My car is buried in several inches of the latest snow storm to hit Shawnee. It’s also trapped, knowing that any attempt to make it up the snowy hill we live on would be futile.
Just like before…Spinning its wheels…going nowhere.
Today…I feel so trapped.
Trapped…via our apartment lease (no escape until Dec. 31, 2006), the necessity to work a full time job and freelance (me) and a full time job & part time job (Chris) just to make barely enough to scratch by…the never ending pile of medical bills from the last year…and while the air our bodies are breathing is here in the snowy, Pottery Barn landscape of Johnson county, our souls have traveled and remained in the diversity and acceptance of LA, in the peaceful and romantic mountains of Colorado…and our hearts have tossed seeds of hope into the sky, praying the wind will take them across the ocean…so maybe one day they will be springing up life…fruit…in the desperate city of Edinburgh.
God, I feel so much like my car.
Alone and stuck on this hill….spinning my wheels.
Going nowhere.
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20 responses to “(a soul’s cathartic release)”
How can one relate so strongly through circumstances so entirely different? Restlessness. Waiting. When?
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:11-13 NIV
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I have no doubt God is doing a work in you right now… preparing you for your work in Edinburgh… And with this will come hardship and difficulty. Your mindset will grow weary and your heart will beat wild, but stay focused on the mission and goal in which the path is leading. Put some salt & sand down and you can get through.
come to colorado again…we’ll do life until we both can move on…
I resonate so much with that comment… “our souls have traveled and remained in the diversity and acceptance of LA”. See my post from yesterday. I’m so tired of my suburban life and spinning my wheels as you say.
But where you are is somewhere. Your car is somewhere. If there is one thing I have learned about life, it’s that the grass is always greener on the other side. We crave new adventures, but so few of us truly live the adventure right in front of us. I will continue to attempt to persuade Lori of this – don’t go somewhere that is already doing it well (L.A.); go somewhere that desperately needs you.
Anne, you have been chosen by God to radically impact your world. I can think of no better place to begin an artistic, diverse, radical ministry than Kansas! All those other places may or may not need you, but Kansas does. As a wise man once said: “Don’t do what others can and will do; do what others can’t or won’t do.” That’s how we change our world.
You are changing lives where you are Anne – through your job, your blog, your friendships, your marriage – keep fighting.
I’d like to think that Steve. I really would. And trust me, Chris can vouch on this one, I have told him a million times Kansas needs his gifts. Every time he wanted to go to LA I say why join in when you can revolutionize? He’ll admit he’s not a trailblazer the way I am. I love change and changing.
Anyway, months later now, I see his point now. I try. There are huge opportunities all around me, and nobody listens. I don’t mean this in a pity me kind of way. I used to passionately try to do it…and people only got annoyed. So I watered it down some. Tried tact. Waited. Love. Tact. Waited. Nothing.
Now people just ignore it. It’s like trying to start a fire on super wet grass. it won’t take. And if in the small chance it does take (as there are pockets of people who do understand)…it doesn’t spread.
I can’t trailblaze any more. Even with the help of others, it just doesn’t matter. I’ve been told, literally, more than once to let it go. That is not a focus or where people want to spend their time and energy. I can’t fight that any more.
I really don’t mean for this to be such a downer thing. I’m just putting some realities out there. Just laying out the facts. Nothing more.
Steve,
I agree… I don’t really want to LIVE in LA. I just see in LA how things can be and long for more people to experience that risk, change, openness, diversity.
Anne,
I’m not sure if you are talking about your church or just friends, etc. I’ve tried to pull my church along to think outside the box, act bolder, etc but I’ve recently come to believe that my church will never go to the place where I think God wants me to be. I think there’s a fine line between leading people somewhere they need to go and dragging them to somewhere that I’m supposed to go. I often feel like I bring a thorn to meetings and poke at all the things I think should be done differently. I worry that I’m starting to be toxic to a church that just has a different calling than I do. If I were the senior pastor, I might feel differently about my role in leading people to a new place, but since I’m not, I think I’m doing more harm than good with my activism and opinion-giving.
Just to clarify… that last comment was just about me… not trying to prescribe anything for you… just wondered if you feel those same things.
Frodo: I cannot do this alone.
Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To bear a Ring of Power is to be alone…This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will.
Frodo: I know what I must do, it’s just that… I’m afraid to do it.
Galadriel: Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
I believe in you Anne…no matter what you choose. Like Frodo, you are not alone. You will continue to have my sword in this battle.
please don’t move. we do need you guys here. i’m sorry things stink right now. i love you guys (i know that’s not a batman bandaid that can make it all better, i just want to make sure you two know.)
I’m certainly no expert, but I find that during a time of waiting its either because 1. I have some growing to do in some area or 2. something has to happen outside of my control before I can move (jobs need to open up, ect.). Then again, what if we are waiting for our own protection?
I’m not moving (Remember, I’m stuck in a lease anyway) :) Just venting about the bloody culture here. :-) It would have to take a lot of big things to happen for us to move, none of which are happening, so that tells me to stay and suck it up while I’m here.
I look at all the “greener grass” sides around me as I keep in touch with my friends from Cali, or my friends from Dallas (although I probably still wouldn’t ever move back there)…and it seems like there is just so much more of an open mindedness and desire for pursuing the arts and an openness to that culture and avenue of expression not only for expressions sake but for connection as well. Here, if you’re artistic, (generally speaking) in the mainstream culture it’s like “Aw, look at the cute artist,” except for a small handful of people…in the church culture (again, generally speaking)…it’s instantly “How can we plug so and so into serving at the church with their gifts?” Although I think that Believers should use their gifts for the kingdom, we (churches in this area) don’t ever think about the actual artistic side of it…it’s instantly a means of “plugging someone in to using their gifts.” Our new worship pastor is about connecting artists for the sake of art and that is such a foreign concept here and I wish him well and support him because it’s not gonna be easy to break through our current mindset.
steve – thanks ever so much for quoting LOTR…
i am sure there is a more open mindedness to the arts in places like LA and Dallas – but how awesome would it be to be a revolutionary (which you already are) in a place like we are in NOW. i know you try and try and try, but perhaps it will take a few more tries before something will happen… doesn’t it take 21 times to form a habit or something like that… i dunno… i support you and your efforts in this calling…
“i will go with you, frodo baggins”
Anne,
These two passages popped up in front of me this morning. I am also where you are in the waiting game. read Psalm 25:3 and Isaiah 40:31. When we wait on God he renews us and protects our reputation.
In NC I feel like an outcast and have even been rejected by some seminary buddies. When we move with God we step into the another world. I agree with Steve that many of our church attenders will never venture out into God’s world with us.
But…doesn’t God call us to fight? Doesn’t He call us to pioneer? This is where I am so I empathize with you. Steve said why join in when you can revolutionize. Wow!! That’s where I want to be. God has blessed you with the holy fire of discontentment and that is where new life is birthed. Hold on and get ready Anne!!
anne, what you wrote about ‘connecting artists for the sake of art’ as opposed to ‘how can we plug so and so into serving at the church with their gifts?’ sounded really interesting… could you elaborate on that a bit more? pretty please? :)
i agree with so much of what’s been said… i’ve commented to lori before (maybe not in so many words) that there have been times when i wanted to move somewhere on the surface because there were so many unchurched people there, but really because of a perceived coolness factor. lately i’m at a point where i’m more open to whatever God wants to do, even if it means sticking around in a conservative, not-so-artsy, not-so-single-friendly town with lots of issues like cincy (as much as i love it). :)
as anyone who’s talked to me or read my blog in the last month knows, i’ve been reading captivating by john and stasi eldredge. one of the ideas in the book that struck me recently is that God calls women to risk in offering beauty, similarly to the way God calls men to risk in offering strength. we’re called to offer beauty even though we don’t know how it will be received, if it will be appreciated, how it will all work out. maybe your call for this moment is to offer your gifts and the beauty you bring through your art and through who you are to your community, not because you think it will be welcomed and embraced, winning everyone over, but as an act of obedience and as passionate, loving worship to a God who made you that way and knows where you are and where you long to be. you have an audience of One… and He loves what He sees in you… :) keep offering that, even when it’s hard, even when no one else seems to get it.
whew. lots of words. sorry if too long. :)
I’ve prayed about the LA fever thing…seeking it out because it i new and different, but there is something to be said for being where your gifts can sing… oh the ability to speak spanish more, to be able to sing more, to help a church plant that values my strengths, to be able to serve with people who have and are changing my life… I know. I hear the beat of another drummer. Too bad I’m marching through Molasses Swamp.
candyce…
how we can connect them….gathering artists, those that go to church and those who don’t…just to get together and talk art, visit a gallery, a concert, watch a film. discuss. share work.
as opposed to…plugging them in….
like i said, i do think people who are gifted in arts and are christ followers should use their gifts for the kingdom in the church and out of the chruch. it just seems like sometimes as church leaders we have a preset agenda of instantly wanting to plug people in to our ministries instead of letting them explore and bring their visions and dreams to the ministry.
thanks, anne… yeah, that’s something i have a strong desire for. i went to this spoken word poetry night several months back, and it seemed like a regular thing for the group of poets that was there. they had built a sort of community around the sharing of their art. i was jealous. i’m hoping that we can build something like that as we serve our community in the church we’re planting in cincy… and i’m hoping that we’re building a community where we aren’t selfishly holding on to people and their gifts (essentially using them) but recognizing that it’s not about our agendas and our fame but about God’s agenda, which may be very different from ours… ah, good stuff. it’s good to find a kindred spirit. :)
Anne – I love reading your thoughts…so honest and thought provoking. I do wish I could have gotten to know you more. I so identify with your feelings of being trapped, moving but going nowhere, longing for something…more. but what? I won’t pretend I am an artist and identify with that aspect…
but after living, loving and leaving Colorado (boulder), and the same here in KC, I can’t help but trust…in what I don’t know, but in God and what He’s doing wherever we are. You have done so much for this church and brought vision God wanted you to bring. Embrace your restlessness (if you can call it that), but also in something bigger, in God’s long term plans for you. Take heart and enjoy the JOURNEY. It can be awesome.