demolition of things not mortar

part one [disconnect]

we have almost been here a year.

i have met so many wonderful people.
who have shared in

1) movies
2) hundreds of trips to cafes
3) gallbladder removals
4) birthday/superbowl/new years/christmas/art showing/parties
4) and now, rooibos

(don’t worry mom, it’s not a drug)

yet in this odd state of sleepiness i am in,
combined with a weekend of prayer,
cold weather,
readings from a prophet

in the deepest parts
although i am connected in so many ways
there is the disconnect

i see others
and their connections
and feel left out
(not in the third wheel way)(don’t pity me)

part two [demolition]

nobody to blame
but this stupid wall
that i can’t seem to tear down…

these bricks of fear
aren’t held together
by a justifiable mortar…

but perfectionism,
[am i pretty enough?]
[skinny enough?]
[funny enough?]
[normal enough?]

the things that don’t matter
and yet…
they are the hardest…
to demolish.