This week is “Sex Week” on my friend Matthew Paul Turner’s website. If you head over there today, you’ll see I answered a question via video (really, via two videos) about why men have affairs.?
However, the question did bring up another question as far as modesty goes. Last year, I posted some thoughts (and we had a quite lively discussion) on modesty in a blog entry called “My Thoughts on Boobies.”
In the spirit of “Sex Week,” I’d like to get your thoughts on modesty. The survey has a slightly more male-bias to it, but I would appreciate both men and women to take it. Some of the questions may seem a little bit legalistic in nature and know that is not my intent – I’m merely trying to take a reading on what people are truly thinking.
The survey is completely confidential and it will literally take you less than a minute to complete it. Once the results are in, I’ll share them with you. Because I like charts and graphs and analyzing things.
Click here to take the survey on modesty: Do Women Dress too Sexy?
Discuss below if you please…And pass it along…
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Comments
22 responses to “Do Women Dress too Sexy?”
Your form doesn’t work on question 9 if you try to type in other without marking something else.
Thanks. I changed that..
I took the survey.
I think the bottom line is, a husband should lead his household and a Godly wife should enjoy letting him lead. So the real question is, “Does your husband think that you dress modestly enough?”
If he does, then you’re good — even if he’s wrong. Although, in that case, you still may need to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit.
If he doesn’t, then you need to get some new clothes — even if he’s wrong.
If he doesn’t care, then you need to kick him in the batteries — the Holy Spirit will probably approve of this.
Check out my friend Patrick Mead’s sermon on modesty @ http://rccaudio.christianwitness.us
To summarize, the word “appropriate” for a Christian means, “whatever those around you need you to do in order to see Christ.”
I was able to take the survey. But I didn’t really like the options on question 8. I think some women should dress more modestly, but most are fine. So I answered it but it wasn’t really what I wanted.
I had an overlapping discussion with my wife last night. Her work has started working on addressing clothing. Too many people started coming to work in flipflops, tshirts and jeans. So instead of addressing the fairly small group about not dressing appropriately the boss started making rules that were not clear. (Like no shoes that make noise when you walk, which was meant to rule out flip flops but also would include most heels.) So now, many people went out and bought new shoes to meet the new rules, but several of the people that were wearing flip flops showed up yesterday in flip flops.
Some people just don’t get it. And you need to go to them personally and be direct. Others that don’t have a problem, when you address a large group, will feel like the message was meant for them and go overboard trying to address a problem that they didn’t have.
I took your survey, and I realize it’s geared towards the male experience, but I felt it not quite effective as it pushed one to fit in the Christian categories. What I mean is that I believe very strongly in personal choice and responsibility – whatever I do or don’t do is between me and God (and perhaps anyone involved in a specific situation). Thus all the questions about what is modest enough don’t fit my views. Especially since, as I wrote in the final question (I had wanted to leave it blank but wasn’t allowed to), I don’t buy into the Christian obsession with purity, preferring my sexuality/expressions of said sexuality to be healthy instead of repressed (I don’t mean to be snarky, but this is really how I feel. I base it on my experiences not growing up in church, converting when I was fifteen, and then getting guilt and shame about my sexuality shoved down my throat. And I’m heterosexual, so it’s technically a legit sexuality!). I know when sex/thinking about sex/masturbation becomes unhealthy, and I think it’s good we acknowledge that and teach people how to avoid it/recuperate from it, but I also think it could be avoided if we stop thinking that being pure means never thinking about sex. The main message I’ve gotten from Christian media is that sex is dirty and you shouldn’t be thinking about it. Yet you’re to save this dirty, dirty thing for the one person you love most. No wonder so many Christians have bad sex lives – it’s almost impossible to go from the profane to the sacred in one go.
Something else that bothers me, though not from you, Anne, as you’ve been very good in acknowledging the opposite, is that many Christians buy into and reinforce the stereotype “good girls don’t have sex, and if they do, they certainly don’t like it”. It’s something I read into the posts about masturbation on Matthew Paul Turner’s site – many, if not most of the comments were about men. Hello, women like sex too. It’s not all about emotions for us as if often said. We are sexual beings in our own right, and stop making us feel bad about it.
Okay, rant over. Thanks for giving me a chance to vent. ;)
Wanna stand out? Dress modestly.
If there is a woman among you who is dressed immodestly, then share of the love of Christ to her.
I took the survey and I thought it was short, sweet, and to the point.
I agree with the above comment that the church far too often makes sex a dirty deed, and that the healthy expressions of it should be celebrated, talked about, and affirmed in the right contexts. BUT, we must also hold this in tension with the culture we live in, which is oversexualized, oversensualizied, and over-experienced. The balance is truly hard to find, but I believe Christ gave the Church the power to do this and be the standard bearer. Afterall, as the Church we are meant to create a new culture, a new polis (to use Paul’s train of thought) of living, which means redeeming the broken parts of secular culture and making them beautiful again.
Took the survey. Good stuff Anne.
I think the subject is too broad to set rules about what can be worn and what shouldn’t be. It’s not the same for everybody. If a man is having a major struggle with lust, it won’t matter what you wear. He’s already violating you in his mind anyway. But, if a man is striving to live above his lusts, then it really comes down to what’s obviously crossing the line…to where even the women around are saying “can you believe what she’s wearing!?!”
I think sexy is good when it’s classy.
I’m always surprised by what “good christian girls” in this town wear.
They see it as being trendy; and to be honest I’d much rather them look like women than wear coveralls.
I think what’s missing is a more robust understanding of why christians shouldn’t present their bodies in that way. I’d also make the leap to addressing everybody. I wait tables in Franklin, TN (where “EVERYBODY” is a chrisitian) and there plenty of men and women who dress vainly that come in to dine.
Christians shouldn’t present their bodies in that way because we don’t believe that our bodies are primarily sexual objects that should be showcased. Nor do we believe that we should use our bodies as an asset to barter for attention and attracting a mate… yet these seem to be the primary reasons for the styles… “let me show you how much I’ve got, so you’ll give me something”; or the “look what you’d get if you took me home.” [ I can’t tell if they’re christians or not. They tend to tip okay, so probably not ;) ]
I think the instruction would be more meaningful if it took the angle of “what is the body for.” This would be much more palpable. Modesty is a cultural virtue, and will shift over time.
One last point, and then I’ll go. The other continued awkwardness while waiting tables is that once the table is seated, I am ABOVE my guests, which changes the sightlines. What was edgy at home in the mirror, becomes embarrassing at the restaurant. I’m not sure folks think about what they look like from other angles (above, below, across the room, how they sit…)
I took the survey. Loved the opportunity.
We women love the power we have over men. We can wear a neckline down to ……. there and have the attention of every man in the room — be it a bar room or a Sunday School room. I believe this goes back to the fall. (Doesn’t all sin?)
While I don’t agree completely with @Saskia’s rant, I do think she hit the nail on the head in that religious people treat sex as if it were something dirty. I grew up under that kind of thinking and it’s taken me years to release that and enjoy this GIFT that God gave to a husband and wife.
As for dressing, I try to dress in such a way that will honor God and my husband. If what I’m wearing looks like I’m trolling for a new man… something’s wrong. I could go on and on, but I think I’d better get back to work!
My husband picks up on what appears to be the strangest details of interest in the various outfits I wear. If I were a single woman I would be clueless as to the finer points of what he feels are temptation for the other men that might see me. The point here is that men looking at women is the primary issue, and short of cloaking yourself in garb the same color as the wallpaper (so you can blend in like the bathroom scene in “The Garden State”). There is just about nothing you can do to stop men from behaving like men. So don’t try to get to the imaginary line in the sand. (You’ll be marching around in a burka, and that still won’t be enough)
What you should do is respect yourself. If you are dressing for to gain attention, respect or favor from men – you are headed down a slippery slope. The attention you will garner won’t translate to respect. Yes– Men are often attracted to “cute girls” My husband often recalls fondly how attracted he was to me when we first met. Want to know what I was wearing: jeans and my favorite t-shirt with a nordic fleece.
Lastly though (so I make myself clear), Respecting yourself – doesn’t mean moo moos and turtlenecks either. The goal isn’t to look out of date and ugly – just not provocative.
To the men- when you complain about women dressing in tempting ways, part of me “feels your pain”, but the other part of me feels like you are just making excuses. I would not eschew blame if I a guy took advantage of a girl just because she wasn’t dressed “right”…. especially since I know how little it takes to be “out of bounds” and how imperceptible to women it often is.
i took the survey and yeah, i think a lot of women (knowingly or unknowingly) leave little to the imagination to those around them. we need to be proactive in protecting the men (and even women) around us. this world is full of sex on billboards, magazines and storefronts. we don’t need to add to do that, especially as Christian women.
I’m really surprised the hubbies let their wife dress like that…cleavage, everything showing; including tatoos as the small t-strap blouse type gets smaller. Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned but what about the granddaughters or daughters that see the dress like that and anything goes with them and it’s chaos at their home because the hubby feels in the middle so he doesn’t say anything. And now they say it’s even okay for the bra straps to be showing…..hello!!!! where does it end???? I love your survey, Anne. You think of everything — either that or you are a perfect mind reader — what is THE topic of conversation in the church!
My wife and I were walking from the parking lot into church and both noticed this woman in front of us. She was wearing a tight, short skirt, with a tight tank top and high heels. In other words her clothing left little to the imagination.
We both commented on how she must be new to church and it was actually kind of sweet that she (a woman that dressed this way) felt comfortable coming to church….and she didn’t think to do otherwise. As we got closer to her she turned around and greeted us…she was the pastor’s wife. We were floored…she honestly looked like she was going to a club and I saw more of her that day than I ever wanted to. I don’t think women should have to be ugly or homely but this is a little much.
I took your survey and would agree rather wholeheartedly with Saskia. I dress modestly because I believe it is truly the most flattering way to dress. Timeless and classic fashions are rarely those with the least amount of clothing.
All that being said, a previous commenter mentioned that if a man struggles with lust he will be undressing you in his head whether you know it or not and no matter what you wear. Yes, don’t go around being ridiculous. But it’s truly between Him and God, isn’t it? As a young Christian woman I cannot count the number of times I have had the message drilled home to me by the church and other believers that it is MY body and MY clothing that is the sin, not the man’s proclivity for lust. Therefore I must do all in my power to prevent my sin from corrupting him and causing him to stumble. I just think that this attitude is so wrong and harmful for our girls. Young Christian women are being harmed by thinking like this and it spills over into what others mentioned about sex (and our attitude about it).
Finally (and I apologize for the long comment), it’s a 2-way street. Modesty is NOT just a female issue. I can’t count the number of times that girls in my youth group would be called out by adults for wearing a tank top on a summer day while outside working for being “immodest”, but the guys running around shirtless were never spoken too. Men aren’t the only sexual creatures on our planet and girls struggle with lust too. Guys in tight shirts and tight pants can cause just as much “trouble” for women as low cut shirts and short skirts do for them. I’d like to see the issue approached holistically, acknowledging that it’s not just a “female problem”.
I wanted to chime in here, as a male, and as a Christian.
For me personally, I find it frustrating when I go to church and feel like I should keep my eyes on my own darn shoes the whole service. And it makes me want to tell these individuals what turmoil they are inducing on the inside of me.
That said, (pause for emphasis) it is still my choice what I look at. I still have a choice to let my eyes linger on something they shouldn’t or to not let my eyes stay. I can’t blame someone else for my decisions or actions.
Again, as Kyle said above me, modesty is relative to the cultural norm. It will shift. Modest now could be pants but 75 years ago that was crazy! And 75 years from now, I don’t have any idea.
The point, seek God and let Him tell you what you should do.
Ok, my two cents.
Just as a reference, I similarly intentioned modesty survey was done a bit ago on Alex and Brett Harris’ blog, therebelution.com. It was mostly younger people that answered the survey, but they asked a lot of specific questions that were thought up by girls, and answered by guys. Here’s the link:
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
We came across the survey after reading their book for teens: Do Hard Things.
I love a good survey, I know I’m weird, whatev! Anyway, my family friends tend to try to convince me to loosen up, so I don’t have an issue here, but it bothers me when I feel like I need to look at something on the wall when talking to a co-worker showing way too much!
have you heard of the Harris brothers and The Rebelution blog? they’ve done a crazy comprehensive survey on this before – the results are ..dazzling .. to say the least. http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/12/announcement-join-the-modesty-survey/
See, I think modesty has a lot to do with your personal attitude. Granted, I don’t think shorts or skirts so short and tight you can’t sit are appropriate, neither are tops with so much cleave I can tell what color your bra is. I couldn’t honestly answer the tube top question because I personally think they’re tacky and shouldn’t be worn by anyone, but that’s not related to modesty in any way.
Where my falling-out with some in the modesty movement is comes when we place the burden for controlling lustful thoughts solely on a woman’s dress. I think if a guy has a problem watching a woman wearing shorts, or a fitted shirt, or whatever, that is his problem. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying – I don’t think overly tight or short is appropriate. I don’t like seeing spaghetti straps or halter tops in church. That’s my personal opinion. But we are all tempted by things every day – we just have to learn to control those desires.
It’s not the fault of the nice man who runs our local doughnut shop that I could be gluttonous and eat a whole dozen doughnuts by myself. He shouldn’t close down his store, or put a fan between me and the scent of his baking because it tempts me. I know some people would say it’s a different thing, but it’s not really. Sin is sin. We don’t have to not be tempted, but we do all have personal responsibility to recognize our temptations and overcome them. Yes, consequences of giving in are different but the motivation is the same.
i’m so glad you’re talking about this!
being perceived as “sexy” to the masses isn’t a characteristic that we see countlessly noted throughout the Bible – looking at Jesus, we read Him as nothing that would nec’ily draw people to Him. we also see quite a bit of strongly worded scripture telling us to flee any kind of sexual immorality. i don’t think it’s meant to be legalistic – i think God knows the human heart, the human condition & He lays out these precepts for our best…
i’m a female & i think there comes a responsibilty to dress in a way that doesn’t try to appeal to male weaknesses. guys have their role to play, but scrictly from female point of view, i hear so many girls i mentor & talk with TRYing to look alluring. i think we need to re-conconstruct this thinking & be made aware of the massive problem we perpetuate by dressing “sexy”. there’s absolutely a place for that. if gals sought the security of Jesus & were defined by Him as their enough, i don’t think they would be seeking the attention that dressing like that comes with from their male counterparts.