I never thought there was much difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. In my heart, it all kind of meant the same thing – letting go of pain that someone had inflicted on me. Usually this involved some type of “making up” process involving apologies, sometimes tears, and a hug to make everything alright.
Twelve years ago, somebody hurt me in a very painful, inexcusable way. For years, I didn’t allow myself to work through the pain as I needed to. A couple of years ago, circumstances (which were mostly out of my control) caused me to stare at this wound square in the face.
As strange as it sounds, I’ve never doubted that I forgave this person. I feel fortunate that, for the most part, forgiveness comes easy to me. There are probably only two situations in my life where I know I still need to work on forgiving someone, but this particular hurt isn’t one of them.
However, as I was processing through healing during this time, I began questioning if i really had forgiven this person. Sure, the scabs had been peeled off and the wounds were fresh – and it hurt…badly, all over again.
Someone who was helping me through this sent me an email. He encouraged me and said that what I was experiencing wasn’t me being bitter or holding on (which was what I was afraid I was doing) but that I was desiring reconciliation.
I wanted for this person to own up to the mistake and for everything – painful as it would be – to be okay again.
And I wanted for the relationship to be harmonized and restored completely.
Later, I read this in a book:
Joseph was reconciled with his brothers when they came to Egypt in search of grain. By the time his brothers reached Egypt, he was able to stand before them and confront them because he had no inner feelings that would keep him from having a relationship of unity and peace with them.
Forgiveness is unilateral. You can forgive even if [someone] never admits [their wrong doing], is never sorry, and never changes. But reconciliation requires both people’s commitment to recovery, honesty, repentance, forgiveness, and communication. Even then, reconciliation is a long and difficult process of breaking down barriers and building trust.
You may not ever be reconciled with a person that hurt you (or that you hurt).
That part takes both people to work through.
Forgiveness is a necessary, but not a sufficient condition for reconciliation.
However, forgiveness is a decision that you make, and continue to make, regardless of the other person’s choice.
And through the cross and grace and love, you can.
Comments
53 responses to “Forgiveness and Reconciliation”
Anne, ever since I found your blog (and read your book!) I have felt like our stories are so very similar. I’m sure you’ve found that to be true with hundreds, if not thousands of people. But, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your journey.
This road of forgiveness without reconciliation is one I have walked. Your words echo my heart in so many ways. So, thanks!
.-= Anne?s last blog ..Ok. =-.
Great post Anne! My wife Melody and I have that exact conversation with people all the time. We divorced in 2002 due to my sexual addiction and remarried after being apart for 6 years.
When we started dating again in 2008, this issue came up often with family and friends. Melody had forgiven me years ago, but starting to date and think marriage-thoughts had us both revisiting the painful wounds, forgiveness, and true healing needed for reconciliation.
All too often the Church is guilty of sweeping emotional pain under the rug. We are encouraged to “forgive and forget”, yet there is no way we can do this well without acknowledging the pain and processing our emotions. A pat “Let go and let God” sounds spiritual enough, but can leave wounded individuals feeling more alone and isolated.
We are so grateful for the healing that has come on the other side of our pain. It has been a gut-wrenching journey, but we have a closer, more intimate relationship today because we know ourselves and each other much, much better.
You can see and hear Melody’s part of the story here as we talk about our marriage, divorce, and reconciliation.
Traylor
Thanks for this… I love it.
I’ve been struggling for a long time with a difficult situation. A situation where it takes every bit of grace I can grab ahold of, to help me forgive… over and over and over again.
My problem is that the person who hurt me, has wanted a false type of reconciliation. Reconciliation without repentance. Reconciliation without truth.
The Scarlet O’Hara pretend-everything’s-okay-when-it’s-not attitude only makes it more difficult for me to try and truly forgive.
I’m so grateful that you wrote this post. For clarifying that reconciliation doesn’t happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen by pretending there was never a problem.
Would you mind sharing the name of the book you quoted from?
.-= Jeannie?s last blog ..Toddler Theology =-.
Beautifully said, Anne.
I know there are people I will never be reconciled with. I’m almost sure of it, unless God does miracles (which he does so who am i to be sure of much…)
but i hope there is forgiveness. i hope.
Anne, you’ve done it again. You let the Holy Spirit write through you. Please don’t stop. :)
Your message made me realize that one of the biggest things I wanted from my father before he died was reconciliation. It could’ve happened, had he not become lost in some form of senile dementia before dying of cancer. I realize I had not forgiven him as I should. Like you, I wondered if I ever had, or ever could. In this case, I know there can be no reconciliation. It’s even likely that we won’t be reconciled in Heaven, because I don’t know if he was saved or not.
This is another post I’m going to need to reread numerous times. There’s so much in there.
Thank you again, Anne, for sharing. You’re a very courageous woman to do that (almost as courageous as admitting you’re coming up on 30 ;) ).
.-= Joe Sewell?s last blog ..Scared for Nothing! =-.