last night, i asked you what you’d like to hear if you were attending a breakout session or workshop about burnout.
“how do i say no?” was probably one of the most answered responses.
so…now i get to ask you, why can’t we say no? should we say no? how can we discern when to say no?
Comments
37 responses to “why can’t we say no?”
I am a conflict avoider. Saying “yes” guarantees no conflict.
my issue seems to be more of feeling guilty about saying no…that means someone else will have to add one more thing to their plate…which leads me to a whole nother soap box on top of all the empty plates out there…maybe you’re telling me they are doing something right???
We need to be quick to jump! We all want to be needed and not let others down who are depending on us. On the contrary, so many times saying yes too quickly can lead to burnout or frustration. I am trying to press pause on life for a moment and pray before I jump at major decisions….minor ones…I am still working on!
If we say no, if we aren’t in church every time the doors open, then our voices get lost in the clutter. Consequently, the leaders who manage the church do not listen to our concerns, do not rate our calling as important as theirs, and we have no influence.
I’m not sure that all church activity is ‘spiritual.’ Yet, if we want to be considered a ‘spiritual leader’ by those who manage the church, we have to be involved in more activities than not. If we want to get to lead in the areas of our passion, we have to earn our ‘spiritual leadership’ stripes in other ministries.
If you burn out, you reduce your effectiveness. If people don’t listen to you or see you as a ‘spiritual leader,’ you reduce your effectiveness.
That is why saying ‘No’ is so difficult.
I’m with jon mark. I felt guilty for saying no. I am also an approval addict, so I want you ALL to like me. I want you think I am doing a good job. I thought saying yes was the godly, servant thing to do as well.
And now for my confession. Not only did I feel guilty, I felt that if I said no, my position was in danger. I might lose my job. Sometimes I have been asked – as a staff member – to do way more than we can possibly resource with volunteers. I have had to say “stop the madness – we cannot possibly do this”. But it was scary and I knew that in saying this I could be replaced.
Sometimes saying yes is self preservation. Ugly but true.
Is it better to say no and risk appearing selfish than to continually say yes and risk becoming resentful of an organization or leader for my being stretched too thin? I think saying no is a matter of having margin and priority in my life. Everything I must say yes or no to goes through those two filters – does this maintain my margins (time, energy, integrity) and does it line up with my priorities?
Learning to say no and actually saying no has become so freeing to me. All last spring I was telling my Tuesday class that I would probably not be back in the fall. One of the individuals in that class saw me last week.. She said, “You’re still here. You haven’t moved yet. So, why aren’t you teaching the class?” I had just said “no” officially a couple of weeks ago. In my prayer life (not prayer time – huge difference) God had made it clear to me that I was not suppose to teach that class regardless of the moving situation. It was time to let someone else step up/in. Am I going to miss teaching that class? Yes. Those women? Most of them… (honest answer) But had I taught that class with having heard clearly “no” – that would have been bad for all involved. No, thank you. I’d rather look like a fool.
i think we have a fear of rejection… not of being rejected, but of rejecting someone else. i think we consider saying “no” to an invitation or request to be the same thing as saying “no” to a relationship. but it’s not the same.
i also think we can pander to people-pleasing in the name of “ministry” or “servant-hood”…. how can we say no to an opportunity to minister to someone in need?
THAT’S when my circuits short out. right there. i don’t know how to reconcile that dilemma – that pull…
Great question, and I love the comments as well
I think this is the key trap many folks in ministry fall into (including myself) — saying yes out of a since of guilt, obligation, need, not wanting to disappoint, wanting to impress, etc. Real issue is one of boundaries and valuing margin/freedom — something the Cloud and Townsend books especially helped me realize…
We need to ask WWJD? Have we ever considered that Jesus spent the first 30 years of his life in relative obscurity? What was he doing? Even during his public ministry, did he say yes to every opportunity placed before him? Did he meet every need he was aware of? Or was he so connected to his Father that he only committed himself to the things his Father called him to do?
Our “yes” needs to be a full-on, whole-hearted, committed to the end, stick with it yes. The alternative is a half-hearted, luke warm, wish I hadn’t done this, wonder if God really wants me to do this, maybe I can wriggle out of it, how can people really expect me to do this, stressing me out, burning me out, why is God such a taskmaster yes.
Is this what God expects? Does this line up with Jesus’s “yoke is easy” talk? Is God the one leading us to commit to things we’re not serious about?
My default answer now is no — until I’ve had a chance to think/pray about it and check my schedule. This may sound trite, but it’s not. Upon further prayer, counsel, reflection, I’ve come back on many occasions and said yes (byproduct is that when I say yes, people know I mean it). On many more occasions I’ve seen others step up into the role I would have filled in the past — amazing to think that God has other folks he can rely on and the whole world doesn’t depend upon me :)
Sorry to write such a long response, but this has been on my mind of late — two recent posts are here:
>What my toddler daughter taught me about saying no: http://blog.visionnavigator.com/2008/07/kinder-gentler-no.html
>Church Busyness: http://blog.visionnavigator.com/2008/07/church-busyness.html
This ties in so well to the burnout breakout session question because this is such a cause of burnout. Maybe because I’m can be agressive/arrogant, I have a little less problem saying no, and it has done wonders when on the verge of wanting to quit. Lean on Elijah, God sent him to a cave where the big stuff (earthquake, wind, fire, etc) wasn’t what he needed, just quiet with the still small voice.
No sounds so unspiritual, so unhelpful. As a pastor of a small non-mega church, I’m expected to be bouncy 24/7, always there for everyone who wants me. If you don’t plan your time for rest, it will not happen. It’s easier to attack a bigger stack on Monday if Friday was at the beach with the family. I work some 7 day, 80 hour weeks; and last Fri-Sat I was at Sea World.
The priesthood of the believer should lead us to understand none of us are indispensible. Would “no” come easier if we realized that the power is of God, not of us? And who knows what wonderful things He could work while we are out of the way.
I think it is ok to say ‘no’.
You have to think about values and direction and time.
Personally, what is important to you? Where do you want to be? Does this thing meet up with both of those things?
Mnistry-wise, same thing. Does this program meet up with your ministry’s values? Does it move the ministry in the direction God wants it to go? can you realistically sustain a committment to this? If it’s important for the growth of ministry, can you find anybody else who could commit to it if you can’t.
Depending on who you are… saying no is viewed differently. Leadership, congregation, follower, worker bee, etc. But for me, the fear is being misinterpreted?thinking that I don?t care when I really do ? I just cannot do one more thing. But then I say yes ? and do one more thing. Then I regret it.
I think I’ve always had a hard time saying no obviously for people pleasing reasons.
But underneath that, especially in ministry, I think we are often modeled that our identity is about doing and not being. Therefore, the more we do, the better Christian we are. Rather than having an identity firmly rooted in being a child of God.
This mentality just creates a crazy, vicious cycle leading to burnout I think.
I’ve always liked what Henri Nouwen reflects on in many books. But in Mark 1:9-11, he talks about how the Spirit descends from Heaven at Jesus’ baptism and He hears the Father’s voice saying, “You are my Son, whom I well pleased with.” He notes that this is before Jesus has done any public ministry. So Jesus is sent out, first knowing that His Father is well pleased with Him before He has done anything. It’s a relationship and ministry secure in an identity of being, not doing.
Long way around…I think many of us get into ministry and our identity has been formed around doing, and not in our relationship with Christ. We don’t say no, because we are never secure in just being…there always has to be more we do. In fact, it’s a very works oriented Christianity that I think most of us practice if we were honest with ourselves.
So don’t say no to more works….
And ministry is just horrible with boundaries anyways…so we never learn to say know.
rhett smith
keep your priorties in alignment w/ His will for your life. when you try to carry more than he requires of you it is easy to become discouraged and fail in what you were ultimately called in. ‘My yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ Matt 11:30
I say yes for so many reasons…I hate conflict, I feel guilty saying no, I love the perceived approval I get for being the “go-to girl.” But all of that is me-centered. It’s not about ministry or about Christ. And when I look at Him and see the amazing balance that He acheived in His ministry on earth, I feel so empowered to enforce those healthy boundaries for myself. It’s when I take my eyes off Him, that I’m in trouble…think I would’ve learned by now!
as others have mentioned above, i think guilt plays a huge part as to why leaders can’t say no. it also may have to do with the perception a leader has of themselves. if they are prone to air on the side of “people pleasing” they may be enticed to bite off more than they can chew. for fear of course, if they say “no” they will be perceived in a negative manner.
may i submit that if we as leaders had a clear and defined idea of our purpose in leadership, armed with a healthy dose of humility and servant leadership qualities, we could effectively say “no” and stay on task.
easier said than done i suppose, as those in leadership with a heart for people will always feel the tug to the cry of the human heart. it is all about balance. and as we all know balance can be hard to achieve.
Learning to say no is one of the most freeing things I’ve experienced. Richard Foster talks about saying no as a spiritual discipline. So I’d say we have trouble saying no because we’re more focused on the programs than on the point.
Since none of us has mastered that being two places at once thing, saying yes to one thing inevitably means saying no to something else–rest, family, prayer, devotion, proper diet & exercise…
Clarity in my role/purpose really helps as an objective guide to prioritizing. When I don’t have clarity (or security) anything could be the most important, the thing I should be doing.
At the organizational level a lack of clarity drags me straight into the trap of “if I don’t, who will?” When I stop to ask the clarifying questions “Should it be done?” and “Who should do this?” I find myself less prone to saying, “I’ll get right on that…”
absolutely we should say no sometimes. the people who get asked usually are capable of the task, but it doesn’t mean they are the right for the job.
i think sometimes we say yes (and not no) because of pride. inside we think we are the best choice, even if it is a chore or something we don’t want to do. we think we would do it best, so crap, i have to say yes. if someone else does it, they’ll screw it up.
i am in a year long process of slowly extracting myself from most (except for one) of my “yes’s”. its hard. people don’t understand…but i want to be open for other ministry. right now i am just a cold burnt brownie from the oven.
No. I won’t comment…
I am absolutely NOT insinuating that missions is any more or less important then any other kind of ministry…but for me when I say “no” to whomever I am [what I feel like] saying no to literally feeding starving kids and that is unacceptable to me….we really need reinforcements out here because I know if we keep working 7 days a week, we are going to break.
I once heard a “joke” from a pastor that he asks his church counselor who the people are that have guilt complexes in the church b/c he knows they’ll say “yes” if he asks them to do ministry. I think he’s got a point, even if the joke isn’t that funny… guilt often drives us to action, whether or not the action is important. Being a people pleaser drives me, as well. If it will make others happy, then I want to do it, so I can look good for others. Aarrgghh.
Having recently undergone my treatment for cancer, hubs and I backed out of life for a year and were unable to be in the church ministries we had been involved in. Now that the wheels of our life are starting to turn again, we’re wanting to jump back in to everything. But we’ve learned that true leadership means saying “no” to things, and taking into account the balance of all things in our life.
Desire/relationship… necessity… importance. These all come into play when making those decisions, and if it’s going to negatively impact the things that are most important in our life–our relationships with God, each other, our children, our friends–then we must say “no”.
We have to look good. We have to feel good.
I think sometimes we believe that busyness pleases God…I don’t think that is right.
Hearing too many, “If you love God, you’ll do ____________________!” – Well that means if I say No, I must not love God right? (Guilt and Shame from leaders)
I love this question and the answers. I think that the church teaches the immorality/aspirituality of saying no to service, AKA saying yes to boundaries. I have struggled with this for years. the greatest help in learning my own limits was A. a serious illness and B. a good friend who gave me Dr. Cloud’s book Boundaries.
I find myself apologizing to people that the church has made the dogma of servitude into a psychologically binding act. In truth, service should come from a place of balance and love. Service should be one form of showing our love to Jesus.
This is a great question….
Saying no is possible as a mature manifestation of stewardship. When we know who we are and what we’re for, then we are doing a disservice to God when we do anything else. We are also ineffective, miserable and inevitably burned out.
I think that there is a fear that if we say no, we somehow lose some of who we are. If I say “no, I can’t be at your event to run the sound and the video, and maybe sing a few songs as well”, that I am not being a good worship pastor. Also, if I had to be honest, I would say that if I say “no” then I won’t be the superman, he is so cool cause he is always there for everybody guy anymore. Sometimes not saying no is more about us then the person/people that are asking us to do something.
I don’t like to say no because I don’t want to garner someone’s disapproval; I don’t want them to think differently of me.
I realise I’m just echoing what’s already above – but here we go anyway
Saying yes helps establishing status, it makes sure that everyone knows how committed I am. Saying yes doesn’t risk people assuming I just don’t care enough. Yes also just means that I can make sure that the thing I want to see happen, happens (or more importantly, doesn’t get cancelled because I can’t be bothered).
Man – it frightens me how appearance focused I can let myself become.
I just wanted to say that this q&a really struck a chord with me; It is HARD to live in Gods will and not necessarily the will of others. It is HARD not to rest in the approval of man – (sara groves this journey is my own comes to mind)
Thanks for making me think
Do you say no to your boss in the corporate world? Not usually it seems. I wonder if part of our trouble saying no comes from that same corporate mindset because our North American churches are patterned so closely to the secular corporate world both in leadership and structures.
Man I’d like to step outside our north american bubble and see what church looks like elsewhere in the world in regards to this. For example, I’d love to sit down with an underground leader in the chinese church who farms all day and also leads a bazillion Christ followers.
It’s really got me wondering how specific ministry burnout is to the western 1st world cultural context.
Anne, what you have said about “addiction to productivity” (which is still on our staff whiteboard here, btw) has struck such a chord. Are the leaders of the underground church in China addicted to productivity? Sometimes addictions are something to fill a hole or void or something that’s missing. I see a lot of addiction to productivity around me… so what are we missing? Are we keeping busy so we don’t have to acknowledge what we’re missing and can at least feel a little validated and successful?
It all feels a little self-delusional. Like productivity and the secular/corporate definition of success and achievement is those few strands of remaining hair being desperately arranged over our obvious bald spot.
The productivity comb-over.
Looking forward to attending your session at MinistryCOM, Anne!
p.s. know anybody else in OKC with an available couch?? :)
I grew up in a family where my mother COULDN’T say “no” and I believe my family suffered because of it. She was always off helping someone else all in the name of ministry and she neglected her family (at times) in the process. Don’t get me wrong, she was and is a great mother, but there were times when it would have been more godly (in my own humble opinion) for her to meet the needs of her children and husband first instead of running herself ragged in ministry.
It’s because of this example that I learned to say no very early on. I cling to the fact the God made one seventh of our time dedicated to rest. Therefore it must be VERY important to Him. I can’t live without rest and I don’t feel guilty saying no to some things in order to spend time being rejuvinated. Obviously there is balance … but there are also times when I go for a long stretch without rest and then other times when I have more time for rest.
There’s also the fact that sometimes God tells me to step down from responsibilites. I just finished one year of teaching in my church. There is a desperate need for more teachers (always) and it is my spiritual gift, BUT the Lord was telling me that I needed to resign after one year. No explanation. So, I resigned. Only later did He show me why He had me free up that time. He has shifted my priorities and in this new season of my life I wouldn’t have been able to fulfill that commitment to teach, if in fact I hadn’t listened to Him and said no. I don’t have to feel guilty about being obedient.
Just some thoughts …
My sister’s pastor once told a woman who volunteered for something that she couldn’t do it because she was neglecting taking care of things at home (her home & kids were a mess).
Sometimes I wish my pastor would do the same thing. My husband & I nearly split up because we were terribly burned out, things were a mess at home, but we were leading a “successful” ministry in our evenings (besides working 50 hour weeks). We finally took the step, asked for time off, and worked on getting things right at home. Nothing could be “right” that we did “for God” if it meant breaking our vows & living with compromise just to “do the work”.
Our marriage has been restored & things seem to be on the right track, but we’ve taken on more ministry assignments since and despite all we’ve been thru I can see burnout ahead if we don’t start saying “no” again soon…
The fact that someone in church leadership asked me to do something made me feel significant and needed, which might have been one reason I’ve said yes instead of no in the past. I also may have thought it must be what God wants, rather than asking Him myself. It also may have been that I felt it was expected of me as a “leader,” and didn’t weigh that expectation against the true will of God….
I’ve had to learn to seek God’s approval first, which is hard as it can mean rejection from people.
At the moment I’m struggling as I have a mild brain injury and have had to pull out of everything church related, but I feel like I’ve made some progress in my life as I’m only struggling because I’m missing the connection with people. I’m not feeling one ounce bad about not serving in church as I know getting better is the most important thing.
I think if you don’t learn how to say no, God will teach you the hard way….. well that’s what happened to me anyway!
I don’t have any trouble saying no. People seem to have trouble hearing it. That’s for sure. But I don’t mind saying it.
Usually it sounds like “hey, that’s cool what you’re doing… I hope it goes well for you… just not something I can be involved in right now.”
How do I say no?
I started taking a look at what drives me to codependency, caretaking, mask-wearing about 15 years ago , first in seminary and then in marriage.
Recovering from Mr. Christian Nice Guy syndrome and legalism was big, as was going through Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Not saying No is really lying and inaunthenticity but what drove/drives me is I’m scared of being rejected or judged, or I think it will risk severing the relationship. But people don’t get the real you if you say yes to everything. You can’t be all things to all people.
Another shout out for Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries. It is so important to learn how to say ‘no’. It changed my life, because when I learned to say no easily, I was freer to do all the yes stuff I should have been doing. It also cut out a lot of stress and guilt.
I say no when what is being asked doesn’t line up with what I know I am called to do, who I am called to serve, or when it will tax me to the point that I won’t be fulfill my other commitments. The bigger no’s aren’t easy, but they are necessary.