i was looking back through my old leadership summit notes from two years ago and came across something i had written about my “holy discontent.” it was shortly after day one of the leadership summit in august of 2005. reading this now, knowing that the last two years have been full of healing, learning, getting my butt kicked (deservedly so), tons and tons and tons of grace, second chances, and small but difficult attempts at obedience…it is really cool to see how god has taken something that has been on my heart for most of my life, reignited my passion for it, and is now allowing me the opportunity to move forward with it.
feeling completely unworthy, yet inexplicably grateful.
August 11, 2005
Asking myself…
What is it that stirs a holy discontent in me?
In each of us something stirs our hearts and souls – a holy discontent. When something just isn’t right and it begins to drive us to some sort of impassioned craziness if we don’t do something about it. Many times we try and shut it off or run from it, but we should be feeding it. If it breaks our hearts, it must be breaking God’s as well – so he’ll look all across the earth to find us and choose us to be his tool to bring healing to whatever that discontent is in.
Biblical reference – Moses seeing his people being beaten, then fighting each other. (Exodus 2) – God calling him to lead them out (Exodus 3)
At lunch, our pastor asked the people at our table, about 5 of us, what our holy discontent is. For once I knew exactly my answer (that never happens.)Honestly at first I hesitated saying it. I don’t know why. I thought if I gave some canned answer I would “typically” give about equipping artists or engaging them in community (which I do feel strongly about)…I could just medicate it…one more time. But I couldn’t. I had to say it. And I am so glad I did.
My Holy Discontent is seeing broken and struggling churches, seeing those churches not getting help they need, and instead being beaten by the progressive and overextended church culture pressures that surround them. I see and weep for the effect that it has on church pastors and leaders and their families…knowing also the impact this has on the community around it – the people who are searching…..
I love my job. I love doing communications stuff. But that doesn’t keep me up at night. That doesn’t brew around in my head at 3am. THIS DOES.
I realized how much of this is tied to my past. In my comment at lunch, I said that this stirring was a new thing, within the last month – but as I reflect, it has been there for years. At a meeting, I saw members of my dad’s church attacking him and another one of our pastors. It burned a hole so deep inside and so quickly…After leaving, I climbed on the fire escape in the back of the building and wrote a letter to God that I still have today – pouring out my questions and asking for understanding of why we are so flawed – why so unjust to those who we are tied together with – bound and yoked to – as the body of Christ.
I never went back to that church. The next week, my dad and the other pastor resigned. Every time I would try to go to church, as soon as I saw the way they treated the leaders, or the way the leaders would lie or misuse trust, I would run.
I couldn’t stand the way that my heart was breaking. After having my heart broken one last time by a youth pastor I looked up to so much – I said forget it, and didn’t go back to church for almost 6 years.
Now this pain I’ve been feeling – this, “Dark Night of the Soul” as my friend James put it once, and Hybels reiterated today – I know what it is.
I have no idea what to do about it.
I want to help these pastors, these churches – but who am I? A 25 year old girl with too many emotions, weaknesses, frailties…trying to understand and enter the world of a 45 year old man?
I have no idea what to do.I just know I must.
The adventure began 18 years ago when I hid in a closet so I could spy on my dad’s deacon’s meetings. But tomorrow, we enter into a whole new chapter. Thank you for your prayers & your support. I can’t wait!
Comments
11 responses to “a new chapter”
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and fears. I understand and will be praying for you and this next chapter!
Wow.
Psalm 42 says “deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.”
God has been sweeping over you for years, his waves and breakers have been buffeting you and building you, equipping you, developing character, but most significantly, imparting passion against injustice. It goes deep.
Don’t stop listening to the roar.
yea God.
Looking forward to seeing where God leads….
probably the most challenging post I have read in a while. I am so exzited about your next chapter. God has truly called you to do this and he is going to give you the word and grace to do this.
Love ya girl!!!
Churches like this – I’ve been fired myself once or twice – are without the presence of God. They’ve quenched the Spirit and live under the rule of the Lord of this World, not the next. Time to be like Pilate, wash your hands, dust off your sandals, and move on to the ones that will accept your peace. I don’t internalize the anguish – Anita does. It’s harder for her to recall one of these churches than it is me. God will take care of them. They’ve gone so long without operating under the leadership of the Holy Spirit that they wouldn’t know what it was if it came up and hit them between the running lights. YOU can’t do anything about them. You’re not responsible for their behavior. They’re adults acting like children. You can’t spank them, shake them, or change them. Thank the Lord for the lesson he’s taught you with them – remember, though they may have not been operating under the leadership of the Holy Spirit when they called dad, he was; and though it may be hard to dig, God does have a purpose in sending us to churches just like McC. We learn and move on; they learn nothing and keep repeating the same sin, over and over and over again.
I like what Unka Bob had to say — good insight, it seems. I’m so excited to watch this unfold in your life; it’s the next step to healing for you. God will make perfect this work that he has started in you — go for it, girl! Love ya!
I LOVE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!! When you look back at something and see when the desire was discovered or ignited and then see the completion (or beginning?) of it. If you were here I’d be giggling and jumping up and down about that.
I had a similar experience several years ago when I was doubting a ministry position I held. I looked back to some journals and saw words like “down deep I…” and “my passion is..” And God just confirmed that and brought me full circle. He is so sharp.
i think part of the problem with churches is that the leadership is flawed… just like those who attend the church. but, for some reason, people want to look to the leadership as near perfect.
they already (or atleast should) know that no one is perfect but many have the mentality that the closest to perfection must be the leadership of a church. oohhhhh… how wrong this thinking can be.
my heart, too, was broken during my teen years. it didn’t really involve burn-out, so i don’t know if you would want to hear it. it did involve my parents, the church, and the hypocrisy that i couldn’t understand at that age or even want to. i, too, left the church only to return after working through my own journey. God is good.
Sometimes following a lot of blogs makes me forget that I like you so much. I like how you think. You think like me on a lot of things. We should have lunch for real.
Anne: I can really tell you have a burden for Pastors. So, why not be THE one that can help them by having a Session, connecting with their world and ask your own Pastor how you can ease the burden by caring.
As you know, I’ve been married to a Pastor forty years and I read him your July blog and asked him if he wouldn’t mind any contact. And he said he wouldn’t mind. Love ya for your burden….bless your precious heart! I hope it is ok to post here. :)