I thought it was love, but I may have been wrong.
It started out like any romance.
Hopeful.
Idyllic.
A thrill of newness.
Feeling like I had something to prove.
—
I’ve been working out on a fairly consistent basis since November 17th. In addition to my indoor cycling workouts during a very cold, very damp, very grey winter, when I’m not traveling, I’ve been training twice a week at Franklin’s own Chadwick’s Fitness.
To provide some context, when I was in school (anytime between elementary school and graduation), I was extremely athletic. I could out-sprint just about anyone, guy or girl. In junior high and high school I played basketball ALL the time — in school, in summer leagues, in church leagues, in my driveway.
Sometimes, my friend Julie and I would go up to a local college and flirt with play ball with some of the college guys. I exaggerate not when I say they were actually impressed by how good we were. Julie reads my blog. She can vouch for that.
I loved to run in high school. It was a great way to rid myself of anger and frustration. My favorite route was about a mile. I’d take off from behind our house and sprint as fast as I could seven blocks to the closest elementary school and turn around and sprint back. It was a fierce kind of run, but tremendously cathartic.
After I graduated, I still would run when time would allow.
—
Seven years ago I started having heart problems. I would try and exercise, but try as I would, I couldn’t get past half a mile without my chest exploding in pain. I didn’t really want to die, so…I stopped.
For those who are new here, after six years of trying to get my heart condition diagnosed, I finally found a spectacular doctor in Nashville at St. Thomas Heart who found the problem and a month later, fixed it. I had a condition called AV Nodal Reentrant Superventricular Tachycardia (or SVT for short). For you who are click-averse, that means my heart had two more electrical pathways than a normal heart (you have two, I had four) and during times of exertion (or after too much caffeine even) my heart rate would escalate from a normal resting rhythm (60-100 bpm, mine is typically 80-85) to 220 or 240 bpm.
Your body doesn’t get oxygen distributed properly when your heart beats like that.
Anyway, I had surgery to fix it, it was successful, and I began exercising on my own. However, I lacked the same love for running that I had formed in my earlier years. I joined a gym, and found a trainer who pushes me to no end. I’ve been riding my bike to train for Ride:Well, and just trying to make up for six lost years of lost cardio.
—
I have a lot of friends who are exercise junkies. People who do things like triathlons and marathons for fun. I even met a guy a few weeks ago who did this ultramarathon thing. He and a friend ran 26-28 miles a day for three days, took one day off, and then would repeat it until they made their way from Mexico to Canada or something.
REPEATING: THEY DO THIS FOR FUN.
When I began exercising, I thought surely I would fall back in love with it. I remember how, when I was in high school, my feet would hit the pavement so hard when I was upset and how good I felt with the air moving through my lungs with each deep breath.
I thought that love would come back.
But it hasn’t.
It’s not that I dislike exercise. I know it’s good for me. I know that even though I still haven’t lost much weight (two pounds in five months!) I am stronger and leaner than I ever have been. I know my heart and lungs are healthier. I know that there isn’t much I couldn’t accomplish physically.
And all those things are great.
But I still don’t love it.
—
I believe this may be one of those defining moments in life where I look at a situation and say, “Yeah, this isn’t the most emotionally wonderful thing in the world for me, but it’s what I need to do.”
This may be a place where true discipline falls into play. I know every Tuesday and Thursday that I’m in town, I’m in the gym for at least an hour, about to throw up and gasping for air, and Brandon doesn’t let me stop. When I’m home during the week, I’m getting out and running up the hill by my house, or taking my bike out and not stopping when it’s “just enough” but truly pushing through that extra bit because it’s what I need to do.
There are so many areas in my life outside of physical fitness that this story could plug and play.
My relational life? Absolutely. I’d rather be a recluse, so to reach out and place myself in social situations is difficult for me sometimes.
Emotionally? We’ll save that for another blog post, but let’s just say it’s hard to ask for help when you face the same demons over and over again.
Spiritually? Paul eloquently describes that struggle in Romans 7.
—
I know one thing’s for certain – all of us have our broken pieces. The things we really want to do, and we really want to love, but we just can’t seem to get there. I’m not sure what yours might be, but I want you to know you’re not alone in it.
It’s a fight. A big, fat, hairy fight. And it will be ’til the end.
But that’s where relationships come in. And things like trust, and encouragement.
Brandon, my trainer, has heard my fair share of complaining. He has witnessed my stubbornness and has seen me lower the weights on a machine so it’s easier on me.
And he’s not one to let me get away with it. He adds the weight back on and keeps telling me to push.
“I said 12? I meant 15! Three more! Why? Because I know you can.”
The thing is…he’s always right.
Is your motivation gone?
You just can’t find that place inside yourself to continue on?
Push through it.
Why?
Because I know you can.
I know we can.
Comments
44 responses to “I Thought It Was Love, But I May Have Been Wrong”
I am sure that at about mile 500 of your biking across the US you are going to thought you loved it and then realize that you hate it.
Funny thing is a lot of people start out hating it and wind up loving it after a few weeks in. Of all the exercise I do, cycling is the one I favor most!
just the kind of talk i needed today. thank you soooo much
Great post! I definitely can relate. Since starting to run this past February I have had to really push myself and motivate myself to go farther. The art of discipline is something I learn everyday through the running. Its not always easy but so worth it for me to run. I feel better!
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Picture of the week =-.
Art of discipline. Now that may motivate me. Art. Art. Art. Exercise as an art…….
Loving this post.
Thank you, Anne!
This post is motivating, Anne…..and it made me want to get a physical, just to make sure everything’s ok. :)
.-= Josh´s last blog ..I Will Wait (Ps. 13) =-.
I am right there with you, sister. Trying to get that old love back for exercise, and it’s just not there. This new love for LAZINESS is, however, and most days I don’t even try to push past it. Good for you for pushing through! This post was quite the (empathetic) kick in the butt for me.. thanks :)
.-= Allie´s last blog ..Follow Me to Freedom 4 =-.
Anne–my brother had the same heart condition so I understand where you’re coming from. It’s a tough struggle. glad to see it’s being taken care of =)
Definitely know what your talking about. My wife and I ran our first marathon in December (St. Jude’s in Memphis). Since then we have had to add “Races” as category for our budget because it has become such a huge part of life. It has been great for our marriage and sets a good example for kids. It also helps that our church has a running club with about 18 members who are all pushing and encouraging one another.
.-= JD´s last blog ..Book Review: A Multi-Site Church Road Trip =-.
… nothing like a community around us to motivate us … in life, exercise, ministry, health, spiritual growth … whatever.
There’s no way we can do this all alone!
.-= Linda Stoll´s last blog ..Pulling It All Together! =-.
Thanks for the good cry *sniff, sniff*
Relatively new ’round here, Anne, but I like what I read…I’ll gently disagree with your opening lines…you’re not wrong, it’s still love, it’s just changed, looks a little different. My wife and I’ve been married twenty years come June…some of that initial smoke-in-your-eyes ‘like’ is gone…what’s grown in its place is ‘love’ – deeper, stronger, leaner love, the kind that does the hard stuff, hangs in there, keeps on, one more rep. The word seldom if ever makes the relevant list, but ‘endure’ is one of the hallmarks of the faithful…keep pedaling!
.-= John´s last blog ..Reach and Stretch =-.
I have to drag myself to the gym, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to do it if I didn’t occasionally mix in days away from the gym where I do FUN exercise.
I’m a big sports person (played varsity basketball all 4 years in high school and now I play ice hockey) and it’s such great exercise and so much fun! I can’t play every day so I still go the gym 4 or 5 times a week. But I find just knowing I’ll have a few days where I’ll play hockey and won’t have to go to the gym actually makes it easier to get to the gym when I have to.
Consider trying something new! I only started playing ice hockey 2 years ago (though I couldn’t even skate) and I’m so glad I did it!
.-= Denise Fath´s last blog ..Asking Tough Questions About Our Faith =-.
i love this.
it finds me exactly where I’m at right now.
.-= Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary´s last blog ..Sorry, you missed it. =-.
I hate to exercise, but I’ve been doing it almost daily for 8 years. I do it because the benefits it gives me after workouts, not during. I have more energy. I feel better about myself. I look better. I’m healthier. Exercise is a delayed gratification…to an extreme. I would be happier during that hour if I didn’t workout but in the long run it would make me feel worse. If I suffer through the hour I reap the benefits later.
And you bring up a very good point: you can plug this principle in to any area of life. Seems some areas are more difficult for some more than others to practice.
.-= TD´s last blog ..Insanity – Get Fit or Get Out =-.
“delayed gratification” – great way to look at it!
“Push through it.” Thanks for the reminder. It is one I need, pretty much every day. :)
.-= Megs´s last blog ..A Few of My Favorite Things – The Photo Version =-.
Yeahhh I don’t like exercising. I was doing good this year riding the stationary bike but then I got sick and stopped. I’m being taught self control which is parallel with discipline.
If we don’t push through the bad things we wouldn’t get anywhere. I know I probably wouldn’t be married still. I’d have had a whole lot more jobs and I’d weigh 500 pounds.
.-= Prudence´s last blog ..In The Eye of The Beholder =-.
Can I say the word crap on this blog? Because if so, Crap!
This is what I need to hear but don’t really want to hear.
Getting in shape has been a need of mine (and for any future ministry I hope to have) for the last year or so. I did manage to lug myself to the gym yesterday for a short run/walk…after a four month hiatus. But the thought of getting started, pushing myself further each time, and staying disciplined, makes me want to quit before I even start. But that’s the problem, isn’t it?
God isn’t finished with me…in fact, He has so much more in store for me if I will join Him in this life journey.
Sigh…I guess I better go back to the gym today.
Thanks Anne! :)
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..The Path Not Chosen =-.
I started going back to the gym in January. I have been faithfully going two or three times a week. I would almost rather do anything else. I am not hoping to love it, but at some point I am hoping I will hate it less. That would be progress.
Preach that.
.-= Anne Jackson´s last blog ..I Thought It Was Love, But I May Have Been Wrong =-.
I think everyone needs a friend or encourager in their corner to get through those times such as you mentioned. Great post!
.-= Kristine McGuire´s last blog ..What If It Was Your Child? =-.
As always Anne, you’re blog post are appropriately timed.
The entire post was excellent but it wasn’t until the words of your trainer: “I said 12? I meant 15! Three more! Why? Because I know you can.” that I truly related.
Isn’t it funny? Internally we tell ourselves “no, I know myself better than you, I’m only good for 10.” It only takes a quick encouraging word from a dear friend or spouse to remind us that we’re playing it safe. To safe, almost easy.
Thanks again for this post!
The thing is Brandon will probably read this post and next time I’ll have to do 20!
Bless you Anne. I needed to read that. I have lost 80 pounds but just can’t get the gumption to do the last 20. You put into words something that I needed. So…here I go.
80LBs??? THAT IS AWESOME!!!!
I’ll be praying for you, Anne. I love your posts because you are so creative in how you present your thoughts. Keep up the good exercise and take it one rep at a time! You go, girl!
.-= patriciazell´s last blog ..#34 THE DOING OF BELIEVING: FAITH (2) =-.
Umm…OUCH! I needed that gentle kick today. Struggling to do the exercise thing even though I know I MUST do it if I want to live to 35. Seriously. Oh, and a lot of this can apply to the rest of my life too! Thanks!
.-= Lory´s last blog ..Sweet and salty. =-.
I hated running ALL my life, then after losing a bet with my husband (long story) I had to run a half marathon last fall. Somehow, I fell in love with it (lucky for him!), and now I’m getting ready to do a full marathon this fall. I don’t always love getting up and heading out to run a few miles, especially in the snow, but I guess what I fell in love with was achieving something I never dreamed possible. And I found that running somehow pushed me to step out in those spiritual, relational and emotional areas as well. I guess it gave me more overall confidence! Go you, keep up the great work!
.-= Amelia´s last blog ..Sprung forward on my face =-.
So funny. I think my love for running has been rekindled recently. Notice “think.” Regardless, my total runner husband and I are “Celebrating 13 Years in 13 Miles” in honor of our daughter and her battle with a rare disease, MPS. So finding a real reason to run that is not wrapped up in taking care of my physical self is why I love to run. If that made any sense. ;)
.-= Rachel Wojnarowski´s last blog ..Two are Better than One =-.
The line “I’d rather be a recluse, so to reach out and place myself in social situations is difficult for me sometimes” – was such a prompting for me. It’s so much easier for me to hide behind my computer and write what I’m feeling to the world than make myself vulnerable in “real-life” relationships. Thanks for the reminder that I need to do it anyway.
.-= N.A. Winter´s last blog ..For Others’ Sake =-.
Nine years ago I went to Kosovo to help do a music camp for kids just outside of Peja. I met women there who carried their children over the mountains when the Serbs began their vicious ethnic cleansing just a year before. I remember thinking, I don’t know that I could do that. I know adrenaline and terror give you strength you don’t have, but still. I also remember thinking, “My friend Becki could do that.” Becki is a crazy marathoner/triathlete.
It took me a while to act on it, but almost 4 years ago I started running. The whole first year was about, as Steve said, hating it less. And then gradually, almost without me noticing, I didn’t hate it at all. Now, 4 half marathons and 3 full marathons later, I LOVE it!!
And I know, if I needed to carry my children over those mountains…or go love on babies in Malawi or Haiti, or care for a friend or family member who is sick…well, you get the picture…I am strong enough to do it.
Loving it may look different as a 30 year old than it did as a teenager. You are a very different person now than you were then. But if you are faithful, even when it sucks and there is no visible return, you may find love sneaking up on you when you least expect it.
I am very proud of you for persisting. Godspeed, friend.
.-= Shelia´s last blog ..23 =-.
Love this post Anne! Because I am with you 100%. I really want to love exercising not just having exercised. My body, mind, and soul still clings to what’s comfortable even though I want/need more than that.
.-= Lindsey Nobles ´s last blog ..I Am… =-.
Anne – thank YOU for this post and for sharing your journey with your readers. It’s because of you that the H2O Runners even found Blood:Water Mission (I’d followed your trip to Haiti and then saw info re. the Ride:Well Tour on your blog). You’ve been a huge inspiration to me personally and have played a big part in why our “team” has gotten together to run this marathon. In other words, I’m blaming you every time I have to go run – well, you and Donald Miller. :) All joking aside, as much as I hate the actual running, I am LOVING the story I’m living right now. It’s amazing how my perspective on many things has already changed just by being a part of something that is bigger than me – something that very clearly is God-led (because if I had chosen, I’d still be sitting on my couch). I’m in the process of getting our church signed up to host the RWT in Chattanooga, TN. I hope to have the opportunity to meet you face to face – if not this summer then perhaps someday on a BWM project.
I don’t know if you had a chance to look around at our team blog, but if you get a minute, read the “Our Story” section to see the how and why of our marathon adventure. h20runners.blogspot.com
.-= Chrystal´s last blog .."A Big Fat Hairy Fight" =-.
For some reason – this post brought a song to my mind. Isn’t looking for love in running or exercise like “looking for love in all the wrong places?” Just do it (thanks Nike) to be healthy, no matter what you feel.
There are so many things we once love and now don’t. As our lives change and grow, our loves change as well. I used to love what I did for a career and last week realized that I didn’t.
Those are the times we have to just push through – when we no longer love what we once did, yet have to keep going. Just push through and know something better is coming.
Thanks for the reminders…and honesty.
.-= Chris K´s last blog ..Knowing God – Nehemiah 1:8-9 =-.
Great post! This is something I’ve been thinking a lot lately. There are similarities between the discipline it takes to exercise pushing your body past where you think your limits are, and the discipline to push yourself through emotional growth.
I’ve been dealing with some tough things the past few months, and have also taken my workouts up a notch or two. The physical workouts I put myself through have much in common with the emotional workouts God, and a couple trusted friends, are putting me through.
It’s all resulting in greater health — both physical and emotional/spiritual.
.-= AprilK´s last blog ..Putting Down Roots =-.
Thanks for the reminder. This is good.
Anne *sigh* You are amazing, God seriously uses your words to touch people, and I really mean that.
1) this is was a kick in the butt, thank you
2) it touched me in so much more than my exercise life, “let’s just say it’s hard to ask for help when you face the same demons over and over again.” This describes the struggles I have in my marriage, friendships, every relationship. And to know I’m not the only one who has that thought… it helps so much.
Thank you for being bluntly honest, for putting yourself out there. God is using you!
.-= V. Higgins´s last blog ..Where fear tempts me to stay home… step out =-.
What I’ve found is that we all want to be heard. It’s more about sharing as we’re learning than teaching what we know. That leaves folks a whole lot more room to talk.
I ran competitively throughout HS and college. I stopped after my last meet. I’ve tried to restart and few times since over the past 20 years, but finally realized it wasn’t the act of running I loved, it was my teammates and accomplishing something with them. My love for running has never returnd, but other things that fulfill that “team spirit” need have taken it’s place. Wishing well as you search for “the love”
i really dislike exercising. always hope to reach that point where i start enjoying it (people tell me if i keep at it long enough i’ll get there!?), but i’ve never hit that mark yet.
i was actually at a cardiologist today — getting some tests done this week to check out some possible issues going on with my heart. i gotta admit i’m more than a little excited about the possibility of having a “real excuse” not to work out.
i’m so bad.
.-= alece´s last blog ..a living hell =-.