what the?
yep.
as some of you know, i am buddies with the guys over at deadly viper, and they let me do some cool stuff over there…(like blog…) because as we know, the seven deadly assassins don’t just target guys.
so next week, we are having a very frank discussion about sex on the deadly viper blog.
and we want your questions.
nothing is off limits. at all. don’t believe me? read the post mike has up today.
feel free to post your questions here or if you’d rather keep it private, feel free to email me at anne {at} flowerdust {dot} net.
NOW…
i realize some people think we talk about stuff like this to the extreme level we do for sensationalism or to create a buzz or just to get comments.
please hear my heart when i say
THAT IS NOT IT AT ALL.
we realize that just because we are christians…it doesn’t mean we don’t struggle with things, or wonder things, and wonder what the bible says (or doesn’t say) about sex.
this will be uncomfortable. even when mike, jud and i were emailing today about next week, i was literally squirming in my seat too. i was uncomfortable. and chances are, if you were to ask me these questions face to face, i’d blush and stutter and sweat.
but hey, blogging just might allow us to be a little more vulnerable. to have time to process things and respond. and to ask and answer questions appropriately…just a little bit more easily, perhaps.
(also, feel free to comment anonymously).
i look forward to the conversation.
Comments
58 responses to “The Week of Hot Sex”
My wife wrote a great book for this topic called “Is That All He Thinks About”. Check it out at http://www.taviano.com/marla. Looking forward to what you all have to say.
can’t wait
I’m going to sound like like I’m in jr high, but when I read the title, then read the first couple lines as I was skimming through blogs, it sounded REALLY bad.
Apparently I need to get my head out of the gutter and read what y’all have to say next week.
Hahaha…I kinda thought that too. Changed it a bit.
So this is an area in which I really, REALLY struggle. Having made some mistakes in the high school era is definitely biting me in the backside now. I look forward to the conversation and the reminder that God’s way is best.
Here’s a couple of questions some kids in my youth group ask on a frequent basis….
What does God think/say/feel about masturbation?
How can I deal with the hormone issue when sex seems to be everywhere?
hmm interesting…ill be curious to see how this turns out.
This is so appropriate since it’s gonna be 90 degrees this weekend!!!!
Young boys masterbating, should it be taught against, encouraged, discouraged why/ what?
Oh my! BTW…I give big props to Gabe’s suggestion above! I read Marla’s book and other books and she is a FABULOUS christian author!
Anne- Thanks for praying for my brother in law! You are awesome.
Question: How can we use the Song of Solomon today to teach our kids about sex? I always giggled when I was younger and heard sermons or teaching on the topic. I remember in college at Liberty a whole sermon some passages. The whole student body at chapel was holding in the shock and laughter as it was being preached…you had to be there I guess.
Are there any biblical insites on different positions?
Also, my wife wants to know biblical references to massterbation.
For the love of God and all things holy, will someone define sex, please!!!???
i think it is safe to say that masturbation is going to be a question on a lot of people’s minds.
Should be interesting…
I also would like to know the answers to the masturbation questions. My daughter is 3 1/2 and “explores” a lot. I tell her to stop. Every friggin book out there tells me I should tell her “it’s normal”. I don’t believe it’s normal.
My husband and I have had conversations about masturbation before. I told him I think it’s a sinful act. He said it’s normal. I don’t equate what everyone was taught in health class the final word on life. I believe masturbation is a sin. Esp b/c what leads to masturbation is usu lustful thoughs, porn, self-gratification.
But what about children? My daughter has def never seen anything lustful or the other junk. What do I do about her “exploration”? She’s not climaxing b/c I don’t believe she can. But she has her hands in her pants many, many times a day.
Rambled there. Sorry.
Heidi
i’m too sexy for this blog, too sexy for this blog…………..
i want to know how many hits you get from search engines…due to the title!!!
I always find it interesting how much squirming is done over the word SEX.
@ Jarrod, the bible doesn’t say much about positions but the Karma Sutra does.
and masturbation it depends on where your mind is when…you…well. I can talk intelligently on this since I spoke to 6 million people about the subject
And who said creative, catchy titles don’t make you want to read someone’s blog? ;-)
Brad Ruggles
http://www.bradruggles.com
I’d like to hear some thoughts surround the scripture below. I believe God’s desire is completely opposite of the prostitute’s, but we still see divorce at a high rate among some so called “Christians” who aren’t in it for the long haul and get greedy.
From the facts of how those in ministry still struggle with pornography, seems to me that EVERY believer had better keep themselves in check with “wanting to take a bath and ask who is next”.
http://www.youversion.com/msg/Prov.30.20
A couple of controversial subjects that might make interesting talking points….
1. How come the Bible spends much more time addressing male homosexuality than it does female homosexuality?
2. How many Christian couples actually follow God’s call to not abstain from sex with their spouse no matter how they are feeling (in other words “I have a headache” is not an excuse every night)?
3. Will there be sex in eternity? After all eternity will just be a restoration of Eden (although new), and there was sex in Eden.
4. What is the morality of taking nude photos of your wife or videotaping lovemaking? If it is not shared with others?
5. What do you feel is the morality of sexual aides? What about costumes? Role playing?
6. Why do Christian children seem to giggle and be generally immature when it comes to talking about sex?
Just a few things that might be interesting to talk about.
Mike
I can’t imagine YOU squirming in your seat…man this is going to be good!
How about vasectomies?
@ Dave. Vasectomies are a necessity.
jarrod…romans 6:12 somewhat speaks to this. and i just think practically that we cannot pursue holiness through the commission of a sin.
i think wisdom comes into play in terms of is this a medical necessity (surgery-related) versus an urge of the flesh? are you honoring your wife, since you are one, by this act.
we can also say we’re thinking about having sex with our wife while looking at porn but it’s a lie.
god gave us marriage to make us holy…does masturbation accomplish this…i don’t think so…it’s a selfish act when done as a substitute for the marital sexual relationship.
‘sex’ in the title and majority of poster’s are men – just sayin
Yeah so…we have had many a person talk to us on the subject of having kids and tell us to our face that it is “our Christian duty” and Biblically mandated…but Daniel and I are kinda leaning towards (and praying about) whether God would have us have any kids of our own at all. We wonder if the ministry we have dedicated our lives to is what God intended for our lives instead of producing offspring. We already know that it is what God put us on this Earth to do, but do we need to have children of our own to do it?…What about all the people who stop at one or two kids? Or who choose to adopt or both or who foster…are they in sin? Are we? I know what an incredible honor it would be if God blessed us with kids of our own…but we just don’t think (at least right now) that – that is what He has for us. We totally desire God’s perfect will for our lives…and so in speaking of sex…and since having sex is the way to get kids…is having kids His will for everyone? Dang. And one more thing…why do most people try to adopt or go the foster route only after they tried to have kids of their own…Can’t it also be God’s will to adopt or foster instead of producing biological kids? Don’t get me wrong…I am all about children. Hello… that is the business we are in, but seriously. I don’t get it.
@Jarrod
When you spelled masturbation were you only using one hand?
@Michael
What happens when your wife is having her monthly visitor is it wrong to do the “selfish act” then?
@Giant
What is to keep your wife from giving you sexual pleasure when it is that time of the month? Vaginal penetration is not the only way a woman can pleasure a man.
Mike
Um, yeah…on the whole sex during “that time of the month” is the best ever (exploring other ways to play)…How fun is that? God is way cool to give us our husbands to explore and seek. Woo hoo. My husband is hot.
But Mike…I would be super careful in the way you worded that…it is also nice to return the favor. For reals, yo. But obviously I would wait a few days. Seriously.
*lol* Certainly Kristia. I just was addressing the question asked, which was “is it bad (selfish) to masturbate at that time of the month” which implies that your wife can not give you sexual pleasure during that time, and I was wondering why he thought that was.
I can assure you my wife will have no issues with my… favors. :-) But as you suggest I would wait a few days (I am a bit of a clean freak, so the very thought of… that… really grosses me out)…
Mike
@ Mike
I know she can provide pleasure when she is on her period. I was asking if you really needed a release.
@Giant
Then why not ask her to provide it?
Mike
@ Mike. Then isn’t that selfish to say “Hey I know you are bloated and don’t feel sexy at all but can you…..?”
Mike and/or anyone else that wants to chime in in reply to this : 2. How many Christian couples actually follow God’s call to not abstain from sex with their spouse no matter how they are feeling (in other words “I have a headache” is not an excuse every night)?
I forget where in Scripture this comes from – can you remind me? Also – do you really take that to mean ANYTIME a husband wants it he gets it? Is it never ok for a woman to set a boundary to take care of what she may need?
Nothing like a great Masturbation Discussion… How did we get off on this… Wait a tick, wrong use of words
@ Mike
I do ask but during her period my wife does not feel attractive and providing that service is not very appealing to her.
So I think sometimes you have to rub one off. It may be selfish but it could also be selfish to ask her to service me when that is the last thing on her mind.
Homosexuals and same sex marriage issues. Are these individuals saved by grace if they continue in these practices? This has been a very debated issue in our small group and none of us know the answer.
@Giant Idiot – you sound like a car needing an oil change :)
I have forgotten where it is as well. Too tired to look it up. Proposed to my girlfriend tonight.
As far as it being selfish to ask her? I don’t think so. In fact Sarah and I have talked about this and she would rather me ask than to do it myself because it is part of her duty as my wife. Just as there are times I don’t feel like doing things for her, but I do them anyway because it will be part of my duty as her husband.
Marriage is about sacrifice. It can’t just be two people living together saying “well I don’t feel like doing this or that” all the time.
Sometimes should you leave it in your pocket because she doesn’t feel up to it? Yes, by all means. Does she have to pleasure you if she is vomiting her guts up and running a fever? I would hope that you wouldn’t ask. Does she just have to suck it up from time to time and do something for someone else? Yes.
I don’t think it is selfish at all.
As far as what it means. It means what it says. Your body is not your own.
Mike
My husband and I are a-typical…I’m for sex any time, all the time…he’s…not so much.
We now have sex maybe 4-6 times a year [married 5+ yrs]
I’m wanting babies now, but I lie to him saying I don’t b/c I don’t want the rejection.
Am I being submissive or just plain old stupid?
Mike you mean to tell me that you have been giving all this advice on marriage and you are just now engaged?
4-6 times in a year? Hubby rejects sex? Me thinketh hubby has been taking his own walks at somebody else’s beach….
mike – wish you well weedhopper!
btw – the saying is “let’s do it” not “let’s duty it”
@mwf,lwob…i’m not going to address the question, sorry, but i would encourage you to be honest with him…if not there is going to be a very heavy load of bitterness that you will begin to bear(if you haven’t started bearing it already)…
@Giant
I don’t have to be married to know what the Bible says about Marriage.
Pastors are not righteous but they preach on righteousness all the time. They are also not God, but they preach on the nature and behavior of God.
Just like I don’t have to be a professional minister to know what the Bible says about ministry.
Luckily it is very clear on this subject among many others.
@tony
Thanks! But for the first 5 years (at least) I am sure it will not be a duty! But we have talked about what if it does become that way.
Mike
@Mike
The Bible is very clear but putting those abiding by those rules is extremely tough as you are about to find out.
@Giant
Oh, I already know how hard it is to follow God’s word. Believe me I know. I think we all do.
But in the end that doesn’t give us an excuse to be lazy or to give in and just quit trying or take the easy way out or to turn a blind eye to sin.
We must struggle.
We must hold our brothers and sisters accountable in their struggles. That is the essence of the Christian life.
But I do appreciate that it is a struggle.
Mike
PS We even struggle to abide by God’s commands in our current relationship.
Submission, duty, blah blah whatever. L-O-V-E. It’s a two-way street. It’s a verb, not a noun. It means doing stuff for her (whatever that is) when I don’t feel like it, and it means respecting her enough not to be a jerk about it when she doesn’t feel like it.
But doesn’t it also mean her doing stuff for you when she doesn’t feel like it, and respecting you enough not to be a…. Well you know, when you do feel like it?
L-O-V-E
It’s a two way street.
Mike
Mike – Whether or not she chooses to do that is beyond my control. I can only control my actions. I choose to love her regardless, and she knows that (and vice versa). Neither of us look at our relationship as a way of getting what we want.
Certainly not tony g! You should NEVER look at a relationship as a way to get something. But you have gotten away from the original issue at hand here.
The original issue was is it okay to masturbate if your wife does not feel like pleasuring you (her husband). My question was why does it being that time prevent her from providing that service to her husband, a service which I would hope she would be eager to provide?
The answer is that she doesn’t feel sexy or feel like doing it. My response was that in a relationship we often do things we don’t feel like doing or aren’t particularly interested in. It is the nature of a good relationship.
If only one person is giving and one person is sacrificing then it is not a healthy relationship.
We should always love, regardless. Our enemies, our family, our friends, believers, non-believers, everyone.
But loving them does not mean turning a blind eye to their sin (disobedience to God). I would hope that if I am not doing what I am supposed to my wife will bring it to my attention lovingly. I will also do the same for her.
I can not control her actions, I can only control mine.
I do think we are speaking at cross terms. Both parties must give in a relationship to make it successful. Sometimes when I want sex will I have to suck it up because my wife doesn’t feel like it? Sure and I will gladly do it. But will she have to suck it up sometimes and maybe try to get into something that she doesn’t really feel like it? Yes and I hope she would do it with the same love that I do. Will I love her less if she doesn’t? Nope. Will I point out to her God’s command in this area? You bet. If I am being selfish and always asking her to make sacrifices do I hope that she will point out to me what God’s word has to say about that? God I hope so.
So you see, I don’t think we are so very far apart on this issue. It just seems so because I am addressing the original issue which is only one half of the story.
Mike
In other news The Office is just. Wow. Amazing.
Mike
I work for an AIDS service organization. In my time there, I’ve learned a ton about sexually transmitted infections and other sexual stuff (TMI at times :). My question relates to prevention stuff. I used to volunteer in student ministry and recently found out that one of the kids from a small group I used to lead had a baby. A month after the baby’s birth, I can already see how this teen mom’s life is much more complex and complicated than before, how she has thrown herself into stuff she was in no way ready for. And yet, as someone who deals with HIV at work everyday, I know there’s much scarier stuff than teen pregnancy…
So I’m wondering…
1. As we talk to kids and young adults about sex, is there any place for teaching kids about safer (not as safe as abstaining but safer) sex practices? (It makes me really sad that my former student didn’t choose to wait, but really scares me to think of what else could have resulted from that choice…)
2. Sort of the flip side of that, how do we effectively help kids choose chastity in a world where it’s so opposed? How do we encourage kids to wait for marriage when they haven’t had great examples of marriage? (In 2005, almost 70% of black kids were born to unmarried moms.) What’s the most effective way to encourage kids and young adults to choose chastity as a way of life (as opposed to something you say you’ll choose just to please adults :)?
3. What about folks who are way outside the influence (at least positive influence ;) of the church? Should churches get behind condom/needle distribution, etc.?
Good one 28YOV! I had to have this talk with a small group not too long ago. I won’t share what I told them at this point. But it was a difficult decision deciding the Biblical advice.
Mike
Hi,
My wife and I waited till we were marrid before we had sex. it was a struggle but we made it. LOL.
Now that we are married – i find out shes not that interested in sex.
She thinks oral sex is gross. Just curious…How many Christian couple actualy have oral sex?
Can a husband and wife masturbate when they are apart? I counseled a couple who both masturbated before and secretly after they were married without telling the other. It never came up for 9 years, when one night their little “secret” came out and they each told the other the truth. And who says building trust doesn’t take a looong time?
So often discussion about sex in a candid and honest manner does not happen in church. Because of this many people are forced to educate themselves in ways that are less than helpful. The Bible celebrates sex in marriage as something wonderful and to be enjoyed! As a pastor this has been something that I have many interesting conversations with people about, and it is amazing what many of them have been told about things such as oral sex and the like. It prompted me to write an uncompromising but liberating book on the subject called Do Not Disturb. You can check it out at http://www.jesuschrist.co.uk/christiansex if you are interested.