I never thought there was much difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. In my heart, it all kind of meant the same thing – letting go of pain that someone had inflicted on me. Usually this involved some type of “making up” process involving apologies, sometimes tears, and a hug to make everything alright.
Twelve years ago, somebody hurt me in a very painful, inexcusable way. For years, I didn’t allow myself to work through the pain as I needed to. About a year ago, circumstances (which were mostly out of my control took the wheel) caused me to stare at this wound square in the face.
As strange as it sounds, I’ve never doubted that I had forgiven this person. I feel fortunate that, for the most part, forgiveness comes easy to me. There are probably only two situations in my life where I know I still need to work on forgiving someone, but this particular hurt isn’t one of them.
However, as I was processing through healing during this time, I began questioning if i really had forgiven this person. Sure, the scabs had been peeled off and the wounds were fresh – and it hurt…badly, all over again.
Something just wasn’t sitting right.
Someone who was helping me through this sent me an email. He said that what I was experiencing wasn’t me being bitter or holding on (which was what I was afraid of) but that I was desiring reconciliation.
I wanted for this person to own up to the mistake and for everything – painful as it would be – to be okay again.
I wanted for the relationship to be harmonized and restored completely.
Later, I read this in a book:
Joseph was reconciled with his brothers when they came to Egypt in search of grain. By the time his brothers reached Egypt, he was able to stand before them and confront them because he had no inner feelings that would keep him from having a relationship of unity and peace with them.
Forgiveness is unilateral. You can forgive even if [someone] never admits [their wrong doing], is never sorry, and never changes. But reconciliation requires both people’s commitment to recovery, honesty, repentance, forgiveness, and communication. Even then, reconciliation is a long and difficult process of breaking down barriers and building trust.
You may not ever be reconciled with a person that hurt you (or that you hurt). That part takes both people to work through.
Forgiveness is a necessary, but not a sufficient condition for reconciliation.
However, forgiveness is a decision that you make, and continue to make, regardless of the other person’s choice. And through the cross and grace and love, you can.
Comments
34 responses to “Reconciliation vs. Forgiveness”
It also helps to remember that we need forgiveness, too. I think sometimes “good” people think that their sins are not as bad as the adulterer, murderer, molester or thief.
They are.
God hates gossip, rudeness, complaining and plenty of other things that we may shrug off because “everyone does it.”
Good thoughts, Anne.
So are you writing my life? Been there in so many ways! Forgiveness IS such a process and a choice! I will never say that what happened to me in my past is “ok” but I choose to let go of the hold that it has had on my life and PRESS ON !
Thans for your openness and sharing today…
I agree with Jenn…just continue pressing on…God is with you, will guide you, and will ultimately show you His will through this…
Thanks for delineating between those two things. I think I just grew a little.
peace|dewde
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Thanks for your honesty and a much needed reminder. Sometimes we long for reconciliation but all we can actually do is forgive. The burden is still lifted but I still long for reconciliation.
I also struggle when I’ve done the other person wrong and can’t get forgiven much less reconciled.
Anne, our Pastor Pete’s have recently gotten to know each other. My Pastor Pete asked me to start following your blog and to contact you for networking and meeting other women in similar ministry positions. I had planned on calling you later in the week, but after reading your blog I had to comment. Great post! Like you many years ago I also was hurt in a painful an inexcusable way and like you it took many years to work through the pain. Many people never get to experience both, but it is a beautiful thing when God helps you work through forgiveness and God allows reconciliation. Thank you for sharing. I am learning as I peel away the bandaids that I have used for so many years to cover up my wounds, that there are so many women out there who deal with these same issues. I look forward to talking ministry stuff with you. God Bless! Rhonda
Thanks for a wonderful, very open post, Anne. I’m going to print it out and read it several times this week. A lot to think about and work with.
This is a powerful reminder (what book did you quote?). I have been struggling through this idea of reconciliation in the context of ethnic and racial reconciliation. I think I’m getting a clearer picture of what that looks like. But I’d love to hear what others might have to say about this concept of reconciliation in context of racial reconciliation.
to walk in un-forgiveness is like walking dead!
good stuff anne!
I think it’s important to realize that we can only control our part of it – the forgiveness, asking for forgiveness and willingness to reconcile. Much of it may be out of our hands and may take TIME and the work of God. It is hard to live with unresolved relationship issues. Ask me how I know.
Another thing I’m learning is that in order to forgive we don’t have to talk it all out, or have them acknowledge anything, etc. The choice to forgive is ours alone. Forgiveness is between us and God. That is the work of God in OUR heart, not being dependant on someone else to do something that we deem as making them “worthy” for us to grant forgiveness. (such as acknowledging their wrong, apologizing, etc.) When we wait for that to happen our forgiveness has become conditional. This is the hardest lesson I’ve learned in a while. I must forgive whether or not we ever sit down and make clear what they did to me. God has shown me that I must put aside my needs in order to obey Him and be forgiving. I must choose to “move on”.
I struggle so much though with the break in the relationship. I grieve and I hurt and I miss how it used to be! I feel your pain Anne.
Wow, I had never thought of it that way. Explains a lot. Thanks for sharing that!
thanks for this post Ann! Much needed in my life !
Fabulous post, Anne! Thank you!
wow this is very deep I have to process that in my mind today great stuff Anne. Hey on a more “shallow” but equally important level, can you share with me the cornflake / slimfast diet?
wow. i really needed this today. have to attend an event where I will encounter quite a few people that forgiveness and reconcilation has been a tough issue for me.
Thank you for the mention of reconciliation. That’s a really good thing to understand. I appreciate that. I also feel that when someone has wronged me, I don’t have control over how they treated me, but I do have responsibility about how I react. We need to give God any resentment, bitterness or anger that is down inside us, in addition to forgiving them. That was the part I was missing for so long. I think it’s also good to thank God for what happened, because He’s using it for good in your life. Finally, after these things had happened (over and over again) God just simply reached down and healed me one day. I didn’t do anything to cause it; had no part in the healing — it was just something God did in His time and His way. That’s an important thing to keep in mind too — that really, God is the only one that can heal us of the hurt feelings ultimately. It’s all about Him, not about us.
So do you HAVE to reconcile? Because there’s someone who used to be in my life that I have forgiven, but, quite frankly, with whom I have no desire whatsoever to reconcile.
Amen!
Mmmm… This is a topic very close to my thoughts this week. Thanks so much for sharing!
Last year members of my family hurt me so badly I felt I could not recover. The only way to move past the devastating events was to forgive. I don’t know if reconciliation will ever be possible, but that’s OK. God’s grace has allowed me to move on with my life and His love is enough.
Those are some great thoughts about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. From my experiences I can see how this is true. Thanks for sharing. I’m definitely going to think about this in the future when there are times of forgiveness and reconciliation in my life.
To quote someone: to forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you. The failure to forgive makes you that person’s slave. I agree with you on this post Anne. To forgive does not mean reconciliation.
Thank you . . . I knew that forgiving was a one way street . . . but you put things into great perspective. Great post!
My Mom taught me this years back that we always needed to forgive, but that it wasn’t necessary (sometimes not at all necessary) to reconcile with that person. I believe that we are to forgive because it allows us as an individual to grow in ourselves and let go of the burden, the pain, the security of being angry and always having an excuse.
I had an incident that hurt me very badly years back and for 2 years I didn’t forgive, I couldn’t. But, as God led me through the grieving process I slowly started to feel the chains of that anger lift as I learned to forgive. It’s an amazing moment when you know you have forgiven because you aren’t angry anymore, you aren’t easily offend by that situation anymore and it allows you to be able to minister in a totally different way than back when you hadn’t forgiven. I believe sometimes we have to let people in our lives go in order to be able to give what we are created to give to others.
Thanks for this nice reminder!!
i never thought of the clarification between forgiveness and reconciliation. i always thought them to be inseparable..i.e. if you forgive someone then you have to let them in your life or you haven’t really forgiven them. sadly i think that i learned that in church.
i’m struggling with forgiving someone…i want to…but everytime they come to mind i feel hurt all over again and i want them to hurt like i do. i know one day God will bring me through this and i’ll reach the other side…it helps to know that it would be okay to forgive them and not be expected to let them back in my life to hurt me again.
thanks for your insights annegirl!
This really hits me. Thanks for sharing. What hurts sometimes is the missed opportunity–people die or are unreachable or unwilling. Sometimes I have to forgive myself that I cannot reconcile because its not possible any longer.
Yes forgiveness is a must but there are some people i don’t want to be reconciled to because they will not or have not changed. We have to forgive but we don’t have to have a relationship with them.
I just forwarded this to a friend who is hurting. God is so good to minister through the grapevine of the blogosphere like that.
Just visited your church this weekend and really liked how Pete distinguished these two, as well. Very interesting!
Wow. Good stuff. Thanks for sharing.
It’s messy even trying to figure out the forgiveness part sometimes. The part that makes it difficult for me is when the other person has no desire – or least doesn’t seem to – to reconcile. There are relationships where I think I’ve forgiven, but feel hurt because the other party just doesn’t seem to care.
A school teacher seduced and slept with my teenage son. I choose to forgive in obedience to God and pray for this person daily. However, I have not felt God would have me sit down and talk with her and reconcile. I feel that forgiveness and reconciliation are 2 seperate things, and a parent who sits down and reconciles with the person who molested their child wrongs their child.
Wow. I am the victim of a youth pastor who took sexual advantage of me. I am so sorry and admire your courage o heart for forgiving this woman.