When I first started talking about Permission to Speak Freely, I said it had been brewing in my head since May 2008.
But I think it has actually be inside my heart for a LOT longer – like, the last thirteen years.
I found this letter in a journal I kept when I was just sixteen years old.
?Dear Nobody,
I thought when you became a Christian everything was supposed to be all happy and full of life and fire. Sure, it seems that way at first but when life goes on, the fire goes down to ashes and there seems like there is no hope.
Right now, all I want to do is cry but I can?t. I feel confused, rejected, and hopeless. I don?t understand why, either. I just need to get it all out and that?s why I?m writing to you, Nobody.
I?m afraid to trust anyone with these feelings because I fear my mixed emotions will go deeper.? I just need to feel understood. But nobody understands it. Nobody is like me.
Or, maybe everybody else is just like me and they hide it like I do.
If the world feels like me, I wish they?d let me know. I think they might be hiding their true emotions under a mask of fear.?
It’s been an interesting process digging through some old memories. Thanks for hanging in there while this blog has been sporadic. I hope it will be worth it in the end.
—-
Comments
7 responses to “In My Heart For A While…”
Wow. I was never that honest at my sixteen year old self, but I know that I felt the same way….still do even now, when I forget to be on guard and think about the things that are lovely, true, and honest…Philippians 4:8 is a verse that I have to continually quote these days unless I want to get sucked up in myself and die, and that is not really what I want. :)
About the only thing I cared about at 16 was girls and sports.
Sad.
.-= Tyler´s last blog ..Epic =-.
I can relate to you, Anne. (now & back then) I pray God places his Angels all around you, to protect you, from all spiritual warfare. The subject matter being tossed around in your head and heart is going to make the Devil angry. You Go Girl!! Thank you for being so transparent.
Love.
Reese.
(A fellow Pk Kid)
.-= Reese´s last blog ..Chan, Francis =-.
Man, it blows my mind how Satan, in so many ways, is a one-trick-pony. He is so good at isolating us and making us feel as if we’re the only one; causing us to hush up and not share our feelings with anyone, which in turn causes each of us to feel like we’re in this fight alone.
I was thinking as I read this, isn’t it funny how many times Jesus and the writers of the NT encouraged the early church to confess their sins and their feelings? It’s almost like they KNEW we’d all suffer the same, and that isolating ourselves would lead to pain and confession would lead to freedom.
Dang. God is good.
.-= Erika´s last blog ..I love you. =-.
Sporadic or not I enjoy reading. Just keep coming Anne whenever you can.
.-= bill (cycleguy)´s last blog ..Saturday night baths =-.
very cool
.-= Jeff´s last blog ..What Jonathan Edwards Has to Say to Us =-.
I feel it too. Why does it seem like we’re all too afraid to show our true emotions. Maybe, it’s because they are like a river and we’re afraid we will be swallowed up in them?
.-= Nate´s last blog ..The Conflict Of Story. =-.