after moving to dallas in 1996, i became quite fond of lake arlington. there is nothing beautiful about it – it’s small, off the beaten path, and overlooks some kind of factory which is always polluting the already hazy dallas atmosphere. following particularly rough days at school, boy problems, parent problems, or predictable teenage angst, the right bench next to the left dock was my bench, my place to go…to stare out at the lovely factory, watch the ducks fight with one another, or simply be still.
i continued this habit far into my early 20’s until i moved to kansas city. even then, on visits to my parents for the holidays, usually at some point i would make a trip out to the lake.
yesterday, i found myself on that side of the metroplex and decided it had been a while since i had paid tribute to my silent, but always available friend. my bench was free, so after clumsily walking over some big rocks wearing heels, i was able to sit and simply be still.
not very long after i took my place on the bench, a girl who was about ten came wheeling a bike over to the curb next to me, by the dock. she looked at me suspiciously, wondering if i could be trusted not to take her treasured bike. i suppose i passed the test as she wandered off to feed some of the ducks.
i looked at the bike. purple. tassles hanging out of the handlebars. little clip on stars on the spokes. and…training wheels?
the training wheels surprised me. i looked back over my shoulder, wondering if maybe i guessed her age wrong…or maybe she was a giant four year old, but no. easily ten.
training wheels? you’ve got to take them off sometime there, little lady.
after spending much of the previous week soul-searching, i have no doubt that this overly-worried ten year old and her training wheels were parked right in front of me on purpose.
there are areas in my life where i am still riding with my training wheels on. faith? check. trust in god’s plan? check. trust in others? check, check. worrying about the future? check.
i think i have a whole garage full of bicycles with training wheels on them.
the determined and stubborn part of me wants to go and rip them all off. quit taking my sleeping/anxiety/stress medicines which “keep me leveled out.” fight head-on the demons that invade my thoughts and debilitate my soul and my passion. i want to run through there like a crazy ninja-fighter and attack everything that stands in my way of fulfilling my purpose.
however, for whatever reason i can’t seem to fight. and i’m not really sure why. i know i’m tired of these training wheels, but i’m not sure if i’m ready for them to come off yet.
Comments
12 responses to “training wheels”
i’m right there with you. makes me think of a Sara Groves song
“remember surrender, remember the rest. remember that weight lifting off of your chest. and realizing that its not up to you and it never was.”
Amen.
right with ya. as usual.
i’m just trying to figure out what’s keeping me from taking the training wheels off and off-roading with my new dirt bike. i mean, i’m missing out on some big adventures! maybe i just need to go out and get some knee pads and a helmet and then i’ll feel better about taking off my kiddy wheels :)
I am there too. You always seem to say the things that cut to my heart and get me.
What keeps us from taking the training wheels off? For me i think it is that fear of what if i fall? They are safe and comfortable. And without them there is risk.
Playing the “what if….” game.
stop writing stuff that speaks directly to me. Stop it! Stop it! Quit reading my journal and posting for all to see, it’s not fair!
i was the first on my block to get the training wheels off and i was incredible. ooos and awws all around …. in real life… i am still falling on the pavement.
Again- wonderful thoughts. Like your friend who made the comment in who dropped the soap– I really appreciate that you’re willing to write and share these honest, throughtful posts. The internet does allow some anonymity compared with in person, but its off-set by the wider audience you reach.
So we are all right with you… but I wanna know something, okay 2 things.
What training wheel are you going to take off first? and then how will it take you, is there a goal for you?
These are the questions I am facing, I’m slowing taking off a training wheel off right now in a deep friendship (a trust issue), but I keep pulling back, so time I don’t know.
We’ll see…..
tassles from the handle bars I remember those days…
oops.
How long will it take you?
this may not be popular in our “self-help, leadership, innovation, be-the-best, grow the largest, American, Christian society” (whew!).
but…
I think… that most of us never lose all our training wheels – and if we do what a prideful place that would be. Paul, one of the “most successful” Christian leaders struggled throughout his ministry.
Training wheels are good, they keep us humble, remind us that we don’t know it all, and help remind us how much we need Christ in our lives…
I think we leave them behind when we leave this earth.
and maybe I just mis-interpreted the whole training wheel analogy, but that’s what I’m thinking… but I hate to see people beat themselves up over “training wheels” in their lives – I know I can get caught up in that too. But God works his will out in each of our lives in His timing, not ours – we just have to be faithful and patient.
Great post!
I dunno Anne. I think that you are kinda taking on a whole lot at once. This whole book thing, the interviews, all the other writing you do…let alone “regular” work stuff. So hey, a couple of wheels are probably good for you. BUT on the flip, I think that you are listening to God and with a tender heart are ready for “more”. More sacrificial obedience, more relinquished control, more of what He is molding you to be. I know that you know all of this…but seriously. I know that you are more, and I am super excited to know that person.
From one tea addict to another, I just discovered your blog after taking part in your survey and then receiving your thank you email. Thank you! I think your book is going to be wonderful and well-received by many. I also appreciate how real you are in your blog articles and I’m sure it’s refreshing for so many others who come by this blog. May everything go well for you during the radio broadcast. I’m in Washington State so I’m unlikely to be able to hear it.