ago. I appreciate you connecting us. It was an amazing time. Maybe I’ll do some reading in 2 Kings tonight.
thank you for this post. it speaks so much to where my heart is as well. this journey of being healed seems to be about continually being broken before the lord… at least that’s how it feels. it’s just so refreshing to see someone else put it out there like that. i really love your writing and hope you’ll do more on here! you’ve been missed. :)
Wow. I am going to write this down and never forget it: Do you want relief? Or do you want to be healed?
Anne, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but thank you so much for your honesty, transparency and vulnerability. You’re bringing healing to so many throughout this process just by being YOU. So on behalf of them and myself – deepest thanks.
I’m so glad you have someone who is able to speak into your life in such a honest and caring manner. Thank you for sharing that as it seems to be having an impact on all of us. May God’s peace continue to permeate your life.
Thank you for the words, they encourage my very despondent and broken heart to possibly begin to hope for something good.
Anne! By George this post is awesome. I unfortunately can identify all to well with your words. Especially in the sense of finances. I, in my slow and finite wisdom, picked a career several years ago that would fulfill my “best” for me – wealth and security or so I thought. I chose to be a corporate transactional attorney and unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it)God has other plans and I am seeing now that as I face more than 16 months out of work, foreclosure and bankruptcy that God is showing himself even more clearly. I am seeing his goodness during these hard times. It is weird to me how PAIN serves as a magnifying glass that focuses in on our issues. And just as the sun does with a magnifying glass it can burn something by refracting its light. I believe that God’s light (truth) does much the same to our broken spots on our hearts as he focuses his light through the magnifying glass of pain to burn those spots in order to make us whole over time.
I feel your pain and hate that you are in such a painful place – but I also am happy that God is putting you through this because I know what lies just on the other side of this pain is more wholeness and freedom – more than you could have even dreamt for yourself before this pain came for a visit.
I will be praying for you. Please do the same for me!
I’m thankful for the work God has and is doing in your life and the way you are allowing Him to use you. Like so many others, I’m able to relate to certain elements of your journey as I’ve walked through the “relief versus healing” reality stemming from my own divorce and other deep hurts. God has asked many times: “Band-aids or surgery, Becky?” The quick and easy cover that will hide the wound for a while versus the gut-wrenching, painful process to complete wholeness. All glory to God who is patient and faithful and thorough as He walks through the process of being broken with us and then swoops us up to comfort and rebuild. You are a valuable gift to so many, Anne. Your words true and honest and raw. Thank you…and know that He is there right beside you, now more than ever.
Thanks Annes for being transparent. Having walked through two very hard years of healing I was reminded to share. God did a great work and being on the other side it is hard to remember life “before” he took me through the process of great emotional healing. Thanks for being so open reminds me to get real
You are so strong, Anne. I love seeing your little face back in my twitter feed. My prayer is that you feel secure, loved, and part of a HUGE plan; because you are.
xo
If only my face was that small in person :)
Anne, YEA YOU ARE BACK!!! We can still feel the extreme warmth and hug when we went to your taping of Life Today!!!! You just cannot imagine how happy it makes us. Tears, love, respect, preciousness from you as you sent the writings….it was Jim and me just so happy to hear from you. Reclaiming your identity….oh yes you will. You are the best in the entire Universe. Thank you for coming back!!!!!! You are so lovely inside and out!!
Jim & Carol Donnelson
Did you see the show & see you on it? :)
I love what you’re learning and sharing, Anne. Thanks for inviting us into your journey.
Thanks for being a part.
of course, it’s my pleasure.
Anne, a little over a year ago you stepped into my pain by reading my blog and gave me a dose of therapy in doing so. The hesitation one feels just before stepping into the pain every day brings the most healing because it is authenticity and knowing. Reading your post and seeing some of your pain makes that clear to me. God will continue to bless you in this time when He is carrying you in the palm of His hand.
yes, I remember…thank you for reading & praying….
Anne, I’m a little slow, but just discovered your back in Nashville and writing again. It’s good to hear you’re back among friends and community too. Many blessings, grace, peace, and God’s healing love to you in the days ahead!
Glad to see you…hope to see you guys around sometime maybe yes?
holding on to this post! beautiful, real and raw, but of course, it is amazing depth and wisdom that always flows through you as you share your pain and growth and beautiful cake-pop filled journey.
i love this “I wouldn’t say I’m back, but for now I’m here!” and I for one and delighted to see you “here”!
Thanks girl. Cake pops rock.
My friend, if I may call you that :), you are a wounded healer. Please know that your transparency in healing is serving to heal others…Thank you for that.
Thank you….
Anne, thank you so much for this. I needed it. I am in the midst of a refining process myself– and it hurts. Thank you for your transparency, as clearly, it helps many. Sending good vibes your way as you stumble towards wholeness, not alone, but with a group of fellow stumblers.
I love your blog/twitter nickname :)
Hey girl, It’s good to hear from you again. I can so relate. So so relate. It IS impossible to heal in public. I am glad you took some time away and are cognizant of the fact that healing is indeed a process – and not always a quick one or one we can control, as much as we’d like to. I am so glad for you that you are finding great community in the midst of all of this. This has been something I know I’ve been missing but cannot seem to “fix”! Be grateful for that gift!
Thanks girl. Much love.
Wow, what an insightful and penetrating piece. I’ve been through a divorce, a job loss, a prodigal son, leaving a church under bad terms, and so on, so I have some tiny understanding of what you’re going through.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13
I’d say you have more than a “tiny” understanding. God be with you.
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