You must decide for yourself to whom and when you give access to your interior life. For years, you have permitted others to walk in and out of your life according to their needs and desires. Thus you were no longer master in your own house, and you felt increasingly used. So, too, you quickly became tired, irritated, angry and resentful.
Think of a medieval castle surrounded by a moat. The drawbridge is the only access to the interior of the castle. The lord of the castle must have the power to decide when to draw the bridge and when to let it down. Without such power, he can become the victim of enemies, strangers, and wanderers. He will never feel at peace in his own castle.
It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone, or with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property where anyone can walk in and out at will. You might think you are being generous to anyone who wants to enter or leave, but you will soon find yourself losing your soul.
When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart and find yourself able to share that joy and peace with others.
-Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love
At first when I read this, I couldn’t decide if I was convicted or turned off.
“But I want my life to be open to everyone.”
Alas, as I thought about it more, I realize he didn’t say “never lower the drawbridge and stay safely inside your castle.” Instead, Nouwen enforces the importance of emotional boundaries. Boundaries which need to be in tact to make you strong so you can accomplish your unique, global purpose. Jesus did it in Luke 4.
I think if we look at his context, maybe we can feel a bit more free to occasionally retreat and replenish.
How do you do at controlling the drawbridge? Do you agree or disagree with what Nouwen is saying?
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Comments
31 responses to “The Drawbridge”
Boundaries are ours to create. Without them, our lives become out of control, crazy, chaotic. We react instead of respond. We’re ugly and demanding. We’re exhausted and useless.
We must have solitude to tend to our souls, to nourish ourselves, to re-connect to those closest to us.
As we fill our wells with these times of stillness, we have something to offer others – and we honor God because we’ve given the Spirit time to grow His fruit in us … love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control … (Galatians 5).
Without boundaries, the well is empty except for the dregs at the bottom …
Disconnecting from technology is where I start. It flows from there …
Linda Stoll?s last blog post..Stressed? 3 Questions …
Totally agree. Retreat, replenish, refresh – all vital to be able to carry out our assignments. Provided we do that by spending the time with God and not something else (of course).
Am I good at it? Not as good as I could be. But since my natural tendency would be to stay in permanent retreat, I’m focusing on letting God change me by being more open more often. Less closed, more transparent…but still armed and ready to raise the drawbridge. On guard, but open. It’s not easy. Thank God He doesn’t expect me to do it alone.
Anne: I think a lot of the access to the castle depends on the personality of the person. I am very outgoing Sanguine so I have tended in the past to allow my drawbridge to be down-sometimes way too much and indiscriminately. I know of others who keep that bridge closed at tight as a drum. There has to be a balance perhaps? I need to be more careful about lowering my drawbridge while others need to be more willing to lower it some. Am I off base? BTW: I like his quote. And I appreciate this post.
bill (cycleguy)?s last blog post..Plateaus in Cycling (and life)
hmmm…i certainly agree with establishing appropriate boundaries; just not sure i align with the drawbridge analogy. a drawbridge (generally) is either up or down – someone is either allowed access or not. there is not an in-between. i guess an additional analogy that speaks to how you steward people once they are in the castle would resonate more strongly with me.
certainly there are people to whom we should not allow access to our life in any way. but, i suspect it is the case for most of us that the majority of folks we encounter in any significant way should be given some measure (if even small initially) to our “castle”.
a follow-on question: what are the sentries we have posted in our “castle” to keep it safe and healthy?
I agree 100%. My wife and I are both in ministry and sometimes we find as we lower the drawbridge, so many people walk on it it’s too heavy to lift the door back up.
We had one young lady who was calling and visiting and crashing on our couch daily, always with a sad story and with no respect for others boundaries. We finally had to say she could not stay and it was a couple weeks before we heard from her again.
However we were able to refresh in the Lord and rest in our downtime which was something we were missing and noticing.
Rick Apperson?s last blog post..Can I Get A Discount With That?
Couldn’t agree more with Nouwen! Just confirms again why I like that guy.
As an author myself, I get lots of terrific email from a lot of great people out there. But there’s a dark side to being visible to the public, too.
Just this morning this person who doesn’t know me sent me an email that presumed to advise me on the condition of my heart. I read the few few lines, but when I saw where it was headed, I just deleted it without reading the rest.
There was a time I would feel obligated to read any email that anyone sent me, no matter how presumptuous or inappropriate it was. Now I know that it’s okay (read that: imperative!) for me to guard my heart and not allow “entry” to everyone who thinks they have something to say to me. I can’t afford to expend the emotional energy it requires to “take the bullet” just ’cause someone feels like taking a shot. I’ve got an inner circle of terrific, wise men & women of God in my life who love me well and speak truth to me regularly. I’ve come to realize that it’s actually poor stewardship of my heart and energy to leave the drawbridge open for every person who thinks they have the right to come in to my castle and critique the place. Proverbs 4:23 is definitely worth heeding.
I think the more public the life and work, and the more our work/ministry delves into the lives of others, the more crucial it is to be discerning about WHO to let in, WHEN to let them in, and HOW FAR to let them in. I think Nouwen’s imagery is too dichotomous. It’s not either-or, in-or-out. It’s how far. Picture a drawbridge, followed by a series of doors, each allowing someone closer and closer, for longer and longer periods of time.
One more thing, for what it’s worth. I think most of us in ministry are too Sensitive, Tired, Understanding, Pressured, Interested, and Devoted to people (S.T.U.P.I.D. for short) to discern these things well. That’s why it’s helpful to have some wise counsel, gate keepers (spouses and assistants, etc.), and true friends – people who love us but aren’t impressed by us – who can speak some balance into our lives in this area.
Andy Wood?s last blog post..I Was Wr-r-r-r – Uh, Sorry
Last week, I was asked by some close friends why they’ve never been to my condo. I am a pretty outgoing, gregarious, happy-go-lucky personality in public. I am the storyteller and often the “life of the party” personality; which I think must be confusing to people, because while I am very open in a lot of ways I am also very private with my interior – i.e. thoughts, convictions, home, alone time, etc.
I like the drawbridge idea but agree that is seems a bit absolute. If these had not been close friends that I already trust a great deal, they would be strongly encouraged to leave via tar or arrow. (using the castle metaphor) Being these were good and trusted friends though, I’ve listened and am still trying to determine what my response should be.
As a Southerner, my automatic response to this is Hospitality = Open.
I stink at Hospitality and actually have anxiety over it, to the point where I really don’t like having people in my home.
So I am thinking I might need to think of this on a broader context to determine if I am open to the right levels.
Curious to hear what others think …
Tough one for me.
Great post!!
Another Nouwen quote! Thanks so much for sharing him with us, I have went and got one of his books the other day and thoroughly enjoyed it.
As far as the drawbridge of my own life. I have to admit that John’s remarks were intelligent and well thought… perhaps it isn’t necessarily just up or just down… but…
I certainly agree that we need moments of retreat. A few months ago I really began to tap into the gift of sabbath beyond just a ritual day and have found myself energized for all of life.
As far as relationships/friendships and so on, I think I do a poor job at managing the drawbridge… not in that I leave it down.. but rather that I leave it up. Afraid to let anyone in, keeping friends at a safe and manageable difference. I think sometimes I need a little bit of a crazy drawbridge keeper to make my life a little more interesting.
Chris Hadsell?s last blog post..Spiritual Leadership
My wife and I have been talking about this alot lately.
I agree with the concept of boundaries…but I disagree with the black/white absolute nature of the term, and the “risk” assigned to them.
There is not one boundary, there are many. A castle contains many areas, rooms, and architectures. There are different kinds of relationships, and no…people can’t just bounce around all willy nilly.
But I’ve found that a strong faith in Christ allows us to be very open and honest without fear. When we worship the boundaries and the relationships, it’s not right and it sets us up the bomb.
Faith allows us to maintain proper boundaries and put their importance in perspective. It gives us a healthy attitude about ourselves and just how short our time here is.
Mike?s last blog post..The whole Bible
Anne,
I read The Inner Voice of Love over a year ago and even today tweeted about the importance of saying ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ in order to have margin and boundaries in life. We cannot have it all! (But isn’t God and having His forgiveness and love, enough?) Not everyone out there, unfortunately, is for us. We have to protect ourselves and our family from some who seek to live vicariously through us. Not easy at times but essential.
A contemporary and current illustration? John and Kate Gosslin
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Jesus got away all alone to spend time with the Father. To retreat. To close the drawbridge. I absolutely believe there are times when it does need to be this black and white. Not all the time, but some times. So that when we allow our drawbridge down and the mazes of our castles open, we have more than ourselves to give and discernment to guide others through.
Just wondering what you all do to “retreat, replenish, refresh” as David posted. Even when the drawbridge is up I find it hard to unwind.
yep, agree on need for times of solitude. my thoughts were tied more to how we steward our inner life outside those times. :)
Hey Anne, not disagreeing with you…..I just think the drawbridge/boundary thing doesn’t really work as a full study.
Jesus got away to spend time alone, but it was not putting up a boundary/wall as it was creating a temporary circumstance of prayer.
(I’m looking at Mark 1, Mark 6, Mark 14, Luke 4-6)
The problem I see in the drawbridge/boundary angle is that it implies distinct isolation. And that can be a very dangerous thing. Any study of personal isolation in the Bible is some pretty harrowing reading. I’ve heard it brought up in funerals twice….both when the person took their own life.
And I do have a distinct issue with this:
“Never allow yourself to become public property where anyone can walk in and out at will.”
Did Christ himself not allow even worse than this? Granted, we ain’t Christ….but I think people “walking in and out at will” is a problem because of the the importance we *erroneously* place on ourselves and their opinion.
Our self worth should come from God, not them. They should literally be able to slap us in the face and it won’t matter. There’s just a little bit of self-puffage in that line.
Mike?s last blog post..The whole Bible
Anne, I wasn’t sure at first – the drawbridge seems, as others have said, an absolute. But I appreciated your bringing scripture into the thought, that indeed just as Christ needed and provided for times to refresh apart from others’ demands, so might we. Maybe the struggle is that inside we are struggling with our own selfishness, the understanding of how easy it is to take such a message and use it as an excuse to shut the world out and just take care of “me”. Perhaps if we keep remembering who the “Lord of our castle” really is, we can follow His leading for those needed times of drawing our bridges up. I surely am not great at always following His lead on when to say “no” or “yes”, but as a gal who appreciates a closed drawbridge once in a while, I think I could work on this some more!
As someone who has allowed herself to become “public property” that sentence made that meditation for me.
I lost my soul because I allowed the wrong things, people, or circumstances in.
I am also a big fan of isolation. :) When I do retreat. I get away for several days at the end of the year completely and utterly alone. Times like these, for the way I am wired, are necessary for me to serve in the capacity and places God has called me to serve. I do put hard walls and boundaries up at times because sometimes, it’s the only way I can quiet myself enough to listen.
But that’s just me.
Great post…so valuable for those of us trying to walk the line between ‘servant of God’ and ‘free sample’.
I think of my life like a swimming pool; some people are allowed in the deep end and some people can only sit in the chaise lounge by the side. (Of course, as life has taught me, there also has to be a no trespassing sign posted for some).
Deep-end friends are rare, but more valuable than a thousand side-liners. They are the ones who are willing to swim down to the murky depths and pull me back up to the surface. Even in my own pool I sometimes lose my way.
So I say “Go drawbridge!”. Set the boundaries, keep the boundaries and give them the respect they deserve; for ourselves and others.
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Thank you so much for sharing this, Anne. I absolutely agree with it, and have been learning more and more to be true to myself so that I may have energy and compassion to share with others.
Thank you so much for this quote and your thoughts, Anne. My husband and I have been in ministry over ten years and are now pastoring a church, so I definitely understand the need for personal space.
Each person can take this and apply it how it fits for them, but I think we all definitely have to learn to walk the balance beam between availability and personal privacy.
Great advice. I think what is also important about this is the attitude or reading behind closing the gate. I believe and am personally guilty of not allowing people in out of arrogance and pride. I’m the leader. No one really understands. I’ll just suffer through by myself. It all leads to this ugly self centered pity party. Other times I can just get lazy. I don’t want to deal with whatever I’m internalizing so rather than taking it to God or talking with someone else I just push further down.
Great way to think about it, Anne. Thanks for sharing. I struggle every day with setting boundaries. I admire your ability to do so. Someday I’ll get there.
i think so much of this philosophy is based upon how we are wired and created. i would think an introvert would seek a quiet down time, maybe some isolation to recharge. an extrovert may actually let the drawbridge down to recharge their batteries and let the people in.
being true to ourselves and respecting God by accepting the way He made each of us is key to me. I’m diff than you – and praise God you are diff than me!
Very interesting and thought provoking post. Seeing as I’m not the Lord of my castle, HE has allowed for some interesting people to enter my life. I would never have let the drawbridge down for them, but HE did. I also find this drawbridge analogy too strong, too cold, too depressing. I used to live in self-protective fear and built strong walls around me. Not only did that keep others away from me very effectively, but it isolated me inside walls of my own choosing. The love of God through very patient, caring friends helped me to dismantle my tower and now I just have a fence, but with a gate in it. Much friendlier, can talk over the fence and even open the gate to warmly welcome friends and strangers in. He equips me to deal with each new circumstance. I need to be a good steward of the time given me. Sometimes what I thought was a relationship that was going to drain me, was actually very refreshing, rejuvenating and very beneficial for me in my journey of faith.
Karin?s last blog post..REAL MINISTRY
Just stumbled across your blog following a link… Thanks for this very relevant post. My wife and I have tried hard to maintain control over our drawbridge. However, we’ve found that many in the church (read church universal) are so far to the other end of the spectrum that they often see any attempt to maintain some kind of boundary as a lack of engagement, commitment or willingness to build community. It’s as if, in many peoples’ minds, there are only two possibilities: either you’re totally committed, which means you’ve taken the drawbridge down and thrown it away, or you’re not committed at all. Any attempt to sometimes look after your own or your family’s emotional needs before you look after others is seen as selfishness or lack of community spirit.
All of which to say… it takes convictions and work to maintain healthy boundaries.
Peace,
Rob
Anne,
I like the analogy. I struggle between building walls and tearing them down. I believe it is important to decide who speaks into our lives. There are lots of people who will come into our lives–but do we allow those people to speak into our lives and influence who we are or who we have become?
I will say that I am intrigued to read more from this author…. Thanks for sharing!
S.
Susie A.?s last blog post..I’m one year old….almost
I just found your blog and am enjoying it very much! I needed to hear this today. I think there is something to be said about having healthy boundaries in life. Times when we need to have the drawbridge open and times when we need to pull it up and draw close to God and be replenished to give and open again…….
Michelle?s last blog post..Parade Of Clouds
boundaries. ugh! for years i was told that i needed to have boundaries. didn’t know how to do it or maybe i didn’t want to.
working on putting them in place now in my “new life”. it’s tough but i think it’s definitely biblical. Jesus retreated to be alone – it’s alright to not be accessible to all people at all times. it’s alright to look out for yourself too.
sheryl?s last blog post..Absolutely NOT!
Awesome! I love this explaination. I am a weirdo in that sometimes I LOVE to turn off my cell phone and just be away from people for a while…it enables me to feel that I’m in control of what I’m up to, and how I’m feeling, rather than being at the mercy of anyone to call/text at any time and interrupt my personal time. It’s all about boundaries, who are you going to let have control over your time.
Even in close relationships, it’s important to create boundaries and stick to them, or else you risk losing your sense of being your own person! This happened to me when I would not stand up for who I was and instead tried to mold myself to fit someone else’s demands/expectations….when we broke up after 5 years, I wasn’t my own person anymore and I didn’t know who I was. It’s taken me a while to build up and feel confident in my own personality, but I still struggle with standing my ground and defending my opinions.