i won’t lie.
sometimes i do my best to make my thoughts pretty and selective and organized when i write for my blog. because that is what smart bloggers do, right?
lately my brain has not been organized. i have been in an ultra-processing/ultra-internalizing mindset for the last few days and, just in case you have ever had the perception that i am a smart and/or organized blogger, this post is to prove you wrong. :)
with that disclosed, i now present to you, “brain barf, edition 1” (as i am sure there will be many more of these as time passes).
on friends: i have had some of the most amazing conversations and hang time with my friends lately. they are generous and have blessed me in so many ways — some of them i’ve never even met before but in all the crazy, my friends are helping me heal, keeping me sane, and heck, even pampering me a little bit. i feel so unworthy but so lucky.
on family: right now, i’m in a weird season with some members of my family (and i know they read my blog, so…sorry). quite honestly, it sucks and it hurts but i am learning i can’t control the actions of others. nobody’s family is perfect; mine included, and this is new to me. and it’s been jacking with me. a lot.
on religion, and church, and christians: i recently had a conversation with someone who doesn’t subscribe to the christian faith. i feel like so much of the time, we are all in this little churchy bubble, and as intentional as i am to pop out of it for perspective, i realize i’m not doing a very good job at it. we aren’t doing a very good job at it.
during our conversation, my friend’s words sucked me out of the bubble with the force of a dyson and i really think my head exploded. we think we have so much figured out about life and the world around us, yet what we have actually done to shape and form the perception of those outside this jesus bubble TERRIFIES me. this conversation shook me to my core. it made me sick. it made me ashamed. it made me want to get a lobotomy and rediscover and relearn a faith i have “known” since i was in utero. i feel like i’m in the freaking matrix.
on panhandling: i live in an okay part of town, but nestled right in the middle of the hood. the last two days i have given in to panhandlers galore. seriously. i think they must have my picture somewhere because they find me everywhere and i can never say no. and i realize that it’s not always the “best” thing to do for people (ie the very drunk woman who told me she was sober tonight as i got the mail and handed her five bucks) and i can guess that my five bucks probably bought her a drink (when i really, really need one, can’t you tell?) but you know what? i can’t say no. sorry.
on keats: if you have never read the letters of john keats, you simply must.
on weather: my heart is so happy that it is autumn.
and there you have it. a fine mixture of various chunks of my brain. nothing sexy about it. just junk in my head. thank you so much for reading along.
Comments
37 responses to “brain barf, edition 1”
That was some mighty fine brain barf, IMighty fine, mighty fine. Your non-sexy brain chunks hit me where it hurt in a couple of places. And I thank you for that. Sometimes I lose perspective and it takes a little “throw up” to get me back on track. Thanks Anne!
When it comes to panhandlers and beer money just check Proverbs 31:6.
love this!
so are you going to expand on the faith bubble conversation? what did he say that shook you to the core?
that’s what my brain feels like too. I have so many thoughts / questions / concerns / ideas….. more than usual and I’m a little bogged down haha
BUT I know that something will come of this chaos someday. right.
God? please? :)
thanks everyone.
daniel, i would if i could…but i can’t. it’s just too personal, even in anonymity, for public consumption so it’s best left unsaid in this forum.
i totally understand the feeling of a thousand different things going on in the brain at one time. every day that i leave my seminary classes, i am refreshed, energized, perplexed and overwhelmed with all the honest discussion, questions, responses and challenges to thinking, life, faith, practice, mission. can you tell i have way to much on the brain just in my description of many words?…i can’t quite figure out how to put it. anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts. kept me sane.
said it before…i’ll say it again – thanks for your willingness to be vulnerable and let us into the “stuff” of your life.
i really look forward to the day joy and i get to meet you. :)
Always fun to get a look inside your head, hey, at least you have a brain! Sounds like many of us can relate to your thoughts, i know that i can.
You think you live in the hood? Try comin over to East Nashville where i live…it’s the HOOD! Fo sho.
Are you pregnant? Just kidding, kinda.. haha… It just sounds vaguely familiar to my pregnancy mind. Thanks for sharing!
Jen, uh, no. Nonononono.
Oh, I am sooo glad I found this blog! Good stuff!
So that’s my normal. What’s wrong with that Anne Jackson? Tell me!! Cuz I’m just hormonal enough to check myself in to some white jacket wearing padded room hospital.
A fellow brain barfer!
My brain tends to go into overdrive throughtout the day and especially in the wee ours of the morning like 2 to 3 in the a.m. Sometimes, I can’t keep up with them. After reading this post, I realized I am perfectly normal :)
Have a bless one…
Completely with you on the part about being freaked out over how we have presented ourselves as ambassadors to those who follow other faiths. I have been down a very hard road (i.e. something burst my bubble) and while it was one of the worst times of my life, I wouldn’t give up what I learned. If you get ready to write a book on this one, please do call me. We could do lunch. Or cupcakes. It depends on how coherent you want me to be.
Thanks. That made me feel better.
I’m a tweet-cuz that’s all I really have time for…however, every once in a while I pop over here. I am glad I did! Um, can I say that your barf is way too organized! You have headings.I love the fact that you give your lunch away- I do..but you seem sweeter about it.there are so many people out ‘there’ it makes me cry. Sometimes literally (much to my husband’s dismay).
You are SO right about the bubble as well. For those of us living on the edge of the bubble – it can be difficult. There are so many people who have been scarred by ‘christians’ (little c) that is why your transparancy is refreshing. Thank you.
That little thing called the “Christian bubble” is one of the reasons hubs and I stepped away from full-time church ministry. We moved across the country with a main goal of Getting To Know Our Neighbors–which happens to be a lot easier since we’re not On Staff at a Church.
Anne, this goes along with our email conversation we had for a brief moment yesterday, you simply amaze me with your words in your blog. It sounds like my every day world of roller coaster rides. I also experience the highs and the lows, and every hill in between. LOL. For me that is the norm.
Anne, it does me good with all the detail that I must keep up with to listen to others ramblings. Your thoughts are as common as the people you will pass today. And I too, have unsubscribed from a lot of things, but not my faith. That is the only thing that is true. Have a great autumn day. The weather is fine today :)
I pretty much live in the ultra-processing/ultra-internalizing mindset mode. It can get exhausting.
And yes…isn’t autumn wonderful? The pumpkin bread, hot apple cider, cool air and warm sweaters…and the leaves! Hands down, the best season.
Anee: Undoubtedly that is the best blog you have written! You are truly a masterpiece of describing life’s inescapables! Rock on precious one!!!
Thank you!
Ooops sorry I misspelled your name….Anne..we’re all in brainsville!!
good stuff…i especially like the response to jen!!!
most interesting piece of info was on panhandling…
you have to feel so much better after barfing…but since it was only edition 1…wow…how many editions til the dry heaves begin?
glad to know someone else thinks all over the place….
if you want to know the truth, i kind of prefer it this way… :]
Wow! Thank you for being transparent and authentic. I would love to pick your brain some day, maybe over coffee and cupcakes. You have so much to share and I respect your willingness to share so much.
Keep barfing Anne! Barfing together is really what it’s all about when we come face to face with the FACT that we haven’t got much figured out AT ALL.
Gotta have people to do this with, and you’ve certainly attracted probably one of the most real life online communities to do that with that I’ve seen.
Just wait till you see what it’s like when you’re trying to parents kids through it …. ;^)
Thanks for barfing!
I’m glad people are positively talking about these issues….I mean, it’s great to be extreme and do things outside of what the church views as necessary or even taboo topics, but on the other hand, Jesus didn’t walk around making radical statements the ENTIRE time.
Most of his time he spent in community with people, loving people. I heard a great statement the other day by a pastor friend of mine. He said, “Don’t fall in love with social justice or radical conversations about changes, fall in love with Jesus” and he will direct your motives, your thoughts, your actions. It should come “supernaturally easy”. Isn’t that an oxymoron, something supernatural would be out of the ordinary, which wouldn’t necessarily be deemed as “easy?”
But no, I think it works perfectly together by this very statement:
It strikes me how much “God is love,” and when we love what we’re doing and when we get other people to love it, there’s truth in it.. …”What I love about the Gospel is all this external behavioral stuff that too often people confuse as central to our faith, is just an element of it. What really matters is the outpouring of love and the reflection of love.”
Whewy! That’s heavy! :)
Anne-I just wanted you to know as I’ve been struggling along lately God pointed me in your direction. Your words have brought comfort out of a stressful, painful situation. I can tell you are years younger than me, probably closer to my oldest daughter’s age-but your words have impacted me strongly. Continue to live your life “loving people” just as God intends us to, that shines through your blog posts. Thanks for sharing your life in a way that makes me have hope for a community of believers that truly live the words “love one another”.
Jeez, several others have asked already… but I wish there was something you could share about what
“this conversation shook me to my core. it made me sick. it made me ashamed.”
is all about. I just have a feeling us bubble people have a lot of learning to do. In the words of a “brother from another mother” I really do believe that “Jesus wants to save Christians…”
I personally find brain barf (random musings, etc whatever you call it), mostly interesting. Kinda like headlines. You’ll get to know multiple issues in one posts…anything from weather, panhandling, cupcakes, and maybe even udders).
If you have to give to the Panhandlers then stuff some ONE DOLLAR bills into your pockets. Don’t had out the FIVE & higher bills. Or just give them some change…or carry an extra hamburger in your bag and give them that. Or give to the local shelter who feeds them. You REALLY aren’t doing them any favors….but once you (I) make eye contact it’s all over.
It is always so encouraging to find others who you feel connected to in some way. Creative types often are mistaken for unorganized and certainly out of the box thinkers. My head is often too full to know where to begin. I guess it is both a blessing and a curse. Thanks for sharing! Lori
http://www.loribiddle.com
Anne—you know i have to say something about panhandling! I’m going to teach you how to be a caseworker in this brief post. In my brief two years plus of being a case worker that has worked with homeless, mentally ill, out of jail, etc. people i have learned a couple of things, but the one thing that I have learned that i have come to stick by is the old saying of “give a man a fish and he will eat for one day, but teach him how to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life.” I don’t know exactly where you live, but given the description of where you live this place is probably close to you….Nashville Rescue Mission 615-255-2475, [email protected]. The men’s campus is at 639 Lafaytte st and the womens campus is at 1716 Rosa L. Parks Blvd. And if anyone in your area wants to volunteer the number to call is 615-312-1544. More then fifty percent of people that are homeless have a mental illness of some sort and do not receive the help that they need. It has been my experience that if they are directed to places like this (I looked at the website and it looks like a good organization!) then they will eventually be directed to the other people that can help them with medical, housing, etc. If more people are directed to these organizations then they will continue to receive the funding they get from the government and other funding sorces, which will in turn help to better the lives of the people that ask you for money by helping them to become productive members of society and hopefully get them off the streets permanently. I know it’s hard to say no and I’m not trying to tell you to just blow them off, but instead of giving the drunk woman that claims that she is sober five bucks give her information as to where she can go to change her situation and work on her sobriety and hopefully change her life! you’re doing a great job with everything!!! :)
yeah, I want out of the bubble too. I so get that.