at lunch today, i was sitting alone at an awkwardly placed table inside an overland park, kansas panera. thinking the free wifi and yummy chicken salad (which is not so readily available in dallas) would be two wonderful lunch-time companions, i plugged in my dad’s laptop (i am laptopless at the moment) and got to email checking and book-writing things.
in my inbox, i have about 58 stories of ministry hurt people have chosen to share with me. i feel so humbled and grateful they are willing to open up such painful wounds. and if you are one of those people, i beg your patience…responding has been more difficult than i ever imagined.
after nibbling a while on my fruit, emailing a couple friends, and starting to chow down on the chicken salad, i felt particularly moved to read a specific email i had recently received. i read it once. twice. googled a few things. and read it a third time.
by the third time through, i could barely manage to swallow the bite that was in my mouth. not only was my heart breaking for the person and the journey he had been on, my stomach was twisted in a big knot because of what had happened within the leadership of this particular staff.
i have been a part of staff where a large moral failure has occured. twice. it is not pretty. however, i think we are often blinded to the fact that stuff like this happens all the time without going noticed. pastors who preach from the stage wisdom and purity are doing things i don’t feel comfortable writing about. and if you’ve been here a while, you know i’ll pretty much talk about anything.
my sin is no more or less pretty than the next guy. there are dark recesses in my mind, and in my heart. but as a christian and in leadership at a church, i know these places are there and i do my darndest to not dwell on them, to talk about them with my close friends. i certainly don’t play in the muck and call it fun.
more and more as i read these stories, i realize how many church leaders do think it’s all fun and games what they do behind closed doors. they become pastors because they want a power trip and abuse the freedom they have in their lives and in their churches. they bring other leaders down with them to those places.
they aren’t the ones taking the mad church disease surveys (or if they are, they aren’t being honest), but it is their coworkers who see it what is happening, or experience it directly then either leave because of it or stay and don’t say anything because of the ramifications of accountability.
there is a very dark underbelly to many churches – churches you know of and read about and probably even comment on the staff blogs – that are going through the motions while living in deep, real sin.
i shouldn’t be surprised, but today i literally felt ill about this. it is unspeakably sad, and the truth always comes to the light, so i feel badly for the congregations who will one day discover things they could never imagine happening within their church walls.
please pray for me as i continue to read these stories, especially the hard ones like this. please pray for the people who know things they wish they didn’t, and who are doing things they shouldn’t be doing.
i realized today more than ever that whatever mad church disease turns ends up being, it cannot simply be a trendy book with good principles and advice. there is so much more going on, and i pray that we have the courage to bring about change to the war which is happening literally each and every day.
Comments
19 responses to “chicken salad and the dark underbelly”
Hey Anne,
I’ll keep praying for you and the book.
Thank you for having the courage to talk about these things.
I’m glad that you see the need for the book to be more than just trendy. I pray that God uses you to say what needs to be heard by so many people. I pray that he protects your heart and mind as you come face to face with the dark reality.
Jess xx
I’m taking a few minutes to pray for you tonight. I trust that God is going to use your willingness to look at difficult issues to help many people heal from and stay out of these situations in the future. Blessings to you. Bon courage!
i, too, will be praying for you. it must be really hard. i know a little on the subject at hand and i know it’s not pretty. it can weigh heavily on you. remember there are some good things happening out there, too. and God is present in it all.
praying for you as you continue to take this head-on.
Thanks for your honesty, Anne. It’s so true. Fortunately, there are a lot of positive stories of pastors running hard and finishing strong – family intact and healthy. But the other end can be discouraging and is a real – real – problem and challenge. Especially for those (of us) who feel called to ministry.
Part of it, for me, as I move into pastoral roles is that I need to feel the freedom to be myself. There’s the pastor-talk-and-act mask that’s easy to put on, but I feel it’s important to be a real person as you’re leading/serving/equipping others. There’s also that challenge of actually having real friends as a pastor – people you can be accountable to. It can be a lonely place, but it doesn’t have to be.
So yeah, thanks for sharing your thoughts and hurts. I’ve seen it happen. Sin is real. And it usually starts small. But when it grows up, it hurts so many…
Anne, thanks for tackling this. I believe God can always see farther and deeper than we can. I also believe that God will probably use this book for more than you could have imagined. This book, no doubt will be an encouragement to many, but maybe this book will also be the stepping stone for ministries all over that need to be shook up. Like you said, sin is always found out. I am praying this book will be a challenge for many to reevaluate and allow God to change them…radically!
Whatever pursuing this book may bring you – stand firm on the vision to see it complete and ministering to others. I once heard that God will not give an assignment or vision without the built in ability to accomplish it. I know this isn’t something you’ve brought up – it’s just something I’m personally praying for you – that the passion and urgency in this journey would stay deep and real – that you would also be protected as well…especially spiritually…obviously some of the stories that are being shared are very difficult for you. I just wanta say thanks like my man said above – for tackling this issue! Many, many blessings Anne!
See my comment at madchurchdisease.com
When I was reading this passage and as you were unfolding it, I felt the weight of an extremely heavy man sitting on my chest.
I cannot imagine going through all of these heartbreaking stories.
At the same time, when I had the calling of ministry placed on my heart, the first thing that popped in my mind was absolute accountability. If I am honoured, privileged and so blessed to be in ministry, I would do whatever it took to be fully accountable to my peers, staff and the people that I serve.
Whatever it takes. If I have to wait, I will do it. If I have walk in faith with others, I will. If I have to use software that will email my web browser history to others, so be it. Never be on trips alone. Always calling in to check in. Whatever it takes. I don’t care.
I can sit here and be upset that a handful of pastors have made the lives of other pastors that much harder. But, oh well. We have to do what it takes to restore and maintain the faith of the believers and even non-believers alike.
Yes, I am one of the crazy ones who believes we can narrow the gap between non-believers and believers without watering down the gospel of Jesus Christ. I digress.
This book is going to be such a great resource for all. I cannot wait.
I wasn’t going to leave a comment because what I had on my heart had already been spoken by others. But I think sometimes it is important to hear, Amen, I agree. Still praying for you.
Because of the field I work in, I’ve seen too much of this stuff, too, Anne. It is really a struggle for me to stay positive.
Hey Anne, you have great courage to wade through these snake infested, disease filled waters. You are a true adventurer! I’m praying for you in your ugly but ultimately God-glorifying journey. It is nothing less than following Christ through suffering – internally/emotionally.
I had a question for you: Will you be seeking any kind of counselor for this book? If so, I know an incredible guy who has delt with this type of burnout for over 20 years – Great resource for you if you want to go in that direction. Trust me, this guy is top notch, and has countless experiences. He’s also a cartoonist and theologian… just a thought.
I’m really passionate about the message of this book!
I think mess happens in almost all work places. It happens because people are messy and people are in all of those places. But you’d think that people who claim to not only be following Jesus, but actually teaching others how to follow Jesus would safeguard their hearts…. Both at how their own actions are, and how they’re treating and making other’s feel.
Anne,
I think you are taking on a HUGE, enormous, and unending subject within the church. But I believe it’s 110% needed.
Not to show these people who have sinned or show pastors and or leaders that have fallen, BUT to show that God’s compassion for them all is here waiting for them.
Also, showing them that there’s help and not aloneness in it.
Praying for you and this load. Remember God never allows us to be Burdened.
Anne,
I have prayed for you today.
Know that you are loved,
gaj
Sorry to be a bit off-topic, but I have to wonder, being that you’re a writer, why have you given up capitalization in your blog posts?
Anne,
I’m praying for you as well. Last year, I was in a similar situation where I was exposed to many dark secrets from people’s pasts and became so jaded toward them after a while. It was a spiritual warfare that I had to deal with on a daily basis that eventually was just too much. I pray that God will give you strength to continue to have passion for these people and their struggles, and to bring them into the open to help others. He’ll use it to make a huge difference in many lives.
everyone-thanks for your prayers and encouragement!
grammar-in real life, I speak in lowercase.
You, the book, the people, the church…..
in my prayers.