answered prayers & promises

so, when you pray for your spirit to be broken, and expect it to happen. it does. it is the whole “sorrow without despair” thing i mentioned last week. my heart has been put through the wringer lately in many aspects:

• my gifts [how and where and when am i using them? do i even know what they are or am i wishing?]
• my creativity [i am feeling extremely lacking in this area]
• my work [lots of projects, no time, desiring to get ahead of myself]
• my freelance [i want to do some volunteer work, but i have so many bills to pay…]
• my estrogen [why do girls feel they must compete? not just in the looks area, but in all areas of life? and maybe it is not girls in general, but just me? why must i compete? it’s stupid. i feel like a dog that wants to piss everywhere to claim my territory and get all offended when someone crosses over]
• our finances [we are paying our bills, all on time, but are left with practically nothing at the end of it all. our needs are met, but it gets scary, and there never seems to be an end in sight]

So all of these areas that have been pressing on my heart lately. Squeezing out every last bit of integrity I can muster just to ask myself:

“do you mean what you say…when you say you’re committed? can you be patient? humble? can you trust? really?”

I have been reading 1st Timothy lately. Probably four times in the last week, hoping to pull some encouragement and insight from Paul’s letter. Absorbing it. And trying to remember it.

On another note, I had a nice surprise on my door frame after our staff meeting. It was one of those little Dove chocolate wrappers and someone had taped it up for when I returned. It said:

Make a list of your dreams

I’m sure this person meant this as an encouragement, and it was – as much as it is funny, as I am the queen of list makers (color-coded, mind you). But what stood out more than the quotation was the trademark:

Promises Message

It was just another reminder that I am promised a future, that He will take care of me, all my anxieties listed above, and whatever dreams I may or may not list. I am promised a unique gifting. I am promised so much – even when I can’t make sense of any of it. Even when it hurts as I am trying to figure it out.

What are you promised?