I think that trust only has to be earned after one has realized a lack of trustworthiness.
(I’m not Dr. or parents so if I’m wrong on what follows, show me some grace) I think that babies are naturally trusting, until someone gives them a reason not to be. I tend to be naturally trusting of some folks… and often end up looking foolish for it.
I put my now mentor and accountability person throug tests. She didn’t know that I was testing or trying her. But I needed her to prove to me that she could be trusted with the bigger things that I was going to open up about.
I think it is because I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust.
So with each person I would like to trust with bigger things I test them with little things and see what they say or who they tell or how they respind.
For the most part, yes. I think trust has to be built on the foundation of a relationship and is earned over time. We only earn the right to speak into someone’s life when we’ve developed a relationship.
Trust can take a lifetime to grow and can be lost in a moment. Once lost, it’s very hard to earn back.
Trust can also be “borrowed” or “loaned out.” Example? There are thousands of people who read your blog. If you write a blog post about a new restaurant you enjoyed there are many who will try it out – not because they trust the restaurant but because they trust you.
This is a very fun, multi-faceted topic to discuss. I look forward to hearing your thoughts about it.
My instinct is to say, “No. We should just trust.” But I didn’t have much of an argument for why that was a sane practice.
As for validation as as Lynse practices, I’m not sure it can be effectively tested. It’s one thing to trust somebody with small uninteresting things: “I stole a quarter when I was 8.”. But how does twenty of those then convince you that “I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.” is going to be safe?
Seems like the natural accretion of information over a course of time lends to my trusting of others. I don’t certify a person at ever increasing levels.
You know…for me, I have always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt to start out with. Everyone I meet, I trust in the beginning. For me trust can be used as a tool of love. If you don’t trust someone right from the start, and that person is used to never feeling like they are trust, maybe because of how they dress or look, then love will never be felt. I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking WAY too much about this. Or maybe I’ve just been hurt way too much recently.
I’m not sure what the exact difference is between “benefit of the doubt” and trust. But I think that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt. To me benefit of the doubt is trust at a very superficial level. But, deeper trust that comes from authentic relationship…has to be cultivated…not necessarily earned.
I had to go look up trust…chances are we all define trust in many different ways.
The dictionary says trust is…
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
or in the verb form it means….
13. to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something (usually fol. by in or to): to trust in another’s honesty; trusting to luck.
14. to have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts
After reading this, I would have to say that trust absolutely needs to be built on relationship.
I am a very trusting person, I just trust people until they give me a reason not to. As a mother of teenagers, I’ve found that once trust is broken, it definitely has to be earned back, but that’s probably the easiest relationship in which to earn trust back.
If it were between spouses, it’s a different story. I don’t know this first hand but have two friends that are dealing with this. One found it difficult but do-able, the other found it impossible and filed for divorce.
I tend to think that trust is LEARNED, then when it is broken, it is EARNED.
In all my years of sitting in chairs, I have LEARNED to trust that they will hold me. If one breaks under me, then i may think twice next time and slowly that trust is earned back.
In my experience there are times we have to choose to trust without it having been earned. But when trust is broken it is hard to restore without it being earned.
(i commented back to you on my site, but in case you don’t head over there….
yes he did! did he ask you too?
we had a great time with him when he was out in africa with us a month or so ago…)
give randy a high-five for me next time you see him.
Lori Bailey
Funny – I was just thinking about that this morning! When I’m entrusted with more than I’ve earned, I want to work extra hard to prove myself trustworthy after the fact.
In reality, I guess there’s a lot in our actions that tells people whether we’re trustworthy ahead of time…so maybe we’ve earned trust without being aware of it.
For me, I think trust does have to be earned, but it’s a process and not an event.
I agree with Texas in Africa – I am basically a trusting person and have to work hard once that trust is breached but are we talking friends who gossip about us or cheating husbands? 70 times 7 is a tough tough one for me. I’m not handing my car keys over to a known drunk but also believe in second chances (Lord – thank you for millionth chances too! You know I’ve needed every one of them!)
In life I would say that yes, trust needs to be earned. That can come quickly, or it may take years. In any event, trust to me is earned.
In terms of my life with God, trust is not earned, it is a given. Before I knew God, I would not say that I didn’t trust God, It was more of a “I just don’t care…” kind of a thought process. Once I accepted Christ, then the switched move to the trust position…in other words, I went from not caring to trusting.
Makes me think of the study I am doing on the book of James – James 1:6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
I think we tend to trust until someone proves to be untrustworthy. We trust complete strangers every time we drive. We trust that the other people will not run the red light and hit us.
With very serious issues like “I shot a man in Reno…” the trust must be earned, well in advance.
I think it shouldn’t always have to be earned, but most of the time that’s how it plays out. For instance… in my new job, I really thought people would have some inkling of who I was or what I was capable of just by knowing my past (e.g. resume). That is not the case. You still have to build trust, which in this instance, could almost be synonymous with rapport. It should be like the “innocent until proven guilty” system, but much of the time it’s more like “if he doesn’t screw this up or lasts x number of days, I might believe in him”. My boss/mentor told me that my key to success here is not the creativity I possess, the various software programs I can operate or experience I’ve had. The key to my success is how well I get along with the others on staff. Kinda goes against a lot of what we learn, huh? There are fine lines, boundaries and a myriad of cultural nuances that must be learned, adhered to and respected before you can enter that “circle of trust”. Sort of like those scenes in Meet the Fokkers… the circle of trust… so important and often difficult to get into and very easy to get kicked out of.
The thing is I live trusting. I start off with trust when I meet someone. I’m not saying I’m naive, but maybe I’m too nice. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Trust does not have to be earned until after distrust has been. That’s when it gets difficult.
I would love to be able to say that no trust does not have to be earned. You should trust someone until they give you reason not to trust to them. However, based on my own personal experiences I would have to say that trust for me takes time. This all depends on openness and communication. My trust has to be earned.
Trust is mostly based in the worthiness of the thing or person being trusted.
In other words, if I trust in a raft to keep me afloat, then I’m trusting in the float-worthiness of the raft. The raft never earned my trust. How would it even do that? I simply looked at it, saw that it was fit or not, and got in it to keep me from getting wet. If the raft sinks and I get wet, it’s mostly my fault. The raft does not owe me anything. The raft is able or unable.
I’m saying trust is more about OUR observations and choices in safety, than it is about OTHERS earning our trust. People are either trustworthy or not, or somewhere in between. We choose who to trust – and that decision is based on whether or not they demonstrate the ability to be safe.
We trust completely when we are born. We trust our parents, loved ones..etc. We lose that ability to totally trust a little at time when “life” happens. When we are hurt…called a name…betrayed, even in little way as kids we lose that a bit a time. Then, bigger things come…friends are cruel, parents seperate, people die…we lose more trust in others. It’s realizing that God is All…all we can trust that matters. To know we can give Him all of us in totality and know He will be so careful not to hurt us or betray us. Even when life is hard He is good. He is there with us as things happen and we are put through circumstances…it’s all for our good. Our lack of trust in people can cause us to be mad at God in the midst of struggles but He is not human…He is God. He is so much bigger than we can ever, ever imagine. We can let Him in…let Him know us because He already does. It’s nice to know I have Someone…someone who loves me and that I can leave it all with Him..fully surrendered. It’s still scary though! Jen
for me it is something that has to be earned…and once it is broken it has to be earned all over again…this second process of earning trust usually takes longer than the first…
i have this feeling that i shouldn’t trust anne with this question…i have this feeling that my answer will be shot down here soon…?
i don’t think trust has to be earned through a series of rigorous tests … or really, through any intentional “test,” because i think that you should trust people with things that correspond in value with how well you know their character. i won’t trust the person i just me with my debit card or my deepest secrets, but i’ll let my college roommate have both. did i test her intentionally to see if she was trustworthy? no … but i did see it over a long period of time. i don’t think it has to be so calculated, but i DO think it’s ok to be careful about trusting people too fully when you don’t know the quality of their character yet.
It’s circumstantial. God – trust not earned, just given. Relational Family – trust there, if lost must be earned back. Employment – typically, small trust given, complete trust must be earned. Social/Spousal – depends on the person & their history.
I trust too easily, get burned, then kick myself. But I repeat this process over and over. It’s just who I am.
I have trust issues at times because after you finally do trust them (earned, so the person says) it’s brought back up in my face, constantly remembering the “perception” that they don’t trust. I am so trusting, it’s pathetic, but when the person begins not telling the truth……I only tend to just trust my kids and hubby. A great question..thanks Anne! So relevant to today’s behaviors!
I think yes and no. (Sorry to straddle the fence on this one, but I do.)
Trust is God — we look to Him to prove it when there’s really no need. Trust in other people — some of us are more inherently trusting and trust is instantaneously earned, while others do not.
In my life, trust is given in liberal doses to those around me, right from the start. Very rarely do people let me down with this. But when they do, I have an honest and face-to-face conversation with them about it (no email or IM) and let them know why they let me down and hurt the trust. Depending on their reaction, they either go right back up to 100% trust (my preferred way of working with people) or some is chipped away and must be earned back through actions and intent over the course of time.
For me, trust = grace. And grace is something that has been given to me abundantly, so I need to try to do the same for others.
trust is extended freely by me, until someone breaks my trust and then they have to earn it back. i’m just rehashing what half of the rest of the people said. the question you posed is should it be? i will say it is easier to forgive than to trust.
Comments
50 responses to “answer this – TRUST…”
Does it have to be? No
Should it be? Maybe
I think that trust only has to be earned after one has realized a lack of trustworthiness.
(I’m not Dr. or parents so if I’m wrong on what follows, show me some grace) I think that babies are naturally trusting, until someone gives them a reason not to be. I tend to be naturally trusting of some folks… and often end up looking foolish for it.
I think respect takes more earning than trust.
For me it does.
I put my now mentor and accountability person throug tests. She didn’t know that I was testing or trying her. But I needed her to prove to me that she could be trusted with the bigger things that I was going to open up about.
I think it is because I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust.
So with each person I would like to trust with bigger things I test them with little things and see what they say or who they tell or how they respind.
It is my defense.
Absolutely. And if we trust someone who hasn’t yet earned our trust it’s because someone else whom we trust trusted them first.
Anne,
YES. For example, is this another trick? Tricky tricky Anne…like the mosquito net thing?
:)
Zak
For the most part, yes. I think trust has to be built on the foundation of a relationship and is earned over time. We only earn the right to speak into someone’s life when we’ve developed a relationship.
Trust can take a lifetime to grow and can be lost in a moment. Once lost, it’s very hard to earn back.
Trust can also be “borrowed” or “loaned out.” Example? There are thousands of people who read your blog. If you write a blog post about a new restaurant you enjoyed there are many who will try it out – not because they trust the restaurant but because they trust you.
This is a very fun, multi-faceted topic to discuss. I look forward to hearing your thoughts about it.
Brad Ruggles
http://www.bradruggles.com
Yes it is a trick question but I promise it has nothing to do with nets. Muahahaha.
My instinct is to say, “No. We should just trust.” But I didn’t have much of an argument for why that was a sane practice.
As for validation as as Lynse practices, I’m not sure it can be effectively tested. It’s one thing to trust somebody with small uninteresting things: “I stole a quarter when I was 8.”. But how does twenty of those then convince you that “I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.” is going to be safe?
Seems like the natural accretion of information over a course of time lends to my trusting of others. I don’t certify a person at ever increasing levels.
Trust isn’t something I do conciously.
You know…for me, I have always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt to start out with. Everyone I meet, I trust in the beginning. For me trust can be used as a tool of love. If you don’t trust someone right from the start, and that person is used to never feeling like they are trust, maybe because of how they dress or look, then love will never be felt. I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking WAY too much about this. Or maybe I’ve just been hurt way too much recently.
Idk, I’m confused.
http://www.vagabondrunn.wordpress.com
I’m not sure what the exact difference is between “benefit of the doubt” and trust. But I think that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt. To me benefit of the doubt is trust at a very superficial level. But, deeper trust that comes from authentic relationship…has to be cultivated…not necessarily earned.
I had to go look up trust…chances are we all define trust in many different ways.
The dictionary says trust is…
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
or in the verb form it means….
13. to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something (usually fol. by in or to): to trust in another’s honesty; trusting to luck.
14. to have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts
After reading this, I would have to say that trust absolutely needs to be built on relationship.
not until it has been broken.
I am a very trusting person, I just trust people until they give me a reason not to. As a mother of teenagers, I’ve found that once trust is broken, it definitely has to be earned back, but that’s probably the easiest relationship in which to earn trust back.
If it were between spouses, it’s a different story. I don’t know this first hand but have two friends that are dealing with this. One found it difficult but do-able, the other found it impossible and filed for divorce.
Ooooo, Crystal had a good answer. I like hers. Can I use hers?
I tend to think that trust is LEARNED, then when it is broken, it is EARNED.
In all my years of sitting in chairs, I have LEARNED to trust that they will hold me. If one breaks under me, then i may think twice next time and slowly that trust is earned back.
In my experience there are times we have to choose to trust without it having been earned. But when trust is broken it is hard to restore without it being earned.
i had a discussion about this on my blog recently. the verse “love always trusts” is rockin’ my world these days.
http://gritandglory.com/2008/04/07/always-trusts/
(i commented back to you on my site, but in case you don’t head over there….
yes he did! did he ask you too?
we had a great time with him when he was out in africa with us a month or so ago…)
give randy a high-five for me next time you see him.
Funny – I was just thinking about that this morning! When I’m entrusted with more than I’ve earned, I want to work extra hard to prove myself trustworthy after the fact.
In reality, I guess there’s a lot in our actions that tells people whether we’re trustworthy ahead of time…so maybe we’ve earned trust without being aware of it.
For me, I think trust does have to be earned, but it’s a process and not an event.
Depends on whose trust we’re talking about.
I agree with Texas in Africa – I am basically a trusting person and have to work hard once that trust is breached but are we talking friends who gossip about us or cheating husbands? 70 times 7 is a tough tough one for me. I’m not handing my car keys over to a known drunk but also believe in second chances (Lord – thank you for millionth chances too! You know I’ve needed every one of them!)
I takes a lot more to regain someone’s trust than it does to have it in the first place.
I start everyone at “high trust” and then they have the opportunity to keep the trust level there or lower it – it’s up to them.
I have several good friends that start everyone at “low trust” and they have the opportunity to stay there or work their way up.
I wonder how much of it has to do with personality and environment?
In life I would say that yes, trust needs to be earned. That can come quickly, or it may take years. In any event, trust to me is earned.
In terms of my life with God, trust is not earned, it is a given. Before I knew God, I would not say that I didn’t trust God, It was more of a “I just don’t care…” kind of a thought process. Once I accepted Christ, then the switched move to the trust position…in other words, I went from not caring to trusting.
Makes me think of the study I am doing on the book of James – James 1:6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
Mine can’t be earned. It can be bought, though.
Yes…and no. Then again, maybe.
I think we tend to trust until someone proves to be untrustworthy. We trust complete strangers every time we drive. We trust that the other people will not run the red light and hit us.
With very serious issues like “I shot a man in Reno…” the trust must be earned, well in advance.
I trust everybody I meet right off the bat.
I earn the trust of everybody I meet for as long as it takes.
I think a certain amount of trust exists at the beginning of a relationship and that it grows over time.
Once broken, it is never the same again.
No it doesn’t. Some trust is natural.
Yes…simply yes.
I think it shouldn’t always have to be earned, but most of the time that’s how it plays out. For instance… in my new job, I really thought people would have some inkling of who I was or what I was capable of just by knowing my past (e.g. resume). That is not the case. You still have to build trust, which in this instance, could almost be synonymous with rapport. It should be like the “innocent until proven guilty” system, but much of the time it’s more like “if he doesn’t screw this up or lasts x number of days, I might believe in him”. My boss/mentor told me that my key to success here is not the creativity I possess, the various software programs I can operate or experience I’ve had. The key to my success is how well I get along with the others on staff. Kinda goes against a lot of what we learn, huh? There are fine lines, boundaries and a myriad of cultural nuances that must be learned, adhered to and respected before you can enter that “circle of trust”. Sort of like those scenes in Meet the Fokkers… the circle of trust… so important and often difficult to get into and very easy to get kicked out of.
I trust you’ll take me seriously when I say you’ve been officially tagged. Check out my blog for the rules.
The thing is I live trusting. I start off with trust when I meet someone. I’m not saying I’m naive, but maybe I’m too nice. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Trust does not have to be earned until after distrust has been. That’s when it gets difficult.
I’d love to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve been hurt way too many times, so I would say that for me, trust does have to be earned.
I would love to be able to say that no trust does not have to be earned. You should trust someone until they give you reason not to trust to them. However, based on my own personal experiences I would have to say that trust for me takes time. This all depends on openness and communication. My trust has to be earned.
No… but it usually is…
Trust is mostly based in the worthiness of the thing or person being trusted.
In other words, if I trust in a raft to keep me afloat, then I’m trusting in the float-worthiness of the raft. The raft never earned my trust. How would it even do that? I simply looked at it, saw that it was fit or not, and got in it to keep me from getting wet. If the raft sinks and I get wet, it’s mostly my fault. The raft does not owe me anything. The raft is able or unable.
I’m saying trust is more about OUR observations and choices in safety, than it is about OTHERS earning our trust. People are either trustworthy or not, or somewhere in between. We choose who to trust – and that decision is based on whether or not they demonstrate the ability to be safe.
We trust completely when we are born. We trust our parents, loved ones..etc. We lose that ability to totally trust a little at time when “life” happens. When we are hurt…called a name…betrayed, even in little way as kids we lose that a bit a time. Then, bigger things come…friends are cruel, parents seperate, people die…we lose more trust in others. It’s realizing that God is All…all we can trust that matters. To know we can give Him all of us in totality and know He will be so careful not to hurt us or betray us. Even when life is hard He is good. He is there with us as things happen and we are put through circumstances…it’s all for our good. Our lack of trust in people can cause us to be mad at God in the midst of struggles but He is not human…He is God. He is so much bigger than we can ever, ever imagine. We can let Him in…let Him know us because He already does. It’s nice to know I have Someone…someone who loves me and that I can leave it all with Him..fully surrendered. It’s still scary though! Jen
I think there are different levels of trust. The higher the level of trust required, the more likely it needs to be earned.
Do I trust that new people I meet are honest people? Yes. Without knowing anything about them, do I trust them to babysit my kids? Nope.
for me it is something that has to be earned…and once it is broken it has to be earned all over again…this second process of earning trust usually takes longer than the first…
i have this feeling that i shouldn’t trust anne with this question…i have this feeling that my answer will be shot down here soon…?
I tend to be a trusting person. I pretty much trust everyone until they give me a reason not to. Then, the trust must be earned back.
trust has to be kept.
i don’t think trust has to be earned through a series of rigorous tests … or really, through any intentional “test,” because i think that you should trust people with things that correspond in value with how well you know their character. i won’t trust the person i just me with my debit card or my deepest secrets, but i’ll let my college roommate have both. did i test her intentionally to see if she was trustworthy? no … but i did see it over a long period of time. i don’t think it has to be so calculated, but i DO think it’s ok to be careful about trusting people too fully when you don’t know the quality of their character yet.
***person i just met
It’s circumstantial. God – trust not earned, just given. Relational Family – trust there, if lost must be earned back. Employment – typically, small trust given, complete trust must be earned. Social/Spousal – depends on the person & their history.
I trust too easily, get burned, then kick myself. But I repeat this process over and over. It’s just who I am.
I have trust issues at times because after you finally do trust them (earned, so the person says) it’s brought back up in my face, constantly remembering the “perception” that they don’t trust. I am so trusting, it’s pathetic, but when the person begins not telling the truth……I only tend to just trust my kids and hubby. A great question..thanks Anne! So relevant to today’s behaviors!
I think yes and no. (Sorry to straddle the fence on this one, but I do.)
Trust is God — we look to Him to prove it when there’s really no need. Trust in other people — some of us are more inherently trusting and trust is instantaneously earned, while others do not.
In my life, trust is given in liberal doses to those around me, right from the start. Very rarely do people let me down with this. But when they do, I have an honest and face-to-face conversation with them about it (no email or IM) and let them know why they let me down and hurt the trust. Depending on their reaction, they either go right back up to 100% trust (my preferred way of working with people) or some is chipped away and must be earned back through actions and intent over the course of time.
For me, trust = grace. And grace is something that has been given to me abundantly, so I need to try to do the same for others.
For me, trust does not have to be earned, but it can be lost in a hurry…then it’s a bit of an uphill climb to regain it.
I trust people until they break that trust, and then it has to be earned back. Kind of an innocent till proven guilty thing.
trust is extended freely by me, until someone breaks my trust and then they have to earn it back. i’m just rehashing what half of the rest of the people said. the question you posed is should it be? i will say it is easier to forgive than to trust.
chuck