Lunesta has become a close companion lately. I go through seasons of insomnia…usually about 3-4 months long, followed by 3-4 months of healthy, non-medically-induced sleep. Currently, I’m about halfway into one of those insomnia cycles.
I decided last night to see if, by chance, I’d be able to fall and stay asleep without the drugs. No such luck. I drifted off into a weird, lucid dream.
In my dream, I was given a choice to do something and the consequences would require me to leave ministry. I’d be disqualified completely. And I remember the battle I was waging in my head.
“If I make this decision, I’ll lose my job.”
“If I make this decision, my publisher will drop me.”
“If I make this decision, I’ll never be able to speak into the lives of leaders again.”
After I woke up following a very restless night of tossing and turning, I started thinking through what my dream-self was considering and realized something disturbing.
Not one of those thoughts I had was “If I make this decision, I’ll be disobeying God.”
Now, I realize this was just a dream and the decision I was considering in it was something that would likely never cross my path…and I realize a dream doesn’t represent my full consciousness.
But if it was a real life situation, would I have asked myself the same questions, while neglecting the most important one…How does this affect my relationship with Christ?
It’s easy for me to coast through life and walk a straight line. It’s actually pretty easy for me to be the good girl. But following rules isn’t the most important thing…that should just be an overflow of a lifestyle of obedience.
Why do you make the decisions you make? Are they out of love and obedience, or out of fear for losing your position, your marriage, your ministry?
Just something to chew on.
Comments
28 responses to “last night i had a dream…”
I think God gives us dreams as an insight to our true selves sometimes. I am with you on this one. Just the other night I had a very similar type dream.
Shows how selfish I am.
In fairness, the goals of your job, relationship with your publisher, and relationship with leadership are generally in support of your relationship with Christ. So most of the time one supports the other and vice versa.
However, think of people who have to make decisions against such things *in order* to support their relationship with Christ.
hmmmm….challenging questions.
right now it is all motivated out of losing my position and ministry. it is a bad place to be in. i am currently in the process of changing that.
I think it’s a little of both, if I’m being honest with myself. I see a lot of my decisions coming from a heart that is overflowing with adoration for my Savior. But, there are days when that is flung out the window and I’m making calls based upon what I think might happen.
I’ve found that when I do dream that there is some theme or metaphor or something that is connected.
FWIW, I’m on Lunesta also and if I don’t take it, I can’t even get to REM to dream. Apnia works against me too at night.
My obedience is brought upon by my relationship with God. I have dealt with severe panic attacks for many years and praise god, He took them away! Oh finally!!! God had used situations like that to bring me closer and closer to Him, so I guess they werent all that bad, for the right reason of course.
I obey because Gods peace in my life, Gods hand reaching down to guide me each day, are not worth sacrificing and held as a high importance to me. I mean I am NOT perfect and of course I have fallen into times of sin. Dark times. But many of those sins, still faced with the temptation today, are made a bit easier to walk away from because for the life of me, I want more of Gods peace in my life and without it I am a wreck! Knowing that I try, in His strength, to make better choices.
I think that God gives us tangible consequences sometimes so that we will see the immediate results of our sin on ourselves and others…when faced with a sin choice, the clarity of the vision of losing a job or a ministry is needed to snap us back to reality…then the Holy Spirit reminds us of the greater loss…
This blog is too convicting!
feb. 2009. los angeles, california. be there … next to me in a posh, yet respectful coffee shop. will one round of coffee be enough?
Hmmm…these are good questions. It seems like this has been a year where God has been teaching me more and more about obedience. I think that most of the time I do think about obeying God when it comes to decisions, but I don’t know if it is my first consideration, like I desire it to be. Thanks for giving me something to chew on.
Both. Most days I fear the consequences and what others will think of me.
Once in a while I put God first.
That sucks.
But it’s true.
Me
Oh. And I dream in cartoons
great stuff, anne. i am once again reminded…i am a turd.
don’t we so often elevate decisions beyond their appropriate place? God is primarily concerned about one thing – that we would know Him, be made holy as Christ is holy, and usher others to the Cross. all else is hugely secondary.
my hope – and belief – is that i increasingly decide out of obedience and love.
grace…
ok, so i guess i listed three things :)
the point was: for Christ-followers, the main deal is to be conformed to the image of Christ – be made holy.
Honestly, I always think about what others will think first. It has been my endeavor lately to make God first in EVERY area of my life.
I can’t even answer, which makes it obvious what my answer is.
My husband and I are dealing with something sort of similar with our child-rearing endeavors. We want our children to obey because they want to please God and honor their parents–and not just because of the disciplinary action they’ll face if they don’t.
hard stuff….makin’ me think, you are.
Not saying anything for certain about this…but you may have had that dream, to write what you did, so that I could read it. I totally needed that, Anne. Spot, 100% on.
I appreciate you!
Umm, I am concerned for your apparent addiction to sleeping pills. I heard that a friend of mine takes milk of magnesia before bed and sleeps really well.
I’ll pray that your addiction doesn’t turn into Chris having to hit you with a pillowcase full of soap to knock you out.
he he he
Good post Anne, I too suffer the same insomnia right now I am into a hmm 4 month bout of sleepless nights going for six though, you know I’m reaching for the sky. I’d been motivated by position for a long time and things for that matter but realized it’s all vanity, right?
Great post Anne. Have to say I made quite a few decisions myself in fear of job and ministry “security.”
Sounds kinda funny now when I think about it…”ministry security.”
Obedience to God is a much better alternative.
Dreams? You have dreams like Joseph? I am jealous. All that aside, the question is pointed, dream or not. I suspect if I am honest (and I should be) the answer is…both. I do things for ministry sometimes. But I also do things out of obedience to God and a desire to please Him sometimes. It is the latter that I want to take control of my life and to become my every breath. Does that make sense?
I spent a lot of years operating out of fear in the ministry until I went back to our family’s value system – love and obedience.
Timely advice is not merely helpful; it is beautiful. It is not merely beautiful; it is essential. Prov. 25:11–It’s as lovely as golden applies in a silver bsket! Thank you for just being YOU Anne. Your book has been so marketed to us in the ministry and we will not change our minds!!! It’s a done deal!!!
I’m with Phil. Please stay out of my mail. What a great blog but oh too convicting. So many times I am good because I am supposed to be good. If I have this attitude I am not putting God in the picture even though I am doing the right thing.
I need to rethink the way I think.
Great, more therapy. :-)
You are messing with my head Ann Jackson……
Good thought-provoker, Anne.
I had a dream a few days ago that my drummer was shooting heroin. It shocked me awake so fast that I don’t know if my first reaction is “he’s going to ruin his life and his family” or “he’s going to ruin the band”!
We strive to lean on God in every aspect of our decision making. Mostly, we succeed on the big ones. The smaller ones seem more w/in our control, I suppose. We know we should lean on Him at all times though. Putting it into action is a different story. Great thinking person’s post.
Great thought!
I forget to ask that question sometimes.
Thanks for the reminder.