Divorce is not something new to me. As I think back through my childhood, I clearly remember many of my friends’ parents getting divorced. In my mid-twenties, two of my best friends, married for almost ten years, split (as did each of their siblings, who were also friends of mine). Then two more friends…and two more.
As I shared in the post on my own divorce, I never thought my marriage would end. And while the news is still fresh in the public eye, being separated and divorced is a reality I’ve been walking through for almost a year.
Because we chose to keep our private life private as we traveled that journey, only a small group of friends, people in our church, counselors, and a few colleagues and pastors knew what we were going through. Reflecting over the last several months has awakened my analytical mind, and I’ve been intentionally processing how many of our relationships have changed, what’s added to the pain, and what’s helped relieve it.
Some questions and comments I’ve frequently heard over the last month are:
“What advice do you have for friends going through a divorce?”
“Are there any resources you’ve found that have helped you, or that you’d recommend for me to help my friends?”
“I just don’t know what to do or what to say to them.
“I don’t want to get in their business.”
Because these remarks occur on a daily basis, I thought it’d be best to share two thoughts with you – one on things that helped me and one on things that hurt.
Keep in mind, these are unique to me and every relationship is different, so please don’t assume I’m an expert by any stretch of the imagination.
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WHAT TO DO:
Be there.
Just because you don’t know what to say doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything. In fact, most of the time it’s better that you don’t say anything at all except to acknowledge what your friend is feeling is real (and is usually pretty rotten).
Here’s the catch. When a relationship is ending, especially a marriage, it physically feels as if your soul has been ripped out of your body. People going through this change will likely not have the strength to reach out to you. We will feel that we’re a burden or that the only thing we have to talk about is how sad, angry, lonely, or afraid we are. Most of us don’t want to be Debbie Downers, but we feel as if we epitomize that character in a season like this.
Not only do we not want to bring people down with us, we don’t have the strength to engage with others.
This is why it’s so important you reach out constantly to your friends. I’m an introvert and I tend to isolate myself when I’m going through a hard time. During the worst six months, I had friends texting, calling or emailing daily and at times willing to drive through snowstorms to pick me up and take me to the only open café in town with no agenda at all but to be with me. Sometimes we talked about the situation. Other times, we talked about music, or watched TV, or we didn’t even talk at all.
Knowing our friends are pursuing us helps remove the weight of loneliness that haunts us. And don’t worry…if you think you may be intruding or being overbearing, if we really need some time alone, we’ll let you know.
WHAT NOT TO DO:
Don’t disappear or blow Jesus smoke.
Don’t ignore the situation. If someone reaches out to you to even make you aware of the what’s happening, even if you have nothing to say back, just say you’re sorry. That is enough.
When I sent an email out to an expanded (but still small) group of friends and acquaintances a few weeks before my blog post went up, about 90% of the fifty or so people responded. The 10% that didn’t were people I had traveled with, shared stages with, signed books with, who had endorsed my books, or I endorsed theirs. After no response from the email, or from the blog post, or any acknowledgment whatsoever that they even received the information, I re-evaluated my relationship with them. Sadly, many of the friendships I thought were based on mutual respect weren’t. They were simply relationships of benefit and circumstance. Coming to that realization hurt, and I had to make changes in the way I view those relationships now.
There is a medical term called body dysmorphic disorder which essentially means you believe something about your body image that isn’t true. For example, many people who struggle with eating disorders literally see their bodies as being significantly larger than they are in reality. For me, this has translated into an emotional association. I realize I don’t have actual leprosy, but I often feel like a leper; that I’m contagious, or unclean. I feel people need to stay on the other side of the road. And when friends disappear, it adds to this misconception.
Please don’t disappear.
Also, don’t assume that “ministry” or cliché “Christianese” will stitch up our bleeding hearts.
Be Jesus. Don’t just talk about him.
I recently received an email from a pastor who shared about a friend currently in the middle of a divorce: “My prayer is that he will wake up to this hurting world around him and engage,” he wrote.
I can only hope this pastor’s heart is in the right place, however, I wrote him back and explained to him the last thing we can do when we are this broken is to jump back into the world and “wake up and engage” and care for others…especially when our own pain is so new.
This is one of the times the church needs to “reach in and engage with the people around them who are hurting,” not the other way around as this pastor indicated.
Please keep in mind I don’t think this implies people going through a divorce should expect to be waited on hand and foot and maintain a completely selfish existence. By making our health and recovery a priority, we will naturally emerge back into a place where we can serve out of abundance – not pressure.
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HERE IS THE BOTTOM LINE:
Be there for your friends. Grieve with them. Celebrate with them. Give them lots of chocolate and hugs and hold them tightly. Don’t worry about having nothing to say. Pursue them. Pray for them. Love them. Constantly let them know you have their back.
Don’t fall off the face of the earth. Yes, it’s uncomfortable…for both us and you.
And please, for the love of God, don’t shove Him down our throats. He’s already here with us, and we all know it. We are each made in His likeness, so go show compassion, be compassion, and live compassion instead of misusing a “happy Bible verse” to cheer someone up.
Sometimes at the right time, those scriptures are what we need to hear. But especially when the brokenness is new, most of the time we need to hear, “This sucks. I love you. And no matter what, I have your back. Always.”
Comments
53 responses to “Advice for Helping People Going Through a Divorce”
Very powerful words, Anne. Thank-you for always putting your heart out there. Sorry that you went through what you did. Honestly, more than the Catalyst “swag,” (though I’m a junkie for good Bible teaching), had you stopped in Phoenix, that’s what I was hoping to do: just give back in whatever small way I could. Hope I didn’t weird you out.
Anne,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am experiencing this with one of my best friends right now….So far I am on track with the advice you have given, but I was just thinking “am I doing the right thing”. So this is very timely. I am grateful for your heart….thank you for sharing how you are walking through this.
On another note, I have recently come out of ministry and am working my way through your book. I read it as soon as it came out, but I am really reading it now. Again, thank you!
As someone who has went through a divorce it is tough getting through the day for quite awhile. I had been married for 10 years when my wife left. Being in ministry made it even tougher because there were many days when people would give me a quick “I am sorry for what you are going through” but quickly they would switch back to “how are you going to minister to me?”. I had close friends that lived a couple hours away that were there for me the best they could. In the church it was kind of awkward…I felt like people were sorry I was going through that but wanted me to function like everything was normal…that was tough.
That makes me sad for you and Rebecca (from below). I work for a small company where I am one of the “bosses.” When I sent an email to all of the people who’s livelyhood my performance affected explaining my being distracted because of the divorce – almost everyone responded by saying that they would help in any way possible and releive me of any of my day-to-day duties that they were qualified to help with. And they meant it and followed through on their offers to help for over a year now. Its a shame that the same attitude and understanding seem to be absent in church world.
Thanks for this post Anne. I have a friend that has been dealing with divorce, and since it’s not something that I’m familiar with, I have not known good ways to help. Thanks.
Well done, Anne! I got divorced a little over a year ago, and the change in my interpersonal relationships has been so evident. I love the way that you worded this, because I’ve found it so hard to explain to people that I simply don’t have the energy to connect. The pain is so deep, the insecurity so real, if my few true friends hadn’t stood beside me week after week, my soul might have died from the pain. Being there for someone is what it is all about!
This is beautifully said, Anne. I’ve been there, but understand that each divorce is individual and complex, and can’t be compared to another.
For me, I had a friend with whom I had reconnected. We had grown up in the same small town. And I can’t find the words for how healing her presence was. We would eat Chinese food. Sometimes talk. Sometimes not. Watch movies. She would bring me warm apple cider – unannounced. And would listen when I needed to vomit words.
No prying. No Sunday School answers or Bible verses. No siding with me or against me. No taking advantage of me. No adding to the hurt and loss and sense of failure. Just sitting with me in random places around town.
My advice for anyone wondering how to be a friend, and this may sound really strange, is to watch Sofia Coppola’s movie Lost In Translation. Watch the dance and unsaid and randomness and intimacy between the Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson characters. And try some of that.
Hi Anne
I just wanted to say that I was so very sad to read about your divorce and I hope that you are doing ok. I heard you speak at Catalyst in Atlanta last year and I read Mad Church Disease over the Christmas period and it was honestly so life-changing – whatever is going on in your life right now and however much time you need to heal and move forward – take it. I lost my mother in 2009 and the first thing my pastor said to me was that they were happy for me to take my old role back and serve the way I was before she got sick – honestly I was just devastated, all I needed was to be held and loved and it turned out not many people wanted to do that.
You are a fantastic writer with so much to say and God will make away for that no matter what is going on – I look forward to your future writings and pray that you find peace, healing and love in the days that follow.
Rebecca
Do you think sometimes people don’t respond because they are afraid to “take sides”? I mean, I know that doesn’t really make sense, because we should be able to love and care for both members, but what if you related to them as a couple and you now aren’t sure if your outreach to one would be hurtful to the other? I could be over-thinking it. Reach out to both, right?
I think many people are afraid to respond “badly,” so they respond in some way that they think, or were taught, was “good,” and it turns out to be a car crashing into the existing train wreck. Emotions are so raw at that time that, actually, anything can be taken wrong. That’s where we need to love our friends no matter what they tell us, no matter how hard they may seem to push us away.
Even more than divorce, I think these things can be helpful to anyone who feels like their life has fallen apart. I’ve never been married, thus never divorced, but I did go through a time when it felt like my entire world was falling apart. Some people didn’t know how to handle my depression. I sure didn’t. I think sometimes we think people can’t understand what we’re going through because they’ve never been through our exact circumstances. You just reminded me that grief is a fairly universal language, which makes it easier for me to reach out to my hurting friends.
Well put, Brenda. I deal with depression, as well as uncontrollable panic & anxiety attacks, all too regularly. Depression is usually a worse situation to address amongst Christian friends because there’s still such a stigma against it in the church. Even in those places where that’s not true, we find enough “evidence” to support that notion — or that people “won’t understand us” (and, honestly, some do not … I tell them to be glad they don’t) — that we feel like closing the shell around us all the more tightly.
Your words were so like what I went through. Felt as if every atom within me was being torn apart from itself. And healing took a long time. Give yourself time. Know that many of us, your readers, DO believe in you and are not only praying for you, but will continue to do so.
very well said anne. when i went through something similar, many of my friends vanished and later said it was because they felt guilty. guilty they were happy and i was hurting. so, some people vanish because they are twisted. others vanish because they do not know how to be present. i am so sorry for your hurt, from all sides.
We have never met. I started reading your blog a couple of years ago. The “flowerdust” name made me want to see what you were writing about. And I have never gone through a divorce. But, have watched the pain in friends.
I love the way you laid it out. You are not contagious, for sure. But you have the experience, strength, and hope of the friends you have surrounded yourself with. From sea to shining sea.
You are already doing the right things for you. Except for the isolating thing. And thinking no one cares. In recovery, one thing I’ve learned is that I have to change my expectations about others behaviors. If I set them too high, I will surely be disappointed or mad. Not a good thing when that leads to resentments. That I then need to deal with!! Learning new boundaries isn’t always easy, but you have to set them for you. Some relationships, as you indicated, may not survive. Some are just toxic & best left until you are stronger. Or never in a few cases.
I’ve learned over the past few years, to be a better friend. A better listener. A better suggester. To stay positive & upbeat. To be empathetic. To love & not judge. And to always have chocolate available, in case of emergencies. :)
Thanks for sharing. I often don’t know what to say in those situations. I have a friend that is going through a very rough separation right now (involving an unborn child too..its ripping him apart) and my instinct so far has been to simply be there for him and listen. Truthfully, this post has been an answer to a prayer because I honestly didn’t know if I was doing the right thing for him right now. Seems like I am and this was a confirmation for me. Thanks. :-)
yes. this is very good. Journey takes time. Be Grace. Be Love. Be Life. Cuz sometimes that is the only thing to help someone who is one the emotional doorsteps of hell to look up and believe life can and will get better.
Like people who don’t have kids can’t relate too well to a mom of a toddler and understand her reality, if divorce hasn’t touched you personally, you probably really don’t have much TO say.
Yet it is always good to remember that most people (if not all) speak out of their own pain. So whatever is said prolly has more to do abt them and their situation than you and yours. So those who offer the “happy Bible verse” are for the most part “unaware” and haven’t met the only Real Jesus who is the only One who is actually sufficient to hold and handle your pain.
And this. By judging from a far (out of fear) you miss a really big opportunity to enter someone else’s story and open yourself up to walking in their pain, your own personal growth and Christlikeness.
Just be real. No matter what comes up. We all Journey together. In divorce one is invited to really come in contact with their humanity. THis is the only path to finding Divinity. It’s why Jesus became human.
I hope I was one of those who reminded you that we “have your back.” I recall thinking that; I hope I mentioned it.
For the public record I’m still married (17 years this May), and often I’m not sure why my wife still puts up with me. My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage, though I expected it to happen after 10 (I was 8 years old at that time). Two cousins are also divorced … the two I was always closest to in my early years. I’ve seen way too many divorces. I’ve also seen God work through those divorces for good.
What you describe, Anne, is something that really isn’t limited to marital separation. My wife, Joy, and I went through something horrifyingly similar when we left a “megachurch” after being heavily involved therein for 8 years. We discovered who were our true “siblings in the Spirit,” and who took us for granted. I guess some of them just “put up with us” out of a mutated sense of “unity” or something.
Anyhow, sweet sister in Christ, I’ve still got your back, as do many of your e-friends. We may be subject to your attentiveness to emails or blog posts, but you’ll be encouraged when you “make the mistake” of popping in again. ;)
Anne,
Great post! I believe that what you have written can be applied across a wide variety of situations including divorce. The bottom line is having people willing to be there with you and for you….even when you would rather stick your head in the sand.
Praying for you during this transition time…
Susie A.
Anne, we have never met, but your 2 books have been a part of my healing. I follow you on twitter and pray for you when I see your name pop up in my timeline. I can’t even imagine what you are going thru and won’t pretend to. All I can say is “I am sorry, and I will be praying for you.”
Thank you for your post. Really helpful. In many situations.
It is difficult for “The Church” to respond to people who are going through a divorce because, I think, it is perceived as a foreign concept because God said that divorce is not allowed except for marital unfaithfulness (“sexual immorality” according to the ESV).
But this is a misconception, or maybe a better word is misunderstanding, on the part of “The Church.”
Anne, you speak a powerful Truth. The Church needs to “be Jesus” for you and all those dealing with any kind of pain, rather than beat people over the head with Jesus and Jesus-like platitudes.
Jesus dealt face-to-face with a divorced woman, I think. She was divorced as many as five times. Apparently, after the fifth husband she finally said, “The heck with this” and bypassed a marriage covenant to simple “live with” a sixth man.
What Jesus said was very powerful. Jesus knows the conditions of this woman’s life. Even more interesting, He knows the conditions of her heart. And knowing this, Jesus says to her, “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:14 ESV)
Jesus offers her, in essence, His love and grace (living water). He doesn’t side-step her divorce or current living conditions. He deals with that, too. But Jesus addresses that from His love for her, not any kind of condemnation.
Hey Church! Are you listening to Jesus? Let’s follow His lead in this!
Sweet friend, Thank you for telling your story. And for being willing again to allow your pain to be part of healing others.
My sister-in-love just spent the weekend with us. She and my brother are in the process of a divorce. Civil, just like you and Chris. And EXCRUCIATING. Just like.
She is my sister. I do not know how to think of her other. We talked about how it is impossible to imagine her not being part of her lives. We will not let it happen.
I do not know what to say to her or my brother. I know pain, but not this pain. But, I do know how to be with them. To listen. I know how to love persistently. Thank you for letting me know this is what they need most. For reminding me it is more cowardly to do nothing than to love “inadequately”.
I love you.
While our situations are different (my son died after birth in 2002), your perspective and words give such great insight on how to help (and not help)a hurting friend. Thank you for sharing!
Anne, thank you so much for this post. I wish I had read this about ten years ago. I failed miserably with 2 friends. I believed my job was to save the marriage at whatever cost. I was so young, deceived and arrogant and I lost dear friends. I cry still thinking about it.
The church needs to hear this!
Anne,
Spot on today. As one who has gone through a divorce, your advice is just what I needed…and sadly, really didn’t get for the most part. Praying for you, and thanks for sharing your walk through this with us. It’s not just going through a divorce we need this advice, but to be there for all going through emotional traumas. Thanks again…I’m encouraged and sharpened by your words.
My sister just went through a divorce, from my husbands brother. We had married brothers and wow I can totally from watching her go through this see how inadequately alot of people deal with other peoples divorces. It has taught me a great deal because the truth is none of us are immune to this happening in our lives even if we believe we are. Thank you for once again opening up about personal feelings and things that most people avoid for sake of continuing a sociatal norm.
You and only you, Anne Jackson can share exactly what is needed at the PERFECT time. After serving in Sr. Pastoring, as you know, 38 years, and of course we have retired, our son met with us and told us he filed for divorce after thirteen years of marriage. My hubby said he didn’t understand why he (our son) didn’t discuss it. Me, I send incredible, encouraging cards. But your sharing today’s writings, we both can see now the energy escaping, and he owning his own Company uses that energy to keep it going for child support and the needs of a great father he has always been. Thank you, Anne, we now have the answers. We love you for being so open and what you have said!!! Hugs and see you at “Life Today” Taping!!!
Anne, This is amazing. It has been 4 yrs since my ex-husband dropped the bomb on me. I never thought I would be a statistic when it came to divorce. Then again no one does! Thank you for writing this. I love you my dear friend and hope you have a good weekend!!
Thank you for this honest post. My sister is going through a divorce and your words give me more ideas on bow to support her. I am sorry for your own loss.
thank you for posting this Anne. i think what you said is applicable to a spectrum of situations in life. i often feel very similar going through the realities of being a mom to a child with special needs. mourning the loss of dreams i had for her, for me, for our family. dealing with uncontrollable seizures and developmental problems. i deal with all the same things you mentioned and think the advice you gave is spot on.
Thank you for writing this Anne! I am sad that you are in such a painful place right in your life. So much pain.
I agree with Nicky. I look back at my life and the times that I have hurt, felt isolated, lonely or judged (miscarriages, financial devastation, struggles with our special needs child, mental illness. etc.) and your do & don’t list fits times like that very well. Receiving silence, avoidance and absence, due to the excuse of not knowing what to say or do, is the pits!
This is so good. I wish I could have sent this post to my friends and family when I was going through my divorce. I didn’t know how to explain it but this is exactly how I felt.
Praying for you, Anne.
You nailed it! I think that this is wisdom that can be tailored for just about any painful situation. Bravo, Anne.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am a divorce attorney and try to help people through these difficult situations and life transitions, but it is always hard to reach the people around them. I do think it so very important for people who are going through this to know that there are so many resources available – church, friends, counseling, etc. However, it is also true that so many people will distance themselves from the person struggling; often at a time when the person needs friendship the most.
Great post, Anne. This really helps me to know what to do with friends who are going through it right now.
Well said! I, much like you, keep private private. No one knew of my troubles in my marriage that went back to the beginning and so others were SHOCKED. They were more consumed with how my personal tragedy affected them. The support from those I expected just did not exist. But fortunately I had others step up and offer support. One of those “others” is now my husband so I’m thankful for my tragedy, the lack of support from those I believed were “suppose” to be there because I’m stronger and happier.
Anne,
I have not been to your blog in a while so I have missed your news. My heart breaks for you. I pray that you are getting all of the hugs, chocolate and silent sit-alongs that you need. Blessings to you.
Thank you for this post. Wish I could translate it and give it to some of the people in my life. Coming from a country where divorce is deemed taboo and the blame is always on the women. Sometimes I feel like a leper or have a huge scarlet letter sticthed to my forehead. I have friends who stand by my sides but honestly it is my religious families that drives me insane. From being preached to take my soon-to-be-ex back and let forgiveness go down to keep praying that God will change his cheating heart. No one ever get divorce in my family before so…they are backing down slowly now that my separation has been going on for over a year but some still treat me differently when they found out about my status. Thank you again for giving voice to someone in my situation.
Anne,
I can not thank you enough for writing this. As someone who is at the tail end of the divorce process, I am both grateful for these perfect words of wisdom, and heartbroken for the girl who is writing them. Please know that I have been, and will continue to, lift you up in prayer for healing, clarity, and the peace that passes all understanding.
Anne,
I’ve enjoyed reading and following you in your journey. I hurt with you in this season of change, hurt, and unknown. I wonder if you have heard the music – especially the lyrics – of Sara Beth Geoghegan? For some reason I think you might find them very authentic, very encouraging, and dare I say, a bit healing. I wrote a brief post about it on my blog (with links to the appropriate places). OK, back to quietly observing and praying.
http://gnarlypop.wordpress.com/2010/12/15/moving-lyrics/
When my ex-husband and I split we’d been together for nearly 30 years. Our closest friends were people we’d literally grown up with – gone through school with, spent every holiday and special occasion with, sat in hospital waiting rooms as children were being born. And yet, all but one couple suddenly disappeared from both our lives – no attempt to communicate – like they were afraid they’d “catch” divorce. Ironically, my ex and I remain friends today, but despite repeated attempts to “reconnect” neither one of us will give the time of day to those people who we used to view as extended family.
I’m so sorry, Anne. I’m sorry for your pain. And if I were to run into you, I’ll give you a big hug and then give you some of the Ghiradelli chocolates I just bought in San Fran.
Thanks for the advice to the rest of us about divorce. I have little experience with it so it will be heeded.
I’ll be sharing your perspective with the people in my world. Thanks for being vulnerable with your readers and for giving us some “hands on” counsel.
I know many women who’d shout a hearty AMEN to what you have written today, who’d only wish that they’d had the energy to have said these things to their friends along the way …
[…] my sweet friend Anne poured her heart onto the page on behalf of those walking through the heart-rending pain and loneliness of divorce. She said the […]
Job 2:12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
This is the only thing Job’s friends did right. But, i believe that if we were to take this same approach in helping others through grief and loss, we’d be much more like Christ.
[…] How can we be the Church to people going through divorce? Anne Jackson has some ideas. […]
my hubby is in the airforce i am 7 months preg and on v day 2011 he told me he wants a divorce i feel so lost and sad all time
This post is so on point and well written, Anne. I’ve read and re-read it and thank you for your transparency, honesty, and bravery. Totally on point. Having lived through both a divorce, and then the death of my son, what you’ve written resonates with both situations, especially (and sadly) within the confines of “religion” and the “church”. For quite some time I didn’t have the strength or presence of mind to even ask for help. I am forever grateful for those who weren’t afraid of my pain and desolation. Those who dared to come near and stay close, and at great cost to some of them. They were few, but they were the face, hands, and heart of God to me at a time when God seemed to have gone totally absent. So thankful for who you are and the way in which you write and speak freely. Hoping to catch you at Catalyst East in October. Prayers for the journey.
[…] Anne Jackson writes here out of the pain of personal experience. I discovered her website while reviewing her book, Mad Church Disease. A great book on burnout and the church that I would highly recommend. […]
I’ve never been married, but I’ve been though two divorces My parents’ divorce at age 19 and my mom’s divorce last year. It was horrible…and I experienced it in the backseat, not in the front seat like you. I’m praying for both you and Chris during this difficult time and thank you for being so open with all that’s going on.
well said, Anne. I went through my divorce a little over a year ago. You’re so very spot on. Thank you for writing this. I recall a friend of mine at church who did one of the best things for me through my divorce. He’d give me a big bear hug every Sunday. He’d been through a divorce and knew the pain. Sometimes those bear hugs were the only reason i went to church.
Divorce sucks…I was raised by my father, and by the time I was 18 he was on marriage#4. My wife Sharon and I have been married for 18 years and the divorce stuff lingers into the lives of my kids as they have 3 sets of grandparents. I ponder this as my wife and I are going to a marriage retreat this upcoming weekend.
I’ve said a pray for you AJ…and for the folks in comments section…
At the advice of a spiritual leader in my life, I am closing comments on this post & have deleted any we deemed not edifying to the body as a whole.