my friend sarah wrote something on her blog yesterday that really resonated in me. those who know me well, know my tendency to lean towards not only excellence, but perfectionism. this manifests itself in so many ways; holding unreachable expectations for myself, and also for others. at its ugliest, it becomes an obsessive quest in which i know there is not a realistic (or pretty) end.
she writes:
My perfectionism creates a demand for the unattainable…This perpetuates my self-hate and tendency to isolate – because if I can?t be perfect, no one will accept or love me, of course. Our society demands perfection. Everyone I encounter is “puttin? on airs,” as my dad would say. (Southern for pretending to be something you?re not). Image is everything. I loathe my imperfection. I wish I was pious enough to embrace it as a reminder of the abundant Grace which covers my imperfection. But I can?t claim to be anything of the sort. Imperfection to me spells disaster. On the one hand, I do seek to be transparent in some areas. What an oxymoron. Partially transparent.
for both sarah and me, a lot of our habits now were formed when we were children by external circumstances. a few glowing moments in my own life:
1) i got busted in the first grade because i would throw away any schoolwork that was returned to me with less than a 97 on it. i was a straight-a student pretty much my whole academic life, but anything lower than 97 wasn’t good enough. my teacher finally found my 94’s, 90’s, and 96’s in the trash and had a conference with my mother.
2) until i was in the fourth grade, i sang. i was in school plays. i took lead roles. i was in a bluebell ice cream commercial. i was even in a children’s touring group called “the little texas singers” (we’d wear cowboy hats & red bandanas). my mom would always encourage me to rehearse hours a day. that wasn’t the problem – i loved it! however, simply offering some constructive criticism on my vocal rehearsal, “you’re a little flat there, honey”…i stopped. if i couldn’t be perfect, then what was the point?
these minor decisions and thought processes i adopted when i was young have formed a full-on issue now. i’ve posted about it a few times (demolition of things not mortar, the power of human need) but i wonder if these feelings are an addiction of some kind. a control issue? definitely a trust issue. lots of fear involved. fear of disappointing. fear of being a disappointment.
hmmm.
Comments
26 responses to “perfection confession”
my drive for perfection has been my greatest struggle in the spiritual regard. it’s an everyday battle!
Every day of the week, twice on Wednesday and three times on Sunday. (mostly because I help with our fledling worship team at my church) It’s little things usually that cause me to totally fly off. If it can’t be done right … you know the rest.
I am told to just “let go”, let “God do the work”. I want to do that – really I do and yet so often I find myself jerking control away from him and taking over.
I feel you Ms. Jackson. I guess it is a daily process for those of us who struggle.
I am not a perfectionist, but I certainly live with one! Most of the time I frankly don’t understand it; but, I do see it’s importance for him. So I don’t begrudge his tendencies, rather try to work around them if need be. He’s worth it.
this is the most meaningful way i have been attacked,
particularly after the 2004 events
we have talk many time about
I can relate to this post is SO many ways, it’s sick. I knew there was a prefectionist complex, but I thought my condition was something on a different scale. Now I find out I may not be alone.
The homework stuff, I was very much like that during my early years.
As an example of such sick perfectionism, I asked Andrew if he wanted me to change his grammatical error:
you shud add ttaht you cayme b y my office and asked verbilly too
Just read my wifes comment above….(robin) “I am not a perfectionist, but I certainly live with one! ”
Yea, I can totally relate…
also,
http://thispresentsojourn.com/?p=142
I am so there. I often put so much pressure on myself to accomplish tasks that I dont even have the pressure to do. I always feel like i am having to prove myself, so i am always on time….well early and always have things done asap…even if i have to work more than i should.
Read a great book by Brennan Manning called “Abbas Child.” It is not so much about perfectionism but more about having an imposter…it is really good and confronted this area in my life.
Of course I don’t know you but I suspect that this perceived weakness in you is also your strength. You perfectionism is probably what has made you a success in the things that you are known to be good at. Eventually you will learn to give up the things that aren’t important and focus on the passions that are worth your angst.
By the way, I keep editing this comment. So who’s the perfectionist? I think I’ll just hit submit and call it good!
I used to be a perfectionist. I always had to have the top grade in school right up until the time I started developing bleeding ulcers. I was in 5th grade, and the Dr. was telling me that if I didn’t relax, the next step after drugs was surgery to cut the things out.
We put him off for years, hoping I would learn to control it myself. I finally did during 9th grade. I learned to “slack off” and enjoy life a little more, and stopped trying to be the best at everything.
Lesson learned? I got rid of the ulcers, still had a great time, graduated in the top 10% of my class, and now I’m doing what I love to do, even though I’m not as good as many I see around me.
Now I have a son who’s headed down the same road, but we think he’s getting the solution much earlier than I did.
are you kidding me? I stress myself out so bad that I physically make myself sick. As in, throwing up. I think my need to prove myself overwhelms almost every area of my life. It’s not even a “care what others think” thing for me. It’s what I think of myself I guess. I know I demand so much, but then that’s what I think is needed to be great. Funny thing is, when I get too overwhelmed I completely shut down. Hibernation mode.
I’m right there with you. There are times it gets so bad that I develop a weird rash around my eyes, giving me raccoon eyes. It has been a compulsion for as long as I can remember. I’m afraid of what it would mean if I were to even attempt to stop. It’s become so much of who I am that I feel like I would lose myself.
I also shut down when I get too overwhelmed. If there are too many areas that need my attention, I give up on them all until I can find the most beneficial “plan of attack.”
The pressure is overwhelming. I don’t realize how much pressure I put on myself until I reach a complete state of exhaustion (typically after having stepped away from my daily routine). I too can trace my obsession for perfection back to a time when I should have been playing on the playground, but instead, I was worrying that I wasn’t “cutting it” in comparrison to my younger brother.
These lies continue to taunt me, but I’m growing more aware of how to combat them with a growing comfort of being in my own skin.
Eesh. I’m usually such a perfectionist. I want to do things well. If I don’t do them well in the first few trys, I don’t do them anymore. Then there are some days when just getting through is enough.
Long ago, I found out that many of us attempt to be perfectionists. Many people’s perfectionism comes not from parents, but school. School demands we make the “A” and some are driven to do that. I was that way until a fifth grade teacher helped me learn to dislike, no, hate school. Perfection is winning, not coming in second, but coming in first, and some people just don’t like to loose. I knew a 4 or 5 year old that was like that. If she did not win all the time she would throw a fit and refuse to play. When she was older–if she did not win, she would hit her little brother if he won. As one gets older, like me, older than dirt, you learn that relationship building is of greater importance than being perfect–cause no person is perfect anyway. My perfection will be found only when death comes to me. I will be perfect because God will see Jesus in me.
I am not a perfectionist/obsessive, but I live with one too! My youngest son (he’s 12) is extremely so–he will avoid even attempting things if he cannot finish or do them the way he thinks they have to be. He gets extremely stressed before a test or project, even if he is doing great. (example 2 years ago took a state 3 day 4th grade test. Sick worrying about missing any questions before the first day. Found out he got the entire first day questions right. So sick before the 2nd day because thought he would mess up. Perfect again, but just as much stress the 3rd day, still convinced missing a question would be the end of the world.
We talk about it a lot, he is very aware–we always think what the worst case scenario/probable scenarios are…it’s getting better.
On the flip side of that–he is an awesome student, hockey player, and excels at most of what he attempts. He wants to be a neurosurgeon (has since he was 7)…now tell me…if someone were operating on your brain, wouldn’t you want an obsessive perfectionist to be holding the scalpel?! ;) There are positives…
I feel ya. My 6-year-old daughter hates to do anything unless she can be perfect. I try to get her to risk all the time but she’s not a fan.
lol, i swing the other way and revel in my imperfectionism :)
here’s a warped view……i know that perfectionism is (for me) just sizing up others next to me really……i mean we wouldn’t care about things if we weren’t worried about what others think, right? so, basically, we want to look better than everyone else……ironically, for me, lately, seeing other perfectionists has helped me not want to be a perfectionist because i don’t want to obsess and worry about what others think, for i know that perfectionists do that…..i think this all sums up to being an obsessed analytical perfectionist…….i just noticed that the word anal is in analytical….sorry……
how’s that for warped and confusing…..?
who’s judging me now?
lol
i cleaned my house very thoroughly last night, the activity and its result both things i enjoy. the only frustrating part was when i was trying to get the kitchen towel neatly lined up on my stove handle. six painful minutes later, my work was complete.
Andrew… you scare me
I never really knew about this perfectionist side of you growing up with you. It does explain why you fought so dirty in karate class, cause you were determined to win, no matter how much of my blood…ended up on the floor, and the ceiling, and me, and you, and everything.
Good to know I can whip you now, I don’t fear for my life anymore
I am a perfectionist when it comes to some things. Other things I could care less about. In school sometimes i hace to cross out the same word several times because it doesn’t look just right.
Oh my. I never thought perfectionism was a bad thing. I just thought I was committed to being and doing excellent work(in the name of the Lord)–no matter who got stomped in the process. Its amazingly toxic. Yeah, I had to deal with that a few years ago. I wrote about it and then posted it: http://joniruhs.wordpress.com/2006/12/13/the-proverbs-32-woman/
I read a great booklet by Jill Briscoe called “The Comparison Trap”. Interesting and quick. A good therapist helped too.
Sadly, I see the same things in my oldest daughter–from birth. I swear I could hear her cry as a newborn “you’re not doing it right mom!”. Now I’m hoping to stop it early.
Sorry so long. Feel free to edit.