If you’ve watched TV recently, you would have noticed emotional affairs is a problem being recognized even outside of our little Christian bubble. On the Today show, they had their resident psychologist on talking about emotional affairs. The show created so much buzz, they had her on again…and again.
With the introduction of internet communication as well as overworked career minds and the fallout of under met needs, it’s no wonder so many people are struggling getting a grip on their emotions and their thought lives. No longer is it just the stereotypical vice president sleeping with his secretary; but it’s the stay at home mom hooking up with her newly divorced neighbor. The assistant pastor messing around with the woman whose marriage is falling apart.
And maybe they’re not even having sex.
As a woman, this is an area in my life I have to constantly guard.
There’s a book out there called Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment.
This book has some valuable information in it. Whether you’re single or married – emotions are something that need to be guarded. They have to be guarded.
If you’re young – learn how to now. Learn the warning signs early. Guys can have emotional affairs too, so this doesn’t just apply to us girls
- Are you thinking about someone constantly. Does he or she pop in your head more than a few times a day?
- Do you dress yourself based on who you are going to see (need to impress?) that day? If you know you might run into a particular person, do you make sure you look good?
- Are you always anxiously awaiting a phone call or email from a certain person that isn’t your spouse?
- Do you find yourself thinking, “I wonder if he (or she) finds me attractive?”
- Do you dwell on thoughts of what it would be like to hug, touch or kiss a certain person?
Those are some of the red flags mentioned in Every Woman’s Battle that show you might be leaning on the line of an emotional attraction that isn’t healthy.
Especially if you’re married or with someone and you’re having these thoughts – talk to someone right away (but not the person you’re having the thoughts about!)
The Bible talks about sex (including thoughts or actions) outside of marriage like this:
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” (1 Corinthians 6:16a – The Message)
and a few sentences later:
“Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does.” (6:18 – NLT).
Run away-Fast!
Not just from having sex with someone you shouldn’t be having sex with?but from your thoughts and your emotions.
We were created to follow our hearts and the desires we feel, but when they lead us away from God’s plan and into someone else?s arms instead (even if it’s just in our imagination), nothing?nothing good can ever come from that.
This is serious business…and not something to be blown off as just a crush or infatuation.
Comments
102 responses to “An Emotional Affair”
Hey Anne I sent you an e-mail but it got bounced back. Any way I just wanted to say that I had my proposal hearing and it all went great, my project was approved! Thanks for your help
(i think someone wanted to update their blog and couldn’t think of anything to write about… hehe… i love you!)
if i may add, this is not only a problem for married/engaged people. i speak as single woman… from my own experience that i, at times, i can be clingy and hungry for affirmation, but am able to better control it than i used to be.
when i was i my mid-teens i used to be terribly attracted to married/engaged men. i think it had a lot to do with just seeing them and how in love with their wives/fiances they were that i was jealous and longed for that for myself and also the love they showed their kids was something i desired. i would cling to married men. i was much younger than i am now so i am sure they could see it but as ephatuation, but in my head i was in love… a distorted love. all of the warning signs mentioned in your entry applied. these were married men! i look back on how ridiculous i was and it saddens me that i was looking for love from someone who couldn’t rightfully and morally return it.
i wasn’t saved then… i am graeful i was rescued from all of that when i met my Father.
i do find now though that i struggle with the same thing but now with single men. i think the same struggle apply in these situations too. they are emotional affairs of the mind.
i find myself longing for phone calls, emails, i dress nicer if i know i will see someone i like, i can become consumed by thoughts of him. you know some of the struggle i recently had and it definitely wasn’t healthy.
i love when i can be obedient and give up those feelings to God and become rescued by Him. love Him. desire Him. – the way i want to be desired from elsewhere.
great post.
Emotional affairs are real, and happen on a daily basis. If you have read my blog at all you know my story. Emotional affairs are not only sin, but they will eventually, if not checked, turn into a physical affair. For most people emotional affairs start in the workplace. Throughout the week we spend more time at our 8-5, than we do at home. I make a concerted effort to be conscious of this at work. In my department I work with 20 women, and 1 man. I think emotional affairs can sneak up on you. From a casual comment about how you dress, to someone’s concern on how your marriage is doing, it doesn’t take much for the snowball effect to take place. Honestly has to be the answer. As impossible as honesty has been for me, it is the answer to this issue. When you expose sin to the light, it has no place.
Thanks Anne and Tim for helping me understand this better.
.-= Kevin Bradford?s last blog ..Novas, Nebulas and Wonder =-.
that was a great post!
Sometimes as women I think we know these things but don’t want to admit that that’s what we do.
I know I do all those things and I also know how unhealthy it is. And like Crystal said it’s just not marriend women. I think single women do it more and think it is okay because they don’t have that “other” person.
Thanks for talking about something that sometimes people don’t want to talk about!
Anne…one of my favorites of yours! Not much time to comment…we’re headed to the beach…(**sticking out tongue like a five year old**)but I will enjoy reading these comments!
Sadly, men and women both become skilled at taking advantage of these people desperate for love and attention. I spent most of my life in that place, and I’m just now beginning to feel the saddness and regret that comes with using people.
Good thoughts Anne…I also just want to challenge the “users” out there. Think about the impact your actions are having on the world. Think about the legacy you’ll be leaving behind. Think about the ripple effect of your selfishness.
On another note…you know you’ve posted a lot when you start doing the “best of” posts. ;)
AHHHHH I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!! you’ll have to stop by my grad party too…its saturday after graduation from 6-9 (come and go) at the cafe! EEEEEEK im so excited to see you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think emotional affairs are becoming so previlent due to the fact that so many have bought into the illusion that it’s something “to be managed”.
With the escalation of shows like Desperate Housewives, Gray’s Anatomy, etc. It is protrayed as a good thing. Something that makes you more complete.
What a bunch of crap.
But, it FEELS right. Whatever. One thing I’ve learned first hand:
The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9
So, what is it that makes us ready to jump headlong into this minefield?
We want acceptance. I think even as adults, the desire to “be cool”, “be liked” doesn’t go away. I think in some respects it may even get worse.
When you’re young, you have a lot more time to hang out with friends and meet new people.
Once you hit the “Career Years”, often times you’re spread too thin to hang out with your current friends, or meet new ones.
So, once you find someone that makes you feel special, you cling on.
It never satisfies. It always leaves you wanting more – which is so dangerous.
Ahhh, that we would pursue our Lover God – the One who never fails. The One would satisfies every need, if we just give Him the chance.
of COURSE i have heard of Ours. how freaking insanely good is his voice? the fact that he does it live makes it even better. guh.
i think i read the ‘old’ version of this post once. i liked it then, and i like it now. :)
some of the serving roles (in ‘supporting’ roles and more recently in leadership roles) i’ve had have given me the opportunity of hanging out with some really high quality guys at times… and those opportunities have been where i’ve needed to work the hardest at guarding my heart (and looking out for their hearts as well). sometimes it seems silly to try to be so careful. but it’s necessary. the effort is worth it… and the alternative is just scary.
thanks for the (re)post. :)
anne.
you are so wise.
i miss you.
(and you haven’t even left kansas again yet!)
i love this post. its so true.
it makes me think.
The biggest problem with emoitional affairs, is how hard it is for people to admit to themselves when they are in one. My first wife left me, in part, because she had become emotionally attatched to another man and wasn’t willing to leave him to move to where I was stationed. You’ve definitely hit the nail on the head on questions to ask yourself when it comes to identifying your emotional affair. But before that can occur, most people need to do the first step in every 12 step program, swallow their pride and admit the problem. I’m glad to see that you’ve found the importance of honest and frequent communication with your spouse. I don’t know if it’s because we’re just that cool, or it because of our lack of social lives, but my wife and I spend 2-3 hours a day just talking about our work, friends, the world, and whatever else comes mind(a lot of video games). And even after 4 and a half years together, somehow we can still just talk about stuff for hours. But communication is they key. Whether it’s with your significant other or your close friends, or maybe even a church leader. It can sometimes make a huge difference to get the perspective of someone not involved.
My husband was having an emotional affair with a girl he worked with (she’s 27, he’s 43). At least he says all they’ve done is kissed. I have a gut feeling it’s something more. I got his cell phone records and he’s been text messaging her almost every day – even when he’s not working. Let me just say that the pain he has put me through is excrutiating. He says there’s nothing going on now but I’m not sure. He won’t leave his job so it makes me think he can’t leave her. If you’re thinking about having an affair (emotional or sexual) think about your husband, wife, or children before you so selfishly decide to do something you can’t take back.
Thanks for posting this bit of much needed encouragement! I will keep my eyes open for this book you mentioned…..
I have been denying (or not) to myself that I am in an emotional affair. It is extremely complicated, because our children are close friends. Our spouses are aware of the friendship, and we frequently spend time together as families. But my friend and I also talk on the phone daily, and use arrangements with the children as an excuse. He is the primary caregiver, so the arrangement has been all too convenient for both of us. We are close. Very close, and it is impossible that our spouses don’t know. There is no easy way not to see each other. That would destroy all of the friendships — the childrens and the adults. I am friends with his wife, he with my husband. My friend and I have never acknowledged to oneanother that there is a ‘situation’ between us. Instead, we seem to carry on as though it is normal to spend so much time together. It is as though we exist inside a separate marriage, but with no physical contact. I don’t want to end this. And strangely, I don’t think our spouses would like to see a name put to it. It would destroy the closeness that we all feel. What on earth do we do?
My dear,
As hard as it will be – it must stop – as painful as it will be now (I can’t imagine), TRUST ME, it will eventually come to a point of no return, where trust will be completely shattered and and it will hurt even more than if you cut all ties now.
A very good friend of mine for years…I had a feeling he was having an emotional affair. He was confronted by his friends and denied it. Finally, the pressure became too much (after five years) and both parties confessed. Both were great family friends over the last fourteen years. I am good friends with the man, and his son. To know “on the inside” the pain and damage the affair (which had become physical) has caused was beyond anything I have ever seen, and I have known probably 10 couples who have had them in the last several years. I think because it went on sooo long (whereas most were short lived)….the longer the pain, the deeper the agony, as the adage goes.
I know it seems impossible, but you must tell your husband and you must run. Marriage is Christ’s example of the His love for the Church exemplified on the earth, and Satan is doing EVERYTHING he can to attack it.
I have a friend who I will send this email to (anonymously, so she will not know your name, just your story) who can shed some personal light on this that I cannot.
In the Bible, scripture tells us to “stand firm” on God’s word for truth, and what is right. The *ONLY* time he tells us to run is from sexual temptation…FLEE it, it says.
If you are involved in a local church, I really advise finding a woman you can trust, maybe a bible study leader or a women’s leader, to confess to (James 5:16)…and seek her wisdom and support. Together, both of you (or maybe just you) can choose to tell your husband that you know it will be best to sever ties with this family immediately, and even though it sounds extreme, counseling, along with finding one girl I can open up with about stuff (as I still struggle) has been a lifesaver in my own life.
Linda, I hope this somehow encourages you. I KNOW it is hard and more than that TERRIBLY SCARY. But Scripture is clear, and you must run to save your marriage, your children, and your relationship with Christ.
There is a book titled “Every Woman’s Battle” that I also recommend. She has been there. She is so honest in it. You can find it at practically any bookstore, and if you have problems finding it or getting it, let me know, and I would gladly send you my own copy…
Please let me know how I can pray for you, and how you are doing…
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Thanks for this post. This issue is HUGE. It is rampant, especially in the church and the Christian community. Because it is so easy to justify and say that nothing happened physically, people don’t think that emotions mean anything.
From a guys perspective, this is an issue that many men struggle with too. Men need to also be responsible with their emotions and not be so willing to meet the emotional needs of women that are committed to other men.
We must be intentional and conscious of this!
I have been reading about emotional affairs for hours today. I am in one and don’t have the strength to move out of it. It is all onesided – my side. Reading everyone’s comments here has been tremendous. I want to share my story, but I don’t want someone to know who I am. I appreciate everything that everyone has said.
My husband knew everything in the beginning and then I decided that it didn’t matter to him, so I made all contact with my friend a secret. We only eml and it is very brief and mostly about work. But my emotions are so tied that up that I feel possessed. It’s crazy.
Thank you for this site. I will come again to be encouraged by everyone’s honesty and stories and real life experiences.
Anne, I was so surprised to see a comment from me, ’cause I’d forgotten as I read that I had been here before!
I found myself again wanting to say some of the things I did, in fact, say, so I’m glad I had already done that. However, when I said above that none of my fantasies had ever become physical, that was not entirely true. I’ve just remembered a serious emotional affair I had in my 20’s, when my then-husband was away. It actually came to involve some serious kissing, and ended when the man moved away (thank you, Lord!). And when I was divorced, I allowed my loneliness and neediness to lead my thoughts down the path of fantasy about a man I saw every week in a particular meeting. That one turned into an affair that has caused me incredible pain, shame, deep remorse that defeated me for many years. And it all started with my thoughts.
So now I’d like to add one thing: I’ve read many references in the comments to controlling one’s *feelings*. Feelings are, as you said, natural, and it isn’t really the feelings that we need to control. What we can and must learn to control are the thoughts generated by the feelings and the fantasies that follow. Yes, we really can control those.
Everything I said previously about my present marriage is true. We have a wonderful, really close, sometimes goofy relationship–very romantic and also very practical. We are totally committed to one another. And still…. I attend church by myself, and it’s a wonderful place. I have nice comfortable friendships with many brothers in Christ, many of which I would have romanticized and sexualized in my mind, years ago. Now, I don’t. I just don’t go there. But every once in a while, I find my heart begins to flutter, just a tiny little bit, when I see someone. I’ve learned that I can check that, nip it in the bud: “Stop it, right now!” And then I turn my thoughts and my heart to Jesus and release the thoughts I don’t want.
Fortunately, it’s a large church and we don’t sit in the same area, anymore, so the contacts have been greatly curtailed. And there’s no contact outside of church, either.
The thrills, the tingles of flirtation or even just fantasy, are not and can never be good enough to be worth the vast cost to ourselves, let alone our other relationships. Any time you’re (and I’m including myself) thinking too much about someone else, fantasizing, looking too hard or planning your appearance for this person, ask yourself if it’s really worth the loss of your own self-respect, other relationships, and especially the damage to your relationship with Jesus Christ. If your answer is not a resounding NO!, you are in trouble and need to confess to someone (other than the object of your feelings), and then to take drastic measures to get away.
Sorry, Anne; I really didn’t mean to hijack your blog.
tammy……i’ve got a lot to share with you…..from experience…..if you are interested…..
anne can connect us….
J, I’m not tammy, but I would love to talk with someone who can share from their experience. I need to know how to break emotional ties and reattach them to my husband (who knows)!! Please help!
[…] haven’t written about sex on here in a long time. with some recent comments on my post, an emotional affair, and some emails resulting from that topic i thought now might be a good […]
Hello,
I just found this website. I am hoping for some guidance. I have been married for twenty years(since I was 18). For the past several months I have suspected my husband is having an emotional affair, he continues to deny it. If we go out to dinner with this friend I am the third wheel, They sit next to each other and I sit across from my husband, always the womans idea. The two of them will sit and wisper to each other touch each others arms and have a great time and not include me. My husband says I am just acting jealous now she may need a place to stay and he thinks she should stay with us! Well i will be moving out.
Please what does this sound like? My husband should sit next to me when eating out right?
Thanks for any help.
Alright…. I want to share this history so you have an accurate picture of my problem…. I need some feedback…. It’s more like I need to talk this out… thank you for indulging me with this wonderful blog forum….
During most of my college years I had a turbulent and intense relationship with a man who was never far from my heart. Despite all the hurtful (and amazing) things we did to and with each other – I always understood his shortcomings and appreciated his understanding of mine – we were both reeling from family dysfunctions at the time – his family things were worse than mine really – I was just really needy since my Dad was mostly emotionless. Over the 10 or so years after this man’s and my “official relationship” we would make what I’m calling “emotional booty calls” – as single people – from the respective cities where we lived and worked. Usually the calls involved one of us desperately begging for reconcilliation and the other explaining why it wasn’t possible to reconcile. I was the beggar one of the last times before I moved to where I live now.. and upon that rejection I moved and immediately met a new person – who had many of the qualities I appreciated in my former love and who was pretty dysfunctional himself. After several months in my new location having no contact with my old flame I started dating and set out to “fix” this new man (who ironically actually has the same first name as the old love). (Granted this was 8 years ago and I can say what I did in hindsight so much better than seeing it at the time…..)
I spent a lot of time and energy with the new guy in premarital counseling and was struck by how difficult it was to get along…. He was so “broken” that I had a terrible time deciding what to do… stick it out and try harder or reject him – which seemed impossible from the guilt I felt by taking him on my rollercoaster ride of emotions. In my turmoil – I cheated on said boyfriend with a random acquaintence and then recognizing my dissatisfaction in the relationship …. thoughts of the old love creeped in. I made another attempt at contacting him (he accepted and offered an invitation to visit him.. so I ended up ditching my boyfriend on an important weekend and drove to see the old love a few hours away. While there, I was struck by the overwhelming feeling of being in the wrong place and was the rejector – actually in person – this time.
I went home – made amends with my boyfriend he knew where I was that weekend – stopped and promised to stop contact with the old love again (“for real this time!”) and worked at making the relationship work with the new guy. The new guy and I continued counseling – bought a house together – got involved in church together – moved in – got married – had 2 babies since. We fought and had typical problems – he couldn’t communicate well… we still struggle with that – me being needy and him not being able to deliver emotionally.
About 2 years ago I got a call from the old love telling me about the father of a close mutual friend had died… and it started again… I suspect that was the old love’s latest emotional booty call. However – he had been through his own therapy and had more control over his emotions and had seemed to fix himself – he wasn’t pushy – he arrived in my life a new kind of person – not the old one – being understanding and accepting – seemingly re-awakening the part of myself that I had put away – the part which was starved for attention.
Today the old love and I are grappling with our longing of what we missed or what we could have had….. we maintain an email relationship and share some phone calls – I don’t “discuss” my marriage or children with him – but I don’t “not-discuss” things about my marriage either – we seem to feed each other emotionally and entertain each other since our personalities are so compatible and our interests/careers overlap.
There have been two periods of contact with him while I’ve been married – the last of which is where I am now. After the friend’s father’s death we spent some time together during a chance overlap of our schedules in the same city (nothing physical happened) and have acknowledged that our long term friendship has brought us to a place of truly knowing each other and we want the other to be happy with our respective choices. I stopped contact again then to focus on my marriage. And then this year after the marriage seemed hopeless and empty again, I sought a lawyer’s advice on divorce but have since decided to try and reconcile with my husband again. Our family is at a place where my husband has rejected much of the mutual spiritual things we were building at the beginning of our marriage and isn’t helping himself improve (My husband and I are not financially stable, healthy or happy with where we “are” ) Several counselors have mentioned that I’m an enabler and I know I have been feeding his “learned helplessness” from the start.
In my bolder moments I want to rip off the band aid and implode everything and start over on my terms and try to preserve a relationship with Christ – who my husband is having a hard time embracing. I’m truly hurting, starving emotionally and guilty through it all… WHO am I serving if I save myself in this situation – what action whould be the true saving action ….. Any comments from anyone out there are welcome….
So what do you do after you approach your mother about her emotional affair ( at age 74!) and she says she will resolve but not end her friendship with him or let my father know about it. It was very intimate and sexual in their verbage. She wants the three of them to remain friends as they have been for 10 years. She says if we tell Dad it will destroy him. I said she should have considered that before she began. She is making this appear like it is our hand that will destroy him, however she wants to remain friends. My Mom and Dad see him socially, at church… my siblings and I are sick that she will continue or that Dad is clueless to this going o9n. What do we do?
My dear husband of 25 years left me just after that anniversary last year for somebody else. When he announced that he was leaving me for somebody else, he told me that he blamed me for all that went wrong with our marriage. He had an emotional affair with a coworker for years before he finally crossed that final line, moved out of state,divorced me, and married her shortly after our divorce. I was left in (and still am somewhat) in ruins.
He felt he did nothing wrong since they didn’t have sex (according to him) until he walked out on me. Of course, we were still married for several months after he left, but he claims to have a clean conscience.
The betrayal I felt after discovering that he had been sharing our marital problems with somebody who was and still is a complete stranger to mee is something I will never get over. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. And for years he had been stabbing me in the back.
The “other woman” did the same thing to her husband of 27 years.
I am here to tell you that an emotional affair destroys whole families, including children, parents, brothers and sisters. I rips the heart of those of us left behind to lick our wounds. Instead of trying to work on our marriage, he spent time emailing here, text messaging her, calling her, and traveling with her.
I am told daily to “move on”, “get over it” and “forget him”. But my love has not died. I was in that marriage for life. I stood in front of my God and vowed to stay with him all the days of my life. And I meant that. In my private moments I still weep for the person I thought I knew. How can somebody whom you thought deeply loved you lie to your face for years?
With prayer I get through the days and nights alone. I am discovering friendships with women and a sisterhood I’ve never felt before. My life is really going well overall. But this deep sadness, I fear, will always be with me. I miss the man I thought I knew. And I always will. I was blindsided. I trusted him with all my heart. The signs were there but I didn’t see them.
My sweetheart died the day he told me about her. But the empty shell is still out there walking around. And a year later I still can’t believe this was done to me. I hear our 18 year old son occasionally crying quietly at night behind his closed door. And I cry tears for him too.
God has a plan for us. This I know in my heart. And I trust in him to help this pain dull. I have forgiven my husband for what he did. I refuse to let hatred darken my heart. But I will never forget this pain. It’s like death.
I’ve been searching for information on emotional affairs all day. I’m so tired of living a secret life. I fell in love with a married man at the age of 17. (He’s 30 years older than me) He was my youth minister and we became very close. All the warning signs were there…We emailed and IMd every day, our conversations became more and more intimate, he was keeping our relationship from his wife, and we were beginning to get more physical. About a year into our relationship, his wife confronted him and told him she thought we were having an emotional affair. He changed. He never talked to me about it or asked if I was ok. He moved on as if nothing ever happened. It’s been seven years and I’m still hurting. We still keep in touch by email and talk on the phone almost every other week. I see him once or twice a year when I visit home. Sometimes he says things and does things that makes me think he still loves me. I want to get over him, but I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I don’t know how to heal from this situation. No one knows and I dont think Ill ever be able to talk about it with my family and friends. I feel like I am living a lie.
I read every single comment here.
My heart continues to get broken over and over again when I have read each of your stories.
When I was first dating my now ex-wife, she said something to me that protected me to this very day: “I wouldn’t care if you had an physical affair but I will kill you if you had an emotional affair.”
I thought to myself, “Emotional affair? Crap, I never thought about that. That will be one more thing I will have to guard myself against.”
The beautiful irony is that she ended up having an emotional and physical affair with somebody else.
After going through something like this, there is no way I would put anybody else through that pain.
But am I strong enough to protect myself day in and day out?
No. At the moment when I need it most, my own strength will fail on me with epic and disastrous.
Every single freakin’ day, I pray to God to give me his strength and I give up my own. I am not going to make it through life on my own. I have to ask Him to protect me, to armour me, to arm me and to endue me with his strength and endurance.
As I preparing myself to enter ministry as a divorced male, 32 years old with a 5 year old son, I read these comments and it solidifies the fact that I have to look to Him every single day in order to make it. The day when I think I can do it on my own is the day I will fail.
I will pray for you all. Please pray for me.
I commented previously on this blog under a posting related to emotional affairs. My wife had “inappropriate feelings” for a minister (friend of mine) at our church. They talked, shared a few struggles, and hugged. Neither one ever admitted anything to the other – although my wife feels possitively that he would have gone as far as she allowed. She was not seeking anything other than a male presence to replace two significant deaths in her family. I was too busy trying to take care of details and keep our family and ministries going to be giving her the affirmation and affection she needed. He provided spiritual insight and she felt he never judged her (like she felt from me). We are steadily working through our issues.
One step we believe is necessary is for her to explain her distance over the last 6 weeks from him and for me to confront him and ask his forgiveness for my jealousy and resentment. Her feelings for him are remote at this point but I fear whether letting him know some of the effect he had on her will rekindle or extinquish the flames that were there. On the other hand; doesn’t he need to know that his attention had this effect on someone like my wife (not easily involved in “crushes”) that his marriage and ministry could be easily destroyed if he doesn’t put up barriers and make himself accountable to his wife?
David,
This is just me but I feel like we live in the age of accountability. If you came up and told me I am having some type of effect on your wife, I would do WHATEVER it takes to secure the relationship between a man and his wife. I would go as far as to sacrifice my friendship with your wife and would sleep well that night.
I would work with you to make sure we we get this done right. This is not about you not being sensitive to her needs or some ish about your being jealous. We are trying to protect the very likeness of our Creator. It is all about striving for holiness not happiness.
Pam,
You are going to have to cut him out of your life. Protect that marriage. Set yourself free.
Let me ask you: have you dated in the last seven years? Think about that.
Put things in perspective: he doesn’t know how to put up barriers and he is not seeking the righteousness of God in this matter because he is still communicating with you. You are going to have to be a better person in this matter.
Kimberly –
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are living a lie. I just want to be honest with you. You have got to stop this relationship now…cut it off and never speak to this man again. You may not want to…but in order for God to truly be your sole source of dependency, you cannot have this other man, especially married, in your life.
Again, I am so sorry if this comes across as insensitive, but there is nothing pretty about emotional affairs. This man is cheating on his wife with you…HE IS USING YOU. I was emotionally and sexually abused by a youth pastor who was 10 years older than me and when he got married, I felt like I had been emotionally and physically raped. He never spoke to me again and that has helped, but in hindsight I can see how he was USING ME.
Please, find a counselor in your church or a family member to talk with. I know it seems hard, but it is something you must do…and don’t give him the satisifaction of using you one day longer. I promise you this – he does not love you. Look up love in the Bible and you will find his actions do nothing but contridict love.
Ketey – thanks for sharing your story on here. I pray it will reach many…
Lou- That is tough…Can you and your siblings intervene with her, and then help her talk to your dad about it?
Jill – I encouarge you to read some of the comments I have made above…although the circumstances may be different than yours…the action required is not. It is hard…and I will be praying for you, but you must cut off this relationship completely.
Wow, what a fascinating subject…
I used to think I was just imagining this or that scenario — “What would happen if [my husband] and I hadn’t ever met/dated/gotten married?” often involving people I knew in my past.
I never imagined anything “lusty,” I told myself. I never made up scenarios with anyone I have any contact with now. I never imagined myself cheating on my spouse, after all. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, was there?
It was an old old old habit — from before I started dating, back when I was a kid. I didn’t really think it was “that” bad. But how was it helping? Was it doing anything positive for my marriage? (No. Resoundingly, NO.)
I decided last year to give that sort of imagination up for Lent. Odd, I know, but it was the best thing I could have done. It took some concentration and prayer!!!– sometimes I had to actually think the words “NO!” when those old stories came to mind.
It’s hard to break old habits — whether it’s connecting with someone or imagining something in the mind — but you have to replace those habits.
Instead of just trying to break the habit, find a replacement, and not of the same sort. Find a good counselor, a good friend, a family member you can trust.
Do something else with your time, your mind, and your emotions. I sure am glad I did!
Joe,
Thanks. I actually had the conversation with the “other guy” yesterday. Remember, my wife and he never got to the point of sharing feelings with each other but she was differently having feelings for him and felt it was mutual. When my wife shared with him last week, the need to protect her marriage and a little of my jealousy, he responded as surprised. I met with him and he continued going so far as to cover his tracks with “she asked me to talk”, “she stopped by”, “I took what she said at face value”. He’s a minister with a family and I fear he either diliberately used my wife to meet his emotional needs too or he’s just totally clueless. We reconciled, but I’ll never fully trust him and I don’t need to. My wife and I did what we could – I pray God opens his eyes to the dangers of his emotional connections outside his marriage.
On the plus side, my wife’s attachment is OVER :). Sometimes life feels like high school.
Nail on the head!! That’s all I’ll say. I posted a comment on your “I cheated on my spouse” blog, which details my experience.
The questions in the book like “do you dress a particular way based on who will see you” and “anxiously awaiting emails etc”… did them all.
Keep your eyes on Jesus
I am in an emotional affair and I feel a bit like Tammy. Just in a tail spin about how to handle this. Somehow severing the friendship seems extreme. I met this guy at University eons ago and fell in love with him. Didn’t tell him because he had a girlfriend and with the exception of a few slips we just ignored the physical attraction. We were very close. We finished Univeristy and ended up at Grad school together and this time I had a boyfriend. Unfortunately he and my boyfriend shared a best friend and lived in the same complex and became friends too. I was very upset to find at that time that I still had feelings for him and at this stage we admitted that there was a physical element to our feelings but there was nothing to be done about it, we were both in relationships with people we cared deeply for. We both married our respective others and got on with our lives. We have for years been in touch but perhaps recognising the danger of our not strictly platonic feelings, only by email communication maybe twice a year on important stuff. Thankfully we live in different countries. Recently his dad and his brother died within one month of each other and he felt the need to communicate to me how much he loves me and has always loved me. This is 11 years later but it feels like we just skipped 11 years. Since then we email each other once a day. Not enough to occupy my time but it is enough to keep him in my thoughts. I get angry at myself sometimes because I feel like I can’t get him out of my head. We can control the physical because we can keep it so that we never meet but I feel like even if I stopped the communications tomorrow it won’t stop the emotional attachment. It’s always been there. I feel like the fight is not with him, but with myself. I hate the fact that I have feelings for someone other than my husband. It makes me feel like a bad wife and I have tried to be a good wife. I am very busy, a working professional with three kids, serve on numerous church committees and civic bodies. I’m way busy. Doesn’t change anything.
This is an excerpt from Bible.com. Perhaps some or all of it will be helpful to me and others. Much of it has been said already but I like the prayer.
1. Confess this sin first to God, then go to a committed Christian you trust, such as your pastor. Ask God to lead you to someone that you can be accountable with, who will be faithful to pray with you and for you. This will take humility on your part, but it will lead to life. James 5:16 says: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (You may not feel “righteous” but if you have admitted your sin to God and received His forgiveness, you are! That means your prayers are powerful and effective!)
2. Flee from and reject anything that aggravates this sin. For example, you may need to get off the Internet for a season or purchase software that blocks out pornography. This may sound too drastic, but it certainly is mild compared to Jesus who said, “If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to go into Hell” (Matthew 5:30). His point was that we must be willing to part with anything that causes us to sin—even if it hurts temporarily.
3. You may need to seek healing and deliverance from qualified Christians who are anointed in this area of ministry. If you have been deeply involved in sexual sins, the devil probably has a stronghold in that area of your life. If you can, find some people who can help you stand against the devil, for he is the one who seeks to lead you into temptation, and whispers lies of hopelessness and shame into your ears. If he drops a filthy thought into your mind just when you are trying to pray (he has used this tactic on even the holiest saints of God), tell him to leave in the name of Jesus! Recognize his voice for what it is, and submit yourself to God. As you do this and resist the devil, he will flee from you! He is deathly afraid of those who are submitted to God in brokenness and humility.
4. Don’t give up! Deliverance might take time. Self-control takes effort. You may slip occasionally—or even a lot. But remember that God loves you and He will be faithful to perfect His character in you as long you keep submitting to Him. Eventually you will win—and not because of your best efforts, but because of God’s mercy (Titus 3:5). Just as salvation is received in faith, so deliverance must be received in faith. This has nothing to do with our character, strength, or failings. The only thing it is dependant upon is you receiving it in humility. If you should fail, recognize it quickly, ask God to forgive you—and then receive His forgiveness! He is faithful to do that which He promised, not just in a select few mighty men and women of God, but in all who are willing to come humbly before Him. That includes you! We want to encourage you to hold on to this scripture as your anchor:
“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).
If there is anything else we can do to help you, please let us know. In closing, we would like to pray for you:
“Father, we thank you for bringing this person into our website. We know that it was your Holy Spirit that led them here and we thank you for your faithfulness to them! We lift them up to you now and ask that You fill them with a desire for You that transcends every other desire they have ever known. Let them know your cleansing love and power. We thank you that he whom the Son has set free, is free indeed. We speak this freedom into the life of this one whom the devil has bound in shame. We speak healing and deliverance and we break every tie that has kept them under a spirit of addiction and perversion. We stand against the Evil One and his every plan to bring destruction in this one’s life. Father, in faith, and by the power and authority You have given us, we declare that this one is FREE in the name of Jesus! We commit them to Your care and we loose Your Holy Spirit to minister to them at this very instant. We ask these things in the precious name of Your son, Jesus Christ.”
Forgot to include this part.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
I am having an emotional affair and it’s the most painful thing I’ve been involved in, he’s married and so am I. I feel so lost in this mess.
Boy,
I think I am having an emotional affair. I think he may have pursed me as a married woman and i never realized it . We had projects to do and he suggested we meet weekly. At our meeting he is always buying me a beverage or buys a donut to share.
2 weeks ago he got married. His fiance moved up the wedding.
We feel the tenson. He speaks about her. I only speak about my family but not my husband. I am so scared and confused. While he went away to get married and I was on vacation, he send me an email stating “I hope you are feeling strong and happy.”
I fee like a bad wife and christian.
Is this obsession love? I think about him all the time. I think I am in trouble. What do you think?
Jan- It seems like you know what’s going on and I can *guarantee* you severing the relationship is not too extreme. You have promised to forsake all others…and honor your husband. Thank you for posting those verses…I am happy to see you are really working through this. Is there someone you can share this with who can help hold you accountable?
The Other Woman – Please…you must cut off the relationship. Totally. Say goodbye and mean it. Please find a friend who can support you through this. I promise you are not alone…is there someone through your church you can speak with?
Lynn – If I might be honest (and I’ve had someone say these words to me too, so I have been there, trust me)…it sounds like you are playing with fire. Do you work with this man? I really recommend the book “Every Woman’s Battle” – I think it will help you decipher what is a natural attraction but how allowing certain thoughts to linger it will slowly and discreetly turn into more. If you can’t find a copy of the book let me know and I’ll gladly mail you mine.
Anne, thanks
I just purchased it on Amazon
Lynn
“An Emotional Affair”
I just wanted to say that I am a US Marine stationed overseas and I have been apart from my wife and kids for over 1 1/2 years due to deployments to Iraq and Okinawa. Me and my wife are separated only by the deployment, and we love each other very much. I’m due to retire from the Marines in six months and I have every intentions on going back to my wife, but I meet a local woman at my part time job and I have falling into an “emotional affair” with her. I have been doing a lot of reading on this and I feel bad about what I have done not only for my wife but for the women I have been involved with. I have been alone for so long and all I wanted was someone to talk to. I hang with the guys, but its not the same. I have taken her to dinner, parks and other places and all I can think about is the next time. She is single and has been hurt before by another Marine and I know she is confused about the feelings for me because I’m married. I told her how I felt about her and I feel I have hurt her and confused her even more. I want to break it off but, I don’t want to do it in a way it will hurt her worse. I just want her to be happy but I don’t know how to say goodbye without hurting her. This is very confusing for me because it feels like my heart is breaking and I wish I would have never met this women. I just want to be free from this pain. Can anyone give me some advice on this?
Don-
Thanks for coming here and sharing your story. I thank you for the amazing courage you have to serve in the marines and cannot fathom what it must be like to be away from your loved ones for so long. It seems like the environment would be very easy to form an emotional affair with someone else.
I’m not sure of your interaction with her (do you have to see her daily, etc.) but as hard as it is and will be now, you really must stop interacting with her. I know you love your wife but if you are continuing to linger on these feelings for this other woman, you are doing her a disservice, and I’m guessing your a loyal guy – and you don’t want to do that.
It would be very difficult to end this relationship (completely, which is really all you can and must do) but to prolong it would only intensify the pain when it does in. There’s an adage- the longer the agony, the deeper the pain. Cut it off. Set her free (because God has something and someone planned for her!) and set yourself free to be true to your vows.
I am not sure if it’s possible for me to send you books – or even if you’d want them – but there are a couple of great books I would be happy to send that might help you process this and encourage you through the tough times. Just shoot me an email at the Contact Anne link above if you’re interested.
Grace to you, brother…
Anne
Thank you. This whole thing has been hard on me as well as my wife. We have seen three wars together and we have endured them all. Maybe its because of the amount of time away that led me in this direction, I don’t know? But I do work with this other women each day and it is hard, but she or I can not afford to quit. Money is hard to come by and it’s really needed. Yes I do work with her but, that is work and it stays on a professional level. Weekends are another story. You say God has a plan for her? I wish I knew what it was? She has endured so much as well, and I feel so bad for her. Maybe that is why I feel the way I do. My feelings for her are not sexual at all, but a friendship. We don’t hold hands or even kiss. We talk and enjoy the company. But what led me to believe I fell in the area of having an emotional affair is how i feel when I am not with her. Anne I do feel bad, and I also feel bad for the other women but I have been alone for so long and the interaction with another women even if it’s just talking; is so important to me. I speak to my wife either by phone or internet at least four times a week but the conversations have gone from love to how are the kids to, do you need money? I don’t blame her because as a military man and being deployed for such a long time the spouse tends to find there own way and they don’t count on the other to get things done. She has had to do with out me so long and I guess I feel like I’m not needed at times. I have told my wife how I felt but I get the feeling she would rather not think about me because it makes the pain of me being gone, easier to bare. Just speaking to someone has already helped. I have cleared my head since the last post and I have begun the process of closing the book. But I cant help feel like I’m loosing someone special. People have told me many times that I’m a big softy and that I care to much. I don’t see this as a problem but I do see allot of people come to me to try and solve there problems. I have always been this way stemming from high school. A girl would come to me with a problem (boyfriend issues) and it would be a girl I wanted to be with. So maybe I’m prone to emotional affairs and then again I may be just rambling on? I’m just trying to figure this all out. I have never cheated on my wife and I don’t want to start now but I just can say good bye to this other woman knowing I’m gonna crush her. Their has to be a better way? But whatever the plan God has I hope its a good one and I hope he lays a hand on her and provides her with a life that is long and free of pain. Thank You
Thanks Anne. I have been trying to work through it on my own. When he told me he loved me I did contact my best friend (who has been such since we were kids and knows all the parties very well) and vented because I couldn’t believe it. I felt like “how dare he do this to me now”. I think had he been in front of me I would have wanted to kick him. She of course warned me of the dangers right off and told me about another friend who had just had an affair and divorced her husband. As my communications with him increased I haven’t updated her because I know I’ll get a tongue lashing. I think I’ll update her though. She is overseas so we don’t talk often. I think I would feel too embarrassed to speak to my priest and I feel like he would lose respect for me. I could be wrong, but I would sooner go to a psychiatrist except I don’t really need one cause I know what I have to do. I really appreciate your help and this website because I know I am communicating with people who really understand the power and gravity of an emotional affair and don’t trivialise it just because there is no sex. May God bless you today and always and keep you stengthened to deal with the rest of us.
I have always understood the danger of improper boundaries when it comes to how spouses deal with other people of the opposite sex in various arenas of their life.
I take vary careful, preemptive measures to not share my emotional life with another woman under any circumstance.
My story has similarities to many on this board. The short story goes soemthing like this:
My wife has had a number of previous emotional affairs. The first was while we were dating. We had a long-distance thing going for 6-8 months, and she started an emotional relationship with another guy (which led to minor physical actions…kissing). After we were married, she spent tons of time with a co-worker, talked to him on the cell-phone for the whole 40-minute commute, and would meet on weekends to work-out together. I caught that one after randomly looking at a cell-phone bill that was irregular. Now, my story has gotten worse. This time, it was new emotional affair with another coworker that led to adultery numerous times. Now, my wife has decided to leave me and is already pursuing another relationship with a new person.
I’ve learned a lot (by necessity) about emotional affairs and how dangerous they are. I have a few warnings to anyone who has found themselves in similar situations. To anyone who is involved in an emotional affair, whether woman or man, STOP IT…at all costs. I have shortcomings as a husband (and will readily admit them), but when a spouse “has options,” the other spouse can never be “good enough.” One of the worse things a person can believe is that the “grass is greener” somewhere else. It’s just not true, especially when moving from one pasture to another means rejecting God’s truth. I think you have to spend lots of time focusing on the positives of your spouse and continue to pray that the Holy Spirit would work in that spouse’s life to change the things that need to be changed. Be sure to especially guard yourself when things aren’t as great in your relationship as they have been in the past.
I have a few questions for those that frequent this post…
What do you do when a spouse just doesn’t see (or chooses to ignore) the danger of emotional affairs?
How do you convince them that what they are doing and have done in the past is dangerous and damaging to themselves and their marriage relationship?
What lessons do I need to learn from this?
Thanks for the help…and God bless.
I have spoke of this in many relationships I have been in. And many women do not believe such a thing exists. That they are somehow unaffected to such a thing, for that matter so are many men.. I have experienced both side and have had other act upon their desires.. gaurding your self from situations (speaking from experience) sure does help a lot.
[…] Jackson wrote a short story called An Emotional Affair, and she openly talks of the lines we allow ourselves to blur because we can…because we can […]
I’m 22 and was in uni when I met someone through known friends. Almost everyday for three weeks, at his request, I exhibited & explained my drawings (which I did on a recreational basis).
Through my art, he got to know me in such depth I never intended. And I was slow to realize this until it was too late, that he wasn’t just fascinated with my art for art’s sake, but drawn to the artist behind the creativity and ideas. He was also very open with his affections and made it know to everyone verbally and by his actions.
I have guarded my heart and had my share of turning guys down. People knew I was not interested in a relationship but it never deterred them, so I was always careful to not be too emotionally attached.
But with him, I had let my guard down because he was married with a son my age. To me, he was safe. He spoke of his family (his wife is a pastor), my friends knew him well (and had contacts with his wife) and he was honest and genuine from the very beginning. With him, I felt no need to defend myself. I treated him like a friend and was fond of his wit and charm. And this man, who was the most arrogant person I’ve ever seen in front of my peers, was humble, considerate and indulgent with me. I…enjoyed myself immensely.
I offered him a handshake but he hugged me farewell. We sipped champagne and declared it was the beginning and not the end.
Since then, we wrote. Letters, littered with our thoughts, difficulties and plans. He lives one continent away from his family and I stay two continents from him.
But because we shared so much, he knew my thoughts as if it were his. And took pains to glean my moods by requesting songs I listened, to be attached with my replies although he found my taste to differ much from his.
We hold very similar values but grew even more alike as he taught me constructiveness and I reminded him how to live.
When my friends returned and visited him, with them, he spoke too much of me and confessed that he thought of me often. I found it was unhealthy to miss him and think of him and underwent emotional and mental withdrawal as damage control. And I busied myself but his letters brought a smile to my lips. His pictures, taken in conferences and business trips, with his colleagues, shown me his eyes. And in my pictures, I sent him snapshots of my life.
Is this platonic?? I do not know. But several time zones away, my words of encouragement reach him as he struggled with deadlines. And he made sure I was first to know of his success. And when I sadden, he responded swiftly with compassion and romantic affection.
To simplify things (or not), I declared he was akin a parental figure to disperse dissent. Early when we met, he said he had always wanted a daughter like me. After several letters, we reverted back to signing our letters off with our forenames like before.
Several months later, I ceased to write as he did, but after, we picked up again when he reminded me that I am his daughter and I admitted that I was his.
For whatever reason, he would write his schedule, the things he was doing, time lines and places he would visit, he made sure I knew. He confided even his weaknesses and shortcomings in dealing with his wife and family to which I always made no comment.
I spoke about myself and told him everything I did and people I hanged out with. And he wrote me even though he was too busy because I told him once that, it was cruel to make me wait.
The truth is, I aspire to live a life free of regrets and ‘what ifs’. I did not stop to contemplate and ponder till forever as to whether I should care for him, I just do. Because life is short and I recognize that this time when he walks with me side by side on my path to discover & create my life is so limited, for however long it lasts, it shall be treasured.
I am now currently in another city attending a professional course far from my ex Uni, but he, going to my previous city on business, shall fly over to see me regardless. I am now friends with his son. He knows it and he encourages our conversations. But we had conveniently not mentioned to his son that we keep in close contact.
Maybe you would say to me: No No No, to not venture on, but, one day I shall die, ashes to ashes and dust to dust. And my memories shall be reduced to carbon and nothingness. But God shall know, and so shall you: that this man gave me nothing but a love between that of a parent’s and lover’s so that I could be more than I am. So, we both flourished beyond our means.
Anyway, he has a high-flying job and I shall qualify as a promising young professional within one year. And of course I know better than to let this become anything physical.
And our meetings, interactions and letters, I have documented like a story with no end in sight.
Tell me my fault and then may skies weep and break.
Please help me….I believe that I am in an emotional affair. My best friend has brought to my attention that I too am a victim of this heart renching term. About 8 years ago, I met a man that we both had an instant attraction. After about 3 weeks of him chasing me all over town (he’s a police officer and I am a realtor) we finally gave into each other and started meeting places to see each other. We have kissed more passionatly then anyone that I’ve ever kissed before. We have been so detailed regarding our personal lives. He has told me for years that he feels more comfortable talking to me than he does his own spouse. We have tried to break it off before, but always for whatever reason end up right back together. We talk every single day. He has even told me recently that I was his best friend and that I know more about him then his wife does. We don’t deny that we love each other. We haven’t had intercourse (although we’ve been very intimate with each other). When we try to stay away from each other we (espically him) look for reasons to get back in the other ones life. I am so confussed and upset. I love this man so much. Is he really just my best friend or could he possibly be my soul mate? Could this attraction to each other simply be because we’ve not yet had sex? If we had sex could this all be over for the both of us or is there a strong connection there? I’ve even sold his home for them. If he has to make a decision, somehow he always ends up asking me what I think. I seem to not be able to move on with my life because of my feelings for him. I need someone to help me in my state of utter confussion.
My husband had a serious emotional affair. I ended it back in feb. He says that he has no feelings for this woman and has had no contact at all. They both work at a large Medical Facility. They used to work the same shift but out of respect for me he switched shifts. Her husband was never told the whole story. I am wrong for not telling him? I just felt why hurt someone else. Also is it really possible for him to have no residual feelings? We are doing well and he has changed 100% in the way he treats me. He is much kinder and caring. Do I need to worry that if things ever get”bad” again that he will be looking for someone other than me? I work very hard to keep communication going. He is not one who likes to talk about his feelings. (at least with me) but he does I just have to prompt him. He has told me everything that he remembers about certain events and someof it was painful for him to say and for me to hear. I honestly feel that I can and do trust him. I just don’t want to be a fool twice.
MJ
Maggie,
Great questions and wish I had the answers for you. Instead, I’ll share a little of my story and offer some advise. My wife experienced an “emtoinal affair” with a friend of ours from church. They never outright confessed their feelings for each other (or got more physical that a hug every time they saw it each other) but all the signs where there. In fact, my wife believes he would have gone as far as she let him. She became convicted and stopped finding ways to spend time with him a week or two before I confronted her with my suspicions. She then ended up telling him that she had shared things with him that belonged to me. He acted surprised and wanted to make things right.
I have even talked with him and told him his “brotherly friendship” with my wife made me feel jealous. He’s taken my comments to heart and even changed some ways he interacts with women (he’s in ministry).
He used to be one my best friends and I’m deeply hurt over how to interact with him. His never come right out and asked my forgiveness or admitted wrong; instead said things like “don’t want to be a stumbling block”, aplogize if I did something wrong. I wish he’d be a man and admit what was going on his head and what really drove the way he was treating my wife (sorry – separate topic and OBVIOUSLY still an area that I need God’s help in healing).
As far as I know, his wife is clueless about my wife’s feelings for her husband. I doubt he’s told his wife anything either. I sometimes wish she had been told as protection for both our families. Like you, I can’t help wondering IF anything would ever happen. We have not left the church, our teenagers are strongly connected to it and so are we (leading a ministry). We do avoid as much contact as possible and my wife is very open about times when she has contact with him without me around.
There was a tremendous amount of outside circumstances that led to my wife’s choices and yes, she knows it was wrong and I know I wasn’t meeting all her needs and we are working on that. I think that’s the best protection for our future. Her feelings for him where very much like a strong crush and it feeling like an addiction is very true. Don’t underestimate it’s power but don’t get stuck obsessing over it happening again. I know it’s a fine line and truthfully, I haven’t found a happy medium most days :)
It does take time for the emotional attachment to dim but your spouses feelings for you and the marriage will return and will follow his decision and committment to remain with you. Please make the time to work on your relationship. Dave Carder’s book Torn Asunder and accompanying workbook are good resources. My wife and I are working through it – s-l-o-w-l-y. It’s painful but growth usually is – don’t give up. May God grant you wisdom, courage, strength and His peace as you walk this journey.
Dave
Hi Anne,
I remembered reading a post of yours awhile back that I think was titled “I Could Cheat on my Husband” and while it was so thought provoking for me and led to self examination, somehow I still had an emotional affair recently. It didn’t hit me until I was at the Catalyst Conference and Craig Groeschel (your new boss soon!) shared how he prayed that we would be disturbed. Well the Spirit was there and I was distrubed. I realized I was having inappropriate thoughts and feelings that my therapist informed me was an emotional affair. I didn’t want to believe it at first – he was just a great friend, someone I connected with not someone I wanted to sleep with. Oh, maybe I did. The next couple weeks after the conference was spent in prayer, in therapy working through my feelings, drawing boundaries I needed to put in place, and preparing myself to tell my hubby. My therapist said it would bring great intimacy to share something like that and I wanted that so I told him last Thursday and it wasn’t until Saturday that I was confident in my decision. He was so distant, I felt so ashamed and it felt like our marriage was falling apart. And then he reached out to me. Unselfishly, he affirmed me and showed his love for me even though he didn’t feel like it. He let his actions lead, knowing his feelings would follow. He was completely unselfish. He extended grace to me. (no tattoo for me though!) Almost a week later, I thought about your blog and decided to make a visit. Seeing the Emotional Affair link was exciting and after reading it over, it affirms me more that my marriage is stronger and I made the right decision.
[…] Emotional Adultery […]
Wow, where to begin. At first, I was a little skeptical about reading these blogs. I have been battling the after effects of an emotional affair by myself for the past two years and due to the complicated series of events and the dismissal that it ‘wasn’t a real affair’ by co-workers and friends, I’ve always beat myself up thinking I am a ‘loser’ for not just ‘getting over it’
The truth is I am in alot of unbearable pain and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Starting from the beginning…I had an emotional affair with my married boss for over two years. We worked in the restaurant business which provided a very stressful intimate working environment and our relationship mainly consisted of phone calls, text messages, looking at one another for long periods of time, and lunch dates when his wife was at work. Our relationship was not consistent. He would fall out of my life for two or three months and then call as if everything was normal. We fought, made up, fought again, made up. At the time I thought I was madly in love but I was too afraid to admit to the feelings or say anything because I come from a family of high morals and values with parents that have been happily married for 26 years. I literally bullied myself everyday for being such a ‘horrible person’ for having these feelings for a married man.
What didn’t help was his aloof attitude towards his wife. Which in my weak mind at the time justified why he was seeking attention from me. I kept thinking he was going to leave her, have some time for himself and come find me. I thought this was okay..so I waited and waited and waited. Our last conversation was 2 years ago in which he told me ‘he had to start thinking about her’. I didn’t leave my room for days, I was a mess. I was consumed.
I took a transfer from our store and started fresh. I made new friends and I was doing great, until I decided to move to another state to further my fresh start. The day of my move, I found out through a friend that his wife was expecting their first baby. I remember falling to the ground and sobbing. I thought I was doing okay, but I felt the pain all over again.
The fact of the matter is, is that she just had the baby, its been 9 months, but I am stuck in this sadness and I can’t move on. I cry all the time, I am moody and I now fully resent the aspects of having a child even though its something I desire more than anything in life. When I see babies I get angry, and when I see newborns I feel bitter. I find these negative feelings unbearable, but I really feel as if he was given a chance to start over and get away with everything and I was left in ruins.
What makes it worse in my mind, is that through all the pain, I took responsibility for my actions and apologized to him for our behavior, hoping he would be mature and do the same. He did not. How can I deal with all of this? Help!
Amy,
Thanks for comng by and sharing your story. Emotional relationships
are SO hard. With the man you were involved with, from a completely
objective standpoint – it is clear that he (I’m sorry for sounding
harsh here) was being very selfish and unfair to both his wife and
you. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Since he did make the decision to stay with his wife and have a
family, I know you know you have to respect that. However, as he was
so selfish, I ask that you do not let this man take any more of your
life away from you! You deserve so much more of what life has to
offer! He is not worthy of your love for one more day…even one more
minute.
Something I have found that has helped me through so many emotional
tragedies has been therapy. It has been worth EVERY penny and
I would have paid twice for it. I highly recommend looking into it.
It has honestly been a lifesaver and has given me so much strength
over the last few very tough years.
I am praying for you today!
I have desired therapy for a while; a person to talk to who could give me a different perspective on things, help with some guidance from an unbiased view. As of right now, though, I am working a job where I can not yet qualify for insurance- thus, no therapy. In fact, I can not qualify until I’ve been with the company for a year which is next July.
I am a waitress. I can not afford the expensive costs of therapy without insurance. I have contacted a therapist who offered me counseling for $50 a session; this is simply too much for me at this time..I am stuck!
I have days where I am desperate, I want out. I want out of these feelings of unworthiness from the affair, I want out from the insecurity, the feelings of being second best or at times, not good enough at all. My self-esteem is in the gutter and I just don’t know what to do. I eat for comfort..which isn’t good either.
I feel like I’ve lost everything in a man I’ll always love for not one good reason. I think about him every day and it’s been almost two years since I’ve heard his voice. Thats a good thing, I keep telling myself, better to leave it be and learn to except everyday that I’ll never see him again. I do believe that my feelings are valuable and are unworthy of this treatment. However, that doesn’t stop me missing him. I have run out of patience with my heart. I am agitated and angry. I am bitter and short. I feel myself turning into a mean person. And I am not, a mean person, I am a good person with a big heart.
I feel like love itself has thrown the towel in on me. I believe there
s no one out there for me. I feel like I’ll always be alone. I feel like he was the love of my life and I’ll never feel the same way for anyone again. A part of me doesn’t want to.
I guess the reason why I am writing this is because I was wondering if anyone knew of any alternatives to expensive therapy without insurance? Are there are free hotlines or anything?? When I feel like this (what I’ve written) I cry because I want therapy so bad. I want to move on. I want to let go, I just don’t know how to stop thinking about him everyday. Its easier done than said.
I recently caught my spouse in an emotional affair and have confronted him. I am pregnant with our first child and we have been married for three years. I know this is an attack on our marriage and I refuse to let Satan win. I love my husband too much to turn my back on him and our marriage. I have been in constant prayer and have reached out to other spiritual friends to lift him and our marraige up so it can be saved. Even though he knows I know, he still continues to call this person. It is hard, but I am trying to stay strong and know that God is in control of the situation. I guess its hard because I know he has to be the one to break it off with this woman or vice versa. Any advice/words of encouragement are much appreciated. I am trying to stay strong and tell him every day that I love him.
[…] about. She writes articles about em. Most of em for Relevant Magazine, but be sure to check out AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. As I state in the description to that last link, I can’t really do justice to reviewing Anne […]
I am 52, and have been married for 24 years. My husband is a very good person, and I love him very much. But somehow, for about the last 10 months, I have found myself in a friendship which has become an emotional affair for both of us. My husband is not a Christian, and my friend is. Like myself, he is married and his wife is not Christian. What started out as a Christian friendship has become an emotional entanglement. In addition to being morally wrong, it’s an unhealthy relationship as well, with emotional manipulation on his part being part of the relationship. I’ve been in counseling over this for 5 months. Currently, he is angry with me, and has been for about 3 weeks. My punishment is no contact from him until he is “ready”. I view this as God’s intervention, because it’s forced me to see both him and our relationship as it really is, and I have decided to end our relationship. What hurts so much is that it’s our mutual love of our Lord that draws us together,and is the basis for why we love each other. It is this spiritual aspect of our relationship that i will miss the most. My question to you is a very simple one. How do I stop the feelings I have? The only pain i have experienced that could compare, was the grief I felt when my mother died. Except this feels even worse. Are there any books you can recomend that would help?
Lisa,
My wife and I faced an emotional affair last Spring. It was difficult to overcome but healing has and does continue to occur. A book written from a women’s perspective that was very beneficial to my wife was Judy Starr’s Enticement of the Forbidden. It deals specifically with the unique things that make up an emotional affair. Dave Carders book Torn Assunder is an excellent book on affairs in general and does contain information specific to emotional affairs. Working through his workbook was beneficial to my wife and my relationship.
God bless – prayers are with you.
Amy – I’m reading your plea for counseling options a few months after the request. For folks who do not have insurance, and live in larger cities, there are usually community-based counseling services that have sliding scales depending upon your income. Start with your local Dept of Health/Humans Services office and ask for counseling options. Also, if you live near a university, check in to options for counseling by students (who are supervised by qualified professionals). Sometimes those services can be cheaper or at least negotiated up front depending on your financial situation.
I hope this message finds you in a better place. Be strong.
Amy-contact local churches in your community to see if any offer free counseling. Many have counselors or trained lay persons who provide this service for free. Also, United Way Agencies often have grants that allow for counseling on a sliding scale fee. If you belong to a church, see if there is a therapist who attends who can make recommendations. I attend a large church and since joining, have offered free counseling to one of the members (who I have no personal connections to) based on referrals from ministers or other members. There should be a way for you to get the help you need.
Hope this helps.
My eyes were opened to this recently, and now I see signs of it every where. Too often we find ourselves running to someone we feel can help us feel like we are wanted or more complete, at the sacrifice of those we are linked to. The tendency is to give up on those you are linked to and seek instant gratification with another.
the lack of emotional intimacy in marriages seems to be rampant as many couples rush the altar looking for that physical intimacy and neglecting the things that drive us.
It is my hope that each person who is seeking to exchange vows will find a married couple they respect to mentor them.
I just commented on the sex rule post and then saw this post in the sidebar. Thanks for being open and vulnerable!
[…] https://annemariemiller.com/?p=149 […]
I am guilty of this. And more and more, God has reached to me, especially these days. I hate myself because of it and I feel unforgivable. I haven’t told my spouse because I know it would destroy her but I would rather let the guilt kill me than see one tear from her eyes fall because of me.
God has shown me the light. And I will run with all haste.
[…] She’s Authentic. If you don’t believe me just read this post she wrote entitled “emotional affair” or this article entitled “Dirty […]
Something that really helped me with my struggle with an emotional affair was the Life Application Study bible’s notes in the book of Proverbs (New Living Translation). The first nine chapters of Proverbs deal with God’s wisdom. In the notes for chapter 2, verses 16,17 it says(I am slightly paraphrasing), “sexual enticement appeals to the empty heart. By looking to God, we can fill our heads with his wisdom and our hearts with his love. Don’t be fooled–remember what God says about who you are and what you are meant to be. Ask him for strength to resist these temptations.”
Paul wrote so much about fleeing sexual immorality and being true to your spouse. Ephesians chapter five comes to mind.
I also remembered what Rick (Humphrey Bogart) says at the end of “Casablanca” to Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman)…it’s something like, “If you don’t get on that plane, you’ll regret it (she shakes her head no) and he says, “Oh, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life”. That quote reminds me of Proverbs, chapter five. Although the advice in Proverbs is directed toward men, women should head it as well.
IMO, the romantic feeling of being “in love” and “paid attention to” is a huge ego trip and to a large degree a false one. Romantic love is nothing compared to God’s love. God is crazy about you! He created you, he is jealous, he knows you better than you know yourself, let alone better than another human being can, and he wants you. He wants you to love him THE MOST. He DIED for you! Don’t build a false idol out of romance or sexual attraction. Someone who truly loves you will NOT want you to sin.
When I started loving God the most I was able to love and forgive my spouse more and more and we are much closer than we ever have been. He’s joined the church and he’s much more affectionate. My pastor suggested that we pray together and this has been very helpful to communicate our gratefulness for each other and apprecation of each other. It also is a way to ask for God’s help in the areas we are still struggling in.
We both had horrific childhoods and are badly injured inside, but God is healing us, and for that I am so grateful. Yes, you go through grief and mourning when you give up someone that’s not good for you, because you cared about them and it was an important thing (addiction? distraction?) to you. We’re sinners and we’re all confused. But obey God! He’s smarter than us! “The fear of the Lord is wisdom, and insight means shunning evil.” I just don’t think God created us to think we were smarter than him…lol Hence, that commandment about adultery… What is the Greatest Commandment? “Love the Lord with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind” and the second is like it, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. How would you like your spouse doing this to you?
I think this guy I was so attracted to and I were both using each other to distract ourselves from our own pain and sin, and that our sinful natures were lying to us and denying that the healing we needed actually needed to be from God, and not from each other.
I guess I am much happier now that I am “obsessing” on God and not this other guy, because God really loves me and doesn’t want me to sin and be a jerk and I feel good about that. The peak experiences of my life were when I felt I was experiencing God’s love and being truly loved, loving and forgiving, and behaving how I thought God wants us to behave.
It’s good for me to keep my eyes on the prize in heaven, and not this world and its false and lustful charms. The delusion that sinning will make you happy is just that–a delusion. For me, real love and true love=real happy :)
Please pray for me and all of us to have the Spirit of God and the fruits of the Spirit, to lead godly lives…God’s strength does it for me, not my own…it seems that I find my true self when I lose my self and find God. Hard lessons from God…
I’m an emotional adulterer.
For four or five years I’ve been in an increasingly close and emotionally intimate relationship with a woman at work. I love my wife more than anything on this earth, and I know my friend is deeply in love with her husband.
I’m also in love with my “friend” though. I talk to her daily, work with her four days a week, and spend time with her outside work at least two times a week. It’s never been more physical than the a occasional hug… Until a couple night’s ago at work when she was feeling ill. I reached out and gave her ha d a squeeze, “innocently” enough, but we ended up lingering there, holding hands for a full minute while I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb.
It was incredibly tender, and I’m incredibly ashamed.
Pray that I’m strong enough to stop this now!
Lobster,
Please make the necessary changes now – that means stop spending time with this woman and reinvest your emotional energy in your marriage. You are not strong enough on your own to resist this temptation. FLEE !Intellectually, you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. A friendship is never stagnant, it’s either growing or dying – that’s why we should not cultivate oppositie sex friendship without our spouses invovlement and why we need a policy of absolute honesty with our spouse about temptations and they need to feel freedom to express concerns about things they see in the relationship we choose to have.
Christ will give you strength but it will take you time to heal. Please get another man in your life to be accountable to who can help you also.
My wife struggled with an emotional affair. I literally could see her love for me and *gulp* her love for the other man (one of my best friends). The signs and symptoms of an emotional affair are like those of an addiction. It’s truly like what Paul said when he wrote “I do the things I don’t want to do”.
The attraction between my wife and this man had probably always existed but due to struggles in each family they found each other and started toying. Their relationship never progressed to anything more physical than hugs but the emotions were raw and had either one said something out loud – I shudder to think what would have happened.
Her telling me and choosing me and asking me to walk along side her has been bringing healing and restoration into our marriage. We are coming up on a year since the news broke. Our 20th anniversary is later this summer.
Please, please get as far away from the other woman as possible – I know it sounds hard and harsh but it is the best for your marriage and hers.
God’s blessing, comfort, peace and strength to you!
God bless you each one for your comments… I wished I’d read them 3 years ago before becoming involved with a man at work. There is NOTHING healthy about an emotional affair.. all the praying, loving, counseling you do “together” is not God-honoring.. it is spouse-defiling. It feels so good/great/awesome/exhilarating and “right” at the time.. but then why are we hiding it?
I’ve cried a thousand tears, and read books including “When Godly People Do Ungodly Things” by Beth Moore (highly recommended!). No doubt emotional affairs (and there is no other word for it except for maybe “entanglements”) are Satan’s latest and greatest attack on God’s people. And don’t say “Ooh, but I would NEVER..” because you can and you would. None of us are exempt from attack. It’s a nasty web we weave from the first time we deceive.. Only throwing on the light will chase away the dark.
If you read my comment posted here, I’d appreciate your prayers. It’s been 9 months since I’ve been out of it (thanks be to God my husband found out and was forgiving), but the pain and the missing lingers daily. And please pray for the “other”–he is struggling, too.
God is forgiving.. He will see us all through; and what Satan means for his evil plans, God allows for His ultimate good ones. We can trust that through the pain.
My prayers are with you, each one, as you find your way through your tangled messes. May our God be glorified. I am surely, certainly, praying for you, dear.
Though we were wealthy, my childhood was not entirely peaceful, laced with many comings and goings of an ambitious dad on frequent business trips, translating to a deep-set insecurity with men.
Somehow it doesn’t show on the surface for I never allowed the hurt to. But it does wrench my heart very much to forever not been able to trust a man totally to not leave me at some point.
My dad was also a man who valued me on how well I performed in school and arts, and I, craving his love would strive to earn his approval by excelling.
And that I did well. So well that my dad shown every sign of loving me.
One day I met a man who is the exact anti-thesis of my dad, charming, engaging, loving and married. Our introduction was entirely unplanned but it began something which I couldn’t stop later on.
My male friends were alternately jealous, angry, distruptive but I maintained the stance the view that they who commented on our ‘friendship’ to be childish jealousy for nought. What I didn’t know then was: apparently they were wiser than I and saw all the signs I was very much blinded from.
I fell hard. I struggled. Failed even deeper.
Although I had done nothing physical but shared a dozen hugs or so with this man I so loved, our relationship/friendship is making us both resent our relationship with others we were supposedly closed to.
Because of work, he lives far from home. And due to studies, I live far from home. We stay far apart but he would via business trips, make his way to seek my company.
I will not deny that our attraction could be sexual but we both as devout Christians have never done anything untoward (physically at least), only supporting and encouraging and loving each other desperately).
Sometimes, I feel I am insane because I know deep down this must not be, but emotionally I am helpless.
Please advise quickly.
L
So, ok…I think it is easy to get into a situation where you appreciate attention, and maybe hunger for it. And I have dealt with that in the past. But what if your husband has truly checked out emotionally. I mean what if, you are honest with him (he is a christian) and he is not concerned. I think, no I know that He loves me. But He has just simply emotionally bailed. I feel abandoned. I don’t want anyone else, and I am not doing the emotional affair thingy, but it almost feels as if He is. hmmmm. Any advice?
Lolita,
I think you should try loving your bf. And not the man already married simply because there will be no future. It seems like both of you just found what you’ve both been needing- indulgence, companionship and love.
But are you indulged, accompanied and loved enough, Lo by a man who cannot even give you the whole of himself?
Nathan
This is the first time I have ever read your blog. There is a lady in our church who reads your blog all the time and forwards them to our pastor. He mentioned your blog in a recent devotion, so I clicked on the link and thought I would check it out for myself. I read the one he referenced, but as I scrolled down I found this one titled emotional affair. It could not have come at a more appropriate time and it is so comforting to know we are not alone in our situations or problems. I know wholeheartedly God brought me to this blog for the mere reason to encourage me and continue to set me on the right path.
Nine months ago I went to a conference with a friend of mine. I met a man there that I really enjoyed meeting and talking to. He asked if he could e-mail me sometime. I said no, what would be the point because was and still is married. However, he proceeded to call just to say it was nice meeting me, this and that, and that should have been it. Then the e-mail came. I responded back and what started out as small and what you think harmless turned out to be an all out affair. He finally told his wife and they are currently working through it. Please pray for this situation. On my part, I lost my husband to cancer almost three years ago. I was so starved for attention and love that I found it in the completely wrong place. I saw the warning signs but proceeded anyway.
The point I want to make is to know where one crosses the boundary. I am reading a book now entitled boundaries where it talks about recognizing where not to cross. All the things you mentioned in your blog hit it right on the head. If you linger on a thought or are dressing in the hopes you will see them, all of that is wrong and crossing a boundary. God will show the signs if we will not ignore them and pay attention. I am trying that in my own life now so that it will never happen again. I don’t think anyone goes out purposefully looking for an affair. It happens one little step at a time-the thought and then the thought leads to action. It did in my case because I never thought in a million years I would get caught up in something like that. Sin isn’t partial to anyone. It can happen to anyone if we don’t guard ourselves in prayer and reading God’s word.
I know we can also be subject to the devil taking a circumstance and turning it against us. My husband was a Godly man who loved the Lord. We had an amazing marriage and I miss him dearly everyday. Somewhere in my grieving I lost my focus in God having a plan for my life still and just got angry with Him. That is when the attention from another came in and I gave into temptation. Being 34 and widowed is hard, but it will never excuse an affair. I am so thankful He took care of the situation where I felt I couldn’t. Having him go back to his wife was the best and the right thing to do for both of us. It is still a struggle, but I am abiding in God’ s grace and mercy day by day. I am having faith that He will continue molding me into what He wants me to be. I am just so sorry for the disobedience and loosing so much ground for Him. I know however as in all things that He will work it for His good and perhaps my words and thoughts can prevent this from happening to someone else.
Dear Ellen,
If you come back to read this blog, this is for you! I feel we are in the same boat in trying to the right thing, but struggling. I am going to commit to praying for you that your marriage will be fully restored. I pray as time goes on your thoughts of the other will fade. I can understand because the man I was involved with went back to his wife and they are trying to work it out. We are both struggling because we felt deeply for one another. Keep clinging to the fact that God will be faithful in working this out. He will give you the grace and strength everyday to make it. Time will heal and make a difference. Just be blessed in the fact that you are doing the right thing and with that God will honor it and show you His amazing goodness for the future!
Jennifer
I have just found this site and will go and buy the book tomorrow. My situation is different – the man I find myself in love with (yes, today I finally admitted the truth of my emotional attachment) is single, so am I. The problem? He does not know my Jesus. And I know there is no room for dating a non-christian without compromising the relationship I have with God. We work on a committee together (over a year), I avoided him for a long time, but since June this year we talk or IM almost everyday, and there is definitely more than business going on. There has been no physical contact (we only meet at the committee events) but emotionally I am really involved.
I feel like I cannot run away as I have made commitments to the committee. I know until November I have to stay on due to some projects. I have told him that he needs to know Christ, and given him a book to read. But, at issue is – what do I do??? Do I cut and run from the committee after November or do I see out the full year (just been appointed for another 12 months)?
Yes, I will get this book, and I will go and speak with a girlfriend tomorrow. Any other advice welcome. Thanks for this website!!!!
This is SO good. I know a woman that needs to hear this. But I’m not sure how I could direct her to it without offending her. This is her though.
I just found out a few days ago that my husband is having an emotional and probably physical affair.
I am devasted to say the least. It was with someone I know and that makes it worse. Its someone I just had a gut feeling wasn’t on the up and up. Based on what I have been able to find out, they have shared intimate details about us, have talked at 5…6 in the morning, have sent each other text messages and pictures. He flat out asked her if she ‘wanted” him. I am SICK. I am ANGRY. The weirdest thing is I have this overwhelming desire to go out and “cheat” on him as if someone else will make the pain go away… make us even….or hurt him as much as he hurt me. I won’t-but its amazing how quickly the enemy works on your mind when it is vulnerable and wounded. Anyone who reads this that knows the words of prayer-please pray for me, my husband. Pray that 1st of all he has the courage to admit everything that happened or allow the Spirit of God to reveal to me all truth so we start clean. Put my husband in a place of humility-instead of HIM feeling like”he” is the victim and I am overreacting..blah blah blah.. Lastly, that God will reveal to me what to do next..I feel stuck and I don’t know whether to cry, throw something or just crawl under the bed. I am embarrassed and tired. Just pray for us..and I will remember all of your struggles in my prayers as well.
To those of you struggling with getting out of one…if you are married-IT IS NOT WORTH IT. the devastation that they will feel is not worth a feel good phone call…a smile when you get that risque text..or that excitement that comes with that email. if you truly love your spouse..TELL THEM WHAT IS HAPPENING AND THAT YOU NEED THEIR HELP TO BE DELIVERED-God will honor your honesty and give you guys a grace to overcome. Satan can only work in secret..and man “he does his job well.”.
Cricket, praying for you even now.
I posted here once under a different name and email. That post was 18 months ago. I was deeply involved in an emotional affair. We didn’t get sappy. We didn’t tell each other we were in love. We were. That much was obvious. He was my rock, and I his.
I didnt’ take Anne’s advice. I didn’t end the friendship, but I did place my emotions on hold. In fact, I thought they were gone. We could be friends. We got to keep the decent parts of what we had, and stop standing so close and sharing our deepest thoughts about life.
Last week he was in my home. We spoke, chatted and we went to bed. That simple and finite.
These marriages won’t end. We will not ‘free’ ourselves by destroying our spouses who have trusted in all of the mutual friendships. And we won’t be doing this again.
I write these words as a warning. I never thought that day would come. We enjoyed being ‘us’ when we were in the emotional affair. We got to close. I changed the deal and I thought that was it. But fifteen minutes alone in my home and the natural culmination of that relationship seemed to come out of left field. But it wasn’t left field. Who were we kidding? Maybe our spouses, but not ourselves.
If this is where you want to end up two years down the road, carry on. But if you wish to remain true to your marriage, run from the emotional affair. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but one day you will be shocked by the speed with which your dream is realized. And then you are left with the shocking reality and some pretty tough moral choices to make.
I hope you guys are listening.
When I was 18 years old I met the only man in my life that “swept me off my feet”. It was spring break my senior year in high school and we met in florida. I was from the south- he from new england. It was “love at first sight” we instantly connected and spent every moment we could together until we left. He called me when we got to our homes and we continued to keep contact until I flew to see him 2 1/2 months later. It was the day after my high school graduation that I flew to see him. While visiting we had a wonderful time but he was distracted by his mother’s terminal illness(breast cancer). That, of course was completely understandable. His emotional state, our ages, and geographic locations made it hard to continue the relationship. I didn’t speak to him for nearly 15 years( thought of him often) until a month ago. I found him online-when I saw his pic- my heart skipped a beat. I wrote him a message and he just so happened to be online, too. We caught up some but it just wasn’t enough we began talking on the phone. I am a married woman for 11 years and have two children. I am conflicted and ashamed of my feelings and actions. Yet, part of me feels “in love again”. He and I connect on so many ways that my stoic husband and I do not. He told my he made a mistake in letting me go and if he could change it he would. He said if my husband and I ever divorce he would be there in a heartbeat. He encourages me to work things out with my husband yet at the same time he says he’s always loved me and still does. I never expected this- nor did I look for it. I can actually say that I love him too, but I can’t hurt my family. I’m miserable with the sadness of forbidden love and guilt. If any one has help for me I would appreciate it. The thing is I could talk to other men I’ve dated and not have this happen. I must say he is special in that way. Nonetheless, I need help letting him go, in order to save my family.
Look, Karen, you can walk away from all of this and relatively unscathed. I gather from your letter that you haven’t met in person. Don’t. You are vulnerable right now and won’t make the right decision. Trust me. I know. My post was listed just above yours. And we have never done the lovey dovey talk. We know who and what we are. That our friendship is deep. That our lives would be destroyed in our small community if this ever came on the table. So I guess we kept all that in check. But…. Yes…. But…. we found our way into bed, and boy it didn’t take long. A few years into our friendship, but we ‘got lucky’. The two of us under the same roof for the night and no spouses around. It was logistical and supposed to be chaste. Well, let me describe chaste. Ten minutes in we were naked on the bed.
THREE years we had avoided this. THREE years. So if you are talking to this man, stop. The grass is never greener. Sure, it all looks good, but think about this. When all of your stuff is in a basement apartment, and all of his, how worth it will it be? Will you guys still have that groovy new love feeling when you’re scrapping about money, alimony and child support? Nope.
There is no easy way through all of this, and the only thing that is sparing me is my cool head.
Please, think about it.
Andrea
Andrea, thanks for the advice. I haven’t talked to him for a couple of days. The emotional affair is just a symptom of huge problems in my marriage and emotional problems with myself and my husband. I am an intuitive and emotional person. My husband, however, is a rigid, emotionless(except anger) and verbally abusive person at times. He has called me “useless” and “worthless”, etc. He has always kept me at a distance. In turn, I have now been on anti-depressants for 5 years-which makes me very fatiqued and groggy. This keeps me from being a good housewife and mother-therefore fueling his anger. This is an obvious cycle. I guess I enjoyed the positive conversations and having someone think so much of me. I feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. This man I had a past with was a welcomed vacation(or so I thought) from my life and the loneliness I have being married to my husband. Right now, I just hope for things to get better for my precious children. If anyone has any advice, I welcome it wholeheartedly. Thanks.
Hi Karen,
I get all of that. My marriage isn’t abusive, but I fully and completely understand the need to connect. So many of us lose it through marriage. It is truly astonishing how many. I advise you not to, only to encourage you to take the ‘moral’ route. And all of this is a struggle for me. We are all just humans, trying to do the best we can. Why, if something feels good and provides love and support, must it be construed as being bad. But this is the society we live in, and it keeps things more or less normal. I don’t know what to tell you, except that if your marriage is that abusive, it may be worth re-examining your reasons for staying.
Believe me, I understand the reasons for reaching out to another. I get it, and yes, I still have it with my friend. We had a blip, and believe me, that was a one-off. We all need positive reenforcement. To feel loved, appreciated and wanted. And it is natural to seek it when it is so clearly lacking at home. I worry about the depression with you and and his potential contribution to that. Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for the children. If the home is loving and kind, that is one thing, but if they are being exposed to bitterness and unhappiness regularly, then it will likely affect them far more than being raised by two happier, single parents.
I truly hope it all works out for you, in whatever ways you choose. Think things through, do nothing rash and hopefully the answers will come to you in a logical and healthy way.
[…] came across this post on Anne’s blog about a story from her past.? When I saw the title, I had a […]
This is the first time I’ve come back to this since I last posted, two years ago. I’ve read many of the comments since that time, and my heart aches for everyone carrying this pain, whether the emotional and/or physical affair is still going on, or not.
I read many comments of people who said, in one way or another, “I cannot stop this.” Some offered excuses; yes, I’m sorry, but they are not good reasons, not if your marriage or his/hers is in any jeopardy because of the affair. And if you’re still involved, any such marriages are, indeed, in jeopardy.
Anne is right to say, “You have to stop this.” “You have to get out.”
Let me offer this: Say you are staying in a hotel–for a conference, vacation, whatever–and you leave your room without the pen you will need. But when you reach for your room key so you can go back in for it, you realize you left the key inside, as well. No matter how you try, you cannot get into that room.
But put the room on fire. Then add a baby, inside the room. One way or another, you will get into that room! You will scream, pound on doors, knock holes in walls, if you have to, but you will get in!
Your marriage or that of your partner-in-affair is the baby inside the room, and the room is on fire. If you are a Christian, you have only one option: Do the right thing. GET OUT of that affair, now! I don’t care what it takes, what friendships will be ended; what do you think will happen to them, if the affair goes on longer and you are then found out? Move away, if you have to. Don’t exchange e-mails, IMs, take phone calls or permit any other contact with this person. Period. I know the wrenching. Believe me, I know it. And I know that a clean break is vitally necessary.
Vicki Small?s last blog post..Blessed in order to bless
P.S. I know the sense of powerlessness, too. But remember that God’s Word tells us His strength is made perfect in our weakness. And I can give positive testimony to this fact: Jesus can break the power of my sin. Picture that sentence in all caps.
Someone said that in my hearing, only last year, when I was struggling with my emotions and thoughts. As soon as I heard it, I directed myself to Jesus and said, “Oh, Jesus, I need you to break the power of my sin!” It still required some discipline on my part not to follow the thoughts–as I’ve written about in other comments, here. And, for about a week, I felt some grief, because I missed that one-sided emotional fantasy. And then…it was gone. Jesus broke the power of my sin, and He went on to answer another desperate cry: My husband has been worshipping with me, now, for almost a year, and he began with no prodding at all from me. That’s what I was missing, and now God has supplied that need, as well. He is good! Trust Him. Obeying Him will help you do that.
Vicki Small?s last blog post..Blessed in order to bless
Thanks for coming back and sharing, Vicki!
I am a bit confused about something. Are women and men not supposed to be friends with anyone of the opposite sex, other than their spouses? I go to church and see people all the time chatting with lots of people… are they all having emotional affairs? I am a single woman… and have a married friend who was my son’s scout master. I have known this guy for 8 years now. This man was a positive influence and helped me come back to church… for a time in my life I thought of him more like a Father figure. I have grown alot since then and don’t really think of him as a father figure anymore, because I have a Father now. But this friend is still my brother, and we chat from time to time for a few minutes in church to catch up on what’s going on with jobs and kids, families, what we’re learning about God. And what about pastors? We go to them for counsel… what is that considered?
I have just started reading about emotional affairs because I could sense that a relationship of mine was getting to an inappropriate point. Focusonthefamily.org has some good articles on this topic as well. Basically, I am at the point where I realize what is going on is unhealthy, and I have started taking steps to stop it (setting up boundaries, limiting contact), but I am still having trouble controlling my thoughts about this other man. I love my husband very much…he really does supply my needs and knows me better than anyone ever has. I realize that this other man is not worth ruining my marriage or anything else. I am not sure what to do though…this man is our church’s worship director. While I don’t want to stop being involved on the worship team, I am afraid that continuing to share that ministry with him will be too difficult. I honestly feel that God has blessed my husband and I with finding this church, and singing and playing guitar are parts of my spiritual gifts. I don’t know what to do…I want to serve God and my congregation by playing on Sundays, but I don’t want to compromise the sanctity of my marriage. Anne, thank you for your blog and for suggesting “Every Woman’s Battle.” I will read that book and hopefully learn to control my thoughts. Thank you for the opportunity to get this out there. I will share this with my sister and ask her to help keep me accountable, but it feels better just to post here and admit to what’s going on. If anyone has any insight or similar experiences, I would be encouraged to hear how you handled it.
[…] 4. An old post about emotional affairs […]
I know I’m late to this conversation and would have loved to read this blog last year. My church was almost destroyed last year when our pastor(he’s single, divorced dad) began an emotional affair with a married woman in the church who’s marriage was in trouble. He started off counseling her (which he never should have done & knew better) and it progressed quickly to the point that he was willing to leave his position to be with her. My husband is the Youth Pastor and he & I were the ones who found out and confronted him. He justified it because they hadn’t been physical, they had “only” admitted their feelings for each other. Praise God for his Grace and that their relationship was brought to light. There has been so much healing since then, but it was the most difficult year I’ve had. The woman has been in counseling for the last year because of her abusive marriage, but is doing much better.
An emotional affair is always damaging, but the effect is so much farther reaching when it is a pastor. All I can say is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! What goes on in the heart is as important as our actions. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Prov 4:23
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