Sleeping in is quite wonderful. For the 2.5 years I was on staff at Westside, my schedule varied which meant I slept in quite a bit, except for the weekends. Now that I’m on staff at Lake Pointe, I usually arrive in the office around 8:30. Really, it’s not too terrible.
Around 10 am or so, Chris & I were still lounging around when we got into a conversation about appearances. In the three years we’ve been married, we’ve both gone up a size. I know this isn’t because of my great cooking skills, since I cook about twice a year.
Something I have always battled is comparing myself to other women. It’s almost natural for me to see someone and think, “If I were that skinny…that tall…that confident…if my teeth were that white…my skin that clear…” but on the flip side, I also think, “I’m glad I’m not that fat…that short…that gangly…that wrinkled…”
Thinking those thoughts are awful. They’re harmful to me, and unfair to others. And for some reason, I’ve been doing it a lot more frequently.
There is so much pressure for women to be perfect. Everybody we see on TV is flawless. It’s difficult not to feel like a disappointment when I’m carrying an extra 10 or 15 pounds, my hair needs a good deep conditioning and haven’t shaved my legs in four days.
Is this comparision thing something other women do and just don’t talk about?
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23 responses to “Pretty Woman – My Battle with Beauty & the Beast”
I’d be surprised if most women said they didn’t do that. My wife is 20 weeks pregnant at the moment, and she keeps worrying aloud about her growing belly. “What will I look like?”
The cultural pressure for a woman is huge. The magazine rack at the grocery store has got to be the most humiliating place in the world. A woman is waiting to pay for her groceries and an air brushed Jen Aniston is smiling at her with perfect teeth. Yuck.
During lent, I became aware that I was doing something very similar. As I went into every meeting at work, I realized there was a computer program running in my head subconsciously analyzing how value was being given. Next came the crisis of whether or not to remain true to my “self” or to conform to the way that it seemed value was being given. It was a painful realization. But it was great to realize I was doing it. Since then, I’ve had some hard conversation with some folks at work. It sucked. And it was the best thing in the world.
I don’t want to say that all women do it…because I don’t want to speak for all women… but I think a majority of women do it.
So no you aren’t alone and yes you are normal. :)
I do it when I’m moody…then I run to the two most truthful people with me I know, my husband and my sister. And they tell me straight out…yeah…you’ve put on a few pounds, or no you look great…either way I know they would never ever hurt me so I know what they say is true.
i do this all the freaking time… and it goes beyond looks (thought that’s definitely a big issue by itself). the comparison trap tends to suck the fun out of lots of social events for me, because i tend not to be much of a conversationalist in big groups (yay for introversion), and i compare myself to the women who are bubbly and outgoing, and i’m sure they’re getting more attention (from guys) than me. i feel a bit overshadowed and intimidated and sometimes resentment creeps in over that. or i compare myself to women who have more interesting jobs or educational backgrounds or whatever. sometimes i’ll look at my married or dating friends and wonder what they have that i don’t. in any case, it definitely puts an extra hurdle in the way of getting to know other women and forming friendships. it sucks to see other women (particularly other single women in the same ‘market’) as competition. it probably doesn’t help me with my (non-existent) relationships with guys, either, if i’m too busy stewing over how i compare with others to just relax and be myself.
there’s a song my old church used to sing pretty often that has these lines: “You know who i am/ and You made who i am/ and You love who i am…” (“You are in control”, scott underwood) i have to remind myself of this truth all the time… fearfully and wonderfully made we are, all of us…
i was just emailing a friend the other day about some recent struggles in this area, so this is very timely, anne!
I definitely do it. It’s very damaging to my selfesteem when I belittle myself, and damaging to my person when I do it to other people. It’s horrible.
For some reason I will torment myself with the ol’ comparison gig. But it’s not with the movie stars/models. They spend there life pursuing surgery, botox, spa treatments, diets, exercise, chefs and trainers to look like that. They also airbrush and filter most of there “flaws” away.
I have a tendency to compare myself to people I see in the day to day. I only started to do this after I had 2 babies back to back…and I am getting older. I am so thankful for my boys, but things definately don’t look the same. A good friend of mine said, “Our bodies are our children’s trophies”.
I hope that as I get older, I get wiser…if I got prettier and wiser…I, personally would struggle with being arrogant…so it’s Gods way of keeping me in check.
My question is, If we are made in Gods image….does that mean that God has cellulite?
First of all, great post. I do think the majority of women struggle with this issue. The good news is that the older I get, the less I struggle with it. I sitll care what I look like, but I am far more accepting of my faults.
Secondly, I thought I would let you know I came to your blog via bloggingchuch.com. I will be checking back!
A (skinny) guy’s perspective…
I think the thoughts of comparison exist in all people — including guys. I’m a very skinny guy, and some would think that is a good thing and I should be happy… well, I’m not.
When you’re 18 (almost 19) years old, in college, and weigh the same as girls your age (perhaps even less), it is very frustrating. It’s not because of an eating disorder or any kind of diet — I try to gain weight, but it just doesn’t work for me. I eat fast food for almost every meal (not really to try to gain weight, but because the food in the cafeteria, even at SMU, gets old). But no amount of fast food or late night snacks have put a pound on me. (I know, I know… most would LOVE to have this problem, but believe me, if you were in my position you would be frustrated too)
Now, this isn’t something I think about all the time. My weight, or lack thereof, doesn’t rule my life, but it is something I’m very aware of. Especially being in college, and especially being in a college known for well-off and beautiful people, it has come up a few times. But I’m trying to be OK with it for now — identifying myself not by looks or beauty, but by a “fully developing follower of Christ” (ha ha, Lake Pointe joke – but seriously, I really do mean it). The Lord helps me find peace in my earthly body, but I still stumble sometimes — we all do.
Most older people I’ve joked around with about being skinny warn me that it’s only a matter of time… grrrr…
For a bit of innocent fun, you should take a look at http://www.fluideffect.com/ and check out Portfolio/Celebrities just to see exactly how much airbrushing is done to the stars before it is deemed that they’re palatable enough for trhe rest of us.
I have a ten year old daughter (who is naturally beautiful) and I hope against hope that she doesn’t get too affected as puberty kicks in. My two younger boys don’t worry me in the same way at all.
Oops! That should’ve said Portfolio/Before & After
Simply amazing. First off, don’t ever sell yourself short. You have always been an attractive woman. You were fortunate enough to get the better features and aspects of both of your parents, and have done a good job in taking care of them. And one size isn’t too bad. Statistically most men will gain 20-40 lbs in the first 18 months of a marriage. Most women will gain 15-30 lbs(25-50 if they get pregnant in the first year). And society makes all women care about their appearance. History has proven that we, as a society, will always be drawn to that which is pleasing to the eye.
In school as children the popular kids were almost always the best dressed, best looking, most athletic. Why? Beause they might grow up to be movie stars, lawyers, doctors, professional athletes. The great media outlets have so overexposed people and put them up on a pedestal because everyone wants a piece of the money. If you looked like this, it could be you! And flawless my right butt cheek. I could easily(and what does this say about me) find 10 things about most celebrity women that just ook me out.
I’m sorry to hear that you struggle against comparing yourself to other women. That’s not, however, something that I feel should be a struggle. It’s natural to compare yourself with others around you. The struggle should be with feelings of envy toward those who you feel rank higher. My wife and I have had multiple conversations about this, and it has always come back to two things. How comfortable are you with the way you look? And what standards are you using to set that comfort level? We try to keep ourselves in good health and pay attention to the way we look so that we may have a longer life together, and shallow as it may sound, because we know that certain aspects of married life are better when your partner is pleasing to the eye.
But in the end, it all boils down to the simple fact, that as a society, how we look is a reflection of our personality. Those who take the time and care to keep themselves well groomed and invest in the way they dress will give a better first impression to the type of employee, friend, spouse they may be. And in that general need for approval from others that gets hammered into us while growing up, we tend to obsess over it in our adult lives.
Oh yeah, and I almost forgot, sleeping in is outstanding. Now if I could just get room service in my apartment.
I think you are normal. Resting in the fact that there is so much “out there” your mate’s attention is drawn toward, yet he continues to choose you is mind boggling. It’s easy to feel insecure with that with so many marriages failing.
Don’t you think all people unintenionally, and intentionally perpetrate jealousy among one another in their desire for attention? It goes beyond male-female and even sensuality. Desire to be noticed and regarded–.a need we have to meet in our marriages continually beyond “the look” to keep from feeling insecure and threatened.
I think guys do the comparison thing too. They just aren’t as ready to admit it.
I remember thinking when I was in my early 20’s that I wish I could add about 10 pounds. I wanted to add about 10 pounds of muscle. So I’d work out some, and eat a good bit. But never really gained much. I think my metabolism was cranked up pretty good. I get married. Then a year later I realize I’d gained about 12 pounds…but it was since I’d stopped working out! So it wasn’t muscle I’d added.
Now I think all the time about eating better and running/lifting on a regular schedule….and it WILL happen soon…
Nice blog. Way to go WordPress too!
The only way it stops is if we stop it. I believe it’s part of the Gen. 2 curse. seriously. I am staring down the barrell of 50 and I have my 30th High School reunion coming up this summer. First question in my head?…I wonder how they’ve aged…*Races to the mirror and examine crows feet* Then I catch myself and TAKE THE FLIPPING THOUGHT CAPTIVE then submit it to Christ, and the comparison trap goes away. Sometimes it’s rewarding in a sad sort of way to continue to entertain the thought though; ike pushing on a bruise that hurts when you push on it but you can’t (of course that is WON’T) stop.
I agree with Gwen. The only way to fight these thoughts is to take them captive and replace them with who God says we are and give other people equal value. The things that are our responsibility are good nutrition, proper exercise and hygene of course. Anything beyond that is God territory. I remember I used to be overly concerned about my freckles and major uneven skin tone and would wear all kinds of make up to “cover up” this insecurity. I’d always notice perfect flawless skin. Thank God I got over that one. I am now free to go to the beach, pool and not care about how the sun makes my freckles darken or how I don’t wear makeup at such places. I don’t even really think twice about going without makeup anymore. That’s just one example, there are many more, believe me. As with everything, I needed God to help me focus on the positive and for the most part when it comes to all the body stuff I do.
ohhhhhh my goodness. how do you do that? just take the thoughts from my head and write them out.
i wish it wasn’t that hard. and i hate that part of highschool. even though people say “oh you can be who you are, it doesnt matter..” baloney. You walk down the hallway to see those girls that have the perfect hair, body, teeth, face, makeup, clothes, etc. It’s kinda hard not to feel like blah. (only on certain days though)
now for the solution. hmmmm…yep. not sure yet.
i miss you anne!!
only one month til i get to see you. i have a countdown going just for you!
love you,
laura
I Love and Miss you so much.
I also miss our AMAZING conversations. expepially
the ones we shared the night Simon broke his wrist.
I am @ work so I will post more later.
Hey. I just found your blog and wanted to thank you for this post. I’ve struggled with the weight thing most of my life, but in a weird way. I was always skinny, then after getting married, and a number of other issues that I won’t go into right now, I’m carrying around an extra 15 and hate it. I also recently went back to school (I’m 28) so I spend my days around these tiny 20 year old girls. I know it’s totally wrong to compare, but it is really hard.
Anyway, thanks again for the post.
I bealive that the way to learn many things is thought the comparision, means is normal to do it. I think you had to make an effort to be healty and be happy with you. The conclusion to get is that you have to be healty and happy and to do it you have to work in two areas, to loss some weight and to try to persuade your self that you are no more or less than anyone.