it may sound like it from what i’ve written before, but i’m really not about trying to pass the buck. i realize leaders have a responsibility to find accountability and talk about their issues.
but what is it that makes leaders feel unsafe to share sin in the church world?
why did hundreds of pastors and church leaders who took my mad church disease survey last year say that they were afraid of accountability, or that they have it but they lie in that relationship?
what can we do to make people feel less judged and more loved when they confess?
that fear holds so many people back methinks.
Comments
38 responses to “when leaders don’t confess”
I think sometimes security has much to do about it. Fear of being slammed.. (Take the current situation with Mike G as an example). I have read of some extensions of grace but also some harsh words. Fear of being black-balled. Pride enters in also. Many pastors want people to think they have it all together instead of being a fellow struggler.
Bill, I think you have hit it. Fear can be paralyzing and those of us that serve are not exempt from this. I would say that fear of “what people will think, or say” was, and still is a lot of the time, the biggest reason why I don’t have a regular man that I can talk to.
thanks
My best friends father was a minister. He kiled himselft shortly after we graduated from college.
He was bipolar and had a couple other mental issues, and none of us knew. He hid it very well from everyone (although his family kind of knew). He was afraid that if people found out he was being treated he’d be kicked out of the ministry.
Prideful? Selfish? Yes.
But the guy was right. The church would very likely have fulfilled his fears had he tried to get help.
So he drove to a hotel room and shot himself.
In the spirit of buck-passing, it’s up to the leader to begin by confessing the small things. When I tell my accountability buddy that I had a fleeting thought about lying and she encourages me by helping me see what I can do next time to keep it from happening, we build a base of trust and stewardship of the small things (her good stewardship of my “small” sins). This keeps me from later having to muster up the courage to tell her that I’ve been embezzling funds from my company for six years, because I won’t get there if we’ve build the precedent of confessing the little sins along the way that might lead up to that. [I’m not embezzling, by the way, if you’re reading this and you’re, say, my boss.]
In a previous job, I worked with several prominent ministries across the country.
One of them (which shall remain nameless) was led by a husband and wife team. They were pictured together in all the marketing and media – smiling and hugging, the perfect family image, the whole deal. I knew from working closely with them that the marriage was not going well. They kept separate homes, didn’t travel together, etc.
They didn’t even talk. If I needed a decision that required input from both of them, I’d have to call them separately – the wife would tell me to call the husband and see what he thought, and vice versa. But onstage and in the marketing materials… happy couple.
Back to the question re: why leaders don’t confess… well…
10’s of thousands of people looked to them for spiritual guidance. Hundreds of staff members (and, correspondingly, families) earned a living based on the revenue the church generated, which was based on the false image of the happy couple.
This is just my guess… but, if I were in their shoes, I would’ve felt a ton of pressure to keep up the image. So many people counting on them – not just for guidance, but for a paycheck. I can’t imagine the pressure on their backs.
They eventually divorced, and the ministry has diminished greatly.
Fear is a good one. Afraid of being judged and loosing your job. Being judged by someone that probably has or had a great deal of sin in their lives and being told by that person that you are not effective because of it, you can’t be a good leader, and that you should quit because you are going to give the rest of the sinners a bad name…
“why did hundreds of pastors and church leaders who took my mad church disease survey last year say that they were afraid of accountability, or that they have it but they lie in that relationship?”
i think they fear the same thing we all do – judgement instead of grace. why would a pastor, leader, rock star be any different? we lie at an early age because we fear punishment: “did you hit your sister?” answer = ‘NO!!”
sin results in punishment, that’s the way the Kingdom is set up. sin also results in grace, after confession and forgiveness, that’s the way the Kingdom is organized. it’s no different cor the churchy people than the kid in school – you screw up, you get punished. that scares people ‘casue punishment hurts, even if the punishment is solely internal – or should tha be souly internal?
i didn’t write the rules and don’t necessarily like them, but a smarter Guy did – so i guess i’ll just have to accept it and move on.
“But the guy was right. The church would very likely have fulfilled his fears had he tried to get help.
So he drove to a hotel room and shot himself.”
!!!!!!!don’t read further if you are easily offended or like to put words in my mouth or want to accuse me of being not a good Chrtistian becasue i have an opinion that may not line up with the soclal masses:!!!!!!!
this is going to sound SO terrible but i promise there is no happiness in this tragedy, nor am I making light (being very clear on my intent so i don’t get more blog demerits for being pasionate)—–
this soul decided to take his own life becasue he knew the church would shoot him if he didn’t do it himself.
I think a unstated component of this discussion has to be the “corporatizing” of the church. We are FAR from the much more organic model of the church we see in the Bible (see the distribution of the gifts Romans 12; 1 Corinthians 13). The pastors or administrators in most churches today see themselves more as a CEO than simply a part of the Body . In the current obsession with leadership and strategy we have lost the truth that we are not to be led by men but the Holy Spirit. When this happens the pastors and administrators are placed with a burden of being the surragate of the Holy Spirit of sorts. We don’t expect them to fail, they cover-up. Unrealistic expectations + misplaced trust = toxic.
I completely agree with Beth. It’s the little things that make the big difference. It’s the same in a marriage. If Rob and I started keeping “little secrets” from eachother, then they get bigger and bigger, than they are too big to cover them up anymore.
But, your question goes to the person who has gone way beyond that point. You’re right. It’s fear of being “stoned” by those around you. Public flogging, dragging your family through it all…ugh.
Hey Anne…I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to offer an explanation. I totally understand where you’re coming from. There IS a fine between leaders setting an example and “carrying the torch”…and then when they fall…everyone slams them. I’ve slammed plenty of them. HOWEVER, I, like you, know how intense the battle is and how much it is increasing everyday…and all of us are just one step away from falling…one poor decision at a time. I, too, am growing weary of the judging – probably because I see my own sin nature and susceptibility so often these days – and am becoming more compassionate for other believers as each day passes. So, don’t feel like you’re “passing the buck.” Do what God’s called you to do situation by situation….and if that’s love…LOVE ON, SISTER!
I would agree that perhaps the motivation might be fear. I would also agree that this fear is of many different things – losing their job and source of income, losing the love and admiration of friends, family, congregation, disappointing people, embarassment, etc. I also think there are very few people in minister’s lives that simply see them as people. Before I have an accountability relationship with someone I need them to be okay with my being a woman named Jan, not just a worship pastor. I have found that this is difficult for people I attend church with.
i believe it has a lot to do with not wanting to suffer the consequences. with sin comes consequences. i honestly don’t mind the confession, i just don’t always want to pay the price of my sin.
for ministers, this likely means the loss of a job. if you couldn’t be fired for confessing a sin, then you might see more confession.
there were a lot of good (and long) comments so far which i just scanned, so forgive me if this concept has already been shared. i’m not convinced that FEAR of hurting others is really the motivation that keeps people from confessing. it’s FEAR of being found out we’re not the perfect people we were trying to portray
the biggest problem when it comes to sharing our failures= RELIGION
religion says my works will prove me worthy before God and men.
God says your works are as filthy rags or a steaming pile of poop.
religion says if you screw up, you’ll never attain salvation
God says, you’ve already screwed up. that’s why he made a way, apart from works, for salvation
religion says it’s what’s on the outside that counts. as long as you don’t let others see failure, you’ll be ok.
God says, what’s on the inside will eventually come out.
as Christians we should be completely willing to admit our mistakes. We should admit them quickly and frequently, so as to avoid them building up to these HUGE globally impacting sins.
as Christians we should receive the confessions with grace first. forgiveness second. and the appropriate discipline.
I would agree with janowen and the “many different things”. I also think the unspeakable never ending public condemnation for them and their family by the group of so calld “christians” and the community can be devistating. I have seen this happen to both leaders and church members and it is so sad.
I also think there are very few people in minister?s lives that simply see them as people – bingo on that one jan.
most of my friends in ministry would never even think of an accountability group with members of their church – that would be total suicide. the church looks at most ministers as servants, but not God’s servants. they look at them as their paid servants as in, keep my kids but don’t discipine them, , save my soul but don’t ask me to minister to anyone, marry me but don’t expect me to be faithful and not love porn, bury me but tell everyone i was a great godly man/woman – who wants to be held acountable by people like that?
i just like that you said “methinks”… reminds me of Tobias from Arrested Development. a bit off topic, but amazing just the same
b
Our leaders are so used to be judged more harshly. I understand that their level of accountability is higher to God, but, we, the congregation, act as if their sins are less redeemable than ours. Instead of restoration, we look for replacement. While it might be that a pastor/leader might need to step down for a while, it should only be for a period of restoration. Of course, their return to ministry should depend on repentence and progress in restoration. Maybe if we let go of the “Pastor on a Pedestal” mentality, more pastors would feel able to seek help through accountability.
rick warren summed it up well in a recent interview: we have a “gotcha!” mentality. we live in a GOTCHA! culture. no where is that more prevalent than in church culture. we need to let YES be YES and NO be NO. quit the spin…
I think it is because “Christians” and “Churches” are notorious for killing and eating their wounded.
My wife and I were just talking about this kind of thing last night.
I think I have been penalized in the Christian community and local church for confessing my sins and being honest about where I am spiritually over the years. When that happens people see it and they are less likely to confess their own sin.
We tend to categorize and rank sin. This sin is worse than that sin or everyone does that, it’s no big deal. I just don’t see sin that way, and maybe I’m wrong. I see sin as sin. I do not believe God has a tally sheet in heaven and keeps score ranking our (sinful or sinless) – ness. He just sees the blood of Christ and says if you are in Him then you can hang with Me.
Any one of our sins was enough to separate us from Christ. Society and consequently the church seems to see it differently. In our court system someone who steals a car is eligible to receive a longer sentence than someone who gets a speeding ticket. We have ranked their sin and think and act as if a person that does one of these things is a worse person than the other. The fact is the LAW has been broken.
Since I believe we rank sin then we as leaders are much less apt to share the very sins we need the most help in overcoming.
Not only do we rank sin but I believe we rank the amount of grace a person can receive based on their position in society and too many times in the church.
“He’s an elder, he doesn’t need to be doing that.”
“I don’t know if I would have her teaching Sunday School after all the things I have heard about her.”
You all know you have heard similar comments. While I do believe the bible teaches that those in leadership will be held to a higher standard by GOD, I also believe we in leadership are no less human and no less in need of God’s grace and mercy.
This is one the church really needs to get right. We need to allow for the confession of sin without our judgement of that sin becoming the consequences for it. Sin has it’s own consequences without us adding to them as if the person needs additional punishment from somenone that is holy like me.
We need to pray for people like the healer song guy and John Edwards instead of judge them but you know what my first thought was when I heard about both of them…..
Probably the same as yours.
I am a Youth and Worship Minister in a Southern Baptist Church. I work as a leader in two of the most difficult and judgmental ministries in a church… put that together with a denomination that’s inherently judgmental and life can truly be depressing.
I’m also Australian, so the word “judge” doesn’t come with all the baggage it seems to for the average American… (is there really a difference between holding someone accountable and judging them… !!?? Are we just playing on semantics!!??)… but let me just stress this… we are called to judege each other. It’s unbiblical to think otherwise. What’s wrong about the judging that goes on is that it is not done in love!
I’m a leader… I know my actions will be judged more so than the average church goer. I also know there are expectations for what I do. Paul makes a long lists of qualifications for a leader… the only position he makes a clear indication of expectation in the Bible. To be a Christian you need to just believe… to be a leader, you need to be qualified and understanding of the position you are in, along with the education and expectation that comes with it.
I understand being fearful of being held accountable. There are some things we need to understand that the church seems to not get… there’s a big difference between falling & failing… like there’s a big difference between confession & repentance. And that’s where the problem lies.
I can’t stand the fact that there are people waiting around, watching to see whether or not I’ll pick my nose…. that is judging without love. Or when I fail… get something wrong, (like I stuffed up a sermon or played my guitar in the wrong key), and they pounce on you like a rabid dog… that is judging without love. If people were more sensitive to that… show some love. Genuine, heart-felt love… we’d be more open in sharing our failings. And also, maybe, less inclined to fall.
What Mike did (the Healer song guy) was wrong and it made me mad. Mad because he didn’t need to do that… mad, because now it will make my job harder (people in general lose trust in leaders after events like this)… mad, becasue I know the people he was ministering to and how bad this will affect them… But I also know that there’s a fine line, and I could quite easily find myself in Mike’s place right now. So, do I judge him… yeah, I going to call him out on it… do I love him… yeah, absolutely, fall or no fall, he’s my brother.
I just had this conversation with a good friend at lunch yesterday. it is all about the community. as a leader on a much smaller scale, as i am not in the public eye it is even hard for me to be honest in the accountability setting in my life. I have a rough time because you really have to feel like that person is for you and they are not going to spread your junk everywhere.
I think that the authors of TrueFaced touch on this thread. The church can be a place where the consequences of being honest (even in a small) group can be huge. If I will pay the same price for letting someone know that I wrestle with a particular sin as I will for actually committing that sin in real life then I will not be honest. I’ll hide. I’ll put on my really nice looking “pastor mask”. I’ll avoid accountability. I’ll lie about how I’m doing. And I will most likely crash and burn with the real-life sin … and everyone will be so surprised.
“in an environment where sinning less is proof of godliness, almost everyone hides something.”
I think it has a lot to do with the celebritization of ministers, especially in large churches where there’s no way the leader can have a personal relationship with everyone. If you’re the person standing up on the stage, with everyone staring at you, you can get really removed from reality and start to see yourself as someone to whom the normal rules don’t apply. It happens to people in power everywhere. Fear can be multiplied a million times when you think it will lead to judgment, and to losing that status.
i think the thing that makes people feel unsafe to share and confess… is the fact that it will force them to change…. people are generally not too cool with change/confrontation/self-analysis.
I agree with much of what has already been said…fear is certainly a big honesty inhibitor for pastors and leaders. More specifically, it seems that there is a sort of imagined double standard where those of us in leadership positions subconsciously do not believe that the grace we preach week in and week out is truly available to us, either from God or from our congregations.
Furthermore, it seems to me that if we’re not careful, spiritual leadership can hijack our approach to relationships. I once had a seminary professor say that all pastors should regularly see a shrink just so that they can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t see them as a spiritual leader (I’ve substituted an old friend who doesn’t go to my church). This gets back to the imagined double standard.
I wonder if also we need to focus more on biblical confession in our churches. Confession is so radically counterculture in our pass-the-buck world that we cannot assume that everyone who walks through our doors will understand concepts like confession, repentance, grace, redemption, etc.
Tony said it best: “””This soul decided to take his own life becasue he knew the church would shoot him if he didn?t do it himself.”””
The accountant who gets divorced is still an accountant. The carpenter who stumbles finds grace at his church. the ordained/paid minister who does either is no longer ordained nor paid. Will he find grace?
Reality for leaders in Christian circles is we don’t know who we can trust. Sounds terrible, but until you’ve been there (ask Ann’s dad) you won’t know the frustration of knowing the same grace you proclaim and extend won’t be extended to you when you need it most.
I couldn’t agree more. Lately, I’ve even felt like I can’t really be myself. Like, I have to “wear the pastor hat”, or dare I say, mask. It’s not that I’m being phony. I’m still me, but a slightly different version. I can’t just kick back and have fun. I can’t let most of my true thoughts and feelings out. Maybe that’s because, as a youth pastor, my only friends are my wife and a bunch of teenagers. Sure my wife and I are transparent with one another, but we both need other people in our lives that we can’t be honest with. We don’t have any. As a result, I’m “Pastor Elgin” 90% of the time. And I don’t like it.
I meant, CAN be honest, not can’t. lol
Unfortunately there are very real consequences for ministry leaders who are completely transparent with those outside their family. It shouldn’t be that way but it is. The solution would be for a leader to find someone they trust and pour out their heart out to them. And just as any other relationship of accountability there should be confrontation, forgiveness, rebuke, sympathy, and love all rolled together.
I have had to come back to look at this after taking my day off and going for a long bike ride. :) I was particularly impressed by what Jud said. I too think that the corporatizing fo the church has done some drastic damage to the church, especially in the view of the pastor, CEO, “head honcho” or whatever he wants to be seen as. I appreciate the fact that the church I pastor respects me and my opinions and direction/vision but also know that I am not unapproachable or infallible. (I remind them of that often enough just being myself!) We are servants of the same God they serve. The ground is level at the foot of the cross and I think we need to realize that it is level in the church also.
People are quick to judge…and slow to forgive.
I?m probably echoing a few comments already made but I think there is that false sense of perfection in the church.
Pastors and church leaders have far too long been expected to be perfect examples of a follower of Christ but that perfect example seems to take the ?man? (or women) out of a realistic context. People put way to high of expectation on the pastor or church leader. Environments get created that say ?you screw up and you are out.? ?Our pastor must be 100% on game, all the time or he’s not the man of God he should be.?
When a pastors livelihood rest of presenting that sense of perfection, they probably feel they can?t truly open up to anyone as that one person they open up to may use the truth against them down the road when/if there is a disagreement. They say the top is one of the loneliest places to be. Maybe we?ve done it (the church over time). We elevate our pastors to God like symbols and put way too much expectations on their shoulders. We say we want authenticity and openness but then spread rumors and gossip like wildfire the moment any imperfection is found. I can?t stand that. I want my pastor and church leader to know they are safe because I know that they are human just like me. They are indeed held to higher standards but that doesn?t mean they are any less prone to making a mistake. We need to create loving opportunities where trust exist but pastors also need to learn to let down their guard an not play Super Pastor (cause keeping it all in is like some serious Kryptonite).
Some of the comments are truly sad stories of how much hurt people hold inside themselves because of fear.
For myself, it is not so much fear but boundary issues…as a therapist I do very little self disclosure. When I became active in my church I held onto the same concept and shared very little about the real me.
ONLY 5 PEOPLE know the real me…none of them go to church with me me except my husband.
i have so much more to say on this topic but cannot seem to find the words…but maybe a way to explain is if you are the person that everyone calls when there is a problem, how can you also be the one the one with the problem?
Great post Anne. I think this is a difficult topic for most church leaders. They often feel like they are held up to a standard they can never achieve. The result is thousands of church leaders that are living in the dark, attempting to hide their sin.
This is a very interesting discussion and question! I have been a staff pastor for 20 years.
I remember a specific statement made by a lead pastor I used to work for. He was talking about the importance of maintaining our walk with God as we lead others. OK – no problem there. But he said plainly – if any of you guys find yourself struggling with something, just come in here and resign – we don’t need those kind of problems. Needless to say that created a great environment of trust!!!!!!! I knew from that moment that this guy was only my boss – and not my pastor! Ironically, he later seemed to be a little too attracted to my wife. Before it turned into a bigger issue – he was “promoted” in the denomination.
In related issues: I have had a small men’s accountability group for many years now – but the truth is that there are limits to what I can share in that setting. Sometimes my struggles or situations have to do with confidential elements of church leadership – and therefore I can only discuss my struggles in generalities and shades of vague. So I don’t really walk away with the specific hard accountability that others get in that group.
Many times it is about the image…we think more highly of ourselves and/or often times people think even higher. Recently, my wife and I were eating dinner with a couple who was struggling in their marriage and the wife said, “Surely, you guys do not have any problems in your marriage because you are a pastor.” Wow, what is she snorting? It is often hard to be real or open with our lives due to the fact it may tarnish the image many people have of their leaders. Excellent post! Thanx Anne!
I see this in more than just leaders…I’ve seen it in myself as well. We all need to look through the eyes of grace and love the person (not judge) and not the sin.