i won’t lie.
sometimes i do my best to make my thoughts pretty and selective and organized when i write for my blog. because that is what smart bloggers do, right?
lately my brain has not been organized. i have been in an ultra-processing/ultra-internalizing mindset for the last few days and, just in case you have ever had the perception that i am a smart and/or organized blogger, this post is to prove you wrong. :)
with that disclosed, i now present to you, “brain barf, edition 1” (as i am sure there will be many more of these as time passes).
on friends: i have had some of the most amazing conversations and hang time with my friends lately. they are generous and have blessed me in so many ways — some of them i’ve never even met before but in all the crazy, my friends are helping me heal, keeping me sane, and heck, even pampering me a little bit. i feel so unworthy but so lucky.
on family: right now, i’m in a weird season with some members of my family (and i know they read my blog, so…sorry). quite honestly, it sucks and it hurts but i am learning i can’t control the actions of others. nobody’s family is perfect; mine included, and this is new to me. and it’s been jacking with me. a lot.
on religion, and church, and christians: i recently had a conversation with someone who doesn’t subscribe to the christian faith. i feel like so much of the time, we are all in this little churchy bubble, and as intentional as i am to pop out of it for perspective, i realize i’m not doing a very good job at it. we aren’t doing a very good job at it.
during our conversation, my friend’s words sucked me out of the bubble with the force of a dyson and i really think my head exploded. we think we have so much figured out about life and the world around us, yet what we have actually done to shape and form the perception of those outside this jesus bubble TERRIFIES me. this conversation shook me to my core. it made me sick. it made me ashamed. it made me want to get a lobotomy and rediscover and relearn a faith i have “known” since i was in utero. i feel like i’m in the freaking matrix.
on panhandling: i live in an okay part of town, but nestled right in the middle of the hood. the last two days i have given in to panhandlers galore. seriously. i think they must have my picture somewhere because they find me everywhere and i can never say no. and i realize that it’s not always the “best” thing to do for people (ie the very drunk woman who told me she was sober tonight as i got the mail and handed her five bucks) and i can guess that my five bucks probably bought her a drink (when i really, really need one, can’t you tell?) but you know what? i can’t say no. sorry.
on keats: if you have never read the letters of john keats, you simply must.
on weather: my heart is so happy that it is autumn.
and there you have it. a fine mixture of various chunks of my brain. nothing sexy about it. just junk in my head. thank you so much for reading along.
