Things have been quiet for me online for the last few months, and that’s been very intentional. Time is a limited commodity, and I needed to invest it in my marriage and my faith.
When I turned thirty years old, I had a birthday dinner. Thirty is kind of a milestone, so I decided to go a little fancy: a dozen friends and colleagues at a upscale bistro. I look back at pictures from that night.
I was smiling. Glowing. Maybe even radiant.
Some people dread turning thirty. I looked forward to it. It had a sense of accomplishment. Of being grown up. Of responsibility. Stability.
Well, thirty fooled me. There’s been little stability. Little accomplishment, at least personally – and let’s face it – that’s what matters most. Lots of mistakes. Lots of grief, hope, and uncertainty. Right now, I’m extremely afraid of what the future holds. At the same time, over the last year, I’ve never felt more cocooned in a loving and warm community.
I guess that’s a paradox of pain and vulnerability.
This month, I turn thirty one. There’s no fanfare around thirty-first birthdays. There’s nothing special. And for me, this birthday is more infantile in some regard. I’m awkwardly pulling myself up and trying to take my first steps (again).
You see, I never expected to be divorced at the age of thirty one. Or ever.
But I am.
Yes, I am.
(As I sit and type these words, it seems surreal. If it weren’t for my heart racing and the deep breaths I am struggling to take as I type and re-read this post, I would think I am having some sort of out of body experience.)
Chris and I got married on June 27, 2003 in Kansas City. An almost eight year marriage was a flag I waved loud and proud. I thought we were strong. I thought we were invincible. And as a wise man once said, it’s pride that comes before a fall.
As a friend of mine shared with me, I can see why the Scriptures say God hates divorce. It’s not that he hates either of us (although at times, it’s easy to believe otherwise), but he hates what the brokenness of divorce does to the very souls of a man and his wife. He hates what it does to the people who love them. And even the people who maybe they’ve never met.
We both are extremely heartbroken. The last year has been a roller coaster for us and those near us. We have felt helpless. We have felt hopeful. We have been hurt by each other. We have been helped by each other. And we both love each other. And we both support each other as we continue to walk forward.
But our relationship has changed. Our marriage is over.
I realize this news may disappoint some of you. If it does, I’m sorry. I am disappointed. Chris is disappointed. As many have said, nobody goes into a marriage thinking it will end because what you have is different and is special. You never would imagine there will be a season when your body aches and you are desperate for the relief sleep brings because of how much you’ve wept at the death of something so sacred, so familiar, so full of expectation.
In order to respect both mine and Chris’ privacy, I would ask that you not make assumptions or get involved in any conversations that make assumptions on “what happened?” I know that is the question of the hour when things like this are disclosed and I have seen (and at times spoken) ugly and untrue things when others I know have not lived up to my (or even their own) expectations.
Then why?
I ask myself that question often, too. It’s complex, as most life-changing decisions are. As we have walked down this dark road, we have been surrounded by family, friends, spiritual mentors, counselors, and groups. We have been entirely open and truthful with these people, and some things – like the details of ending our relationship – aren’t meant for public consumption. Please trust me when I say we have not taken lightly the many consequences the decision of a divorce brings, and without any further explanation than this, I will simply say that our marriage was broken. It’s odd to type that, as if a marriage is a toy or a gadget that just “breaks.” But because it is layered with so many things, that’s the only word I can find to describe our circumstances.
We, along with God and others in our lives, have tried desperately to fix it, to bring it back to life, to see a broken covenant redeemed. But in order to preserve peace and love in our relationship, our marriage ended.
With a broken heart, that’s all I can say.
What about “Permission to Speak Freely?” I still believe it — now more than ever. The details, the pain, the mistakes, the frustrations are meant to be shared and as stated earlier, have been shared. But they are to be shared privately with those who are closest to us. That is what we have done.
And it’s with an unspeakable pain that I share this news with you.
___
With this change in life, I’ve decided to take a considerable amount of time off from a busy schedule to allow myself to love and be loved. To take time to listen instead of talk. To heal. To continue fanning the flame of the fire that is burning up any kind of ego I had tied to my identity. To continue getting help and counseling.
I wrestled with writing this, but Chris and I both agreed it was a good idea because we have shared much of our lives with you, and you have shared much of your lives with us. We value that, and don’t take it for granted at all. Thank you for that privilege. I also wrestled with turning comments off on this post, but am taking the advice of others and leaving them open, hoping and praying regardless of your view on this decision, you will exercise grace and humility in your words. I am not the only one reading these comments. Please keep that in mind. Obviously, our hearts are broken and grieving and I will openly admit I am terrified of what could potentially be said. But I take full responsibility for my decisions and actions and with my faith, family, and friends, take one shaky step at a time as life continues down a new and different path.
We appreciate you, your prayers, and your grace during this time, and the times to come.
With love,
Anne
Comments
232 responses to “Why God Hates Divorce – A Big Life Change for Me”
i love you and Chris as much now as i did years ago and not a shred of this changes that. i am praying for how others may respond to this news and for the protection of your heart throughout those comments, this transition and rebuilding.
Anne,
Please know we care and hurt and pray and love with you and for you both. May God’s Spirit bring healing and hope for the road ahead and God’s grace be real as you seek to reorder your lives.
Phil
Anne, you are in my thoughts and prayers. May God’s mercy and grace cover and cradle you and Chris in the midst of a such a jarring experience.
Sorry….loss of a relationship is always tough.
Love y’all.
Praying for your transition and super sad to lose you to the west coast. But I’ll come visit. Don’t you worry about that. Summers in Scotland, winters in the OC? Done and done. :)
My prayers are truly with the both of you. I know this time has got to be so hard to navigate through. My heart breaks for the pain I know comes along with Divorce. God’s grace is sufficient. Never forget that. Cling tightly to His love, seek His wisdom and guidance and know His grace is enough. Much Love!
I know you are a friend of crystals….and I don’t know you personally…but I know how much you mean to Crystal. Please know that you will be covered in daily prayer as you grieve, heal, and let God use this new thread as it’s woven into the fabric of your life. I am sure every day will bring a new wave of emotions as you leave the familiar and go into unknown territories.
I wish words could bring with them some sort of healing, but I know that only our Creator can truly bring that, and with time. Just have peace and know that you have a prayer covering around you, and if you have anything specific you need prayer for you have a group of people that are standing by willing.
Much love…
Sorry to hear this Anne. Thank you for writing about it.
Anne…praying for you and Chris moving forward. Sorry to hear about this dark time you’re going through.
Praying for both your hearts at this time. God is near to the broken hearted. No provisos.
anne…i want you to know that you are loved so deeply and that you and chris are in my prayers during this difficult season…you are my friend and a hero and God is using you in a powerful way…may you feel the incredible comfort of his grace right now…but also be certain that i and so many others are standing with you…and believe in you…and are honored to call you our friend and our sister…peace….mike foster.
Anne –
Just know that you are loved by God and by those who have followed you here. Always a voice of vulnerability and truth, I pray that God uses this experience to draw you closer to Him and teach you new lessons. I grieve for the loss that you and Chris are processing but rest assured God has great plans for you both. His grace is enough and you are covered in His love. Thanks be to God for his unfathomable grace.
Praying for you Friend.
I couldn’t have said it more beautifully than Aaron M did… ditto, and Amen.
May the arms of grace, community and love surround you both gently during this difficult journey.
Anne….I am so so sad to read this post. Both You and Chris have my love, thoughts and prayers as you both seek to take steps in a new direction. God’s love for you both has not changed one tiny bit. The ocean of God’s mercy and kindness still surrounds you guys. Love to you both…Billy
Thank you for being honest about where you are, Anne. It takes courage to say things outloud to we’d rather keep to ourselves. Your personal “Permission to Speak Freely” moment is modeled through this post. I will pray for you as you journey through this loss. May Jesus be closer than ever.
I can’t express how sad I am for you both, I can feel the heartache in your words and my heart aches with you both.
Anne, I’ve been impressed, even jealous, of your ability to be transparent with your past hurt and stumbles. You’ve taken this to a whole new level, for that I say thank you and bravo. I believe other marriages will be lifted up because it, I believe others that are going/will go through divorce will find healing in your words.
I will pray, over and over for you:
Lord, watch over Anne during this really tough time. Of course, my biggest request is that you would do what you do and bring Chris and Anne back together but if not, please protect Anne. You know how heavy this weight is to carry and I ask that you’d be the lifter of her head, that she could continue to face forward, knowing that while the chaos may be loud you are a god of order and that you are her deliverer. Please remind her over and over how beautiful you see her every time you look at her. Amen.
Michael, you constantly blow me away with your sensitivity and grace. Your words, your prayer are pure beauty.
Anne,
We are so sorry for both you and Chris in this season of hurt. I can’t imagine the struggle of living out a situation like this with an audience watching, reading, having opinions. I can only imagine the fear and dread of a post like this going live, but I agree completely that-
“some things – like the details of ending our relationship – aren’t meant for public consumption.”
As well they shouldn’t be. My husband and I will pray for you today, specifically, in the public response to this news, and when your name is brought to mind, I will pray for
redemption and healing.
Thank you for serving the world with your words over the years.
Thankful that we serve a God who heals the broken hearted. Praying for you as you both make this transition. God is faithful to fix us all and we all are broken. Looking forward to what He brings out of the ashes.
Enjoy the West Coast and Community.
I’m so sorry, Anne. *hugs*
Friend…I am so, so sorry for you and Chris. I am not disappointed in you; I trust that you both made efforts to reconcile and avoid this decision. My heart hurts for you.
I agree 100% that the details of this process are private. Please know, though, that Joy and I would be willing to pray with you via phone – or just talk, if that is what you would need. Though we connected in person only once, we connected a good bit via your blog, e-mail, etc.
I have not walked this new road you are traveling, but I am sure it is hard some days just to take one step. I also know there is a great God who can do a great work of healing and redemption.
“He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3 (NIV)
Much love in Christ…John & Joy
My heart breaks for you. You both are in my prayers.
Oh Anne…as someone who has experienced the pain of divorce, my heart hurts for you and for Chris. Your willingness to be vulnerable and open is so appreciated. I pray that you continue to be surrounded by those with tender hearts and that you quite literally feel the arms of Jesus wrapped around you as you heal and move forward. I also pray that your transparency be met with grace and compassion.
I’m grieving with you, Anne. I’ve been there and I know how difficult this is. Praying for grace and restoration of both of your hearts.
May God bless you both during this season. Surround yourself with His love and the love of those who will support and encourage you.
Anne, as sorry as I am for what you or Chris are going through right now, I still stand behind and support you. I’m praying for you that you will find the peace and comfort you need to make it through this time. It’s another chapter in your life story that may not be turning out how you intended but God is the author and He hasn’t written the last chapter yet.
I’m praying God’s best for you and Chris both.
Anne, so sorry for both of you that it has come to this. You are right. Nobody starts out looking for this end. Our prayers are with you and Chris, and we’ll look forward to your healed return.
Prayer is all I can offer you but I will do so abundantly. May your broken heart find peace and rest. God will heal – that is His promise.
Anne… As someone who has been through a divorce, i’m truly sorry you and chris are walking through this. I know it’s painful and tough but it’s ok. You both are loved and supported and i’m proud of how you are walking through it.
I love how you wrote this post…
Anne & Chris- My heart has grieved with you both for the past month! I love you both and know that God definately is not done with you two! You both have so much to give and share with others in your own way and the best thing is that we serve a God that loves! How amazing to have those arms wrapped around us at all times and while he hates divorce he loves you two! Praying you both will continue to follow the path he has for you and as always I’m here!
Anne, I am heartbroken for both you and Chris. Finding love and maintaining relationships is so very difficult. I know you have many close friends and that your faith is strong. Looking forward to when you are able to return to us in print and blog. Best wishes for your future.
Praying for you both. Hard road, hard decisions. I am so sorry.
Anne,
I had just turned four the day that my parents explained to me that they were getting divorced. It was and is the most painful day of my life, and has left me shaken in my beliefs about love and relationships for the past seventeen and a half years. It’s taken me a long time to see redemption in my family and my life.
The one thing I know unshakably is that God has caused no season in my life unintentionally, and though that doesn’t always bring me great joy, it gives me a great deal of confidence—if not hope. I know that things are never out of control.
I hope that gives you some comfort in this season, and that from this point forward in your life you will find joy. I hope that you love California and that your family of friends there will quickly become a new home to you. I hope that you prosper spiritually in that community and see God’s glory in it’s beauty.
My heart hurts for you…for both of you. Praying your experience of all God is – grace, love & peace – will overwhelm you. And praying your heart heals in His timing…with the peace in knowing God turns crap into fertilizer. I hope all you pour into others pours back into your life. You are loved.
Your honesty and vulnerability are courageous! Please know that you and Chris are surrounded by prayers and God’s love! These are the times that we struggle with understanding God’s plan for our life and doubt can creep in. Just rest strong in the promise that he will always be there and never leave you alone! Praying for you, my friend!
My heart breaks for you both girl. I have been praying for you for a long time now and I will continue to. I actually kind of accidentally put two post it notes a few months back on my mirror with your name on it to remind me to pray for you. God knew I guess what I didn’t.
You are loved and if you need a hug, or someone just to sit and listen before you head out, I’m here. I will be praying for the Lord to continue to provide arms to hold you up as you journey to Cali. Sending one of those hugs your way.
Hey Anne,
Thanks for sharing this part of your life. I can’t imagine to understand what both you and Chris are going through right now. I’ll be praying for you two and if you ever need anything, please let me know. Much Love from the Venture & Ride:Well Staff.
Josh
Your honesty and vulnerability are courageous! Please know that you and Chris are surrounded by prayers and God’s love! These are the times that we struggle with understanding God’s plan for our life and doubt can creep in. Just rest strong in the promise that he will always be there and never leave you alone! Praying for you, my friend!
Anne,
I’m so sorry to hear this news, but our prayers and love are with you.
Anne, I join with these friends to say that we love you and are praying for you. I cannot imagine the sorrow and pain you are experiencing. But know that you are not alone. You are strong. You are loved. You will get through this.
Thank you for your transparency, even in such a difficult season of your life. You are such an inspiration.
Anne,
I’ve been reading your blog for about 6 months now (after picking up and flying through “Permission to Speak Freely”). My prayers go out to you and Chris in this excruciating time. Know that you have people praying for the both of you that have never met you in person, and may never meet face to face. We walk through these seasons for a reason, and it may not be obvious now or ever (I’m walking through one of those now myself). Just know that God the Father loves you and Chris and weeps for you too.
I will be praying that God brings you through these troubled times with strength..
That’s so awful – praying for you.
Anne:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and your words have always made me feel so less alone. You speak from a place in the heart that I’m searching to find. I’m so sorry for the loss of your marriage. I am praying for you. And Chris.
Wow. My heart just hurts for both you and Chris. But in the midst of that, I’m glad to read the responses that have been posted thus far, to see the true caring and support in them and to know you both are receiving the care and support from those closest to each of you.
Prayers lifted up for you and Chris.
Praying with you, Anne.
Anne –
As i shared before – i am grateful to know that we serve a God who loves to write STRAIGHT using CROOKED lines.
Although this time may appear to be a CROOKED one for you and Chris, my prayer is that you both will encounter the love and grace of God like never before. He is still writing…
Love ya!
I am so sorry for you and Chris right now. Know you are being covered in more prayers than you can imagine from people you don’t even know.
My heart breaks for you & Chris. You will continuously be in my prayers. You are loved!!!!
I’ve always appreciated your raw and courageous honesty. It’s been encouraging to me. My heart sunk as I read your post, but thanks for being consistent and writing it. I can’t imagine how hard that was. My prayers and grief go out to you both.
When grace rains down, it’s the valley’s that fill first. Be well, Anne!
Jason, Did you come up with that? “When grace rains down, it’s the valley’s that fill first” I needed that badly and want to make sure I quote the right person. Thanks!
There are no words I have to match your bravery. I will–as I have been–be praying for you, Chris, your move, and reconciliation within your heart.
Welcome to the best coast,
B
I know exactly how you feel. I never thought I would be divorced either. This was my life a year ago. However, I will be following my own dreams now, moving to a new state this summer, following a path I never imagined I would be on.
It’s funny you had this set for today. Yesterday on Facebook, in one of the Bible pages I follow, the passage quoted was about divorce. What a storm of replies it received. It’s a good thing God is a loving and forgiving God because of what the Bible says about divorce.
Thanks for the brave and honest post
May God richly bless you both
You & Chris are in my prayers.
Anne,
Although I don’t know you personally except through your blog and books, my heart is breaking for you both right now.
Thank you for your courage and never-ending transparency and know that you have many friends praying for both of you… even if you don’t know us personally.
Much love, grace and peace to you.
rs
I think this is the first time I’ve ever written on your blog comments. I understand what pain you are going through because I’m walking that same path right now. My wife and I are still separated, and she has asked me if I got legal counsel yet. So that signals the death knell for a 9 year marriage.
I feel your pain and will continue to support you. I too know what it feels like to have a ‘broken’ marriage.
So I am here, along with everyone else.
Anne, I am grieved for you. As I have followed you for the past few years, your words have as often rebuked as given comfort and I thank you for sharing your life with Us. Because of your willingness to share, I often felt understood and hopeful, pointed back to Christ, when my own community left me feeling too broken for healing. My prayer will be that you will find comfort, healing, peace and strength to move forward.
Sad news all around. Just read this before I read your post and thought it seemed good to share.
“God loves you and He is out for your betterment all the time whether it looks like it or not or whether you ever heard it or not!” – Kenneth Copeland via the BVOV
Blessings, Anne.
Anne:
My heart goes out to you and Chris during this time. As someone who has walked this same path, I can relate to much of the pain you bothight be feeling. Know you are loved, supported, and covered in prayers. Continually.
Peace for the journey. To both of you.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kate Baker, Anne Jackson. Anne Jackson said: {via autopilot} Why God Hates Divorce – A Big Life Change for Me http://bit.ly/h7OILq […]
I only know you through your writing but I feel connected to you in some way. Feel loved in Cali, stand by the ocean and allow the wind to move through your soul and heal your broken heart. Allow the sun to fill you with hope and give the sea permission to wash away your sadness. Thank you for your honesty and
I am praying for you to find gratefulness and abundance so that you may write again.
All I can offer are the lyrics to a song that has comforted me through the years. It’s from the Gaithers:
Signature Sound Quartet – Something About That Name/I Will Serve Thee
Chorus:
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there’s just something about that name, Master, Savior, Jesus, like a fragrance after the rain, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim, Kings and kingdoms will all pass away, but there’s something about that name
I will serve thee because I love thee, You have given life to me, I was nothing until you found me, You have given life to me, Heartaches, broken pieces, ruined lives are why You died on Calvary, Your touch was what I longed for, You have given life to me
Lyrics provided by Christian Lyrics
Catalyst loves you & Chris. So sorry to hear about your broken relationship. May God overwhelm you both with his grace, love and forgiveness moving forward.
We are praying for you and Chris at the Ride:Well/Venture Expeditions office. Let us know if there is anything we can do for you in this time of need.
-Aaron
No one comes to a decision like this easily, but if things were perfect, no one would have to ever get divorced. So while I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through, this may have been the best thing to do. Now, you can move on with your life, connect with old friends and family, and finally put some closure on whatever problems you were having. It’s a new beginning. Turn to your closest friends when times get tough and they’ll help you get through this.
Anne, I can’t imagine the pain and sadness you are feeling right now. I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and I will be praying for healing for you both.
Anne,
So sad for you both. You will be in my prayers.
Anne-
I am so, so sorry for your news. I pray that the 2 of you would only be lifted up and encouraged, and that everyone around you may be used to comfort you instead of bring even more hurt. I pray that you will be blessed by those around you and that you would fee Him nearer each day.
Much love and peace.
This sucks.
For you and Chris.
I’m sorry.
Nothing but grace for you both friend.
But not from us.
Because you don’t need grace from us.
We give grace with agenda.
You get it from Jesus Himself.
Which is so much better than us.
See you in Cali chica.
Los
anne,
thank you for your transparency and honesty…something that is rare these days….i will be praying for you….as you have prayed for me and been there for me in my dark hour.
…there are so many hurting people around us and many people bury their pain. i hope and pray that others will be able to learn from your transparency….not to be afraid of honesty and pain and imperfection….
hugs….
jen
The only thing I would add to the song above is that it was a privilege for Lisa and I to meet you last fall. We are praying for you and Chris. If you happen to pass through Phoenix on your way west, and are in need of a warm meal, look us up. Understand if this is outside your comfort zone. Just wanted to put it out there.
Anne, so sorry. You and Chris will be in my prayers as you navigate the coming weeks and months. I pray God’s grace be extended to you via His Spirit and His people. You are seen… Scott
Thank you so much for your honesty and courage. Much love for you, sister. Stay in touch.
your words – from the broken – to the broken. you’re one of us Anne. good to have you :) i hope the paradox of life amidst death, joy amidst pain, and peace amidst chaos confuses you today. oh to know how deep the Father’s love for us…
your’re family anne, and you are loved! thanks for letting us cover you today…
Anne,
Your honesty in this heartfelt post is commendable. Thank you for sharing — I am certain that there are others who will be positively impacted by your words.
Best,
Ed
Anne, I’m praying for you and Chris. Grace beyond grace goes out to you. Blessings…
Prayers with you both. Can’t imagine the hurt you are both experiencing.
your words – from the broken – to the broken…you’re one of us :) i hope the paradox of life from death, joy from pain, peace from chaos confuses you today.
you’re family anne, and you’re so loved. thanks for letting us cover you.
see you soon!
No hate here. Love to you and prayers and hope. Be well. God bless!
Anne,
I am so sad to read this! You have been/continue to be such an inspiration. As a women, it is so good to see you be so vulnerable and transparent, a trait I have yet to be comfortable with! I pray for you and Chris. I pray peace, love, and understanding for you both.
Take the time you need to heal, but please don’t stop being a ambassador for Christ. The body of Christ needs someone who is willing to put their life out there, and show that life is not always great, sometimes not even fair or ok, but that with and through Christ there is healing. Please continue to let us know how we can pray for you and Chris. You have so many people that love and respect you!
los is right – this sucks. you are loved, my friend. praying right now for healing…
I’ve been through divorce. It’s one of the most suckiest things in the world. My prayers are with you guys.
I echo what everybody else has said, Anne. Please know that I’m always #Praying4AJ, even though we only know each other through the electornic medium. Should you ever find yourself visiting Jamie @ TWLOHA in Cocoa Beach, you’ve got a major hug waiting for you about 20 miles south in West Melbourne.
You have helped me so much, Anne. I can only hope & pray that, one day, I’ll be able to return the favor.
You will always be loved!
Anne,
Though we’ve never met in person, I feel like I’ve grown up with you on the same street. Even though I don’t personally know what this pain is like, I know that it’s definitely a hard thing to deal with, and because of this ‘connective feeling’, I felt like this was happening to me.
I wish you and chris the best in the coming days. Thank you for your courage and strength. I’ll be thinking of and praying for you during this time.
Oh Anne, my heart aches for you both right now. My prayer is that God Himself would hold you in the hollow of His hand as you walk through this time of grief and healing, and that your friends and family would be His heart and His hands to you in such a tender way. Welcome to the west coast. I know for me, there’s just something about the ocean… so healing about being able to just go sit and stare at the ocean when I need to.
Anne and anyone else who reads this, it is always a great tragedy to see the covenant of marriage fall to pieces. My parents are dealing with is right now and even though they have managed to stay together and are getting counseling, theirs was a “moral failure.” I understand how you and Chris feel about keeping each other intact by ending your relationship…there have been many times over the past seven to eight years that I have wished my parents would have done just that. You write about fear in, “Permission to Speak Freely,” and I have to admit watching marriages around me, that I am afraid, as a Christian, to be married. There has been such a catastrophic failure of our marriages over the last twenty years that I am seriously concerned if I have the “gene” of another bad marriage lying recessive in my veins. I actually love someone very much, we have been friends now for a good four years, and we have both considered having a relationship several times. Yet, if we are so careful about having the relationship, isn’t it a bad sign going in and sure to lead to another destructive marriage?
I am beginning to think Paul was right, “It is better not to marry…” It is harder, for sure; but it is better. Anne and Chris you both have my prayers and my compassion as you go through what may arguably be the most difficult time in your lives. Don’t give up hope and don’t let this define who you are; instead my the Lord Jesus Christ forever be the identity of you both.
Grace and Peace
Willie Mac of Athens, AL
I’ve hesitated to respond to your comment, Willie, because I’m in almost the same boat. I, too, saw my parents divorce in 1986, after 26 years of marriage. I saw it coming, though, as early as 1970, when I was 8. The straw that didn’t quite literally break the camel’s back in this case was that my father got physically abusive. They didn’t get any counseling, because my father was too damned [literally] proud.
Long story here, but allow me to fast-forward to the point: like you, I was afraid my marriage would be “cursed,” too. I’ve since discovered that I probably was emotionally abused, technically, and my physical panic/anxiety disorder & clinical depression didn’t help matters. (Neither did an inherent lack of trustworthiness, but that’s part of the longer story.) I knew Pop didn’t see it coming until it was too late, and that still scares me, even after almost 17 years of marriage!
We didn’t enter into marriage lightly, nor early. We were both in our 30’s. That’s not saying that everybody should wait until they’re older to get married; my cousin just got married at 18, while she & her husband were both in high school, but I can tell it’s 100% right for them! Will it be easy? Nope, because he has gone through many similar things that I have. I know he has the heart & commitment to see it through, though, and so does she. And so does my wife. We both have the Joy of the Lord as our strength (a pun, since both my cousin and my wife are named Joy :) ).
Your care about going into the marriage is NOT a “bad sign going in” at all! In general it’s quite wise. Until both of you are absolutely certain in God that it’s right, don’t go there.
You show a lot of wisdom in this one post, Willie. Keep on in that wisdom.
Anne,
I am sorry that you and Chris are going through this. I hope and pray that, as always, God works everything out for your good and His glory. I know it probably doesn’t help, but I appreciate your willingness to live openly in front of people, even though it opens you to hurt both from without and within. God bless!
Anne, as I read your heartbreak I see such a beautiful heart that is, and needs to be held carefully. Your words of grace, humility, and yet honesty are beautiful. I have been walking with others in support as their marriage is failing and I know the pain is incredible. I continue to pray you and Chris are surrounded by those who can best minister to you, carrying your load, and leading you to the healing only Christ can bring. Give yourself time to heal, not only your heart, but your mind, body, and soul. You are precious and amazing and I know Christ will minister to both of you and all who are walking with you through this.
I’m so sorry.
Anne,
You, your life, your writing, and your ministry have been in my prayers since I met you in Baton Rouge a year (or more??) ago. Thanks so much for sharing so openly and honestly; the courage this kind of honesty takes is tremendous. As someone above said, thank you for living a personal “Permission to Speak Freely”. I will continue to keep you and Chris in my prayers for peace, healing, grace, and joy.
Best,
Ashley
My heart goes out to you and my prayers go up for you. God be with you both.
Be free.
I appreciate so much your openness and honesty when it comes to talking about such a difficult situation. I am sure there has been a lot of pain in dealing with it, which is why I so much appreciate you willing to be open and broken out in the open. It takes a lot of courage.
May God bless you as you continue this journey.
praying you both find healing in His arms. my parents are still undergoing their divorce hearings…in 2 weeks the decision will be final. it’s messy and it’s painful and it’s a horrible thing to go through (not just for the couple but especially for the kids). i pray God heals your broken hearts and binds up your wounds.
I love that, even in the hardest of situations, you write with such grace, such courage and such thoughtfulness for what your words mean to you, those around you and those reading them.
Never is it as important to “speak freely” as when there are people hurting. Hope all involved heal fully and in good time.
May grace abound.
It looks like everyone here has extended to you the same sympathy we would have expected from you toward us if the roles were reversed.
May your transitions be full of healing.
So well put, Felicity!
Felicity, I agree with you 100%. Well put.
Anne,
I really appreciate you and your heart…and for being so open and honest with all of us as you walk through this incredibly difficult time for you and Chris. I know this is something that neither of you took lightly, and that you both worked hard to make things work. Sometimes they just don’t, and so thanks for the courage to be honest about that.
I will be praying for you guys as you continue to walk down this path.
Even though this has been a difficult year, know that you have touched many of us along the way with your life, and I know that myself and all the other people on the Haiti team were blessed by your vulnerability and compassion. God is using you in some great ways.
Rhett
Anne,
My heart is with you both. My marriage ended a couple summers ago and it was the hardest thing I have went through in my life. I completely understand what you mean by it was “broken”. Allthough I was not the one in my marriage who wanted the divorce but I could definitely acknowledge the parts that were broken. I am in ministry like you and that is never easy to deal with when you feel like their are 1000’s of eyes always looking at you. I was married for 10 years and it is so tough losing someone that was a part of your life for so long. I want you to know you both will be in prayers as you go through this tough time.
anne, i am heartbroken for you both. thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. you will both be in my prayers.
So sorry, Anne.
You and Chris will be in my prayers.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I will be praying for you both. Diligently.
I am so sad to read your news. My heart hurts for you. I know it couldn’t have been an easy decision. I wanted to share my sadness for you and somehow be able to say something helpful and hope giving. I’ve been following your writing for about a year now. I picked up multiple copies of your Permission to Speak Freely book and passed it on to family and friends. You have inspired me to be more transparent and say what I think and feel more. You inspired me to go back to church after avoiding it for over a year. It’s been an amazingly different experience. My relationship with Christ has been changed for the better and I’m thankful for the kick start you gave me. All this to say I know the Lord is working in your life and He is with you. I have nothing negative to say about you and this has not changed an ounce of my respect for you. I’m just sorry you have to walk this road and I pray you find strength through it. That you find Christ holding your hand and lots of people to gather around you. I’m praying for your move to California and I welcome you. I love living here. The ocean is a great place to pray and find healing, I’ve done it many times myself. I pray for a strong community for you and for healing to come over you. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open, it’s truly inspiring. Please keep sharing and writing. The Lord is using you and I’m thankful for you.
Anne and Chris:
My eyes were tearing up reading this. I know it must hurt so hard, so deep. Love is so delicate, so fine. I would hardly know. But I know what feeling the blame equally feels like.
I’m sorry. You two have done such great things for each other, and all of us. My prayers go out to you, as warmly as they did when Chris answered an email (the most life changing help I think I could get in email form).
Write. Sing. Cry.
Love. Be Loved.
Anne,
I am consumed with sadness for you. I know how overwhelmingly difficult divorce can be, and I am just so very sorry that you and Chris have to experience it.
The pain of a broken heart and a broken marriage is not a pain that I would wish on anyone, but you will learn, and grow, and be stronger because you are going through it. You both will.
I will absolutely be thinking about you and praying for you as you continue to move forward. I know that God is already covering you with his grace and mercy and love.
I’ve seen the heartbreak that a divorce causes. So sorry! I’ll be praying for you both. Thank you for sharing your story.
Anne,
My heart breaks for you and Chris. Praying that God will give you not only guidence but also comfort during this difficult part of life’s journey. Your words have been a blessing to me over the years! In all things, in laughter and in tears, in joy and in pain, what matters most isn’t “who” you are but “who’s” you are… what peace there is to be found in the fact that we you are children of the King!
blessings and peace
Jim
Really sorry for you and Chris. I know that you know that you are not alone, but sometimes it’s good to hear it. I’ve been going through this divorce business myself for the last few months. It’s not fun and I feel separated from the Church because of it. Like I don’t go any more. I feel like I’ve failed and even worse, I’m with someone else now(not the cause of the breakup). I don’t really feel bad in God’s eyes but I do feel bad in other Christian’s eyes, do ya know what I mean? I don’t always know what to feel. Anyways, this ain’t about me, I rarely talk about it but when I read your post I just kinda felt compelled to say something. See you in Cali, be easy on yourself. Praying for you.
Bub,
Sometimes church feels like the least safe place in the world. My hope for you is that you will find other believers who you can walk through this season of life with who will treat you with love and tenderness as well. I think there are always those any almost any church who are the finger pointers. But there are a lot of people who really do get their own brokenness. Someone said something “we are all broken… grace is the glue that mends us.” Recently I had a couple of my friends over who I had known seperately when they were married to different people. They met each other and married. The three of us sat here so thankful for the new chance they had together for happiness and ministry. Here’s to finding that connection with other believers, here, other places online and hopefully face to face, and being free to be ourselves with them.
Thanks Linda.
thanks for being honest with all of us even tho it is hard to share this..I know. I have been there albeit when I wasn’t a Christian, but it is still hard and devastating. My love to you and Chris
Anne,
My heart is breaking for you. What a hard thing on it’s own and then to have to share it on the internet. Thanks, as always, for your openness, honesty, boundaries… I pray for peace and rest and healing for both of you as you move into this new season of life. I hope you enjoy your new home and get settled in soon.
We just got your new book in to our church library this week. I can’t wait to read it. I’ve been waiting forever!
Thanks for all you do. You’re an inspiration. God bless.
-Danica
Prayers for you and Chris. I never know what to say in moments like these. I’ve been reading your blog since you lived in KC. My husband, Michael, sent me the link and said I might find your words an encouragement. They have been an amazing encouragement. Thank you for that, Anne.
So much pain in this life….sometimes. But so much grace and love from a heavenly Father who loves us.
I hope we’re able to reflect just a little bit of Jesus’ love to you guys today.
Divorce sucks! Although I do not know you personally I will be praying for you. Also I saw that you apologized in your post about your divorce. I want you to know that you don’t need to apologize to me or to anyone else really. This is between you Chris and your inner community.
It is extremely sad that both of you have to go through all of this pain, but I know somehow God will take all of this pain and make something beautiful out of it. He never wastes anything.
Wow, Anne, thanks for sharing your heart. I,too, became unexpectedly divorced this past year after a marriage of fifteen years. I relate to what you are saying and I appreciate your grace.
Anne, just wanted you to know that I, too, loved this post. You are going through one of the most difficult things you will ever experience and yet still inspire so beautifully. I was separated in 2005 and divorced in 2006 and it was very hard, but now I see that it truly was a turning point in my life for the better. Our God is a God of second chances and as long as you trust in him, he will not let you down…
I grieve with you Anne. And yes God hates divorce, but let me remind you loud and clear that he loves the divorcee. Been there done it, a youth minister and not an all bad one I’d say and on top of the world at the age of 32 in business. At 36, after 16 years of marriage to a wonderful woman, it was over. So, I know sort of what you are going through and can say this, when all can do is turn to Jesus for strength he’ll be there, you don’t even have to be able to run to him. You will find Jesus anew Anne and he’ll be more than enough, it will be more than just a slogan, I promise. He’ll be there when no one is there to wipe your tears. He’ll be there at night to tuck you in when everyone else has checked in. He’ll be there to listen to you yell at the top of your lungs when you’ve had it.
Praying for you tonight.
I appreciate you and your personal encouragement you’ve sent my way several times.
Nouwen seems appropriate here:
“We enter into solitude first of all to meet our Lord and to be with Him and Him alone. Only in the context of grace can we face our sin; only in the place of healing do we dare to show our wounds; only with a single-minded attention to Christ can we give up our clinging fears and face our own true nature. Solitude is a place where Christ remodels us in his own image and frees us from the victimizing compulsions of the world.”
My thoughts and prayers are with Chris and you.
So sorry to hear this Anne. Will be praying for you both. Praising God that He is still chooses to use you to touch the lives of so many, even in your own personal brokeness and pain. May He continue to be your strength and joy in the days (years) ahead.
Anne,
The pain of this situation is so very palpable in your post, yet you handled the sharing of such devastating news with grace and dignity. I honor that and admire you for that. My heart and prayers are with you and Chris as you venture out separately on your individual journeys toward healing and love. You are loveable, and you are very loved.
Much love,
Rachel
In times like this I rarely know what to say so I usually say nothing.
I feel compelled to at least tell you that you and Chris are in my prayers. I grieve with and for you both. In the difficult days ahead know that you are loved and that your honesty and transparency even in the midst of your own darkness and pain is changing lives and breaking down barriers for others who are also in pain and feel alone.
With love and prayers.
Chrystal
So sorry to hear this. I am sad for you both. Will be praying for healing in your hearts.
Anne,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time. I’ll be praying for you guys through this transition.
As Bianca said, welcome to the best coast.
Renee
Praying for you and Chris. Hate to hear the outcome but happy to see how you dealing with it. Tough times no doubt.
I love you girl. You know that. God is near to the brokenhearted – may you both feel the nearness of God in the midst of the pain. May God bless you with peace and healing. And may you sense His grace in a way you never have. Wish I could give you a big hug.
My heart goes out to you both. I have walked this road (as have many) and I wish that I had some great wisdom for you both…but I do not. I would suggest (as others have suggested) that this is a time of mourning for the loss of the marriage. Of course mourning takes time. I hope that you have friends that will be “sitting shivah” with you on this journey. I hope that you both will draw close to God and let him heal your spirits. God Bless you both.
Anne,
I am saddened for both you and Chris…as I am sure you both did not make this decision lightly.
At a time like this you do not need someone preaching at you. I believe you both need the comfort of the Father.
I will pray for you both.
i think los said it perfectly.
and while all our love and prayers are wonderful and soothing to your heart…only God Himself can soothe your spirit. He loves you. that’s all that matter right now.
love you…
I’m so sorry Anne, praying for you and Chris.
Anne-
I read this with a heavy heart for you and your husband, on the day that my own divorce decree arrived in the mail. I too, never believed that my own marriage of 7+ years would end this way. Even as we were standing in the bank having the paperwork noterized a few weeks ago, I kept thinking “This can’t be happening?” and “How did we get to this?” Although I know that our marriage, like you said, is broken; I still ache at the reality and finality of it all.
My prayers are with you, both of you, as you begin this new chapter. May the peace that passes all understanding flood your heart and soul.
Hello Anne,
You don’t know me, though I know of you and have read some of what you write. I was asked by my good friend Tam (right above me, there) to stop by and share/encourage.
I am 32, and going through a divorce I never thought would happen. I also have moved to California. (So if you’re coming to the LA area and want to chat or have a cup of coffee, just let me know. I know I’m a stranger to you, but I’d love to offer what I have if I can.) I don’t know how much of our situations are similar–I’m sure each divorce, as each relationship, has it’s own uniquenesses. I do want to encourage you with this: divorce is no more a sign of relatopnship failure than marriage is of relationship success. Christians have a tendency to put divorce up on a “higher than God” ranking, where it never should be. There may be those who tell you divorce is a sin. It is not. There is not one Scripture that says that. I hope and pray that for you that you will find freedom in release, and experience Love greater than you have ever known.
For me, divorce was a triumph. I believe you speak truth about the pain you are in, but if your heart finds any amount of joy or freedom or gladness in the divorce, I encourage you to not squelch that or feel ashamed of it. My situation may be quite uncommon, or maybe I’m still processing … I don’t know. I think my story is not one I’ve heard from any other circles. But I am completely sincere when I tell you that God is overjoyed about my divorce. I’m not saying he is about yours; I don’t know that. I’m just opening up the possibility that nothing is as it seems, and even in apparent brokenness, there can be much wholeness.
Please feel free to e-mail if you feel so inclined. I’m an introvert too, so I fully understand both shyness and communicating through fingers.
Annie McIver
Love you. Praying for you as you walk through these transitions.
nothing poignant or perfect to say here…
just live the day…
the best you can….
Anne –
Amanda and I are so, so sorry… We’re praying for both you and Chris. We love you, believe in you, and honored to call you a friend.
Scott & Amanda Hodge
Lots of love to you my dear friend.
This is rough. I’m sorry…really.
Allison and I have been married since March of 2003 – very similar to you and Chris. I’m taking this as a reminder / wake-up / challenge to keep fighting for my bride’s heart.
I pray that Jesus’ unrelenting grace and love would be making you both new – not just restoration, but all-the-way new.
Love Wins.
Ryan
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced, are now and will in the future. I pray God brings healing to you and Chris quickly.
though it is hard…
live the day…
no worries for tomorrow…
you have this day…
like steps, moments, hours….
one at a time…
Anne and Chris, thank you for sharing your lives with this community. I hate that your marriage is ending…unfortunately, I know all too well what you’re both going through. Take care…I know it’s somewhat cliche, but keep your eyes focused on Jesus. Yes He does hate divorce, but He loves both of you…as I know much of this community does.
I am incredibly sorry to read this. I hope that God will give both of you the strength you need. I must honestly say that I would love to read, even 20 years from now, that God has restored your marriage, just like he restores our broken souls and hearts when we think there is no hope. That may not be happen, but God will still be God and you will still be his child that he loves very, very much.
Be strong.
Dear Anne-
I don’t know you nor am I a follower of your blog. I heard of your book a while back and never read it but was struck by what I read about it and so I took a bold step to recommend it to a friend. She gained much from your book and gave it to her pastor to read as well. There was something about your honesty I saw come through in the reviews of your book that caught my attention. This is real life. This is what Christianity looks like.
So today this post came through my reader via another friend of mine. I read it and was captivated by your honest approach to life. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am a biblical counselor and I know that your story will encourage some of the people I see in the counseling room. I intend to share it with them as I think it grabs hold of the struggle as Christians are faced with the death of a dream.
I am very sorry that you guys have had to walk through this but I can already see how God is using it…not to say that I can speak to how God is using it in you or Chris but in others whose lives will be touched by your transparency.
Thank you for sharing. I have prayed for you two now. May you know the presence of a God who traffics in real life and is very near to the broken hearted bottling up their tears.
PS- Enjoy California. We lived there 13 years before moving to the East Coast. I look forward to reading your book.
My heart is aching because of what you and Chris are going through. You are such an inspiration to me and I know you did not make this decision in haste. Praying that God’s comfort and grace will fill you to overflowing and that He will guide you both into the future, into what He still has for you both to do. Hugs.
Anne, i’m so sorry for you and Chris. May God’s amazing grace cover both of you during this difficult time. I went through a divorce in 1991, i figured my ministry was over but i was wrong. God has used what happened to help others. You’re still an amazing person and you will recover. Thank you for your openness and we stand with you.
My heart is breaking for you and Chris. I have been a reader for quite some time, but have never commented. Thank you for your honestly here. God bless.
hurting with you as I read this news…
Annegirl and Chris, I’m so sorry to hear this. Much love to you both. Praying for you both. For Anne specifically, I pray that God blesses the journey west and that your car is full of His presence along the way. Thanks so much for being so open and honest regarding your story, particularly this painful chapter. Love you so much…
How brave of you to post these words, and to move forward through your doubts and fears. The outpouring of love and grace from friends is amazing. All I can add is my love and prayers during this time of your life. And in this time of loss, don’t lose your faith. Keep your faith in Christ alone!
My heart was heavy for you all night. Praying for you, for healing and strength and wholeness.
“and now abide faith, hope and love…”
Chris and Anne-
As one who has been through the gut-wrenching agony of divorce, it is with great sadness this morning that I read this post. Thank you both for being open and transparent and not trying to tie a pretty bow on this tragedy. Know that Melody and I will be praying for both of you and trust that God will take your breath away with unexpected new beginnings that you have no way of seeing right now.
I know He has done that in our story…
Traylor
Anne: Jim and I just really have been so blessed by your MCD book before we retired in the Senior Pastoring for thirty-eight years. You expressing yourself makes me feel and know you will be happy and so “Special” wherever you go. You are a special person; you are loved. A Special person used to describe something that’s one-of-a-kind, like a hug, or a sunset or a person who spreads love with a smile or kind gesture. “Special” describes people who act from the heart and keep in mind the hearts of others. “Special” is the word that best describes you; admired and precious and can never be replaced.
:(
Praying that you both feel and benefit from the guidance of the Comforter, during this painful time.
Love, courage, & tears directed to you and for you. Thank you again for openly sharing the raw things, not just the Rah-Rah things.
Live loved,
Chad
Anne, I have enjoyed reading your writing and I am sad to hear this news. I don’t know the details but we have been focusing on marriage at my church the last couple of weeks and while I respect you I don’t respect this decision unless there is infidelity. Coming from a divorced home and having a brother who has gone through divorce I can tell you with all certainty that while the issues are between you and Chris the ripples hit so many more. If you get a chance here are the notes and link to the sermon “life lab” that our pastor just preached about marriage, divorce and remarriage. http://blogs.nsb.org/jonathanalexander/2011/01/marriage-divorce-remarriage/ and http://www.nsb.org/sermons/the-gospel-of-mark-continue
Thanks for your openness it reminds me to invest and protect my marriage. I am sure you have Godly people investing in your life and again I do not know any details but from my life experience divorce makes me cringe and cry because it has torn so many things away from me.
Divorce is ugly. I just wanted to comment here that infidelity (or adultery as most English translations use) isn’t limited to someone having sex with someone else. The original word in the time it was written meant “abandonment to” and the “to” being to “something else.” There are such things as emotional, spiritual, financial infidelity or even a spouse can abandon another spouse to be with himself or herself, abandonment to the self. Essentially, if one spouse abandons the vows he or she has made in any regard, it is considered “infidelity” or “adultery” in it’s original meaning. Sadly most westernized churches limit the word to our own understanding, but I highly recommend studying the original meanings of these words, and what Jesus said about them in Matthew, and why he was asked the questions about divorce to being with. Fascinating.
Praying for you two during this difficult time.
Wow – so sorry to hear this, Anne. I don’t really have words, but know that my prayers are with you both. Nashville will miss you, but I wish you and Chris the best, wherever God brings each of you.
Anne, my heart aches for you. I am on my third marriage, having been through divorce twice. Both times, I felt my soul shatter into a million pieces. It took time, but God put me back together, and I am stronger now in all the broken places. I pray that you’ll look back years from now and say the same.
Hi Anne. First, I want to say that I was at the Thirst Conference a few months back, and really enjoyed hearing you speak.
Second, please know that you are in my prayers. My father divorced his first wife years and years ago, and received criticism for it for many years, even after meeting his second wife (my mom) to whom he’s been happily married for over 25 years.
There will be critics, but I pray that you will be comforted, knowing that we love a God who takes us as we are. My prayer is that he wraps you (and Chris) in his arms during this difficult time, and leads you both down the paths that he has for you.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I pray that you will claim and embrace a season of privacy and solitude … free from prying eyes, nosy questions, demands of ministry. Please allow God to mend your broken soul and be willing to sit with the questions that beg to be answered. I encourage you not to rush back into public ministry until His precious healing is yours.
Blessings …
We’re sorry. But our whole family has been praying for you, and will keep on.
My divorce was the most painful time of my life. I felt as if I’d jumped off the Empire State Building and somehow survived, but with every (emotional) bone in my body broken. And I assumed that any ministry I would ever have was over and done with. And that mattered.
In the next several years I learned I’d greatly underestimated God. He was still there. He did a long series of unbelievably good things in my life, some of which it seemed he did especially to say “I still love you.” He gave me a new partner, one who was full of faith, courage, sensitivity to God, and love. On His own initiative he plucked me out of a job in San Diego and dropped me down in the Launch Control Center at Kennedy Space Center – something I’d never dreamed of and never would have thought to ask. More, too – but I won’t take space for that here.
We all want to encourage you that God does still love you, that you are no less worth while a person, and that the most productive and satisfying parts of your life can still be ahead, as mine were.
God has taken you to many parts of the world, and shown you the real-life needs there. He has given you a powerful voice for them. We will pray that he will continue to use that voice. Over and over.
Our family’s love,
Pete, Yvonne, Yvette and Bill Ahlstrom, http://www.sparkleofnature.com
Wow. I’ve been there and it does get better. Nobody can understand what it feels like to get divorced when you’re a believer- you feel like the biggest failure. But God’s destination for us remains the same and his love never changes.
He specializes in restoring even the most broken of hearts.
I wrote about my journey as well. Of course, my divorce happened 6 years ago but you or anyone needing some encouragement can read about it here: http://upwardcreativity.blogspot.com/2010/01/yeah-im-divorced-part-1.html
Dear Anne
I was wishing that there was an email emoticon that could somehow express (from someone who has gratefully followed your writings, though only corresponded with you once, maybe twice) – things like comfort, peace, love, healing, forgiveness, acceptance, understanding, and hope for the future – all in an unpreachy jargon-free single graphic. Then I remembered there was: †
Bless you, specially and deeply
Tony
I don’t know Chris, except through your words. Well, then again, I don’t know you except through your words, either. But that puts me a virtual half-step closer to you than to him, I guess.
I’m aching for you both.
And the ache is because part of me wants to shake my fists at you both for giving up, and the other part gets it, completely.
I never know if my marriage is still around because I got lucky, or we’re just forestalling the inevitable, or we shouldn’t have bothered in the first place, or we’re accidentally doing something right, or we really are that good, or…
I dunno. So I don’t judge. I can’t. I used to be able to judge, because I used to be smug back when my marriage was a paragon of stability. But at our worst, I sometimes think we’re already para-gone (mostly my fault), so I guess I can forget that smugness now.
I Tweeted a week or two ago: “Being married is probably not hard. Being meaningfully married probably is.”
I dunno exactly what I meant by that, but I guess I’ll stand by it anyway.
I can’t imagine losing my only friend. I’m glad you have more. I suppose you’ll need them now.
Then again, what do I know?
Oh, Anne. Just praying for grace and healing and comfort for you, my friend.
I love you, Anne Jackson.
I love you. That’s all.
Praying for you friend.
Anne… I know all too well the pain of divorce. I got married right out of college. We’d been engaged for 4 years. Six months shy of our 5 year anniversary, we got divorced. I wasn’t a follower of Christ at the time, but the divorce led me to Jesus. I waited another 10 years before marrying again. I wanted to make sure I got it right. I married a godly man, someone I believed, trusted, had faith in and loved with all my heart. He broke my heart. I’m still reeling, grieving, hurting, crying, praying, waiting, trusting God, weeping… all those roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes they come all at once, other times one will come and stay with me for an hour, or hours or even days. It’s been bumpy. We have a 19-month-old son. I’m just devastated… but I will survive and if experience tells me anything, I’ll be closer and stronger to God as a result. I’m praying for you!
Anne,
Standing with you. Thankful for your friendship. And your honesty. Hate to lose you to California but know it is the right thing for you, right now. And i can always be talked into a visit or two…
Praying for you.
Thank you so much for your open authenticity. Praying for God’s blessings for you and Chris.
Praying for grace and peace over your heart..and chris’ heart! Thank-you for sharing this with the world..courageous..that’s you!
My sweet, sweet sister. My heart breaks for you and Chris. My experience with divorce was vastly different, but I know the hurt and the grief is the same.
Recognize that it’s grief. I believe you have, but I gotta say it anyway. Both of you have seen the death of something you both cherished. Recall that there are stages to grief and you might experience some of them for longer times and even revisit some of them.
Most of all, Anne, forgive yourself and forgive Chris. God has. I love you so much and treasure you immensely. Know that I am praying for you as others are.
Anne, I am deeply sorry for you and Chris. (5 minute pause)
When John Lennon was at his Beatle peak and life was getting dark on him . . . Yoko Ono busted thru the crowd some how and handed him a note that simply said “Breathe”. I have always thought that was one of the great letters of our time. So I am in that Beatle crowd, and I am pointing at Yoko Ono hoping you grab her note.
Somehow . . . becoming childlike is one of the hardest things to do. I hope you make it there . . . I think you will.
Jim
Loved that story! Really neat
May you both be held closely by the Spirit who truly comforts and comes near. I pray that you will find rest, God will provide green pastures to lie down in and restore your soul. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I have to say..reading through many of these comments I’m encouraged to see the church truly love one another…so so refreshing to my soul.
I am so sorry. I have nothing helpful to say other than to pray God would share with you the grace that you’ve helped so much of us see.
[…] I wrote the post about getting divorced, I revised it 27 times. Needless to say, it was difficult to write and it always felt like […]
Anne,
I have been where you are and know first hand the pain that takes your breath away. For me it kept interrupting me at sporadic moments, bowling me over again and again. I pray the Lord will bring healing both to you and Chris as you walk in His grace. Thanks for having the courage not to hide or pretend.
Mike
Anne;
I was divorced years ago & please let me assure you that life and ministry after divorce is possible. I was in the middle of a PhD when our divorce occurred & was told (hear *required*) by my seminary to take a year break in light of my circumstances.
I guess it was their feeble way of saying– now that your ministry is over, why would you ever want to pursue this degree in Christian education?
Anne, many of my fondest memories of ministry have occurred since that day; it required a lot of adjustments, but I even went back to complete my Ph.D.
I praying that you’ll find peace in the midst of the storm.
Shine bright,
Dr. Mark
Anne, I crashed in your room at Annie’s house last fall and have prayed for you and Chris since then. Even though I don’t know you personally, I’m so very sad for you as I read this. I’ll keep you in my prayers – praying for healing and peace and direction and God’s arms to surround you and protect you and love you.
Anne,
As someone else has already said, “Our God is a God of second chances!” (The Gospel according to VeggieTales) Praise the Lord for that!
I don’t know you or Chris and certainly don’t anything about your situation other than what you’ve written here, but I want to tell you how grateful/happy/proud I am that never once through all of this have you spoken a word publicly that tears him down in any way. It would have been so easy (and human) to sneak a snide word in here or there as things got tougher and tougher, but you didn’t and I appreciate that.
May you (and Chris) recognize the hands of God who is still in control in your lives.
So sorry to hear this Anne. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you both. Keep God close.
Having met you only briefly at a conference, I don’t really know you. However, as one Christ follower to another, I’m deeply saddened at this loss. I do pray for God’s work in your hearts…for HIs gracious healing and restoration to be applied as only He can.
Anne, I honor your willingness to be so transparent in the midst of such a difficult time. I pray protection over your heart and that you are reminded daily of His love & grace upon your life and of your next steps. Much love!
Anne, I’ve been there… divorce sucks on all sides of the equation. I continue to believe in you and your gift as a transparent, authentic voice. Despite the emotions and days when it feels dark, much better, rewarding, and refreshing days lay ahead. I don’t say that to be cute or placate your pain, but because I believe it with all of my heart. Sincere prayers and love, girl!
ANNE! Thank you so much for writing your heart and sharing it with us.
SO GLAD YOU ARE COMING TO CALIFORNIA! Welcome! We love you!
Thank you for risking it all for honesty!
Thank you for writing this Anne.
Thank you for modeling authenticity to the fullest even when it hurts the most.
I hope the left coast will be a perfect transition place for you to heal, rest, and explore.
I pray that you get loved on by God more than ever!!!!
ps i still think you are cool.
May the lovely peace of God be within you both.
Anne, I’ve been reading your blog for the past year & I love your writing. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I haven’t been through divorce, but I do know from my own painful experiences God makes everything beautiful in His time. Blessings to you.
All I can think of is the super-spiritual “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson :)
Keep breathing. Hoping. Wrestling. Fighting. Being. Believing. Just keep going.
It gets better.
Prayers.
Anne, I am so sorry and continue to pray for you – for peace, for deep rest, for comfort, and for the joy that comes in the morning. Paul Tillich said that the essential message of the Gospel is that love is stronger than death. I really believe that, and I know that the love and peace that passes all understanding will carry you through this period of darkness and death.
Because of the pain of loss, the weight of guilt, and the heaviness of consequence, it is hard to imagine that a God abounding in love would have richness and fullness of life in store for us after divorce. Yet it is undeniably true, God hates divorce… but loves us more even still. He loves us soo much he’ll work these failures into our greater good so he can get much glory. I know; I’ve been there.
Tearfest. Right here right now.
Thanks for the rawness.
Prayers and vibes coming at you.
My heart hurts for you both. Thanks for being real with us. You can get through this – God has given you everything you need!
I too am so sorry for you both. I am happy for the support you are receiving but feel confused. No moral failure. I assume you are not beating each other. It’s just not working and you have tried. I think as leaders we need to do better than that. While I am grateful for mercy and do not at all feel this is unforgivable or worse than other sins, it is still something that God hates and not just because of what it does to those around you. Last night I told my Senior High Youth group that any marriage without infidelity or beating can work and that it is worth doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes. I believed it last night and I believe it this morning. Not one of my youth had a happy family and that stinks but I also know that it is not impossible. I lived with a bad marriage that took years of up and downs to get us where God wanted us. So worth it. Life is a struggle. It is hard. I will be praying for you both. Not a judgment; may sound like one; but so not. Just hard. Praying.
Cyndi,
Don’t forget, there’s a third allowance for divorce, found in Paul’s first letter to the church at Corinth. The believer whose unbelieving spouse chooses to divorce her is without sin, guilt or blame. If we assume that God does not blame us for the acts of others, it’s reasonable to assume that a believing spouse who chooses the divorce route is also without blame.
Granted, Anne didn’t say that Chris was leaving her. She chooses to remain silent on the details, which is her right. (The converse to Permission to Speak Freely is the Right to Remain Silent. :) ) Consider this: since we don’t know the details, I think it’s quite unfair to say that “we need to do better than that.”
There’s another aspect of this whole saga, one that I faced when a young friend of ours told us that she was pregnant out of wedlock and considered an abortion. I could’ve told her that she should never have had sex outside of marriage, but what good would that do? She was way past that part! The issue that needed to be dealt with at that moment was the potential abortion. She didn’t abort, and her son is 5 now. Now might be a good time to make sure she doesn’t make that same mistake again, but I think she’s got it already. Applying that here, it might be good for Anne and Chris to examine your point should either of them find themselves contemplating marriage again, but not now.
I’m sorry if this sounds condemning. That’s not the intent. Just consider it.
Anne,
I don’t understand why but your news of divorce hit me in an unusual why. My parents separated in July after 25 years of marriage (not divorce yet). I’ve just started dealing with it all. My heart breaks more now for those in the process of it. I spent most of the day thinking of you and praying for you. I don’t know if I have any words but thankfully Jesus intercedes for us when have none. There is peace and restoration because our God is Healer.
Go with God into your new life. We all move into relationships and hope for the best. At times, the best is to move on away from some relationships and begin again. Life here on planet earth is complicated and flawed from our first breath. That’s why we all need so much compassion. None of us are perfect. We all struggle with how to live good and productive lives, and sometimes we need changes and endings to be able to proceed to the next phase in our development. May God’s blessings surround you as you heal and grow.
Anne- my heart is breaking as I read this. I’m so sorry. Brokenness just… Is. Please know that you and Chris are surrounded by prayer and love. You’re not alone.
Much love,
Sara
Anne…
Just wanna say that this took major boldness to write, and a mass dose of humility. Been through it, and feel your pain. Yet, through God’s grace and power, you will rise again. Prayers are with both you & Chris, my sister.
Much love,
D Plum
For never having met you, this news has deeply saddened me. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but as a sister in Christ I can help with the burden and thats by praying for both of you. So very, very, very sorry.
I didn’t realize you were still blogging and I ran across your blog via someone else’s. I just wanted you to know that you have been a great inspiration for me and I’m so sorry for yours and Chris’ pain. I’ll be praying for both of you.
Anne,
I have gone through the season of divorce myself (with 2 sons) and I know it is never easy. I am sure it was not an easy decision for you and Chris to come to but know that God still has his hand upon you both and He will carry you through! It has to be hard to go through the in the public eye as you both are but know that you have many people in your lives praying for you and supporting you, understanding to a degree what you are going through.
I was at a Permission To Speak Freely event w/ 6 of my youth group girls and your honesty changed all our lives in one form or another. I have read your book and passed it on to other women I know. You have a powerful message and God has seen fit to give you the outlet to help others through your pain. God bless you for all you do. I look forward to more!
I’m so sorry to hear this. All the luck to you in your new life and I hope you find all the health, hope and happiness you look for soon.
Ann, I only met you once, in socal. Read your books, followed your blog… What I’m trying to say is that I’m not even close to you our chris but my great breaks for you two. Praying for you both to experience the grace and peace you’ll need to get through the next part of your journey.
I am sorry to hear this Anne. Your writing has influenced mine. Your courage has inspired my courage and now your pain in a small way is felt by me. You write to friends and family but also to a world of strangers. Because you write blogs we feel closer to you because we can interact even though we are strangers but I think of you as a friend. I am sure many of us are in the same boat… You are loved by these strangers that are friends.
I will be praying for you and I am sure many of us will. There are people all over the world praying for both of you… Words are easy, life is the hard part. I am praying that God will help you with both.
Buddy
Anne,
I’m so sorry to hear this news. You are loved by all of us, but most importantly by God.
I will be praying.
Samantha
“Write Regardless”
Anne,
I’ve never taken the time to comment before, but I want to now. Please know I admire your courage and honesty. Thanks for being vulnerable with this post. I will pray for you as you take time off–and transition into a new chapter in life.
Sad. Hopeful. Grace-filled. Here’s to renewal, restoration, joy.
Hey anne just now go to this. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers go out to you tonight.
Since you wrote about this…I have rescently started dating a girl who went through a divorce a year or more so ago. It was because her ex cheated on her and was also a “druggie”. I have prayed about this a lot as far as being in a relationship with a lady who went through that kind of thing. Things are going well for us right now but its just the beginning of it. Please be praying for me as I pray for you. Maybe one day we can meet and ill give you a big bear hug :) take care anne!
Praying for your family. Your books complete with raw honesty have been an inspiration for so many. This is a new chapter and it will be great because the author is unfailing in HIS grace.
Jeff, thank-you for saying what I think a few others have felt. And I just want to echo what you say…and also stress like you, I do not mean this as an attack.
I’m really sad for you Anne, and Chris. I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t work, and that no matter how you tried, you couldn’t get it work. I understand that we (your readers) don’t know the full picture and it’s not our place to know all the details…but as a woman who is the product of a broken (Christian) marriage, I am so deeply saddened by what has happened – yet again the devil has managed to ruin something that God intended for good…and for life. And while there is healing and restoration available for all who seek it from God – there is still going to be this painful chapter in your life. And a part of me is screaming out saying “PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP!!! PLEASE!!!” But I don’t know the details and I don’t know the heartache that has led to this final decision, so I can only pray and watch…hoping that in time as you continue to share your life with people (however you choose – books, blogging), the story will end well for both of you.
I pray for restoration with you and Chris – not to each other, but to your Creator. For the only thing I can conclude (having seen both my parents and a sibling have broken marriages) is that a broken marriage is part of the consequence of something being broken in the first and key relationship…that with God. Again, please don’t take this as condemnation. We all have levels of brokenness we need to work on with God and allow Him to fix, but there is nothing that is unfixable. If God can bring dead to life, if He can take an entire nation across a sea on dry land, if He can feed thousands from a few loaves and fishes, if He can create the universe out of nothing…then surely, surely, He can fix your marriage. He can restore the hearts that are broken, and He can revive the love that has died.
There can be a happy ending even with divorce, yes God can heal and restore that…but there can be an even happier ending with a story where the two who came to the place of complete hopelessness revived their hope somehow and were restored and didn’t go their separate ways. Oh how I long to for that ending for you two. But no matter how much I (or any other reader) wants for you two to be restored, it’s just the two of you who can make it happen if you want. And if you don’t want…as much as it is disappointing to accept it, we have to…and we love you the same. You can see how much everyone is loving you no matter what. But if I may be so bold, I just want to ask…is this what you truly want? If there is any part of you that still has the tiniest spark of hope that this could work – bring that tiny spark to God and just pray pray pray (fast if you have to) and let him ignite that little spark into a big flame and bring this marriage back to life.
I am so sad. So very sad. I sit here like I said with two broken marriages in my life that I have been praying for and fasting for on and off for 4yrs now and finally I have seen things starting to change. It has taken 4 years Anne of prayer for my parents and brother’s marriages to start to mend – it seemed a lifetime, but God is answering – and His timing is never off. So no matter how long it takes to fix – it can be done. It may need to get worse before it gets better…but somehow I don’t believe this is the end of the story – unless you want it to be. Especially if (as you’ve indicated) there was no moral failure involved that would cause more heartache to deal with…if it’s just a case of drifting apart (easily understood looking at the directions your life/work has taken you), then that is so fixable…oh so fixable!
Anyway, I’m rambling. Apologies for the length. I don’t know you. You don’t know me. But my heart is so heavy for you Anne. Please know my prayers are with you.
Love Essie
Jeff & Essie, and others who have thought this:
You guys are correct about what the Bible says about marriage & divorce (although the Bible does give 2, some say 3, allowances for divorce).
Consider This, though: it’s a done deal. Whatever happened — and I insist we all honor Anne’s request to refrain from speculating about what happened! — now is not the best time to preach to them! Now is the time to love them, care for them. Give them time to heal, for crying out loud!
Joe, I hear you. And yes, I realize (reading back over what I wrote) that even though I totally didn’t intend it to come across as preaching, that is in fact what I did.
Anne, if you do read this (so many comments – not sure how you can keep up with them all :)), please accept my apology if what I said caused more pain. I am praying for you, and I do hope that the peace and restoration you (and Chris) need from will come swiftly. God Bless.
Love Essie
I did want to take a moment to reply to this and say (obviously from the post title) God hates divorce. I would encourage you to access some historical and theological context on that passage and the reasons why Jesus was asked, why the people asking him is important, and how it is also cross referenced with many of the passages and letters of Paul, as well as the contextual laws (both old and new) in the Jewish and eastern cultures of that time. It adds so many layers of perspective to this passage that I was never aware of until counseling, rather than taking our English translation of this passage and pulling it out of the many other historical and cultural things which effect what and why Jesus responded in this manner.
This is not meant as a defense or a justification, simply a request for those reading this comment to delve deeply into the Scripture, asking for the Spirit to enlighten as you read, consider historical and contextual theology instead of only reading it and interpreting this passage at our broken, human level.
Anne,
I can’t offer you a lot of Jesus wisdom as I think you have heard it all. All I can say is thank you for speaking for my heart, after several years of not bring able to form the words to describe every raw emotion that comes with divorce, your post brought me to be a sloppy, broken down mess of emotion. I’m sorry for your pain, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Sorry to hear that Anne. Praying for you.
I love old hymns. Sometimes, nothing can impart gospel comfort like an old hymn. When I read about your pain-one that only you and Chris and Christ can understand-, a particular hymn comes to mind…”All the Way My Savior Leads Me” by Fanny Crosby. Read the lyrics if you have a moment. Remember. Jesus leads all the way. Jesus loves all the way.
Love you, sister. :-)
I’m new to your blog, got here in a roundabout way via someone on FB sharing some of advice about friends going through divorce. I’m so sorry, this is one of the hardest things to go through, I think. Thank you for being real and open about it and cutting through all of the “Christian” BS that so often makes these things harder for those who are already suffering. “*Being* Jesus to friends instead of talking about him,” is the best advice I’ve heard in a long time.
Having been thru 2 divorces I can say that I know about the pain. My lovely wife Valerie and I are about to celebrate our 20th anniversity. We have and do have difficulties as everyone does. I speak and write about relationships. My dear Mother (a spiritual Giant, who went home last year 3 months short of 100) Mom spent days and days alone with the Lord searching scripture. Asking God for Spititual insight into Marriage. What he showded her was and is profound, I’m working on a book about these insights.
There are a couple realities that we all need to accept. We are all wounded (we live in a fallen world). How many people do you know that understand how their wounds affect their lives and relationships? Unless you ask God (like King David did “Search my heart oh Lord and see if their is any wicked way in me?”) God will answer and I promise you will not like the answer. The hardest thing we will ever do is look at ourselves.
I got in alot of trouble on Rick Warrens web site “Pastors.com” by asking 2 questions. I got hammered by several Pastors and the moderator chewded me out and removed the questions. The moderator also said that if I ever asked any more questions like this I would be banded from the site. Question N0.1 was “How much time do you spend alone with the Lord every week” No.2 was “On a scale of 1 to 10 how well do you know Jesus?”.
If you want to be a better wife, get to know Jesus better! If you want to be a better Parent Get to know Jesus better! If you want to be a better friend get to know Jesus! ect. ect. ect. The Greatest Joys in Life are all relational. The Greatest sorrows in life are also all relational! Knowing how (and being able) to have quality and intimate relationships is the issue. I would like to be a millionare but I don’t know how. I believe that all relational issues are answered by Jesus in scripture. Before we can live them the flesh must die and it dies hard with much pain. Jesus was made perfect (mature) by what he suffered.
We should be friends Anne, I believe that I can assist you on your journey. you should check out my web site (I’m updating it) wwwecmalaska.com
The desire to reach out and “fix” you is almost irresistible. I miss the west coast and the ocean at sunrise. Which is funny because the sun doesn’t rise on the west coast. (grin) It does rise though. And with that, I take my hands off.
What a humble and authentic post on a difficult and heartbreaking topic. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, and may God bless you and Chris.
Hi Anne…
I met you at re:create a few years back, and spoke to you very briefly at a lunch to tell you how much your work has spoken to me. It still does, and it always will.
I’ve been offline myself for awhile (also to deal with personal issues that are STILL being dealt with), and so I just now came across this news.
I grieve with you, and hope with you.
Paul Joseph
So sorry to hear this. Loved Mad Church Disease, hope that you’ve found some healing.
At the advice of a spiritual leader in my life, I am closing comments on this post & have deleted any we deemed not edifying to the body as a whole.
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