My “theme” for 2009 was “Listen More, Talk Less.”
For this year, it’s “We Are Not Alone.”
Sometimes, I fail at living up to my theme’s implications, but it’s something I try and keep in the forefront of my mind when I make decisions about my career in writing and with my relationships.
Since this is the first post of 2010, I’d like to combine the themes and ask you two quick questions. If you feel the need to leave an anonymous comment, please take that liberty.
What kinds of topics do you want us to discuss on FlowerDust.net this year?
In what areas of life do you feel most alone?
I’ll go first in the comments and share what’s on my heart. Hope to see you there.
Comments
179 responses to “Do You Feel Alone?”
Great job with the content…keep doing what you do.
Definitely feel alone as a pastor of a growing church. I hate being a target among other pastors, and it makes it difficult to connect on a relational level.
I tanked my 4.0 GPA in Seminary because I was sick of being that guy…and if I we’re honest…I’ve thought about tanking other things for the same reason.
So sorry you feel alone there…how do the pastors respond to you?
Please don’t give up. I did the same thing you did in school…
There was a comment here that I deleted because this blog doesn’t tolerate jerk face remarks.
I guess that sounded kinda hopeless…it’s really not that bad. I’ve got great friends within our church, it’s an awesome community of grace and redemption.
My biggest struggle is that I simply don’t fit in around other pastors in my denominational family. I get treated with a lot of suspicion and gossip that eventually comes around to me. Junk like the stuff you have to delete.
Thanks for the encouragement though.
Dale, I’m not a pastor but I hear you! I feel your pain. Just simply being on staff at our church I experience the same thing and I know my pastor has it worse than I do. Rely on the people you can and forget about the others. Stay strong!
Hi
Please don’t give up. You are making a difference.
i love everything you discuss, almost all topics last year touched my heart, so just keep being open and honest
in normal daily life, cause i’m alone, a lot.
Thank you…
I get that too…working from home (or alone traveling) has been a lot harder than I imagined.
Content wise…share more of my heart and worry about what others think less
Alone…processing through “circumstantial relationships” (ie the relationships you wouldn’t have if your circumstances change). These can be surprising and if lost, well, sucks. A season of your life changes and you find the people you interacted with daily all but disappear. The thing with circumstantial relationships is you assume they will be long term friendships…til the circumstances change. Then…boom.
I’ve seen / experienced this a lot with people who develop a platform or influence of some kind (authors, leaders, etc). Especially those who do so rather quickly. Let’s call these people POI’s (People of Influence). As influence grows, it seems all the sudden lots of new “friends” come out, often confusing the POI as to which relationships are real and true. Many times theses relationships get out of balance and the POI starts trying to please the masses instead of trusting those who are closest to them and who were there before the fame. Part of the problem is that many who appear to be following the POI are really just following the success of the POI, not the person of the POI (the follower may or may not be aware of that fact and it certainly doesn’t apply to all). Others just want to piggy back off the success of the POI as they try to build their own platform. It’s all fine and well while the POI continues with success but let that success drop off for any reason and you’ll quickly see who the REAL followers and friends are. It’s the old “What have you done for me lately” thing. Sad but true.
That…but also “real” friends change their perspective on you if you find some kind of influence or success, and well, some flat out abandon you for it based on incorrect assumptions.
My husband and I have had this happen to us. Twice.
Right now is the second time…and that would be why I feel alone right now.
.-= Elora?s last blog ..why hello, 2010 =-.
Why so, in the scenario you are referring to? Feelings of jealously? Feelings of selling out for success? Other?
Meant that question REPLY above for Anne. :)
No idea. My assumption (I hate assumptions and perceptions – it’s all BS)….
is that people assume you’re always too busy to hang out, or that you’re busy hanging out with other famous people or something ridiculous like that.
Nope.
wow, you are DEAD ON regarding ?circumstantial relationships?
that was so encouraging and yet another reminder on how to process new relationships that come into our life.
blessings in 2010!
My life has been a series of circumstantial relationships. A revolving and even slamming door. It is quite sad and I know the feeling far too well. I am thankful for you?that ours has surpassed and survived and thrived when the odds were/are against us. Love you!
.-= Crystal Renaud?s last blog ..Project 365: January 3, 2010 =-.
I feel I have not adjusted from changes that happened a long time ago. I’m well out of high school and college, but ever since then I’ve not been able to find the kind of community that I had when I was in school. My husband and I have friends and even have a community group at church that we lead, but we’ve not connected with very many people on a true friendship level. And it seems that every time we do connect with someone, they end up moving away… I guess it’s just weird for me because I’m used to having a group of people around me that really know me and that I feel comfortable venting to, and now, the only person I really feel comfortable with is my husband. I’m so thankful for him, but I miss having a “best friend” or a confidant. I miss having good girl friends.
Interesting how you commented on the very thing I feel the need to discuss under the “alone” topic. I am struggling with the fact that every time I move on from an assignment at a local church the people from the church no longer regard me. Ministries were constructed, people’s lives were changed, relationships were formed and most importantly… God was glorified. But in the aftermath, the Church perhaps in general is not “family” but more like “co-workers”. Because when I get transferred to another job site my family remains in tact, but the relationship with old co-workers rarely remains. As someone who rarely remains in a church body for more than 2 years, it leaves me, at many times, feeling alone. It doesn’t stop me from doing the work, loving the people deeply, and continuing the course designated… but it hurts. By the way, I am a missionary and was raised a missionary kid… just to explain the moving around thing;-)
.-= JuliaKate?s last blog ..Neither out of tune or out of place =-.
Oh…I can relate to this. I’ve had my feelings hurt a time or two from circumstantial relationships.
.-= jana?s last blog ..Tip #1 Crazy Dryer Balls =-.
Anne,
Thanks for posting this! This past year has been incredibly humbling for me because I burnt out while working a full time ministry job and writing my first book. I feel alone because I now am only doing ministry and sometimes I feel like I don’t have the faith, encouragement, strength, health, support, courage I need–especially when it affects my paycheck and my heart. Two things that are very difficult at giving over to the Lord!
Thanks for writing what you do. I’m so glad Eric introduced us this year. You are a blessing to me :) Keep up the good work!
Renee
.-= Renee Johnson?s last blog ..Faithbook of Jesus =-.
I feel pretty alone right now – like you said in your last comment, life has changed, I have changed, and the friends I was with for several years are not really part of my day-to-day anymore. We’ve chosen different paths, and I find myself feeling very alone.
Couple that with moving to a whole different city, in a different part of Texas than I’ve ever lived, and it’s just very overwhelming. I don’t really make good friends easily, and tend to worry that I’m taking advantage of potential friends, so I back away so I don’t look like “that needy girl.”
It’s a little different because my husband doesn’t share my faith, and although he’s great about chauffeuring me to and from church functions, I considered it a great breakthrough that he attended Christmas Eve services with me. My conscious mind understands that I don’t have to carry the load of faith for the whole family, and all I can do is pray and continue to live a witness for him, but it never fails – every Sunday morning I find myself a little teary, looking at the families all around me. I know it’s just a kind of ugly jealousy, but it still feels lonely.
Okay, so that was longer and more confessional than I intended originally, but those are the places I feel alone, and the whole “not wanting to be that whiny, needy girl/woman” reasons.
I have to say, I am *completely* with you on the “not wanting to be *that* needy girl/woman”. I consistantly have to struggle against that when making new friendships. I moved to a completely new area after 4 years at an awesome college, and 13 in the same 4 mile area. I’ve been here for almost 3 years and I’m just starting to make girl friends, it is so hard opening up because I’m afraid I’ll be a burden.
An encouragement: I’m learning to tell that voice to be quiet and trust when God is telling me to ‘tone it down’. When I open up to the friends I have been making, it has deepened our friendships and opened doors that never would have opened otherwise. They have been encouraged to see my struggles and I now have a support that I haven’t had in a long time. Not all people will be that way, but you never know unless you take the risk.
I have a tendency to feel alone with people all around me that I would consider friends.
I feel a desire to connect with a few on a deep level where I am accpected for being me. However, in that context I want them to walk with me in becoming all that Christ would have me be.
I haven’t found that place…
Any topic is fine with me…you’re never going to have something that hits me every time and I’m cool with that.
As for feeling alone…I pretty much feel alone in life right now. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for life are gone and all that’s left for me is to go through the motions of a daily life. Focus on my wife, my kids and just give up everything else I’ve hoped in life because I don’t feel God there to help me through it.
Boy, did you pick the wrong day to ask that second question.
.-= Jason?s last blog ..31 Days in Proverbs Day 3: It really is that easy =-.
Jason – I wanted to reply to your comment but first let me say that I don’t want this to come off as “tony has it all together’ kinda thing – cause i just don’t.
so here goes – knowing absolutely nothing about you let me share this commonality. ten years ago i not only felt alone and that my dreams were gone but i didn’t really give a crap about my family either. you see, they were the reason my dreams were not coming true, my wife’s pastorship at the crappy church was killing my time, my plans, and any fun i wanted to have. i hated being a pastor’s husband, i hated her working 24/7, i hated the elders, and i hated the incompetence of the leadership – of which i was a part of, too. our so called ‘elders’ were only concerned about 2 things – covering their unholy butts and remaining in power.
so, i retreated to a dark place of no emotion, no friends, and mot much family for about a year. i continued to pray for hope and one day GOd simply told my heart to cherish Him and then my family and not to worry about anything else including my dreams, job, money, friends, church, etc.
i did that – and it all turned for me. maybe God wants you to just focus on Him and your family right now, that’s not a bad thing you know?
regardless, peace and blessings to you. i will pray for you and lift you up – it WILL turn to light!
I totally agree with Tony – I don’t have anything figured out, but focusing on family and God has been a big shift for me too.
Tony, e-mail me if you could.
.-= Jason?s last blog ..31 Days in Proverbs Day 3: It really is that easy =-.
love your blog & the areas you bravely dive into. looking forward to what you bring this year!
i feel alone, literally, as it seems most of my friends & partners in ministry are either engaged or married. i’m afraid of being a spinster – even though i’m just 20.
i feel alone while my mom is beginning a scary battle with breast cancer. no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to see me cry or hear why i’m so sad & frightened some days. He is always with me, but it seems i tend to forget it from time to time!
Taylor,
Here is a hug. No folks don’t want to see you cry or hear why, mainly because they don’t have answers i think and they don’t understand. I will be praying that you are surrounded with some great love and support during this amazing time in your life.
Taylor, one snippet of sunshine for you… In our deepest darkest hours, we can learn how to help others in their deepest darkest hours. Because you know how it feels to be frightened and sad and just want someone to sit with you while you cry, YOU can vow to be that person for others.
Like Rebecca S points out, most people have a hard time being there for others because they don’t know how to respond. But because of your experience, you know it’s okay to not have answers and not totally understand. You know what a person feeling alone really wants. And you can be one person that helps someone else NOT feel alone.
Be brave and shine your light.
I’m so sorry you feel alone. People either get overbearing during sickness or they leave you alone because they don’t know what to do. Keep trucking, girl. Your empathy and compassion will grow tremendously through this season.
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
thank you gals so much for the encouragement! i’ve certainly learned that my seemingly darkest days have been used later on down the road. as rough as this year is starting out to be, i’m thrilled to be able to someday look back and see the blessings He will pour out while i wasn’t even looking! i’m also excited for the day that He’ll use this season to comfort someone else. :)
Ahhh, Alone a word I know so well, at times it has almost been crippling.
Hoping and praying that our move and new church will bring awesome new friendships. We were not meant to be alone.
Just watched “this emotional life ” on NPT… and it talked about how we as people need other people, starting at birth. It war pretty awesome and intense. Also read in Job about how his 3 “besties” just came torn there clothes and sat with him for a week with out uttering a word.
SO true.
Looking forward to another great year of posts, Anne.
Sometimes I feel alone in my doubt. I feel like faith comes so easily to everyone else…Why is it so hard for me to believe?
.-= Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Do you have emotional allergies? =-.
Rachel, I feel that same isolation of doubt too. We’ve been through a lot the past ten years, but my husband and church acquaintances seem to keep trucking without hardly missing a beat. I’m plagued with doubt that won’t leave me alone. I listen to things that I want to believe, yet thoughts questioning those things still swirl through my head. Argh.
In addition, Anne, I struggle with some of the things you write about here – letting my mind wander down roads it should not. I’m too afraid to shock/disappoint/alienate people, esp my husband, to say anything.
I feel most alone in my spiritual life. Having pretty much left the church I was raised in and where my father is pastor has left an uncomfortable divide between me and my parents. It seems that we can’t discuss spiritual or church issues without it feeling like a personal attack now that I’m not “one of them.” Thankfully though, the love and relationship are still there and hopefully will be even better with time.
Beccab – I have theological/spiritual differences with my parents too, and sometimes this makes me feel isolated and insecure. I just want you to know that you are not alone! Just keep on loving and listening and strategically changing the subject. :-)
.-= Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Do you have emotional allergies? =-.
topic-wise – i trust you, annegirl. :) surprise us.
aloneness-wise – well, this is the year i will turn 30. and i’ve been single way longer than i hoped to be. and i’m sort of the last single chick of my tribe (locally, though i have a few single chick friends scattered about elsewhere). (as an example, i was with my small group praying, and two of the women were struggling with stuff and receiving prayer and sharing, and the support from their respective husbands was so tangible. i don’t have that.) so i guess you could say i’m feeling some aloneness there. i’ve also felt a bit of a lack of support (whether real or just imagined) for some of the dreams i have. so there’s that, too.
Even though I don’t turn 30 until next year, I’m right there with you. Feel free to contact me!
More on Bipolarism. The latest “buzzphrase” they’re using about my wife is “bipolar symptoms”, and the drugs seem to work, but I’m still freaking out over it.
I’d say all of them, but that comes across as very pitty-me. (grin)
I feel alone at work. I work mostly with girls and not many guys to connect with. I sit at a computer all day and I email 5 friends from church to connect with the outside world but I’ve done the math and together they all only answer 37.4% of my emails and it’s not junk mail. I’m venting a bit and is it said I did that math?
I feel lonely at home because my wife works nights and we are both working 2 jobs to get out of debt so we can follow God’s calling to be missionaries.
I feel alone at church sometimes too. I have a lot of church friends, but I don’t seem to have a friend that wants to connect on a daily basis and go through life with me.
Ok enough of that.
I love your blogs, I love your heart for God and I love your heart for others. Blog whatever God gives you, looking forward to whatever that is!
But there is one thing I would actually like to see that God has given me.
Ideas on how to reach young adults and keep them connected. I lead a small group of 18-30 year olds.
Thanks!
More about what is going on in Anne’s life. i like to know the little things that are happening. like the workout video was so great…cause we got to see into your daily world. thats just me.
Right now i get the circumstantial relationship thing. because i am living it. after leaving my old job all of those people i thought were friends are now missing. so i feel most alone in life in general. feel like i have no friends and nothing to do besides sit on the couch and watch movies.
.-= Lynse Leanne?s last blog ..we are all right =-.
sounds like we are the exact same stage of life and transition…..
.-= jan owen?s last blog ..Good-Bye 43! =-.
jan, i will be praying for you as you go through the transition…its not fun, i know this.
.-= Lynse Leanne?s last blog ..lasts =-.
Lynse, you are such a beautiful young woman with so much potential, but I can see you on that couch feeling insecure and not quite sure which way to go next.
I resemble the circumstantial relationship thing. I always thought I was completely alone in that. I don’t make friends easily, I either think people think I’m trying to use them or they think I’m some kind of freak with stupid thoughts. Even now I don’t have a friend (other than my husband) who truly knows me, all of me. I have one friend who knows a lot about me, and calls me on some of the things I do, but even she doesn’t know all of me.
I know there’s a reason why we feel this way, why we are in these places, I just wish the heck God would open up and tell me why. Till then, I guess I just keep plugging along in what He’s had me doing, even when I don’t feel it.
Lynse, I’ll be praying for you. Love ya, kiddo. (And I can say that, ’cause I’m old ’nuff to be your mom.)
… would love to see some discussions focused on the needs of women in ministry …
.-= Linda Stoll?s last blog ..Benediction & Anticipation =-.
I second that.
.-= Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Do you have emotional allergies? =-.
For me it’s hard when I’m around people my age. I just turned 18, but I have never gotten along well with people the same age as me. All my friends have always been much older. There is a level of awareness most don’t seem to have, but it’s the level I have to live my life on every day. Call it growing up too fast, or seeing things on a deeper level. Maybe it’s simply hardship used in a good way. Something negitive changing me into a person who can do something about it. But it is also something that makes it difficult to find people who I can truly connect with.
Maybe something on branching out to find people like you. Not sticking to the ‘normal’ group of people and taking a risk. I’ve found I fit with the ‘weird’ people, but I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t take the risk of leaving the ‘normal’ circle. You have to break out before you can break though.
Embrace the weirdness!
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
Honestly, topics about begin alone.
Reading things that people write in these comments, it’s amazing how many people feel the same. We’re the most connected “alone” people in the world! Why do we fail to establish the kind of connections and communities that we desire?
.-= John Alexander?s last blog ..Gifts to God in the New Year =-.
For me the people I am most connected to are the ones who are making me feel the most alone. I feel like my current faith journey is not something I can share with my church and that makes me feel more alone than anything, because this is the place where I should be most able to share my life but I cannot.
.-= LD?s last blog ..Called to Singleness =-.
Completely understand…
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
Amen. The loneliness is deep–a longing for depth in spiritual conversations and understanding. I’m so tired of “correct answers” and religious cliches…I seek depth.
Amen. That place where we strive to love yet we feel won’t love us when we show our true selves? Yeah, I’m there.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Christmas =-.
Me too.
I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Not that flamboyant of a topic. :-)
I’d like to see a discussion started based around humility and learning from others.
Lots of people believe they have something to say, but not everyone believes they have something to learn.
You could probably tell this from any comment pages on any blogs.
.-= evan blackerby?s last blog ..Getting Creatively Unstuck =-.
I resigned my leadership roles 2 years ago and then in Aug 09 left that church. so much has changed in these months, even the way I think-about God, about prayer, about ministry, about me, specifically about all this leadership teaching. I am going to a new church and am ready to take the first step beyond attending. My friend network locally has almost completely dissolved. I am alone but never lonely.
Wow…If I could learn how to not be lonely when I’m alone, I’d pay money for that class! :)
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
My pastor gave a sermon on this whole idea this Christmas in light of Joseph…”Alone vs. Lonely” Good stuff!
It’s possible Ann. I rarely have to remind myself . when I was saved, over 30 years ago, I really was at a place where there were no other Christians and my husband had just gone away for 3 months to Air Force training, leaving me with 2 little boys. It was sink or swim and I mean that literally. I chose God. When you’re forced to make the choice between God and taking the whole bottle of pills, you never forget.
Sign me up, too.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
I have only been coming here a few months, but I like your honesty & edginess. You don’t sugar-coat. That’s because you speak from your heart & your experiences. That’s life. Christian or not. I also like your posts on the struggle of a recovering addict. On the 11th I will have 30 months clean. What an experience! I love that I have come back to God & a better way to live. I am so blessed.
But, in answer to question 2. I am almost always lonely. I have been unemployed for over a year. My husband was also unemployed for 3 months in 2009. We moved 1700 miles from my home of 28 years & our house of 20, for a job in Central WA. I miss everything, but I am not really angry about it. Why? Because, I still struggle with “it’s all my fault”. Why? Because, the reason I have trouble finding a job is because I’m a pharmacist & my license is on probation in TX. IF I hadn’t stolen from 2 employers. IF I hadn’t become an addict. Then we would have had my income. Hate this burden. Why are some things hard to totally give up to God? I hate the pain of it all sometimes! But, in 4 months here, I have stayed with my program of recovery & been very active in the local 12 step program here. But, I miss having my best friend around the corner. I miss my daughter. Horribly. She is coming for a first visit on Friday. For 3 1/2 days. In a small town where it’s hard to “fit” in. 2 stoplights. 2 pizza places. No restaurants open on the weekends (except the pizza places!).
Glad I could vent! Keep on riding that bike. Keep on writing that next book. Keep on putting up posts of your triumphs and struggles. Thanks. :)
.-= Shellie (baylormum)?s last blog ..Stats Suck Sunday =-.
Congrats on the sobriety. Well done. Small town living is hard — it’s where I grew up. At the same time, if you can find those friendships they will be lifelong. The friends I am closest with were from those small towns many years ago.
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
I feel the most alone at church. . .near the Lord, yes, but cautious toward the people, especially the leadership. I have a leadership role and have been burned, misunderstood and accused of lacking a quiet spirit.
Church? Often not safe. This is sad.
Keep it up, Anne.
.-= Lucy Ann Moll?s last blog ..Laugh Again in 2010 =-.
oh how i understand this…
.-= Elora?s last blog ..why hello, 2010 =-.
I am right there with you. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel safe in church again after this past year.
This makes my heart hurt. But at the same time, I can understand. Let’s work on changing this for the rest of us…?
Why is this so prevalent? I often wonder how the church I worked for and served in is still standing – but it is. So much hurt and mishandling. People leave, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I know God sees – but I don’t understand why this is so common.
Definitely will be posting on this soon…this theme is too prevalent in this one post….
LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I figured as much stalking as I’ve done, it might be time to drop a comment and let you know how much I appreciate your words. :-P Keep doing what you do. God is moving through it.
That being said, in answer to your question…being involved in student ministry can make me feel really alone. So many times I tell people that God has broken my heart for middle schoolers and that is the community I’m called to serve, and they respond, “Ooooh. I’m sorry. Well, I’ll be praying for you.” Or, “Wow! Good for you following that calling! I sure couldn’t do it!” I KNOW they are being encouraging. I know their hearts are so well-intentioned. But it feels very isolating. Those of us who are serving in that capacity can be streched thin time-wise because there are so few of us and we rarely have time to build community between us because most of us want to be spending that time with our middle schoolers. I don’t remember the last time I got to sit down and have a conversation with someone else who I felt shared my heartbeat in this capacity.
Thanks again for all you do and just for giving a place for a stranger to share. :)
Thanks for sharing!
And it takes such a special heart to love middle schoolers so there are few of you to share with each other….praying you find someone…
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
I feel alone in a lot of ways, or rather, for a lot of (interconnected) reasons. I have always been introverted and have a hard time turning friendly acquaintances into close friends. Plus, I am a pastor’s wife and (if the pastor’s-family thing weren’t lonely enough) we now live about an hour away from the people and networks we connect best in, so it’s especially hard to get together and nurture the casual friendships that we had there, that we would like to see grow closer.
.-= Jessica Miller Kelley?s last blog ..The Secret to Marital Bliss =-.
I Hear ya…
.-= Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Do You Feel Alone? =-.
So many are alone…I feel that same empty pain. But what brings me hope is that God seems to have an extra-special calling for the ones most lonely. Those of us who suffer the deepest from loneliness also feel the love of our dear Savior in a way other “normal” people will never be able to.
God is allowing me to continue in a long dry, lonely period to prepare me for something special. I know that God is using this emptiness to pave the road so I can help others by feeling their pain. Joy will come in the morning!!
I am comforted knowing that Jesus felt that same sorrow & loneliness in the Garden at a time when He needed His friends so desperately. Ultimately, though, He had His Father to comfort Him! Let us all know how we may not have others in our lives to fill that void…but we do have a Heavenly Father that loves us beyond words!!
By Jesus paving this road of loneliness, I am strengthened to continue on by comforting others in their deep anguish.
Peace! xo
i always thought this…
Those of us who suffer the deepest from loneliness also feel the love of our dear Savior in a way other ?normal? people will never be able to.
…and never vocalized it because i thought i was crazy for thinking it.
what sweet encouragement and truth you share. thank you.
.-= Jen?s last blog ..Austin’s Finest =-.
Beautiful encouragement. Thank you.
Thank you for this. Well said.
Healing words. Thank you.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Christmas =-.
I probably feel most alone when it comes to parenting. A. Because I am alone. B. Because even though “dad” just lives right down the street, we dont exactly met eye to eye on everything and raising these kids to believe in God can be challenging with his views quite present.
As for things I would love to see or topics, I would love to see more posts that get people involved in taking action. I am toying with a random acts of kindness idea and hoping to get many people involved. Simple idea, not so simple implementation.
.-= Gretch-A-Sketch?s last blog ..Happy 2010!!! =-.
Was thinking about you the other day and visited your blog! I hope you’ve been doing well :)
I think any kind of leadership or ministry can be lonely. Few really want to do it, it makes you an easy target for blame and it makes you the center of attention when things go wrong.
.-= Matt @ The Church of No People ?s last blog ..I Have My Doubts About This =-.
Question 1: Maybe some advice on how to relate to older people in church. I’ve noticed a huge generation gap between people over 40 and people 25 and under. I’m the only twenty-something in my church and they don’t understand me at all.
Question 2:
I have a language disorder (Auditory Processing Disorder) that sometimes makes it extremely difficult to hear words. Words sound like garble and I spend a huge amount of time reading lips and memorizing people’s speach patterns. I also stutter and have difficulty verbalizing things when I get flustered.
It’s pretty lonely.
Thanks so much for sharing. My brother has a similar disorder and I know how hard it’s been for him.
Wow, I’ve never heard of ‘APD’, but that sure describes me. I need to look into that.
Be encouraged!!
.-= Rocco?s last blog ..God is Love… =-.
I’d love us to keep talking about depression and mental illness issues, and keep rejecting the stigma so many of us feel in our churches around those issues.
As for where I feel alone, it’s probably in pursuing my photography dreams. I dream of taking photographs that really do change things, that expose injustice and cause people to move to compassion. It’s lonely on so many levels, of being written of as idealistic and naive by many friends, to the actual realities of traveling so much and finding it difficult to be grounded in one place.
Dream away. The world needs more idealists.
Amen!! I have such a hard time even dreaming at all anymore because so much of my life I was treated as naive for having those dreams. I have a hard time even receiving encouragement to dream because I’ve been so deeply wounded. I think there’s still a vow deep in my heart that I will never be seen as a starry-eyed, naive little girl again(even though I am now 24). *hugs*
Know that 1) people share that same stigma and 2) you have someone out there who honestly, whole-heartedly says “you can totally, 100% do it, put it out there and watch God pave the road for you!” I know He wouldn’t give you that passion without creating a path to bring it about somehow, someday.
P.S. I ache to be a true photographer too, still hiding in the wings though
.-= V. Higgins?s last blog ..Slowly creating new language in my heart… =-.
Thanks for the encouragement girls. And V – keep pursuing your dreams too. The only way to be a ‘true’ photographer is to actually DO the work of taking photographs. So keep going.
.-= emma?s last blog ..2009 In The Rearviewmirror =-.
I will be cliche’s here
Mentoring
Not cliche – passionate & focused :)
I felt alone last week as I tried to find New Year’s Eve plans. Somehow all of my friends had plans, but no one thought to invite the new girl in town (me). I’m determined to be an includer this year and to be aware of those that are looking for friends. I’m pretty sure I can tell by the look on their face.
To be honest, and I really don’t want to sound like I need a pity party, and yes, there are steps I could have taken to include – but this was the first year we were not invited to a single Xmas party OR new year’s party. So we kinda had our own new years, but the Xmas party thing was weird. I’m with you on being an includer.
I think I might have made up the word “includer” but thanks for being with me on that!
OK — I’m going to take a different angle. There are lots of days I feel alone. But after a year filled with saying “screw it” to trying to be different things to different people…I finally…after 34 years on this planet…don’t feel alone. I certainly don’t have anything figured out, but I did learn in the past year that I alienated myself by trying to be a different piece of who I was with different people, and never *all* of who I am with everyone. God used those who were really willing to be with me no matter what…and helped me realize that I would be alone if I was having a pity party…but alone if I stepped out for others. That said, I know that in a year, month, week, day or even an hour I might feel alone again…and not might…I will. However, at least I’ve got something I’ve learned from to hang onto hope…
.-= Dawn Bryant (@simplydawnb)?s last blog ..True confessions? =-.
I do that all of the time – be a different piece of who I was with different people and never *all* of who I am with everyone. How did you learn to not do that? Any Scripture that helped? I’d love to hear!
On the main topics of questions you asked….
1. I’ve always enjoyed most of the topics you bring to this blog. You provoke thought and bring it through the lens of your experiences. I like.
2. Alone? I don’t really feel alone much but I guess if I had to say when I do it’s when I struggle with a health issue that challenges me sometimes. Feeling like others don’t understand because my issue is not physically visible. Makes me feel alienated at times, only when I am having a poor me party, but that is rare. I usually try to just suck it up and thank God for it since after all, if this is the hand I am given then I’ll gladly play it. It could be far worse and my life is fantastic otherwise. : ) Perspective is a wonderful thing.
I’ve felt the same thing as far as health issues go. When people can’t see that something is wrong they either forget or I have the fear they think I’m being a whimp when really it’s taking all I’ve got to stay standing. Tough spot sometimes.
100% agree Lauren… especially on the whimp part. Praying for us both (and all others who have stepped out and shared on this blog).
I’m never alone, but I am usually lonely. I moved this past summer to a new city and the loneliness has been overwhelming. I’m a stay at home mom, and it is so hard to make friends when you have no place to make connections.
Even going to church has been hard – when you’re looking for something like what you left behind and there is nothing like it where you are, it’s hard to be motivated enough to go.
I keep in touch with a few of my old friends through blogging, but at times, when I read their posts, the loneliness gets overwhelming.
I also have depression. It’s under control, but it makes it that much more difficult to keep a positive attitude through this. :/
.-= Rachel?s last blog ..31 Day Exercise Challenge =-.
Hi Anne and Friends!
As for content you do a great job – I do love times when we “discuss” our lives, but I trust God to guide you in what that looks like and includes.
As for where I feel alone, I’d say it’s all across the board right now. I don’t currently have a church home, and as you said, many of what I thought were deep friendships were apparently “circumstantial”. I really do need some spiritual community in my life right now but don’t have it – all of my closest friends attend the church where I was on staff so there are elements of my life I feel uncomfortable sharing with them because it would not be the best thing for them or me. I just need a friend right now that will walk with me through this awkward transition of life – going from staff member to church attender for a while, and who will also pray with me as I travel and teach with the Give Worship Project, Inc and seek God for future direction. I feel like I’m walking all alone and I don’t think that’s God’s will for any of us.
Thanks for talking about circumstantial relationships. I have experienced that many times and it’s very hurtful. I have developed some close friends now, but there’s this fear I have that if we aren’t involved in the same things, our friendship will become more distant. It shouldn’t be that way.
**There are many comments here about the “circumstantial relationships” if you haven’t read through them all. Basically meaning friendships or relationships you thought were more solid, and when circumstances changed, the relationship dissipated.**
Any other people experience this? I’m wondering if maybe it should be a later blog post.
Switch churches, or stop (going to an institutional church) altogether and you’ll know exactly what that is!
.-= Rocco?s last blog ..God is Love… =-.
I’ve been on staff at 4, and my dad pastored 5. Lynse and Jan (above) talk about their transitions off staff, too.
Leave a church, lose the family. It’s so strange. After 12 years at a church, I have just a few friends who remained friends with me. It was like the mafia and I was the betrayer. But it sounds like this has happened to others?
Quite a few. My family, myself included in that mix.
I guess you kind of expect it from a secular job, but when I left the last one I had, I thought I had a “best friend” there — and now we rarely ever talk, much less see each other.
I was on staff at another church and left it to help plant another church. Now, to many in that body whom I thought of as friends, I’m an enemy of the worst kind. Some have even turned aside rather than face having to say hello in our small town.
I think with your own experience and that of your followers, Anne, you could write a book not just a blog post!
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
Definitely feeling the circumstantial relationship thing. Never had anyone put a name to it though and greatly appreciate that you did! Opens up the opportunity for dialogue and sharing of experiences.
I haven’t been going to a ‘Brick and Mortar’ (Institutional) church for about 5 years now. I have been a Christian for 20, yet the last five have been the most intimate with God. I have grown ‘in Love’ and ‘in His Love’ more then the 15 years prior. I have a relationship with Him, not a religion.
But it is a lonely place out here. Christians just can’t believe that you can find God outside those walls (maybe they don’t want to find Him to begin with). It is sad more for them, then me really, for most that I know, do not know God as a Lover, but a tyrant waiting to strike down those who screw up.
I wish others would fall in love with God as I have. Then maybe it wouldn’t be so lonely out here.
Rocco
.-= Rocco?s last blog ..God is Love… =-.
I sometimes feel alone in that I’m one of a very few number of 20-somethings involved in my congregation.
I’m encouraged by the big steps my church has allowed me to take as far as technology lately though.
Your content is great Anne. :)
.-= Graham?s last blog ..I?m a Church Planter! =-.
You rock Graham :)
I’ve only recently starting following along here, but I’ll be thrilled if the conversations continue to just be honest and cover topics like mental health and the fact that the church sometimes hurts people – the topics not many others are talking about.
Right now I feel most alone at the house church I’ve recently joined. Mostly because they’re a group that solidly knows each other and has developed friendships, and it’s hard to be the new person in the midst of that. It’s harder still when you’re a bit afraid to risk new friendships after watching several you’ve held dear and counted nearly as family, and certainly as the community of believers you were a part of self-destruct following an overseas experience we shared.
So, aiming to make friends, and become part of the group this year. But in a way that is somehow healthy for me
.-= Lisa?s last blog ..Blue? =-.
Thanks for commenting and yes, the conversations do get pretty honest around here. :) My next book is actually based off a blog post I did a couple years ago asking “What’s one thing you feel like you can’t say in church?” … so … we have much to say about that! :)
Wagons in is a tough deal. Have experienced that too…minus the overseas part.
Topics: What your passionate about, Anne. That’s what makes each blog unique and when the content is best. Your push for embracing brokenness in the church continues to inspire me and is so very needed.
I am lonely for many of the same reasons others have shared. I will second the notion that I’m never alone but do feel lonely. I *know* that God is always there, always with me and I’m never alone. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t feel lonely.
For me the lonely feelings are in part self-inflicted because I am an introvert at heart and find it difficult to push myself out of my comfort zone and into relationships when trusting is so hard. But ultimately deep down a part of me wants that. The battles with ourselves always seem to be the hardest.
The other part in large is due to two things 1) Circumstantial relationships like a ton of people have noted, and 2) The struggle that Dawn shared of not being *all* of you with anyone. There are very few, sometimes I’m not sure any, people in my life who I feel I can be *all* of me with. This is definitely a challenging area for me…I sense some personal growth coming :)
I’ve called that not being *all* of me with anyone mask-wearing. With these people I’m like this, with those people, I’m like that — and no one knows *me*.
Poor Jack knows me: the good, the bad and the oh-so-ugly. And he loves me anyway. What a picture of Christ I get to see in my home every day!
Right now, I’m in the midst of the second day of nothingness, knowing what I need to do but fearing the outcome, possible results, challenges, etc. Comfort is about to disappear, I think.
Katie, I’ll keep you in my prayers, that you can learn to take off any masks and just be you. For me, one of the best helps has been the NLT version of Galatians 1:10: “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Hope it helps you, too.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
Lonely; people expect me to contact them when I feel the friendship should be a go/give; They want to be my friend but don’t keep up the friendship; I have to keep in touch first.
Topics this year:
Saying “No” without feeling guilty
Phoney Christians
Supportive Relationships/Vs. Self-Centered Relationships
.-= Carol?s last blog ..Being Wise! =-.
I feel incredibly lonely when it comes to my position in ministry. I’ve been working in youth ministry for several years, and I feel like I have lost any enthusiasm I once had for working in the church. I love my kids, but all of the other stuff that has gone with it has driven me crazy. I’ve been known to say on more than one occasion that working in a church makes me want to quit Jesus. I’m definitely tired, and feel like I lack any real support in my situation. I’ll be stepping down at the end of January, but at this point, it’s not public knowledge (hence why I remain anonymous) and it’s a very lonely place to be.
I’m also lonely relationally. I live a couple hours away from most of my close friends, and while their friendship has been awesome and faithful since my move, it’s still a difficult position to be in.
Thanks for sharing, and for taking a leap of faith! I fully understand how working with Christians makes you want to be an atheist at times! Or maybe a Buddhist. :)
My statement is “My job is fabulous if it just weren’t for the people!”
You’re not alone! Sounds trite, but keep your eyes on Jesus, do what HE says, and let the people who try to tell you what to do figure out their own selves.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
Now that I’ve read all the posts, I USED to feel alone!! : ) Seriouly Anne, THANK YOU and the rest of the people here for sharing their real thoughts.
I am alone (away from adults) most of my time as a teacher. I am single as well, with no kids, and no extended family.
It is difficult to connect on an intellectual level with church people. It is very hard to find friends, I am tired of volunteering. I want to have coffee, relax, and discus God.
I am not versed in the bible, yet want to learn more about church history, discuss biblical essentials/non, have conversations that are NOT pro Republican, or the sky is falling!
Even though I do not know much, but I tend to understand more. Many people will dismiss you when you seem less knowledgeable.
Please I do not mean to sound whiny at all. I am a pretty semi timid/talkative person, and love people, and life.
Wait – Jesus isn’t a republican??!! :)
Thanks for sharing. I didn’t go to college so I always get this “look” when people asked where I went to school.
Oh how well I know that look! I’ve since started telling them I’ve been enrolled in the University of Hard Knocks for about 30 years and still haven’t gotten my degree.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
I feel most alone in my walk with Christ. Have been a Christian for 15 years – worked for a church for 5-1/2 of them and am still wrestling with the aftermath (wounds) from that.
When I first became a Christian, it was all-encompassing. Working at “my church” was a dream-come-true. It’s been 4 years since leaving (both the job and the church) – and I am healing. A friend gave me a copy of “Mad Church Disease” that I’m looking forward to diving into.
Where do I feel alone in all of that? God looks extremely different to me now then He did back then. If I were to be totally honest, I’m not very close to Him these days. I attend a different church that has actually been an amazing help with what I believe is great teaching from a very transparent pastor. I feel cynical. And edgy. I don’t fit any longer. And I don’t really want to.
It’s like the Sarah Palin phenom. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman – but it seems most people (Christians) felt she was qualified simply because she was a believer. While I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, the credentials of a fish on the car and a bible in the handbag does zero for me these days. Afterall, the pastor of the very large church I worked for for 5-1/2 years wears the tag of Christian too, yet he’s the angriest most rage-filled man I know who takes people down at the knees.
The title of Christian does nothing for me these days. I’m not even sure what it means any longer. It makes me sad. And while I want my God back, the One I had created in my noggin doesn’t seem to exist any longer. And I’m not sure I recognize what God actually looks like.
Not a popular stance that many get, but this is why I feel alone.
Thanks for the candor of your blogs, Anne.
I wanted to say that even though this path is a rough and rocky one, just keep holding on and I know God will show you a much bigger, more amazing side of Himself than you could ever imagine. Many times my idea of God/life as a Christian, etc has been shattered, but He never fails to pick up the pieces and create something beyond what I can truly understand. It’s scary, and it’s heart breaking, but in the breaking of my heart, He creates a new one in me that is slowly, slowly more like His.
.-= V. Higgins?s last blog ..Slowly creating new language in my heart… =-.
I am beginning to think that popular is a bunch of BS. Thank you for being brave enough to share the truth of what you’re thinking regardless of how popular it may be.
While I like what V. Higgins posts (i really do) – it would be nice to be whole for 5 seconds. But maybe that won’t happen until heaven is reached.
I think it will have to happen on the other side of this earth….
I feel alone when I think about trying to get my finances in order.
.-= Elaine?s last blog ..Monday Morning Update =-.
I hear you here. It has taken several years but we can finally see the light…it is possible…a topic I will be discussing for sure.
I know I’ve thrown my two cents in here earlier but I wanted to address both topics so here goes. ^_^
1) I love what you do and wouldn’t have you change a thing. I appreciate that you find a good balance between ‘topics’ and real life. I love it. I love how honest and open you are, it has been a definite encouragement.
2) *big sigh* This is where I am especially thankful for your content on mental issues. I grew up with a family that believed that depression was just someone who couldn’t control their emotions. College dramatically changed that for me. Now I’m going through a ‘lite’ version of that in my own life. From Christmas until late March, I feel like I lose myself, probably because of S.A.D. Thankfully I have a supportive husband and I hope this year will be better due to having actual friends out here.
Church feels very ‘skin deep’. They’re nice people but already have full plates and aren’t interested in befriending two young, newly-marrieds (of which we are the *only* ones, not only young marrieds but out of high school but not in mid-late 30s).
Marriage, I love my husband and am thankful for him but I have no one I can easily go to when I’m at a loss and can’t seem to figure out what’s my head and what’s real.
My head, I used to think I was the only one who had nasty voices in my head telling me how I’ll never do it right, how it’s always my fault, etc, etc,etc. But the more women I open up to, the more I realize that maybe it’s not so unusual after all… (would love your feedback on that one Anne)
Last, dreaming. As I mentioned before, I have a really really hard time dreaming at all, let alone telling someone about my dreams because I am scared spit-less that they’ll give me *that* smile (you know the one) and write me off in their heads as a naive dreamer.
Sorry for the length :-/ Nothing earth-shattering but it can be hard to carry sometimes. (granted, I know I’m not supposed to, but that’s still a work-in-progress)
.-= V. Higgins?s last blog ..Slowly creating new language in my heart… =-.
Thanks for sharing. We are in a few of the same boats. :)
V, you’re not alone in hearing those voices, nor in your fear of sharing your thoughts and dreams. Not by a long shot.
You sound like a woman who is striving in the right direction, though. Thank you so much for being open.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
On the question of being alone…
I’ve struggled with loneliness a lot in these past few years. I’ve gone through deep hurts caused by relationships that just made me retreat instead of reach out. On the surface, it wouldn’t seem like I’m lonely. I belong to a thriving church, know a lot of people there as a result of me being active in the young adult community and on the main worship team. I work at a company in which many people are of my age. I live in San Francsico where there’s easy access to a lot of social events. My family lives in the area. I have a girlfriend.
But I’m still alone inside.
There’s a part of me that longs for deeper relationships with friends, especially other guys. I’ve learned that if you just let a relationship take it’s natural course and you hardly do anything to nurture it, it will turn stale. That’s exactly what has happened with a lot of my friends I used to be close with in college. I’ve spent a lot of life being frustrated that even after my efforts to proactively reach out, people don’t reach out.
Now I’m finally realizing that you can’t rely on anybody to reach out and that the responsibility is on YOU to do your best to nurture a relationship. There’s a point, I believe, where after a lot of investment in your part, if there is absolutely no return, it would be wise to stop. But generally speaking, I believe people are lonely because they expect fulfillment to come to them and they sit back and wait…and wait…and get more frustrated and more lonely…and they sink deeper. The reality is, it’s up to you to be proactive to kill your loneliness and seek fulfillment.
So this year, one of my main resolutions is similar to yours. I’m going to reach out to old friends and re-invest in those relationship as well as intentionally seeking out and investing in new ones.
Great stuff. Thanks for sharing. I think a lot of us here can relate.
Since becoming reformed Christians, my husband and I felt very lonely at church. So last January we stopped going. We’d rather be alone at home. Although my husband has a few friends that are like minded, I don’t. I long for a friend and a church that embraces grace. It’s been difficult finding a reformed church where we live (Miami). I’m also afraid of joining another church community where everyone plays the “I’ve got it all together” game. Being lonely sucks, but putting up with that charade is worse.
At 58, I’m probably old enough to be a mother to many of you–I’ve been walking with the Lord since age 18. I’m currently not attending church for various reasons, but most of all, because I do want to be alone with God (I’m a high school teacher). Being alone can be a real blessing. The times in my life when I’ve begged God for someone to whom I could talk ended up being some of the best times because no one ever showed up, so my roots had to go deep into God’s absolute love. Personally, I believe there’s far too much emphasis on relating to other people and not enough on the power of the Father-child relationship God calls us all to have.
For those who have questions or a “shaky” faith, talk to God about it. He’s the One with all the answers and He takes time to work understandings out with us.
One thing I have learned is that I am to put my trust not in people, but in God and I am to love people, be kind to them, and bless them.
God’s love is absolute–perfect, complete, and real.Throw yourself into that love and everything else will eventually work out.
.-= patriciazell?s last blog ..#25 UNDERSTANDING CHRIST: HIS TRIUMPHANT CRUCIFIXION PART 2 =-.
I actually like to be alone. It gives my brain a chance to unwind, especially after a weekend of speaking. When I’m speaking, I try to go back to my hotel room between sessions for a few minutes of alone time to refresh and refocus.
I also like quiet. I get up very early in the morning because the quiet allows my brain to work. My best writing happens the first two hours when everyone else is still asleep.
What I don’t like is being lonely.
I feel lonely in my Christian walk. We left the church several years ago after hearing so many trite and stigmatizing things about our son’s mental illness. There’s general support for family members, but little Christian support.
I have a few close friends, and I’ve reconnected with my BFF from high school recently. I enjoy the just having a few friends; we are beyond the superficial after two decades or more of friendship. We connect daily through email, Facebook, and the phone.
So, back to question #1. You’ve had some poignant comments on Twitter about homelessness. I especially like the one about using empty church buildings. Homelessness is a topic near to me because my son has been homeless. It is once again hidden. Good topic for Christians to be discussing.
i feel most alone in ministry.
i am in germany as a missionary, but due to church shrinkage, i am only barely supported (50$ a month) and the contact to people from the church has also diminished. (although i did get my first care package this year- after 10 years)
things got very difficult this past year, when i had to close down the half-way house i was running because of the financial situationa dn a guy who just.. well, blew it. and i ended up in a new city where i know almost no one, not sure of what doors God will open.
and aparently it’s a big taboo to be in ministry and suffering through anything. i am supposed to always be cheerfully updating my status with miracles and blessings and testimonies… but right now, that wouldn’t be the most accurate discription of where i am. i think i am in the right place.. i just don’t know how to go on.
i am burnt-out, depressed, and wishing people cared.
.-= xate?s last blog ..looking ahead.. 2010 =-.
i care. i’ll be praying for you. i understand the burn-out and loneliness and the cheerful status updates! don’t know if this will help you, but when i feel like this, i try to tell myself what the bible says in eph. 6…when i’ve done all, just stand. lately, that’s all i’ve been able to do, but i feel like if i can just keep standing, i’m winning the battle. like i said, i don’t know if that will mean anything to you. i guess i should just keep it simple and say…i care. and i’m praying GOD will send some pretty awesome and encouraging people your way.
hope
thank you!
and also thanks to A who wrote me back on my blog. it is awesome to see that strangers are willing to take a minute to encourage one another.
.-= xate?s last blog ..looking ahead.. 2010 =-.
I care, too. Man! I don’t know how I would handle being where you are. As Hope has said, keep standing. And keep sharing, no matter how bad it sounds. Only when we know one another’s burdens can we help carry them.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
i’m in ministry, and i am lonely. i just resigned my staff position in september. the friends i thought i had are all gone…guess they didn’t realize we could still be friends. i tried, but friendship must be a 2-way street. in my new ministry endeavor to work with young women, i find myself doubting my ability and my calling. i’m still working through forgiveness and trust issues. i’m getting there. i currently have church at home. i guess i’m giving my input for relational topics and how to not be so cynical and non-trusting. also, i’d love to hear more about figuring out how to live out your dreams, how to set aside the self-doubt and discouragement. thought i’d put in my 2 cents for what it’s worth.
btw, thanks so much for your blog. i sooo love the name. =)
hope
I too would like to see more about homelessness. It’s an issue that God has put on my heart.
Like others, sometimes I like to be alone, but most of the time I hate it. I feel like a loser because of it. I don’t see why I can’t make friends more easily/have a group of friends in my life. The people that I have met in my life all say good things about me.
I have pretty much felt alone all my life which will soon be 26 years. It hasn’t helped that i’ve been ignored by relatives/family all my life. I was shy growing up and I tend to think that i’ve gotten out of that now, but I always had problems making friends in school. I basically spent 5th-12th grade alone. A few years back, I lived with a bunch of girls in a house and there was a few of us that connected, but I don’t feel that friend connection anymore. I’ve moved quite a bit the last few years and I definately try to find a church “home” when I move, but the problems i’ve found is that churches don’t have a ministry for 20-30 yr olds, or they do but they meet once or twice a month, or it’s for college age students which I don’t feel like I fit into. I also tend to feel on the outside going to groups like this because I find that people have attended that church for a long time/grew up going to church there and everyone seems to know everyone. I try to find other groups/ministries to get involved with, but again either the church doesn’t offer any ministries I can get involved with or they don’t offer ones that interest me. I also went to a 4 yr. Christian college last year and after being their a year, I didn’t make any friends. It was different having 18 yr olds as classmates and trying to relate. Especially when it seems like they weren’t Christians-putting up a fake facade. It was one of the main reasons why I didn’t return. It’s hard since I feel like everyone else is connected with other people and i’m not. I do have 2 friends I talk with but they live in another state.
As i’ve been learning over the years, we essentially aren’t alone because God is always with us. Also, He is the one that brings people into our lives and out of our lives. We have to trust Him and pray that He will bring the right pepole into our lives.
I have read each post, and I am praying over them all. I pray that each one of you feels Jesus right beside of you, right NOW…. that You feel Him Hugging you; holding you, just being still with you. YOU are not Alone. Physically.Yes. Spirit(ually).No.
HOWEVER,
I know how physical lonelines feels. My addiction (Marlboro Lights) left this Humongous,Dark,Lonely HOLE. I gave them up 4 months ago, this Friday. I still have to intentionally fill the HOLE with perspective; and, someday’s I just have to sleep it off..:-). The lonely sensation drives me passionately, intenseley, crazily towards You, the alone. Jesus, please come quickly.
Anne, your balance of real life stuff & abstract expressionism ROCKS. I connect with your poetry. Keep on keepin’ it real-and, Please for the Love of God, keep making us laugh….. -Thanks.
.-= Reese?s last blog ..The 411: battle plan and team =-.
I’d definitley like to hear more about ‘circumstantial relationships.’ I’ve moved twice in the past two and a half years (my husband is a student pastor) and didn’t realize during the first move how few true friends I actually had. The second move, I felt a little more prepared or maybe I should say, a little more jaded.
To answer the ‘alone’ Q: I feel like I go though seasons of aloneness. Especially after a big move or transition. The first six months are always the hardest and loneliest, with a constant ‘alone’ feeling.
Thanks for this blog Anne! You Rock!
Alone question: I am beyond tired of people who met their spouse prior to age 25 telling those of us giving dating/marriage advice to those of us who are still single after 30. They have NO IDEA what it’s like, at all. And it’s fairly lonely to be in the middle of a group of people who don’t understand that.
great, thought provoking question…definitely felt my “alone” today as I realized I find myself in this season of being single surrounded by young moms and older women and yet not a kid anymore…
.-= Katy?s last blog ..JOY =-.
I am unemployed, not part of a church or partnering with a non-profit. This makes me feel alone because I am invested in something larger than myself. What makes me feel less alone is running.
I feel alone in my depression. A lot of my friends know I have it, but I don’t think they understand the emotional hell I live in. No one understands that the main reason why I’m taking a year off from seminary is because my depression is literally destroying my life and my will to live.
I feel alone with my self harm. I cut myself on a fairly regular basis, in a very obvious place; my left arm. There are only four people on earth who know about it. They tell me to call them whenever I feel like cutting myself, but I don’t.
I feel alone with my singleness. Today I found myself hoping that this year would be the year that I’d go on my first date, and that my first date would take place before my 25th birthday, which is in August. I know 8 couples getting married this year, and have lots of married friends. I talk to them about it, but most of them are younger than me, and dated a couple people before they met thier spouse. They don’t understand what it’s like to be alone for so long. I’ve never even been kissed yet.
I feel alone because I’m in so much trouble and have so many problems, but no one knows because I do such a good job of pretending that there’s nothing wrong with me.
.-= Charlotte?s last blog ..grief, recovery, and books. =-.
Charlotte, Depression is misunderstood at best by society in general; in the Christian world it’s worse. When I was dealing with depression I got tired of comments like, “Yeah, I feel down myself sometimes” or “Get out of the house, you’ll feel better.”
When you try to explain depression, preconceived notions take over and you aren’t heard. Not being heard is for me the worse part of depression.
Find some place where you don’t have to pretend. A good counselor, which is not always your pastor or other minister, is vital to making it through.
I know, I’ve been there.
.-= Susan K. Stewart?s last blog ..Anosognosia ? Not Home for the Holidays =-.
Agreed. You are NOT alone. It has been six or seven years now of doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapy and trying meds to still end up in the same despair every year. Trying a new doctor, a new approach this year. But it is very isolating and even being married for most of the time this has affected me, very difficult for my husband.
Check to see if you can find a counselor to talk to, or a psychiatrist to get treated medically (not your GP!)
The aloneness of this illness SUCKS!!!!! Thank you for sharing about cutting too. I have injured myself in other ways and know the desire to hurt not not to hurt.
Hugs. Charlotte. I am praying for you, and I am so incredibly sorry for your pain.
I pray God sends someone into your life that rocks your world asap.
You are not alone, sweet Girl.
.-= Reese?s last blog ..The 411: battle plan and team =-.
I totally am with you. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm for several years. I feel like there is no way a friend or family member could understand why I feel the need/desire to cut.
I also understand the singleness thing. I’ve been single for about 6 years, and I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten what it feels like to kiss.
Know that there is at least someone else out there who understands your pain. I’m praying for you.
Hate that you all experience the same heartbreak, but praying your hearts will mend together to help each other become whole and healed (James 5)
Charlotte,
I am praying for you. I hurt for you. When I need to hurt physically to try to numb the much deeper pain, I find holding my hand in a big tub of ice water works (at least a little- not as real). It was a “trick” I learned from a counselor once upon a time…
As I read through the comments, I’m struck by the number of us who aren’t attending church. Why is that?
I still believe, pray, fellowship with Christian, even occasionally attend a Bible study class. It’s the Sunday morning ritual I’ve given up, for a variety of reasons.
Maybe this would also be a good topic for discussion.
.-= Susan K. Stewart?s last blog ..Anosognosia ? Not Home for the Holidays =-.
i agree. good topic.
i haven’t been attending church in a couple of months. i’ve had church at home. i, too, still believe, pray, read my bible. i’m a minister. so is my husband. he’s not currently involved in ministry..went into education. he did attend a church this past week and plans to go back, but i just can’t go, especially to that church. i’m in transition. i still feel like i need to be in ministry, but i’m just not ok with the institution of church right now. i’ve seen too much, and i’m tired of being hurt by the politics, the sexism, and the agendas. i don’t want my family split up on sundays, but i don’t know what else to do. i guess my family needs to be in a church building on sundays. is it ok that i don’t feel that way?
i have so many questions. am i setting a bad example by not going? should i just suck it up, put on a brave yet plastic front and go for the sake of my family? will GOD change my heart about going? what if he doesn’t? what if i never find a church home? how do i explain that my family goes to a church, but i have alone time with GOD on sundays? i know my husband wants me to go with him, and i want to be with him. he couldn’t find anywhere else to go? he knows how i feel about that particular church. but i guess i haven’t done much better choosing the last 2. with churches on every block here in the bible belt, you’d think this would be easy. and yet…it’s not…at least for me.
sorry so long. i planned a short response to your post. =) thanks for posting. makes me feel like i’m not as alone as i thought. =)
hope
Hope, my heart hurts for your situation. I pray that God will reveal Himself and His plan for you to you in a way that is unmistakable. I have little doubt that when He does, He will reveal the same thing to your husband — He’s like that.
I understand the feelings. God took me out of a ministry I loved by completely taking away any desire to be around church or church people. My husband and I literally could not bring ourselves to go somewhere on a Sunday morning. We continued to pray and receive sermons and teaching through ministries we knew and appreciated.
Here’s the hard part, though: When God did reveal to us where He wanted us to go it was to *that* church locally. Not one we’d been to, but we knew the reputation for slicing and dicing people that this church had. It was all part of His plan, though and while it’s been a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs, it’s been amazing. Trust Him. He’ll bring you the answers, in HIS time. (That’s a hard part.)
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
I find it interesting that in our loneliness we often feel as though no one else would understand what we are going through. The comments here would definitely prove otherwise!
The past 9 months have been some of the most lonely times of my life. Friendships that I had spent several years cultivating seemed to be gone in an instant. Circumstances had not even changed yet but my husband and I had voiced that they would in the near future and everyone seemed to pull back at the shear notion of it. It not only shocked us but caused deep sadness.
Anne when you talked about not being invited to parties this holiday I totally feel that pain. It sounds trivial when I say it out loud but the pain of not being included is very real. Especially when I have always been one to be sensitive to the inclusion of others. It’s odd because I would think that you, Anne, would be a great party guest…fantastic conversations for sure!
During this very long time of loneliness i came across an article on Tim Keel’s Blog titled “Cultivating Loneliness” http://www.timkeel.com/timkeel/2009/06/cultivating-loneliness.html I would highly recommend giving it a read and reading the original article he references.
Loneliness causes so much doubt and insecurity. I am thankful that I have learned that ultimately my security cannot come from anyone other than God. But I still long for and need to have people in my life that are willing to walk hand in hand through the good stuff and the bad.
.-= Esther?s last blog ..The Celebration of Epiphany =-.
I feel most alone battling an addiction I’ve carried with me for years. I’ve already tried enough times to know that I will never get out of this hopeless cycle on my own, but just the thought of revealing this dark side of me to someone else scares me to death. There are only a couple people I trust enough but I know that I will never be able to look them in the eye again and that is something that I can’t let happen. They probably won’t know what to do with me anyways…
Please trust me, and others who will say the same – the moment you share, you will feel freedom. You will not BE free, as there is much work to embrace in transformation, but confession is the beginning of that. Just speak. I promise it will be okay.
Hi Stephanie. I have a patch of my life that I have been comtemplating sharing with the masses (Blogging).
The only reason I would share this part of my life, is for someone else that might be going thru this same season, could/would have, hope. I come from a VERY Fundamentalistic background (Father=Minister)….. Now that I type that out-that is really the only reason I haven’t shared the secret—–Hmmmm.
Anyway, feel free to reach out to me…Email, whatever if you want. I know it sometimes helps to have someone walking with ya…..
The idea of sharing this still makes me want to throw up every time I think about it, but thanks for the encouragement. I?m taking it to heart.
I guess my biggest fear is if they don?t know how to respond to the bomb I drop on them and can?t help me, I will not only be in the same place as I am now but I will also lose the respect of someone I really look up to. Where is the freedom in that?
Reese, thanks a lot. I really appreciate the offer.
The truth sets you free.
The Bible promises that.
YOU are not responsible for THEIR actions.
You have brought darkness and shame into light, and the bible says God is faithful and just to those who confess.
Even if they freak out, YOU are doing the right thing in the eyes of God. And his opinion of you is the ONLY one that matters! :)
I am still in the midst of my situation, so I don’t feel qualified to advise, but I do feel compelled to share, so here goes…
I think that sharing is crucial. Getting a large part of our story out in the open was a huge growth step that I feel better about (almost) every day.
However, choosing the time/place/audience of the sharing as well as the level of detail should be very prayerfully considered.
I thrive in the level of care and empathy provided by many other seminary wives. I hurt when after sharing former “friends” look away when I walk down the halls. I cry in my closet regularly when I think of the non-response of my mother.
I don’t know what this means for you, but I don’t know how to share any other way not knowing your story and you not knowing mine.
The thing I feel the most alone in, is in regards to my marriage. Been together a long time, a few kids. Years ago when I bailed on ministry, all I got was grief. After many years, my wife still has no idea why I bailed. Hasn’t asked. I tried to tell her, but she was busy with TV.
Its my little secret that I don’t want to be secret. Its a pain I carry after a couple of decades. She’s been a great wife, and we have a (mostly) good relationship. I’m gonna sound like a woman here, but I need her to not have the emotional disconnect on the tough stuff.
Definitely not alone. It is difficult for Chris and I to connect sometimes too and I know several friends in the same boat as what you talk about. Have you seen a counselor together?
no. Not sure she would go. She has a real issue with accepting blame, and while she has none in this situation, she avoids any situation where she might have to accept some.
Can I offer a little advice? Make it all about you and your need to go – nothing about her. Let her know you want her to be there so she can understand why you need help…maybe she’ll open up in the process, maybe not…but I think asking her just to be there for you would be good. Not to manipulate, but to lead by humility.
I feel fairly lonely sometimes. Feeling isolated contributed to the major depression I went through last year — a depression I’m still feeling the aftershocks of. These days I feel lonely because I have one foot in academia and one foot in ministry, and very few people from either camp understand where I’m coming from.
Some of you may have read that, according to research, feelings of loneliness can be contagious. USA Today reported on this interesting study that was published just last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: http://tinyurl.com/ycmf6u6. A friend of mine — a very lonely grad student herself — alerted me to this research.
I sometimes feel very alone in my (very young) marriage. My husband is a wonderful man, who is kind and romatnic and generous and patient. But my insecurities have taken me by surprise. I trust my husband and love him very much but fear and hurt and emotional scars I hadn’t noticed before can sometimes make me behave as though I didn’t trust him or even love him. And then I hurt him which I hate to do. This makes me feel very alone because I can’t even to explain to myself why I behave this way so trying to explain it to someone else just seems impossible.
Fiona, now is the time to sit down and talk openly with your hubby about those feelings you’re getting. Let him know all these things you KNOW about him and tell him about the fears, hurts and scars that creep in and cause you to THINK things about him that go against what you KNOW.
I’ve had to do that, and even now, almost 19 years of marriage and it happens again, but because we’ve talked and he knows my places of fear and insecurity, He listens to me and just loves me through those times. Sometimes he steers clear of my ranting pettiness, then he’s near when I need to know I haven’t destroyed everything, but he’s there. I’ll bet yours will be too.
.-= Faye?s last blog ..Define Success =-.
I walked through this w/my husband (I was in your shoes). It takes time and lots of counseling (or at least some!) :) is beneficial!
I felt urged to leave another comment on this thread admonishing everyone to obey ALL urges when it comes to reaching out to stranger’s, friends, family member’s, etc——No matter their “status.” As Anne said…. Popularity is B.S. Popular CAN be lonely too…..
Coffee chat/dinner/stop & listen @ the printer, desk, etc/Make yourself available.
I know what lonely feels like, that’s all. I don’t want to enable someone else’s lonliness. I want to distinguish it.
.-= Reese?s last blog ..The 411: battle plan and team =-.
Regarding what topics to discuss, whatever the Lord leads. Topics that I never thought would matter before have positively impacted me personally and in ministry in ways I could never imagined.
Regarding feeling alone…ouch. I am physically busier than I have ever been struggling with three pre-school aged children and being 1/2 of a couple in seminary. God-given friends surround me physically, spiritually, and emotionally, as well as virtually. My husband is a wonderful helpful, attentive, and loving husband and father. I am currently blessed beyond measure. However, I can’t seem to overcome the fears of the past and worries over the future to abide in this present.
We have shared parts of our story, but not all, but here goes – my husband’s pre-conversion affair and continuing recovery from pornongraphy addiction coupled with my own past of sexual abuse from a family/church member that continued from the crib until puberty have me so full of fear that no matter how many times I scream/cry/crawl into the closet/beg God to take/throw at Him, etc, I can’t seem to escape. I am drowning in the feelings of helplessness/hopelessness/worthlessness.
I feel so afraid and alone. And I want to possess the happiness/fellowship/love that I can see all around me. Am I the only one stuck here?